Chronicles of the Meister

The End

2010-06-15T13:26:00.000+05:30

Here it is people, every good thing comes to an end. But then again, according to the survey and deluge of recriminations (I don't give a fuck if the spelling is wrong), the Meisterblog is not really a good thing. So, rejoice all ye bossturds who have had sense of humour surgically removed, ye have finally managed to do it - ye have managed to stop the Meisterblog.

Ever since the Mister started writing the damn thing, he had been inundated with complaints. Everybody likes to laugh at other people, but when it comes to themselves it suddenly becomes "oh no, how dare he". Foocking hypocritical cowards the lot of ye.

Ye don't deserve to laugh or smile. Ye don't deserve the Meister. Ye deserve all the shit that the blog world throws at ye in the form of incoherent nonsense ramblings et all couched as post modern bullshit.

From now on, no more fun, no more humour, no more references to people, no more tales about the Meisterlife.

I will write what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't give a fuck anymore whether you read it or not.

Baldric and the Frog

2010-06-08T18:17:00.002+05:30

Baldric being the Pegasus of the Flying Fatman and The Frog being well a frog, you know one of them members of the Anura cult.

Well, this particular frog has fallen in luw with Baldrick. He/she/it patiently waits for and comes to Baldrick once he comes home from work. Rumour has it that they have been seen sleeping together and all. Can't tell ye all about Baldrick's feelings though, the moody so and so is acting all pricey and refusing to talk to the Meister.

As for the frog, Meister has grave doubts about that fella's grey matters. Meister thinks that he/she/it is the Anurian equivalent of those whales who decide to get a suntan on the beach - in other words a dumbass.

Talking about frogs, Meister's friend the Anoian Tippytapper has been going around harassing boiled frogs in her dreams. Now the Meister is truly an expert in weird dreams - but this was a wee bit special even for him.

Now the Meister takes pride (wholly unjustifiably) in being an expert dream analyzing chappy, so here goes....

1. She is stuck in a rut and wants one of them prince chappies or knights in shining armours...ye know the ones who are tall, dark, handsome and whose teeth go "ting" when they smile

2. She has a desire to become a supporter of Chairman Mao

3. She has fallen in love with Baldrick

4. She has unfulfilled ambitions to get the Nobel Prize for Zoology

5. She has become a supporter of France

6. She is extremely horny and wants a cunnilingual....and frogs r the best as far as tongues are concerned

Lists

2010-06-02T15:47:00.000+05:30

Meister likes cartoons. There, Meister has said it. So all you la-di-dahs can go ahead and sneer.

And to further give u material for sneering, Meister loves and adores the Hollywood fare as well.

So this post is about them - not the staple Hannah Barbera or Walt Disney characters, but the ones esp created for movies. Pixar and Dreamworks, take a bow.

These are the characters ye will remember till the day (or night) ye die. They have formed one of them indelible type thingies on the mind and heart. They are instrumental in making their films super duper hits n all.
The list below is not according to rank, so sireee...there is no way in hell anyone can claim that Donkey is better than King Julian or vice versa. In fact, both of them can be in the Top 10 Movie characters of all time ye know with Tyler Darden, Hannibal Lector.....wait a minute, Meister will make that list too

Animation Characters

Donkey
King Julian
The Penguins
B.O.B
Po
Squirrel from Ice Age

And that got the Meister thinking about some of the greatest characters them tv writer types ever came up with. These are the people who lights up the show, without whom the show loses its lustre and becomes mundane.

TV Characters

Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
Homer Simpson (Simpsons)
Denny Crane (Boston Legal)
Gil Grissom (CSI)
Baldrick (Blackadder)
Spike (Buffy and Angel)
Randy Hickey (My Name is Earl)
Adrian Monk (Monk)
The Costanzas (Seinfeld)
Frank and Robert Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
Niles Crane (Frasier)
Jack Donaghy (30 Rock)

Movie Characters

Inspector Clousseau (Pink Panther)
Captain Jack Sparrow (POTC)
King Julian/Donkey (Madgascar/ Shrek)
Indiana Jones
Joker v. Heath Ledger
Smeagol (LOTR)
Forest Gump
Rocky Balboa (Rocky)
The Dude (Big Lebowski)
Vincent Gambini (My Cousin Vinny)
Jason Bourne/John McLaine (Bourne, Die Hard)
The Man with No name and Tuco (Good Bad and Ugly)
Jubba the Hut (Star Wars)
The Terminator
Yoda (Star Wars)
Anton Chirugh (No Country for Old Men)
Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)
Maxwell Smart v Steve Carell
Ace Ventura
Wall E / E.T.

Couldn't think of a title

2010-05-26T13:59:00.000+05:30

Well, Meister has had some mighty weird dreams lately. Weird even by his own standards.

In one of his dreams, Meister was in a forest being chased by a group of chupacabras. He kept on running and running (yeah yeah yeah, Meister running etc etc) till he came to the edge of the forest and found a locked multistoried building. He cried for help and begged the inhabitants to let him come in.

He got pelted with tomatoes instead.

He woke up to find the real life chupacabra happily thumping the crap out of the Meisterhead with her tail.

In another dream, he, in his Fat Uncle Cheapo avatar, put on a spandex wrestling suit, oiled himself up and went into an arena for a wrestling match. Only problem was that the opponent was a mountain gorilla - yep the same one who keeps appearing in his dreams and bangs the Meisterhead with a hammer and shouts "nevermore".

It wasn't a good contest.

Poor Meister, even in his dreams he gets bashed up.

But anyway this got the Meister thinking what if he had chosen an alternative career path.

Well, he would have been a complete and utter failure in that career instead of being a complete and utter failure in the career that he has chosen.

Well, that got the Meister thinking about alternative careers for his friends, so called friends etc, all with the near certainty of being total and epic failures (much like the Meisterlike).

1. OCD Man as a forensic investigator ala CSI.

Just imagine, OCD Man goes to a crime scene, sees all the blood, utters "disgusting" and whips out his washing supplies and starts cleaning up the whole place.

No crime would ever get solved again.

2. Sandman as the mascot of KFC

3. MS Brownjacket or Lady Talksalot as Guest Lecturers on the Topic of "Too much Work is Bad for Your Life"

No point being indignant or claiming to the contrary, ye lot are workaholics and ye know it.

4. Ex Lord Botanist as the Poster boy for Abstinence

Some things just doesn't work

5. SS as the Spokesperson for any I/We Hate ____ Campaign

She likes HR people and Bongs, can ye really beat that?

6. Benny the Prude as a Producer of Porn Films

The name explains it

7. Literary Doglover as a documentary filmmaker

No bird will be safe is all that can be said in this matter.

8. Anoian Tippy Tapper as an editor/writer in a Sissy Girly Magazine

Can ye picture her going around writing muppetesque quizes for dummies and looking at engagement rings?

Ye can? She did? Oh!!!!!!!!

Holy Mother of Phytoplanktons Fatman, What a Fortnighty Thingy

2010-05-20T19:18:00.000+05:30

This is the Potato subbing for the Meister again. It seems some silly asses has gone and filled his head with ideas about writing fiction and publishing them etc. Ever since he has been dreaming of glory, success, fame etc.

Poor muppet, when will he learn

Anyway, it seems Meister had an interesting weekend (despite the best efforts of chupacabras and snotty people).

It all started on Friday.

Hippo was getting married. Meister was given an order to procure a bouquet of white flowers. Now Meister and flowers don't really get along very well. In fact, barring, roses, sunflowers and lotuses, he possibly wouldn't be able to identify any other flower for toffee.

So with some of them trepe..trepi...with a fair degree of fear, he set out for a flower shop. He found one in Begumpet and was about to park Baldrick illegally, when he came face to face with a traffic cop. Meister being one of them intelligent fellas immediately asked th cop for suggestions regarding where he could park. The cop, being Indian, immediately pointed to the same illegal space which Meister was eyeing.

Once that business was over, Meister entered the shop and in a few minutes managed to bug the crap out of the shop assistants with his incessant questions regarding what's this and what's that. Anyway after about 30-40 minutes of extreme hairpulling (on the part of the shop dudes) Meister got his bouquet. Suffice to say that there was no pink any where. It had something called Reincarnations (?), something called Asian Cauliflowers (?) and something that looked like a sunflower but had a different name.

With such weaponry in his arsenal, Meister went home, wore his skin tight khadis and proceeded to the wedding place.

And realised that he was easily the most over dressed and uncomfortable dimwit over there.

Why was he uncomfortable ye ask?

It was hot
This was the 1st time he was wearing a kurta
There were snotty people

Well, it was the 3rd reason whjich really got his goat actually.

Meister does not like snotty people. His proletariat blood boils when he encounters them rich upper class bossturds who think they are better than the Meister because they are richer and have attended la di dah schools or colleges or whatever.

There were a couple of such numbnuts over at the wedding. Old friends of the bride and Uber. They looked at the Meister as if he is something the cat dragged in (well to be fair, he almost always looks like he is something the cat dragged in, but thats beside the point) and tried their best to pretend that the Meister does not exist.

Meister suffered the indignity silently as he

a. did not want to mak a scene
b. did not want to be thrown out

Suffice to say, Meister's whole night was spoiled.

Oh, the Meisterbouquet ended up on a tree.

Sunday

Chelsea won the Premier League. Meister got to eat nice fish courtesy Uber and the Juicy Guy.

Monday

Morning: Uber said she will help the Meister in publishing etc.

So far so good. The Meister is ecstatic etc.

Well, something had to happen innit?

A close dear friend's father had to be hospitalised
Chupacabra ate the Meister's food
Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion informed him that she is undergoing some tests for cancer
Meister lost a full day's work as he forgot to save it
Special One got married

See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a continuous series of kicks in the bollocks.

And then Chelsea went ahead and compunded the problem by winning the double. Meister got happy again and so naturally......

Spondulitis, copious quantities of galis from boss people, no electricity, no internet, no Uber (she left) and then Baldrick shutting down shop.

And to put icing on the cake, a hurricane is coming.

Nice ain't it?

Well all this brings us to the conclusion that

Its high time that the rest of humanity save themselves and they can only do so by interring Meister in an underground nuclear buker in a deserted Pacific island with no fan, no comp and no TV.

Meister can't possibly get happy there and the world will be safe again.

Swadeshi Meister

2010-05-08T13:19:00.000+05:30

Well, the Hippo got married.

And Meister wanted to gift something Indian to him. General concensus veered to a short kurta (who knew they existed...crazy fashion) it being all Indian.

So the Meister decided to buy that.

Having fixed that, next part of the quest was finding out where a kurta can be found.

Ok for those sniggering at the back, Meister has never bought any kind of Indian clothing in his life.

He does not wear dhotis because thats just a reprehensible obscene piece of garment directly responsible for the Indians losing each and every one of their wars agains foreign invaders.

He does not wear pyjamas because of the absence of zippers in the said garment (peeing is too much of a bother).

And he does not wear kurtas coz they are just too much of a bother - (washing, ironing, folding bloody hell)

Anyway, Uber suggested FabIndia. But since the Meister is against upper class imperialist hedgemonistic capitalist organisations, he said: no way Jose.

He instead decided that he will buy Khadi stuff - as swadeshi as you can get.

Well, having decided that he bullied the Literary Doglover to accompany him to the shops.

So they went and they found a nice wee thing for the Hippo.

Meister got all excited and in a fit of patriotism decided that he wants one - only in a much much bigger size of course.

The Doglover was telling the Meister about a couple of friends of hers from USA USA USA who came down here and bought kurtas and then got stuck.

And so guess what hsappened?

That's right

Meister got stuck in the damn thing as well.

It was terrible!!!! Meister's hands were over his head and akimbo, his vision was blocked, he couldn't move his head.

Doglover and a shopdude started pulling things and after 5 mins of extreme efforts, finally the Meister was free....exhausted but free.

Suffice to say that he bought the stuff.

But thats not important, what is important is the fact that the Literary Doglover finally got her wish. Her dreams came true.

She got to take off the Meister's clothes.

She hasn't stopped smiling.

Return of the Count

2010-05-07T15:55:00.000+05:30

Well it seems that the Count is sad.

Which count ye ask?

Well the Meister is talking about his good friend the Count Luigi Christopher di Jimborghini...aka the Artist formerly known as Stupid Bastard.

You all knew him as stupid, you all know that he is a bastard. What you perhaps did not know was that ever since the death of Bruno, he had been looking for a new life partner.

After about 2 years of searching he finally found his partner - Garfield.

They completed each other. They had so much fun (even in that Guusforsaken piece of crap place dominated by cultural studies hypocrites).

Those were the days...the heady feeling of new love transcended them to a more beautiful realm.

But alas, in the Eden, came a monster...well 2 actually - Abhe Bhaiya and Hijra Bhaiya. They massacred and burnt down Eden and drove away all its inhabitants.

The Count called for help and his loyal page - that good for nothing cheapo fat waste of oxygen - duly obliged and whisked him away. Garfield was left behind in the melee.

Fortuntely he survived the massacre. But the seeds of discontnt was sown.

The Count pined and pined for his lover, and when opportunity struck, and surreptitously came back into his domain to meet his lost love.

Garfield and the Count were overjoyed at their happy reunion.

Well, so it seemed.

But lust and jealously reared their ugly heads.

Apparently Garfield became jealous that the Count had spent a number of days in the presence of a female. The Count begged him to understand that the female concerned is a crap eating Chupacabra and that she means nothing to him.

But alas no amount of reasoning proved adequate.

Garfield broke off their relationship and to teach the Count a lesson started a rebound relationship with a female.

The Count caught them one day in flagrante.

He was heartbroken.

He was devastated.

His whole world came crashing down.

He could not bear watching the love of his life gallivanting around other females.

So, with no other recourse open to him, he bid adeu to his kingdom (or countdom as the case may be) and slowly and wearily trudged his way back to the lair of the hairy beast......one place in the world where he was welcomed with open arms and chicken bones.

Poor Count.

Evil Spirits

2010-05-05T15:41:00.000+05:30

Recently (don't ask when, its all lost in the mists of time), the Meister was discussing evil spirits, demons etc with the Anoian Tippy Tapper. Maybe the recent Chupacabra infestation of the Meisterhouse was a reason for discussion.

Apparently they (the coconut oil lovers) have a creature called Yakshi who go around drinking blood and killing people. A female vampire in other words.

Well, motherland (Bong country - a place from where Meister has been disqualified for

a. calling Tagore over rated (as a story writer and painter)
b. refusing to act like a pompous twat or be politically correct
c. announcing, in an SFI convention, that his favorite politician is George W Bush
d. laughing hysterically during a sombre poetry recital
e. announcing that all poets, amateur singers and those into amateur dramatics should be kept locked up)

also has its own share of vampires and blood suckers. You can identify them by the fact that they go around calling each other comrades.

Now while chatting, the Meister regaled (or bored the crap out of) the Anoian with a story from motherland. Here it is now for the rest of ye lot.

There was this very famous and rich trader. He was a fan of Lord Shiva (he had the jerseys, the flags, the scarves etc the whole shcamoddle so to speak). He said he will worship only Shiva and no one else (the one club, one love syndrome). Now this pissed off Manasa, the goddess of snakes. She was flexing her muscles and buying up all the important personalities. She threatened the trader with direconsequences (snake bites) if he doesn't worship her.

The trader said: pffft my fffttt, piss off etc etc.

Manasa was enraged but couldn't do anything as the dude was a supporter of Lord Shiva. She waited

Now the trader had a son called Lokhinder. For all intents and purposes he was a complete waste of time and story space (much like Nani). Anyway, that dummy got married to a girl called Behula (who named these people??? seriously!!!! from the whole plethora of sexy girl names to choose from they chose Behula - which btw is similar to the Bong term for violins, go figure).

The trader was concerned and he protected everything with lots of soldiers, he blocked all doors, lit up all places, cleaned all areas etcetc.

The wedding night arrived, the newly weds started fucking, and just when things got really interesting, a snake came to the wedding room through a hole in the wall and bit the groom to death. Behula, who was on the verge of orgasm, was understandably distraught. (Meister had problems empathising with her situation untill the use of an analogy - imagine its the Champs League final, the last penalty kick, if u score u win...and your captain goes and falls flat on his arse)

Howls of anguish and nooooooooooooooooooo was heard for miles around (not from Behula but from Meister that night).

Behula was so sexually frustrated that she decided that she announced that she is going to appeal to people upstairs.

People were initially baffled as they were simple folk and there were only one story houses back then.

Understanding dawned after the use of a few choiced invectives by Behula.

They built a raft and put the groom's body in it, Behula then boarded and set sail for heaven. She started meditating and praying. her prayers were so succesful that Indra (the 2nd biggest luj character of them all) instructed his assistant to "Beam em up Scotty" (c. Anoian Tippy Tapper)

Once she reached the place, she first of all puked a lot (movement sickness you see). Once that was over, she started protesting to the gods about the rights of man, or in this case woman - Emmeline Pankhurst has nothing on the Indian girls eh.

She was so infuriated that apparently she started dancing (don't ask why, weird girl that) ....the gods being complete and utter luj characters, got infatuated with her and told her: Ask a boon, come on come on ask something from us.

She said: Give my husband's life back, you dickheads

Gods were like, sure (though Indra apparently murmured something like - but she didn't take off any clothes, but couldn't protest much as the whole plethora of goddesses started giving him dirty looks).

Manasa however protested, she said : "no way Jose" etc

Gods were in trouble, on the 1 hand they had given their words, on the other hand, though immortal, no one wants to get bitten by snakes.

So they formed a committe to look into the matter. (seriously did we Indians have...sigh)

After copious quantities of ambrosia was consumed and heated discussions - apparently there was no accord between the Conservative party led by Brahma and the Neo Liberals led by Ganesha - they finally decided to approach the trader.

They went to the trader and tried to persuade him to worship Manasa.

He said: foock off

The committe was in trouble. Finding no other options, they approached Lord Shiva.

They told him of the matter.

Siva: Its like all cool bro. I will like talk to the fellow whatsisname, don't worry, peace man. Now give me my bong unless you want to get blown into smithscreens.

He promptly forgot everything about it.

After about 4 reminders, he finally sent a message to the trader - Hey man its all cool ROTFL, u can worship Manasa man LMAO, I don't mind. Incidentally, I have heard that they are growing some seriously cool shit over at that place next to that thing which comes after that stuff, you know what I mean. Next time you do them ritual thingies, throw some of that shit in the fire will you. C U L8R

So the trader, while performing puja to Shiva, throws a few flowers to Manasa's idol as well.

Gods: Ah, have accord, we can give back the life.

Manasa: No, I want roses and candlelight and.....

Kartik: If you don't agree now, I will tell dad that your snakes have recently destroyed a few acres of prime farmland where they were growing weed.

Life was given back hurriedly.

Anyway, Meister asked his colleagues whether they knew about any Telugu evil spirit or demon etc. The anser was a blank look and shakes of heads.

Getting no help from that quarter, Meister started thinking (stop sniggering), and within minutes got the answer.

There are indeed a group of creatures who make the Telugus whimper in fear. They all break out in sweat and start muttering prayers to their extensive plethora of gods for protection.

This group of creatures is so vile, so dangerous, so bloodthirsty, so malignant and mortiferous, so savage that they have driven all other demons and evil creatures away from the land.

This group is far far far more dangerous than Al Qaida, Taleban, LeT, Klu Klux Klan, the Thuggies and amateur poets combined.

They can not only destroy your own body and soul but also that of your preceding 17 and succeeding 18 generations.

If you utter their names loudly, not only you, but your family, your clan, your community, your viallge, town, city etc all get cursed.

So whisper the name quietly, and then pray pray pray

BACHELORS

Meister's on a Highway to Nadir

2010-05-04T14:49:00.000+05:30

It has been well documented and statistically proven that good things on a sustained basis do not happen to the Meister (unlike bad things on a continuous basis, which has never let go of Meister's hands, legs, bollocks etc)

Whenever something even remotely good happens, it is immediately and almost always inevitably followed by something much worse.

So imagine the Meister's consternation when a succession of goodly things started happening in his life. He gets invited to birthday parties, he gets free ice cream samples, Chelsea wins games emphatically and reaches the very edge of a double. He was definitely on the journey to zenith.

Meister could feel disaster, sadness, misery etc etc looming on the horizon. He could feel it in his blood, nerves, corpuscles, pee, crap etc etc.

And guess what, the journey to nadir started (as predicted, as envisaged)

1. The Spawn of Sauron and a Chupacabra decides to haunt the Meisterplace.

She

Eats part of the Meisterdoor
Regularly wakes up Meister in the middle of the night
Craps in his apartment
Pees in his apartment
Pees all over him
Eats his bedsheet
Eats his Landmark bag
Beat up Jimbo
Emits noxious dangerous fumes from her arse (if canned, can be classified as an WMD)

Lets see a typical day

Meister goes to sleep at 130

From 230 she starts scratching the door and whining

Meister wakes up to see whats the matter and opens door, she happily comes and lies down in front of the cooler and withing 5 minutes starts snoring and farting

At 7 in the morning, she starts whining again so Meister wakes up and with bleary eyes takes her out for a walk, she pees and craps a whole bucket, and then comes back

At 845 while Meister is reading the newspaper, she pees and moves while peeing thereby spraying it all over Meister (yes the only creature who moves while peeing)

2. Meister's office decides on a cost cutting exercise where they stop paying salaries to employess

3. Meister's netbanking stops working

4. Meister's hands shake so much that he drops an almost full cup of Barrista cold coffee

5. People start being all condescending and mean

6. People start making fun of the Meister

7. People start lying and insulting his intelligence (stop sniggering)

And all this in the space of only 2-3 days, so you can anticipate whats gonna happen in the coming days can't you

The journey continues, Nadir is in sight,

all of this means that we are gonna lose to Portsmouth and Wigan

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHHH

P.S. People keep asking the Meister why he doesn't get married.

Well judging by history, he will probably suffer from erectile disfunction, impotency and premature ejaculation and his wife will cheat on him.

So no thanks. The Meisterlife is sad enough already

Dorks through the Ages

2010-04-26T18:38:00.000+05:30

Ahh, the dorks, those perennial victims in movies...those outstanding citizens who are the butt of everybody's jokes...the ones who never get the girls in colleges (well unless the dorks are girls, in which case, they never get the hunks)..but who end up being heroes - every single nutter one of them.

We start in distant antiquity...a few years after the species pondered on and eventually voted for its as yet greatest (Special One bound to disagree) career decision - to branch off and to come down from the trees.

You see there was this fat lazy bugger, who hated walking, running, hunting and any other type of exercise so much that he never went out, the neandhertal just stayed in his cave all day fiddling with stuff. he was so anipathic to locomotion that he was forever thinking of something that will carry him with minimum effort - and after a few hiccups and swearings, voila - he got the wheel...bless ye laddie bless ye, ye probably got a girl, but you have made the Meister's life much much much easier.

We Indians have traditionally been uber-lazy asses (a tradition Meister is whole-heartedly upholding). As a result, we have always spoken highly of dorks. Dorks have always been respected and venerated here. And we have had and still continue to hav a massive plethora of dorks....liberally interspaced by complete and utter nerds. We are perhaps the only country in the world where physical prowess is frowned upon. And the biggest dork in our history probably is Aryabhatta. Great man - but total dork.

The man proposed that the earth rotates on an axis. He developed the since, cosine etc and so gave birth to trigonometry (why man why), he did weird things to algebra and that number pi, he more or less accurately calculated the circumference of the planet and the length of the sidereal rotations and sidereal years. He explained eclipses.

But perhaps his greatest achievement, and the one for which he is really famous is the invention of absolutely nothing. Yes people, the legend invented 0. Seriously people, think about how big dork person has to be to invent nothingness. As one of the mancient Brahmins, there is a distinct probability that he never went near a woman.

Another legenday dork was that German fella Guttenberg. The fella invented/created the printing press..(though he later bankrupt.....Bible? Bible? come on man, if you want money, fame and readership print either a footy magazine or erotic stories). According to wiki, he never got married either.

Another famous dork has been ole Leonardo. The man is widely thought of as the most diversely talented man in history (well thought of by everybody except the memebers of the Creature Fan Club...who believe Creature to be the most taleneted creature ever). The man is famous for his paintings of the Last Supper, the Vitruvian Man and Mona Ogg. He also conceptualised a hang glider, a helicopter, a tank, a calculator an automated bobbin winder and a machine for testing the tensile strength of wire. He did lots of research on optics, anatomy etc. But the thing is he never got a girl. What a dork though.

Now we come to ole Sir Isaac. A man so big a dork that instead of spending his free times talking to girls, he used to go and sit below apple trees. A man so legendary a dork that when a neighbourhood rowdy threw an apple at him, instead of throwing it back or eating it, he deveoped the notion of gravity. Suffice to say no girl ever came within a mile of him.

The new generation dorks - Bill Gates, Sergei and Larry have bucked the trend - they got the money, the lespect and the goils, thus fulfilling the ancient Biblical prophesy that the dorks shall inherit the earth.

So here's to ye dorks, ye certainly made the Meister's life much easier.

Heil Meister

2010-04-24T14:41:00.000+05:30

Well, the Meister has done it, he has done it people.

Today morning, while coming to office, Meister's bike put up a cease work notice and went to sleep.

Meister was like "wooo mama, now what am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do".

Passerbyes on the road were treated to a spectacle of an elephantine man moving around like a headless chicken.

Then in one of his rare moments of mental lucidity, Meister had the brainwave of calling his mechanic dude. The dude told Meister, "check the fuse".

The Meister was about to ask "what's a fuse?", when in another moment of awe-inspiring inspiration he changed it to "where's the fuse?"

Upon hearing of the location, Meister pulled up his shirtsleeves (not an easy task as he was wearing a half-sleeved shirt), and then unlocked and pulled out his battery (man that was heavy) and unscrewed the fuse.

He then got the replacement fuse and screwed it into the battery (sigh that was possibly the only time in Meister's life where he managed to fit a long thing in a hole and screw anything...poor Meister)

And voila, the thing came back to life.

So, once again the Meister has managed to prove to the world that, despite all evidence to the contrary, and in spite of numerous allegations from the cultural studies hypocrites,

Meister is not a complete waste of oxygen and space.

He rocks.

Epic Fail

2010-04-24T12:08:00.000+05:30

Recently, there has been a lot of negative feedback regarding the Meisterblog. And strangely, surprisingly and sadly, its been regarding the Meister's deep dislike and disgust of a certain creature (and its mentor). It seems that said creature has so succesfully managed to brainwash the populace that they see nowt wrong in mollycoddling and supporting said creature. The populace have now taken to spewing forth claims that Meister is unnecessarily harsh on said creature and that Meister will be sued etc.

Said creature hasn't had the balls to say anything (no surprises there); said creature's so-called-mentor tried and was ordered to piss off - these two, by the way have their heads stuck so far up each other's ass that they can only see, smell, hear, taste the world through a pile of deepshit

All that the Meister can say in this matter is that:

1. The PC brigade (or the brigade which has had courage surgically removed from their essence) still hasn't managed to castrate the Meister and never will till his dying breath (coming very soon to a hospital near you). Whatever else the Meister is, he ain't a foocking hypocrite he will say the same thing to someone's face and to his back - unlike most people who will be all lovey dovey and very nice to the face and all bitchy once the back is turned
2. Meister has lost faith in a humanity (yes yes again) which sees fit to support said creature and that they deserve whatever comes their way.

Meister gives up. He expected better from certain people, well he should have known better.

All Meister requests, and requests fervently, is for the populace to leave him alone and to never utter the name of the said creature in his presence. The AP Fan Club can love him, adore him, support him, put him on a throne, put him on their heads, lick his ass - whatever.

Meister doesn't care anymore. Its just an epic failure of humanity.

Rant over.

Now, talking of epic failsures, Meister was recently thinking about what will constitute the Top 10 Epic Fails in History. Here's what he could think of.

1. Inalchuk, governor of Otrar, killing the envoys of (and consequently pissing off) Ghenzis Khan

Way to go dumbass, you are single-handedly resposible for the complete ands utter destruction of your empire and your people....not to mention getting liquid silver poured into your eyes, ears nose etc etc

2. Napolean invading Russia

Invading the Austrians and the Spaniards (seriously everyone beats these 2, they are like the whipping boys of the western world) and invading the Russians - not the same thing eh?

On an aside only 1 group has ever successfully manged to invade Russia and thats those Mongols (who probably considered the Russian winter as springtime).

3. Paris eloping with Helen

The wife of the King of Sparta? When the brother of the said king is the bloody King of Athens and can call upon the King of Ithaca (never mind Achilles).... Seriously??

If love is blind, then someone should have taught this lad Braille. Numbnut

4. Ravana abducting Sita

Well at least Ravana can plead ignorance, he thought he was just abducting some forest dweller. You should have thought with your head, not your balls dude...and oh you should never have listened to Surpanakha

5. Porus using elephants on the river bank against Alexander

Mobility my dear Sir, mobility.

Ok, so he was defending his realm and showed real heroism etc etc but great millitary strategist he ain't. Well can't really blame him. Our (Indian) history is full of brilliant geniuses of battlefield tacticians.

6. Charge of the Light Brigade

Speaking of complete and utter incompetence

7. Whoever constructed/founded Pompey

Hey look this looks like such a beautiful place. Its just under a foocking volcano, why don't we build a city here

8. The Austrian and French armies, and oh also the Spanish

The Austrians have never won anything. Absolutely nothing. Why they ever bothered to have an army is beyond the Meister.

The Spaniards have created mass genocide when the opposition had bows and arrows etc but have had their asses handed out to them from Francis Drake to Nelson to Napolean right down to Simon Boliver.

The French, oh boy the French, the last and only French winner was that William, Duke of Normandy and that was 1066......they haven't won anything since.

9. Marcus Antonius (can't be arsed to Wiki him and get his full name)

Dude, making speeches are all well and good, but did you seriously have to piss off Octavian by declaring Ceaserion as the heir of Julius? You would think someone would have better sense than to oppose the most popular and powerful man of the empire.

10. Admit it, you thought this was going to be about said creature's parents fucking without protection thereby giving rise to such a disgusting reprehensible waste of oxygen, didn't you?

Nope, no 10 refers to Meister falling in love - it has only led to doom, gloom, misery, heartbreak and all other kinds of sad stuff. The iconic idiot should have stuck to cake and footy but no like a dynamic dumdum he decided to wade in waters he has been disqualified from.

Sigh

Well, its not all bad, it has given Meister a reason to look forward to his impending death - he wants to go the afterlife and give the soul of Tennyson the world's biggest wedgie. Better to have Loved and lost Meister's ass.

Meistelligence Quotient

2010-04-13T18:34:00.000+05:30

When Meister was a wee lil nipper and has not fully metamorphosed into the complete basketcase that he is today, Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion once took him to one of them Psycho dudes. Come to think of it it was after them days when Meister got hold of a scissor and cut away clumps of his own hair....hmm

Meister was told that they were going to conduct one of them IQ test thingies.

Them IQ thingies eh, supposedly they measure a person's intelligence.

Anyway Meister sat down to take the test......the dude kept showing the Meister them shadow picture thingies..................Meister kept on guessing its a footy match, its a tackle, thats a goal, thats a red card, thats offside, thats a naked woman, that's 2 naked women eating cake etc etc, and the investigator dude kept on sighing and shaking his head...

Once the test got over, Meister went and sat in the corner and chatted with the voices in his head while the dude talked to the Esteemed Nutter. Meister later asked the Nutter how good he did and the Nutter told him "you did well", "you are special sunshine" etc. She did have tears in her eyes at the moment. Meister thought thats tears of pride (later events and Meistric actions have confirmed that they were tears of sorrow, misery heartbreak etc etc).

For a long time, Meister could not figure out how the calculation etc was done though.....

It was only recently that after intense cogitation............. (Meister loves that word - cogitation - it makes the Meister feel like he is doing something worthwhile, instead of, you know, his typical stance of staring vacantly in spcae and dreaming of cake - Meister is cogitating seems so much better than Meister is thinking of cake).......................that Meister began to suspect that something was amiss. It couldn't have been an IQ test. It could only have been a psycho test where the results predicted how the Meister was gonna end up.

Anyway to come to the subject of IQ test,

according to Free-IQTest.net, Meister has a score of 142,

according to iqtestfree.net
"Number of correct answers: 10/10

Your level: Very superior intelligence. Are you a possible genius or near genius? 1% of people who passed the test got this score."

according to IQtest.com, it is 130

accroding to intelligencetest.com: "Your age adjusted IQ score is 129 and the average score of all test takers is 100."

and according to http://www.highiqsociety.org/iq_tests/testresults_pass.php

"YOUR IQ SCORE IS:

125

Your score places you in the top five percent of the population"

So despite claims and beliefs of certain section of the poluace who go around quoting Foucalt and Derrida and use words such as hegemony and post-modernism, it seems Meister is quite as smart guy (though being a complete basketcase).

Very nice, high five etc etc.

Anyway, according to http://www.iqtest.com/faq.html#chart

Intelligence Interval Cognitive Designation

40 - 54 Severely challenged (Less than 1% of test takers)

55 - 69 Challenged (2.3% of test takers)

70 - 84 Below average

85 - 114 Average (68% of test takers)

115 - 129 Above average

130 - 144 Gifted (2.3% of test takers)

145 - 159 Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)

160 - 175 Extraordinary genius

So even according to the chart, Meister is gifted. But enough about the Meister, let's talk about the ones on the other side.

As you can see above, 40-54 are considered severely challenged.

Meister wants to add a few more levels though.

25- 39 - imbeciles (examples of this lot can be found amongst people who believe that the sun rises and sets out of Lord Fergie's nose)

10 - 24 idiotic mornonic dumbasses (examples of this lot can be found amongst the dog killing intelligentsia of EFLU and amogst the HR Department of every organisation in the world)

That brings us to an IQ level of less than 10.

Is it possible you ask?

Yes people it is possible. Although to be fair, only 1 creature in the planet has ever managed to attain such a nadir.

Truth be told, there is a school of though which belives that said person should either have 0 or possibly a
-ve IQ level.

However, most critics have rightly opined that anyone who can exhibit such an astonishing level of hand-eye-bollock co-ordination as to burn his own bollocks deserves a positive IQ. However considering that the man is incapable of rational or logical thought and that only bullshit comes out of his mouth, he can't get more than 10.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Meister presents to you - Ayush Prasad.

Eflutania

2010-04-08T21:10:00.000+05:30

The Republic of Eflutania was a happy place, a vibrant place. Muppets and humans alike used to come from far far kingdoms to come and bask in Eflutania's glory and grandeur.

Amongst the Directors of Eflutania were the Brown Baroness and the Fat Sun Queen of LeftHandland. There was also Count Luigi di Jimborghini.

The Brown Baroness was an exceptional ruler and all creatures big and small flourished under her benevolent rule.
The Fat Sun Queen, on the other hand, was an imperious, aggressive dictator who ruled with an iron claw. Everyone who came into her land had to pay her homage etc etc.
The Count was just a stupid bastard who slept around a lot.

In this Republic came a messiah called the Sandman. He brought lots of gifts for the residents. The residents appointed him the advisor. Under his advice, Eflutania flourished so much that people started calling it the Golden Age. One notable thing of this era was the arrival of Footy in the Republic.

Gradually, under his advice and leadership, the rulers appointed many champions and knights - valiant heroes and heroines all. One by one came the Literary Worshipper, MachoMan Mishra, The Snifferman, Jonny Honey (who kept touching himself) and Don UberAntel. There were a few other soldiers etc also.

Of course there were some false characters as well - those who came just to steal glory. Ayush Prasad (who wanted to impress girls) and The Pampered Princess (who as it turned out came in search of a slave; after finding one, she hotfooted out of the place abandoning her roles and duties etc)

And then there was an extremely ugly orc called Fat Uncle Cheapo. He wasn't good for much, but he was there.

Anyway, one day the Sandman the Messiah declared that "my work here is done". He left to spread the message in distant and far-off lands. The knights were still there so everthing was hunky-dory.

The orc was kicked out (possibly for being too stupid and ugly). However, the orc kept coming in surreptitiously to meet the residents.

After a few months, things started to become bad. Battles and skirmishes broke out regularly.

And then there was an invasion from Bhaialand. It was led by the 2 evil brothers - Abbey Bhaia and Hijra Bhaia.

The Republic of Eflutania fell.

One by one the knights also fell. Snifferman went away for the lure of women, money and for a place to sniff in peace. Machoman Mishra retired. Jonny Honey went away to find a place where he would be able to touch himself in solitude. The situation soon became so dire that only the Literary Worshipper and the Don UberAntel was left.

The evil brothers soon started secret negotiations with all the Dumbasses, Assholes, Bastards, Motherfuckers, Sadists and Asslickers and of course the hypocrites. They wanted to take over the entire place and kill all the residents.

They started off with their pogrom by poisoning the residents. Despite the valiant efforts by the knights, one by one the residents fell.

The orc then started coming regularly to sutain the resistance. However, he was once caught by the Abbey Bhaia, who promptly banished him from the evil kingdom.

And then they poisoned the Brown Baroness.

Upon hearing of it, the orc once again came in (despite the ban) and secretly whisked away the Baroness to his lair. There she remained, and fought with the poison for days. But the poison was too strong.

The Baroness died.

The persecution of the residents continued intermittently.

But the evil ones were not satisfied. So they issued killing orders for all the other residents - including The Fat Sun Queen and The Count Jimborghini.

Luckily the loyal knights - Literary Worshipper and Don Uber got to know of the plan in time and managed to smuggle the Queen and the Count away to safety.

They now reside in the orc's lair.

Balls

2010-04-01T08:44:00.000+05:30

Yes balls

Balls and Meister have a deep and intimate connection....and by that Meister doesn't not mean his own balls. Those useless pieces of crap hanging between the Meisterlegs have long ago stopped working demanding work.

Meister means football.

See, the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry (except doggies). Sooner or later everybody rejects the Meister - its kinda like the national pastime actually. Even Meister's own body parts have recently joined the exodus so to speak.

So in this whirlwind of rejection, it was extremely satisfying and gratifying for the Meister to realise that footy still hasn't.

He is as fat as a hippopotamus and as unfit as Ayush Prasad's brain, but hey, his footy skills are still top notch. Despite being the world's heaviest goalkeeper, he played a large and successful part in his team finishing 3rd in he recently concluded footy tournament.

Of course he wasn't in Buffonesque territory, but he did make quite a few saves, some of them quite good saves also, and he flapped and jumped around the place, with not a single iota of thought about the repercussions on his body, like a baboon on steroids.

What's the most gratifying thing is that his team mates appreciated his efforts.......in this sea of rejection, abuse and criticism, its like a beacon of joy....the Meister is not completely and utterly useless.

The Meister abides..or rather the Meister's footy skills abide.

Oh btw, on the subject of balls, our dear ol Taco Bell Girl has recently discovered that she possesses some mysterious super power - and a super power that makes all men flinch in fear also (except the Meister - who has nothing really to lose and Ayush - who is too stupid to notice anything and has anyway burnt his).

Yes people, that's right, she can make balls disappear from her hands!!!!!!

Poor future husband is all the Meister can say in this matter

Antels and Oranges

2010-03-24T14:29:00.000+05:30

Oranges have crept in the Meister's life lately (due to no fault of his own though)

It all started when the Uber Antel wanted a book about oranges and bananas etc titled Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Meister, being a simple proletariat thought that it was a book about fruits and farming etc. So he ordered the book via internet.

Everything hunky dory so far.

But the book never arrives and the Uber started asking pointed questions etc etc.

Meister got really worried and scared. So he called up the booksellers. Those muppets said that the book has gone out of stock and that they will be refunding the money.

The Meister got really scared. He did not want to get shouted at. He started thinking of what to do.

Finally he got the brilliant brainwave (he is really smart you know....just a bit slow) of looking at other bookshops and sites. Alas, it was not there in any of the other websites.

Moreover, it turns out that the book is about lesbians......one of the censored words in office computers or something.

So he decided to browse through Landmark and Crossword. Alas, again - their websites suck. He tried looking at the British Council index but soon realised that like a dynamic dimwit, he had forgotten his password etc.

So he decided to call Landmark (Crossword website directs user to Shopper's Stop - foocking muppets).

So, Meister called Landmark

M: I want Oranges are not the Only Fruit

Landmark Employee: I am sorry Sir! We don't have oranges here. We don't sell fruits.

M: Nono, I don't want oranges or bananas. I want a book. It is called Oranges are not the Only Fruit.

LE: I don't think we have any books on fruits and vegetables right now Sir.

M: Nono, its not about fruits, its ablout lesbians.

LE: Eh?

M: Yep, it is a book by a lady called Jeannette Whatshername.

L: I am sorry sir but we don't have any such book at the moment.

M (in a rare moment of lucidity and on the spot intelligence): OK, what about your branches in the other cities? Do they have it?

L: If you place an order Sir, then we can get it for you.

M: Get it man, get it. Its a foocking emergency. No beard is safe!!!

L: Errr Sir? Excuse me?

M: Never mind, just get the book as soon as you can. Here's my number.

Couple of days later ,they called saying that they have found the book in one of their other branches and should they get it? Meister went: yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

A couple of days later they again called saying Sir Sir we got it etc. Upon hearing it Meister rode like the wind (well a very slow wind as the max speed of his scooter is 25 km/hr) and bought it and later in the evening gave it to the Uber one.

In the meantime, on Sunday he was assaulted with a deadly weapon. Well, a semi-deadly weapon anyway.

Meister's lips have gone all bionkers....some thing about vitamin deficiency or something. When Meister told Uber this, she gave an evil laugh - thereby scaring both the Meister and the autowallah and then she brought out a jar.

And then she scooped some chemicals out of it

And then she assaulted the Meister. She pounced on him and before he could defend himself put them chemicals on his lips. It was petroleum jelly and it tasted and smelt like oranges.

Meister couldn't taste anything apart from oranges for the next 48 hours or so.

To put the cherry on the top, Meister got tea with an orange inside it at Pizza Hut - though he had ordered for lemonade.

Sisyphean Masochism

2010-03-22T15:49:00.000+05:30

According to them Greek fellas, Sisyphus was a bit of a bar stud. He also decided to tangle with them Olympians (never a good idea in the best of times - look at what happened to that poor bugger Prometheus and that arsehole Tantalus) and pissed the crap out of Ares. He also had the temerity to rat out Zeus (father of all luj characters), while he was foocking some river god's daughter.

Result - Tartarus for all eternity, and not a jobless banishment, the dude would have to push a rock up a steep mountain, only to have the rock roll down....and this till the end of time. (well technically he did get a break once - according to that fella Ovid anyway...apparently he sat down and listened to the songs of Orpheus). Suffice to say that as far as punishments go, this is right up there as one of the meanest.

Ever since, pointless or futile activities which are doomed to fail are often described as Sisyphean.

Which brings us to the Meister. Critics opine that his whole life is Sisyphean in nature. The Meister disagrees....albeit partially. There are only certain areas and aspects of the Meister's life which are Sisyphean in nature. The masochistic element comes in the picture because the Meister knows that these things are doomed and destined to fail, yet like a fool, like an idiot, like a muppet etc etc he persists in doing them anyway.

1. Falling in love

Let's look at this objectively .....girls like

powerful guys
smart guys
intelligent guys
handsome guys with good bodies
rich guys
tall guys
guys with long hair
guys with devil may care attitude
guys with charisma

And then there is the Meister - the exact opposite of each and everything on that list. So, its a foregone conclusion that those of the oestrogenic persuasion are never going to find the Meister attractive.

Despite knowing this, the damn fool went and did it anyway - the idiot fell in love.

Sisyphean masochism at its best.

2. Dreaming

Statistically, it has been proven that none - not a single one - of the Meister's dreams has ever come true. So one should assume that the dumbass would stop dreaming shouldn't he?

Wrong

Showing extreme varieties and severe symptoms of masochism, the numbnut keeps on dreaming and hoping et for things to happen. He even makes plans etc.

Perfect examples would be him dreaming about and making plans for visiting London, Bangaladesh and Ajanta Ellora (which is slowly looking like the blood Grail Quest) - all of which have totally and utterly fallen flat due to various reasons.

And yet, now he is thinking of a trip to the mountains...which judging by past performance will also be cancelled.

Examples can also easily be fouund from his education and career.

3. Supporting Chelsea in Europe

There is some sort of fatality involeved here.

In the last few years Chelsea have lost in Eurorpe due to:

Manager Claudio Ranieri making weird subs during halftime which comepletely ruined the balance of the side (Chelsea was leading at halftime); thereby letting the opposition score 3
Luis Garcia of the damnfools getting awarded a goal despite the ball never going beyond the line
John Terry - the captain- falling flat on his arse while taking the last shot in a tie breaker (Chelsea was ahead - the prancing show pony hermaphrodite's shot was saved earlier by Cech; had Terry scored, Chelsea would have been the European champions) and subsequently sending the ball as away from the goal as humanly possible
The referee not giving 4, yes 4 penalties which would have sealed victory against the Barca boys (Chelsea was the only team i nthe world who stopped Barca from scoring for 180 minutes)
Jose Mourinho, the Special One - a manager who Roman fired as the manager of Chelsea, and who in his first visit back as the manager of another team - Internazionale as it happens - plotted and made the perfect tactics and subs to eliminate Chelsea

So, if you wanna see Sisyphean endeavours with a dollop of masochism, and you don't wanna go to Tartarus, look no further than our very own Meister

Moi Oyis Moi Oyis

2010-03-17T15:15:00.001+05:30

Meister had pain in his oyis, so Meister went to the opthalm....optom.... eye doctor dude.

He happily went and sat down in the chamber and the doc asked him what's wrong.

Meister replied: "Moi oyis hurt". The doc said "hmmm" and then he asked the Meister about his profession, lifestyle etc. Upon hearing that the Meister is a wanker, he said: "you are a pervert you sick bastard".

Meister said: "naaahahaaa... I wank only at home in complete privacy, if you want to see a pervert, then look no further than Jonny Honey. We even have a song for him......

"Some men like women

And some men like men

And then there's Jonathan

Who just goes around touching himself

Lalalalalalallalalla..........."

And he does that anywhere and everywhere

The doc became all serious and stuff and declared: "I am gonna test your eyes. So sit there." Meister sat, the doc ordered him to "open wide" - his oyis of course. So the Meister made his oyis as big as possible, upon which the doc poured some acid into them.

Yes, people, the sick son of a mongoose poured some acid into the Meister's oyis.

Meister started writing in pain and shouting "moi oyis, moi oyis" and "why doc why?"

The doc laughed in a theatrical manner and declared: "I am an agent of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz and I have been ordered to hurt you and torture you by the great one himself. I have been waiting for my chance for 5 years now. Now I will make you sumbit in the altar of the Chunku"

Meister shouted: "Neverrrrrrrr, you may take moi oyis, but you will never take moi....err....what do you want again?"

Doc said: "I want you to conced to the Great Chunku"

Meister said: "No way, do whatever you want, I dare you" - which on hindsight was not a smart thing to say, but hey what the hell, whatever else he might be, noone can accuse the Meister to be smart.

So, the doc started paper whipping Meister's oyiballs.

Meister started shouting: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paper whipping will only make my cry"

The doc got all confused and said: "Eh? That does not even rhyme!!"

The Meister replied: "Its post-modern"

The doc then said: "Hmmm, it seems stronger measures are necessary. I didn't want to do it, but you made me do it. Now there's no turning back." And he brought out a contraption which closely resembles an iron maiden (the medieval torture device, not the muppety rock and roll version).

He put the Meister's face into it and then started poking Meister's irises with a poking thingy and beamed compious quantities of laser stuff into his eyes to make him blind. He started shouting: "So, Meister, do you want this to stop? All you have to do is to declare that the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is god's gift to boudis!!"

Meister said: "Oi am a man of moi words. Oi have already declared that

a. there is no god

b. the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is mother nature's gift to the hair gel industry

So, there is no way in hell Oi am declaring anything else. "

The doc looked at the Meister in awe and wonder and respect and said: I concede. Now I know why the Great Chunku is so scared of you. You are the 1st person who could resist the torture."

Meister replied: "This was nothing. Nothing Oi tell ya. Recently I survived an experience so horrible, so horrific, so horrendous, so hideous, so heinous, so abhorrent, so inquitous, so flagitous, so despicable, so repugnant, so execrable, so nefarious, so pernicious that after that everything else looks like breakfast, nothing on earth, hell, purgatory or Pakistan can even come close to that torture."

Doc asked: "What happened?"

Meister replied: "Oi had to look at and listen to Ayush Prasad continuously for 3days"

In the future

2010-03-10T15:04:00.003+05:30

2000 years in the future....the world is a post apocalyptic barren wasteland. Humanity has been wiped off (probably because of something Ayush Prasad did). Some researcher from some alien planet comes to earth and does some excavations and digs up, amongst other things,

the Meister's pants

They see that it is a highly stained affair. They decide do an analysis of it, you know one of them forensic ones. Guess what they will find??

(stop thinking obscene stuff you people with dihtyy minds)

They will find some weird medical gel, mayonese(sic), sweet onion sauce, honey mustard sauce, tea, coffee, chocolate milkshake, some banana-blackcurrant milkshake, chicken curry, oil from fried potatoes, biscuit crumbs, cookie crumbs, some greasy stuff from mashed potatoes, coleslaw, some poshto seeds, some greasy oily stuff from some French food, some pastaesque soup whose name starts with an m, navratan korma, paneer mushroom curry and some thums up.

Yes people, Meister has been eating and spilling things on his pants as if there's no tomorrow.

Its all part of the Meisterplan - the one which involves him eating so much that his arteries and veins get pissed off and quit working.

Yes people, Meister is going to eat and eat till either the food runs out in the planet or his internal organs go ka blooey and he finally dies.

Kooky people, these doctors

2010-03-10T13:25:00.002+05:30

Well, it was time for the Meister's quarterly visit to the land of the sickos. So Meister went to Yashoda.

And found out that his cardiologist has run away....... yes people facing the prospect of facing the Meister again, the dude just quit.

And so began Meister's bugging of the recpetionists et all to give him another doctor. However, whoever they called up seemed to be mysteriously either out or away or busy. Finally after what seemed like an eternity (15 mins) they found dude who was stuck in the ICU/ICCU.

So off Meister went to the 4th floor and met the doctor (nice lad) who took one look at the Meister and shouted "lose weight you fat bastard". he also told Meister to undergo a plethora of tests. A dispirited Meister trudged back.

Next day, with encouragement from parents and curses from his boss (Meister had to take a half day) Meister went back to get his tests done.
After paying what seemed like the GDP of a small nation, they allowed the Meister to proceed to room 1 where a muppet took a bigass syringe and plunged it straight into Meister's veins and drew a few litres of blood.

Then they kicked him out.

So the Meister was loitering around the hospital pointing at sick and injured people calling out "muppet" etc when a nurse came and gently and firmly took him into a room, ordered him to take off his shoes and shirt (not his pants...noone wants to take off the Meister's pants...sigh poor Meister), lie down on a bed and then poured about a litre of gel. The Meiter, utterly bewildered and feeling like the Great Indian Chunkubaaz's hair, was wondering what the hell was going on when this dude who looked like a wrestler came up and started navigating all over the Meister's chest with a joystick. Apparently, they were taking a picture of the Meister's heart or something.

Why anyone would want to take a picture of the Meister's heart is flabbergasting.........

Weird people these doctors.

Anyway, once they finished taking pictures of his heart, they dragged him to another room and this time poured a litre of gel on his tummy. Meister was highly indignant and was shouting at them to stop messing around with his tummy. They ordered the Meister to "shut the foock up fatso" and told the meister that they are going to do some Renal Artillery Doffler.

Meister got scared, artillery activities inside the tummy are never a good idea. The Meister was about to protest vehemently and quote the Rights of Man when they explained to the Meister that it's not Artillery but Arterial. They told the Meister that they would take pictures of the Meister's kidneys and renal artreries etc.

Strange people, these doctors.

Anyway, then the nurse left and brought on reinforcements in the form of a lady doctor. She also came armed with a joystick, but she took one look at the Meister's exposed tummy and ran away shouting for mummy etc.

So now it was the turn of a really senior doctor. He came with a joystick and immediately ordered the Meister to hold his breath and started to poke and prod his tummy. Apparently the apparatus etc couldn't see anything because of the presence of an immense quantity of fat. So the docotr rolled up his sleeves and decided to really have a go. It was borderline grievous bodily harm (a certain Uber's speciality).

The Meister is sure that irrep....irrev....irre..... some serious harm was done to his kidneys etc.

Anyway armed with the plethora of test reports, Meister went in search of the doctor. He found the doctor hiding in the ICU/ICCU. Upon seeing the Meister the doctor again shouted "didn't I tell you to lose weight you fat son of a mongoose". With a weary sigh and incessant grumblings et all the doctor looked at the reports and prescribed a plethora of medicines and ordered Meister "to take these medicines untill and unless he felt like he is dying.....upon which he should go and jump into the Hussain Sagar."

Peculiar people, these doctors.

Ignoracne is Bliss

2010-03-08T13:20:00.002+05:30

Yesterday/today morning (Meister gets confused by time) the Sexy Auntie flew to LA LA Land, which btw is slowly getting filled up by sexy female linguists from India (and that hirsute fella).

So hearing that she is leaving, Meister went to wave tata to her at her place.....and guess what happened?

She banged the door on Meister's face even before he could enter.

This after a week when the Meister got dumped for a party (that Meister can understand - parties generally being more interesting and better than the Meister) and was politely informed (after an invitation to come visit mind you) that if he does come then he has to loiter around on his own as the hostess will have much more important (and naturally better) things to do

Sigh, nobody wants the Meister to come.

Except Meister's dear friend the Count Luigi di Jimborghini or Jimbo as he is commonly referred to. Although it might be because he is a stupid bastard, but the look of joy on Jimbo's face and the frantic circular movement of his tail more than makes up for the looks of disgust, disdain and exasperation that inadvertently/deliberately comes to people's faces when the Meister turns up at their door.

Ah the Meister - loved by animals, hated/disliked/barely tolerated by mankind

Unfortunately, Jimbo's expression of joy often manifests itself through his bloody nails as a result of which the Meister's hands are now full of deep and profound scratches.

Anyway, after the Meister begged entrance to Auntie's place, Auntie gave him some Japanese drink, unfortunately and evocatively called SUSU. It tasted awesome. Those damn Jappies are good at making everything - electronics, cars, bikes, animation, films, porn and now drinks.

However, if SUSU is indeed made up of the susu of any animal, then please refrain from pointing in out to the Meister - in his case ignorance is bliss. After the last couple of weeks that he had had, he does not need to know that he had gone and drunk something just 1 organ away from crap.

Suicide

2010-02-24T13:46:00.011+05:30

You know that Meister wants to commit suicide don't you? Well, if you didn't know you do. Now Meister knows what you are pondering. You are pondering

Why Meister Why?

Well, let the Meister regale you with the story of a typical day in the Meister's life.

As a lot of things start, this also starts with a dream. People dream and fantasise right? Sometime about love and sex etc also right?

Meister does also. Unfortunately, in the Meister's case, even in his dreams and fantasies, he never gets sex. Other people have sex, Meister gets rejected and shouted at.

So in Meister's case, dreams imitate reality. Sigh

So with a heavy heart, Meister gets up, and the power goes off. Meister goes to office. En route he gets overtaken by all and sundry including a bicycle, a running kid, a lost tortoise and a lazy snail.

He also did get to see 7 - yes thats right 7 - scooters each with 2 females all wearing jackets and sweaters and other assorted paraphernilia. Just for the record it was bloody hot, Meister was sweating despite wearing only a thin cotton shirt and a jeans.

Anyway, he reached office only to find out that it was the last day for tax filing. Consternation etc prevailed. Anyway he had to finish a batch of work all hurriedly and stuff in order to go back home and therein laid another problem.

You know that the Meister moves around in an e-scooter. Well with a top speed of 25 km/hr it is not suited for emergencies. So Meister had to beg his colleagues for the use of their vehicles. From previous experience Meister knew that Mr. V's Honda has a teenie weenie problem - brakes are temeperamental, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. So Meister asked Lil McD for the use of his 2 wheeler.

When it was time for Meister to leave office, the power went off - meaning the lifts stopped working and Meister had to climb down 5 floors worth of stairs. So he went down all tired and wilted and hopped on the vehicle and discovered that

The left brake is more or less a figment of imagination, there are no rear view mirrors and the whole chassis shakes like a skeleton doing the rumba during an earthquake

Suffice to say that Meister's BP went up up and away.

Anyway he managed to reach home without any incident and collapsed once in. So what happens - the power goes off yet again. A hat trick.

Anyway, Meister starts searching for his LIC, ICICI, PROv Fund, Mediclaim et all certificates....and continues searching frantically....scaring MidasDude in the process btw.

After half an hour of frantic searching and destroying his apartment Meister finally found his stuff....and felt so bad that he had to lie down for a few minutes.

By this time his BP had more or less reached the stratosphere.

Anyway, after lying down and calming down etc, he went on the return journey and it was hot. It was so hot that by the time Meister reached office, he had lost about a couple of litres in sweat.

So he goes back to office, submits his papers etc, collapses on his chair............................................

and gets an interview call

Even on a good day, Meister is not a good interviewee, forget a bad day. Meister has no clue what he rambled. Suffice to say the company hasn't called back.

So with a heavier heart et all, Meister gets to work and continues working till its time to leave.

So after finishing a loooooooooooooooooong day, Meister goes to the parking lot and sees that some bastard had again tried to steal his scooter.

So the was tired, sad and pissed off. But hey who cares about the Meister.

Anyway he comes home - after buying some chicken curry from Garden. He thought that rice and chicken curry would be a good dinner.

But, Uber called him up to say she wants to go out for dinner with Hippo and Weirdaccent and asked whether he wants to join them. Meister thinking that it would be somewhere nearby agrees. So he goes to the campus and

somehow someway

his scooter key gets stuck inside the lock.

After an hour of futile pulling and pushing and oiling et all the key came out but the lock broke :-(

So there was no other option than to physically manhandle the scooter to the parking lot and keeping it there. Hippo and Midas helped.

Even then it was almost too much for Meister's wee lil heart. So he sat down and while panting found out that the the assorted intelligentsia wanted to go to Indijoes in foocking Banjara Hills!!!!! Meister was about to say no thank you when thankfully they decided that its too far.

So this is more or less a typical day in the Meistric life. And this goes on over and over and over.....like that groundgog day thingy.

So now you know why he wants to commit suicide.

And guess what? he has found the perfect way how to. All he needs to do is to stop taking his medicines. After 1 day of not taking medicines he becomes a virtual vegetable. After 1 month, death via heart attack is more or less guaranteed.

Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Calamity......

2010-02-22T13:47:00.003+05:30

Its over, its over, the Meister's life is over....somebody kill the Meister, kill the Meister now.

The Meister had lost quite a lot of things in life...some he misses desperately, some he doesn't give a foock about.....he had never had quite a few things in life as well. But amongst everything, one thing which he had always had is his beard.

Yes the Meisterbeard - the flowing locks which are a source of intense attraction (not sexual, only sadistic) for a certain Uber and which brought forth gargantuan jealousy from a certain Great Indian Chunkubaaz (him possesing a total of 16 miserable looking stubble)

But alas, like every other part/organ of his body, the beard has started disintegrating also. Yesterday while shampooing his beard, Meister found out, to his heartbreak, that 8 of them have resigned and have come off.

Its the beginning of the end.

But its ok, at least Meister has a girlfriend....oh....ok he has his football...oh hang on.....ok then he has a great job......errr......ok ok he at least has his health...oh crap

As the Meister said - Agony, Armageddon,Anguish, Calamity, Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Devastation, Despair, Desolation, Dibacle, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Ruin, Woe...........

Them Proverbs

2010-02-18T13:03:00.006+05:30

Meister was recently thinking about proverbs. Don't ask why. Anyway, while thinking of them proverbs, he realised that quite few of them have become outdated or are simply wrong.

And because the Meister has all the time in the world, he is going to do a commentary on some of them.

A Bird in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush

This always always makes the Meister smile :-)

A good beginning makes a good ending

The Meister is living proof that that is pure bunkum. He has sat through crappy movies and read quite a few crappy books in his time. You people will also probably feel the same way once you rech the end of this blog :-)

A good man is hard to find

Hulloooo, the Meister is right here

A miss is as good as a mile

Doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Meister would have understood had it said a miss is as good as a missus or for those of a feministic inclination - a miss is good as a mister.

He would have even understood had it said - a miss is as good (or even better) as/than a Meister, but a mile. How a mile comes into the picture is just confusing.

Don't cross the bridge till you come to it

How else in hell's name is a person supposed to cross it then? Some of these things are just weird the Meister swears.

Every Jack has his Jill

Should be disqualified for being utterly and pathetically wrong. How is it wrong you ask?

Well Exhibit A - Meister

Fight fire with fire

Meister just hopes that some silly ass have not gone and told the firefighters this. The last time they tried it, this was the result - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Fire_of_London

Flattery will get you nowhere

Whoever came up with this have clearly never worked in an Indian company.

Good things come to those who wait

27 years 11 months and 5 days and still waiting.......

He who laughs last laughs longest

Now this the Meister agrees is often true. But then again, it is true because generally the person concerned is a tube light (you know someone who understands something half an hour after everyone else have undrstood it)

Hard work never did anyone any harm

This is the sort of thing them capitalist bosses or them rich landowners come up with in order to retain their imperialistic hegemony over money.

Off with their heads the Meister says, power to the people the Meister says,

Liberty, Equality etc etc the Meister says

but then again, that means Meister would technically be equal to Ayush Prasad

so, in that case, Status Quo should be maintained the Meister says

It never rains but it pours

Maybe in England or Cherapunji but definitely not in Hyderabad

It's never too late

That suspiciously sounds like Fergie time

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Now this, amongst all the proverbs makes the Meister go bananas. This is a statement of such astounding muppetery, that the Meister is speechless.

Thankfully, this is a blog and so the Meister can still write.

What kind of a sick pathetic inhumane joke is that? What twisted sadistic mind can even conceive of such a thing? Oh, yes that its that tone deaf bourgeois Tennyson....foocking hell man, you should have stuck to all them Lady Shallott, Lotos Eaters and Light Brigade stuff. You have no clue how badly it hurts, mate, falling in love and getting rejected. Be glad Emily didn't reject you.

Of course, Meister is a reasonable man and he will give you the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that you really were talking about your favourite footy team loosing a match, in which case all is forgiven (unless you were a Manure, in which case double curse you)

Less is more

Eh? Its like saying darkness is light, evil is good, Gary foocking Neville is human, Ayush Prasad is smart etc etc

Let the dead bury the dead

How lazy are we as a species???????????

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

6 words - 4 of them redundant. The proverb would have been much more genuine and succint had it stated

Marry - Repent

Never judge a book by its cover

Unless said book is a book written by some Serbian fella with a Polish name (or some Polish fella with a Serbian name...Meister never remembers). Same refutation also applies to all antel books and anything written by Iris Murdoch, Thomas Hardy, Stephanie Mayers or for that matter anything in the Mills and Boons series.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Another one which Meister does not understand. Sound advice though. As in if someone gives you a horse, why look at its mouth?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

May be applicable for some insensitive fellas or some hard nutters, definitely for the Meister.

The child is the father of the man

This just bewilders the Meister. What does this mean? Is it promoting incest or something? Even then, Meister would have thought it physcially impossible for the child to be the father of man. Its too complicated for a simple mind like the Meister's. That psycho fella Freud would have had a field day with it though.

The best things in life are free

Lets see shall we?

Watching footy - not free

Cake - not free

Potatoes - not free

Chocolate - not free

Ice cream - not free

Alcohol - not free

Getting abuse and being shouted at by all and sundry - free

Go figure

The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Now this the Meister wholeheartedly agrees with

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Now who in their right minds would want to catch flies uis beyond the Meister.

What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

Something tells the Meister that the numpty who came up with that was deaf

You can have too much of a good thing

That just does not make any sense at all. Is it saying that too much footy is a bad thing? IS it? Seriously? And before any muppet starts claiming tht the proverb does not say 'cannot' Meister would advice them all to go and check their school grammar to figure out the connotaions of the word 'too'

You can't make bricks without straw

Maybe in the 16th century, not now....some one update this....you can have something like

You can't make coffee without milk

Meister knows that technically you can and that there are some sad deluded numpties who actually drink that stuff, but coffee without milk is Guus-awful that it is better to drink one's own pee...that at least is allegedly good for health.

Two heads are better then one

A mysoginist proverb!! Who would have thunk!! And funnily enough the muppet feminists haven't figured it out yet.

Does the Meister have to spell it out?

Think about it?

Who has two heads?

Men do...one on the top of their neck and the other on the top of their doodah.

This reminds the Meister of that old joke - you know the one about Why are men better thinkers and women better talkers?

Coz men have two heads and women have four lips

There's more than one way to skin a cat and There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream and Give a dog a bad name and hang him

Animal cruelty!!!!! Which sick bastard wants to do that??!!!!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Meister really can't argue with that now can he :-) Although supporting the man's footy club would also help.

There are two sides to every question

Oh yeah? Pray tell the two sides of the question - What is your name?

The only good Indian is a dead Indian

Even the foocking Paki bastards have a proverb of their own!!!!!!!

The husband is always the last to know

The Meister would respectfully and vehemently like to disagree and refute this. It is usually the Meister who is the last to know.

The good die young

Nonsense...Exhibit A - the Meister...he is still alive isn't he?

Only fools and horses work

What about the Meister then? He knows he is not a horse, he has a certificate and everything. So if he is not a horse, does that mean he is a......oh crap

As Depressed as a Drunk Skunk in a Funk

2010-02-17T13:17:00.004+05:30

A few of you had recently asked why the Meister had been in a funk lately. Well here goes....

Reasons for Meister's latest bout of dumdumness can be categorised in the following ways.

a. Office

This has to do with el bastardo, Meister's boss. The dynamic dumbass forced the Meister to stay in office till 11 and why? Because His Dastardiness had gone cavorting with some client in the afternoon and evening. That coupled with the attitude that Meister's work is never good enough, even if Meister follows instructions to the inch. In such cases, as he cannot say anything else, he will play the ultimate trump card - client feedback.

b. Health

Meister really doesn't need to say anything about this now does he? The whole of last week, he was suffering despite taking all his medicines dilligently etc etc Also, the lack of sleep had taken a huge toll......by the end of the week, he had run out of fuel as well as reserves....he was tottering around on fumes.

c. Lady Talkslalot

Last weekend, Meister, upon hearing of the existence of custard, had invaded Talksalot's premises, for said custard. In the ensuing conversations, Meister got to know that Talkslaot had a recent hike. Meister demanded a party or rather food. Talksalot said she will. On Tuesday, while chatting, when Meister asked her about time and place, she ran away (virtually of course) and wnt AWOL. Her excuse later was that she didnt see the chat message. She did offer to give him food but the Meister doesn't want pity food.

d. Dreams

Ahhh, Freudian territory.

Meister had a dream, involving You Know Who. Now Meister usually only dreams about football, so this was weird.

In the dream, Meister was going to office in a train (probably MMTS). He was with some unidentifiable friend. All of a sudden he saw You Know Who going into the ladies compartment. He was astounded, astonished, flabbergasted etc etc. He couldn't believe his eyes. He asked his friend did you see her? Is she really there? Whats she doing there?

Imagine Meister's consternation when the friend told Meister that she had married Kirti (don't ask why, no clue why his name came into the procedings...hell at least it wasn't Ayush Prasad.....that would have prompted Meister to drive to the top of the STFLMNDI overbridge, drink a bottle of rat poison, stab himself multiple times with a knife and then jump from the top of the bridge in the path of an incoming train) and had been living in Hyd for the last 1 year. Meister was heartbroken, and so devastated that he woke up.

Now the Meister has rationally (or what goes for rationale in his head anyway) analysed the dream and he has come to this conclusion. Its not the fact that she has married.....just because the Meister can't marry doesn't mean that she shouldn't....Meister is perfectly reconciled to hear about her marriage at any moment of time. What hurt the Meister was the fact that she didn't even tell the Meister...well she didn't really have to, but it would have been nice tho......its as if

i. Meister doesn't matter...which is sad

ii. she doesn't trust the Meister in some ways...which is also sad

e. Ayush Prasad

A lil bit of him is ok, say for 13 seconds...but a whole lot of him just drives the Meister bananas.

3 days of Ayush brings Meister to suicidal or homicidal territory.

What makes it even worse is that he had promised Don Uber that he won't be nasty at Ayush. When Meister makes a promise, he keeps it......but man alive it was harsh...it was easily one of the closest Meister has ever been to breaking a promise.

Meister can't help it. The moment Ayush's mouth opens, Meister itches to kick him in the bollocks.... and this despite the fact that Meister belives and practices that ancient gentleman's code... Thou Shalt not Kick Thy Opponent in the Bollocks

f. Ayush has a girlfriend

In fact he had 1 earlier, now he has another one. James Michal has had gfs, despite him thrashing them. Shray has/had 1. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz had had about 3 dozen. Every Tom, Dick and Son of a Mongoose has, had, will have gf(s).

Noone for the Meister. None. Not even 1. No woman, not 1 woman has ever liked him or loved him enough and is ever likely to (his mother and grandmother don't count).

g. Uber

Uber came up and told the Meister that she is going to make it up to him. Extremely kind of her and all that but Meister is not used to that kinda kindness and it just makes him confused.

It made him think about how he comes off - does he come off as a person who keeps a track, a ledger of favours etc? Its not as if he was helping the kid as the kid is a friend.
He would have done the same or whatever else required for anybody in the world - even Tasneem and Ayush. Honestly. Ok, after his latest revealations, maybe not Ayush.

h. Everyone shouts at the Meister

Everyone. Well almost everone. (In his 28 years of existence, there is just 1 person who has never - Merryaduck Brandybuck, Meister's friend from the age of 3.)

It doesn't matter what Meister does, how he behaves, sooner or later he pisses off and irritates everybody....with the result that they shout at him.
Everytime Meister thinks that ok, maybe this time there won't be a shout.......disappointment every time. It has come to such a situation that he expects to be shouted at every day, any day, any moment. To him it has become a matter of when, not if. Just like a dhobi's gadha who knows the whip is coming, Meister also knows that its coming.

It makes the Meister want to just throw in the towel and just to end it all.

So now you all know. Enough of this type. The regular Meister will be back with a new post in no time.

A Sour Taste in the Mouth

2010-02-16T13:21:00.006+05:30

Meister had promised himself that he wouldn't do this...that he wouldn't base himself or degrade himself like this...however unfortunately, being human (yes yes he knows it seems unlikely that a human can be this ugly, but it is true nonetheless, he has a certificate and everything) he is doing it.

So here goes, a post on Ayush Prasad.

Yes, the same Ayush Prasad who burnt his own balls.

And going against his every instinct and fighting his own flesh and blood and nerves et all, Meister will try not to use a single adjective to describe said person.

Last week, there was some extreme bruhaha in campus, by that the Meister means the campus where he spent 2 years of his life. The Jatobsesser got thrashed badly by her boyfriend.....on her birthday nonetheless...poor kid...anyway, as a result entered Ayush Prasad, all paragon of virtue and beacon of morality, in the scene.

Lacking any sense of practicality whatsoever, Ayush naturally started quoting philosophy and lecturing the poor kid. The fact that she should be or might need to be taken to the doctor never entered his mind. Nor the fact that even an ice cube or a hug helps....or even food (yes Meister doesn't care what anyone says, food helps)

So once the lecture started, it continued for 3 continuous foocking days.

Now since Ayush Prasad loves nothing better in life than to talk about himself, every lecture, every moniologue, every discourse soon turned into something about him. And it was when he was talking about himself that he told the Meister that he is against the institution of marriage, how it is this and that etc etc. So Ayush Prasad had decided that he will participate in a novel form of protest against marriage.

So far so good?

Its all about the timing right?

So Ayush Prasad will protest against the institution of marriage while getting married.

So why is he getting married if he is so against the institution? Because he is scared....no this is not something Meister is alleging, this is what Ayush himself declared.

In the Meistric dictionary, there are a few words which are there to describe people like these. You know the sort of people who do not possess the courage to do what they preach.

The word hypocrite comes to mind. Woos is also applicable.

Coward is also highly appropriate.

But hey this is Ayush Prasad right, Meister guesses that while burning his physical balls, he also managed to burn his inner balls.

Another proof of which Meister received when he got to hear that Ayush Prasad himself had, as a proof of his masculinity, beaten up one of his former girlfriends.

Yes people, Ayush Prasad, the great protector of women and women's rights, had beaten up a woman.

However, since the Meister wasnt there when this action took place, he would be more than happy to delet this part of his blog and apologise to Ayush Prasad if he, or any of his friends or philopohers or guides, can prove that he didn't do it.

And he had the temerity to try and justify his actions in front of the Meister.

Anyway people,

do whatever you want Meister doesn't care.

But if you raise your hands on a woman or a child, don't do it in front of the Meister and don't try to justify yourself in front of the Meister.

There is NO JUSTIFICATION for beating up a woman or a child or for that matter anyone who is weaker than you - none whatsoever.

A Plague on your House

2010-02-11T14:05:00.002+05:30

You know what, not only on your house, but plague on the houses of all you hold dear.

In case, the readers are wondering, that curse is directed towards some intellectually deprived arsehole who tried to steal the Meister's e-scooter.

So, since you tried to harm the Meister, here's the Meister's curse in return

A plague on the houses of everyone you hold dear

plus

Meister curses that

your penis develop a huge and painful boil, which in turn makes you impotent
your bollocks shrink to the size of peanuts
you get piles and fistchula
all your teeth rot and fall away
you get carbuncles in your armpits
you get ulcer
you get rheumaticsm
you get beaten by 15 cats, 20 dogs, 100 bees, 1 million mosqitoes carrying malaria
you get a new version of swine flu for which there is no medicine yet

your mother run away from your father with a girl 30 years her junior
your sister etc become prostitutes
you get cuckolded by every single man in your locality
you lose everything you own in a property dispute with your cousin

One Wild Night

2010-02-10T13:22:00.005+05:30

And before you luj characters start gallivanting at the prospect of hearing about some salacious details, let Meister remind you that this is Meister we are talking about.
So no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, no rock and roll, not even a kiss...
oh hang on a minute, technically there was rock and roll..... on the Meister's computer.

The wild night of Meistric persuasion contains work, more work, some more work, a racist mysoginist boss, power cuts, absence of coffee and the police......and lest the Meister forget, pubic hair straightener (anyone commenting on the spelling will get a look of disdain, you know the sort of look that Meister gets from human beings whenever they see him or the look that antels and assorted intelligentsia of Nutters and Luj Characters University [formerly Central Institute of Nutters and Luj Characters] give the Meister when he claims that he has an IQ of over 130....seriously he does....according to all them tests...but alas noone believes him).

As an aside, talking of the University reminds the Meister about the 4 schools that are present and inhabited by the antels and the intelligentsia

School of Literature - Walking with noses pointed towards the sky and writing crap in such a way that nobody ever understands anything anyway...its been going on for such a long time that neither the teachers nor the students understand anything and have no clue whats being said or written and have found recourse in calling a spade a soil redistribution equipment

School of Linguistics - Admit it dudes, you all wanted to study science, you flunked in either physics or chemistry or maths or stats (or in the Meister's case everything), and studying Linguistics gives an ego massage....at least you are studying some sort of science eh...it also gives an excuse or opportunity to pretend what you are doing is extremely serious

School of Cultural Studies - All hegemonistic upper caste males should be killed...whoever shouts that the loudest gets O grades...that taken care of, everybody can go about doing what they really came to the University for, to whit sleeping around...well for 2 years anyway...and then once course is over, to fall over themselves to get jobs in multinationsl corporations.

School of ELE - Timepass

Well, there are a few weirdos around who seem to genuinely like their subjects etc, plus there are some ubers also, they are excused.

Anyway rant over, to come back to topic

Meister ended up staying and working in office till 11 in the night...no Meister shouldn't tell a lie...it was 10.50 not 11....chi Meister chi....Anyway, at least he got free dinner for his troubles.

At 11, with tottering footsteps and drooping eyelids, Meister started on his electric scooter to go back. Around Secunderabad, a policeman flagged him down - reason breathalyzer.

Yes people, the Meister got his 1st breathalyzer test thingy done. wuhoooo

Naturally, to the intense disappointment of the policeman, it came out zero. However, the eyes of said policeman was a sight to behold, especially when the Meister took off his helmet.

Anyway, after that stimulating sojourn, Meister went to University, and to his intense humour, found it plunjed in darkness. He heard that it had been like that almost the whole day - although the construction site and the shanties had power...go figure.

As there was no power, alas there was no coffee. So, Meister went to the tea shop. He found tea. He also found assorted idiots, assorted dogs (including everybody's favourite stupid bastard Jimbo), and assorted foocking mosquitoes. And he also learnt that there is something in this world called pubic hair straightener, and that it is a perfectly acceptable birthday gift.

Oh, before the Meister forgets, there was also a

fffiiiggghhhhttttttttttttt

Well, the world's most depressing fight, but a fight nonetheless. A couple of East Asian dudes got drunk and slapped some Indian muppet. So, to take revenge, assorted heroes went to their apartment with the intention of beating them up. Unfortunately, their mission was foiled. 2 reasons

1. they got stopped by a female of sumo wrestleresque proportions who flatly refused their plea to enter
2. they found out that the winsome twosome had in fact beaten each other up in a drunken stupor

And oh, how can the Meister finish a post without mentioning what happened early next day.
Succintly put, Meister beyomped his head rather badly. Its the same as bumping your head, but done with style.

Meister had headache all day.

Luj Characters

2010-02-08T13:32:00.003+05:30

Meister usually doesn't write this kind of posts, but damn he got depressed (ok ok there's nothing new in that). Ok so does write this kind of posts. Damn.

History has proven, over and over and over, that when it comes to wars and battles and martial glory, we are just not good enough. True, we have won the odd battles, but when it comes to wars we have always lost. The only time we won wars were when we fought ourselves (Ramayana and Mahabharata and Pakistan 1947-)

Whenever we had to fight foreigners, we had been as awful and useless as Suresh Raina on a bouncy wicket, or the Meister at sex, or rather the Meister at anything relating to women. Frankly disgusting and embarassing. Meister means his sex life of course, not our martial endeavours. At least we fought and lost, the Meister was disqualified from sex even before he started.

Anyway all this profound cogitation is a result of a television programme.

There's this new show on tv called Deadliest Warriors. It comes on History Channel. Meister is loving it. The concept is that they will pit 2 of history's greatest warriora against each other in every episode to check who would have emerged victorious. The episodes in the 1st season featured the following...the ones in bold came out as winners.

Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Spartan vs Ninja
Pirate vs Knight
Yakuza vs Mafia
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
William Wallace vs ShakaZulu
IRA vs Taliban

For more info visit
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deadliest_Warrior
http://www.spike.com/show/31082/

Whose big idea was to put a pirate against a knight? Dumbass. The pirate had flintlock and blunderbuss, the knight had a sword. No contest. Also no contest was that Shaolin Monk v the Maori. Come on guys kung fu v wooden clubs etc. Be serious.

The top 2 were kickass contests though. However, the most lopsided contest wasn't any of the abovementioned but involved the Spartan. He kicked the everloving crap out of the ninja. man, the Spartans were good.
The Meister also liked the Talibans getting blown to smithcreens by the IRA and the Green Berets losing to those Russian fellows.

Now, what bugs and depresses the Meister is that there's no Indian warrior anywhere near the horizon. We have no martial race or style to speak of at all. We always lose our wars.

Starting from Porus (who in his infinite wisdom brought elephants to a battle on the river bank.....muppet) and going to Prithviraj Chauhan (who was allegedly dallying with his wife when his kingdom was attacked.....idiot)...not to forget the Rajputs and the Sikhs (who despite being brave, no doubt about that, always always manged to lose to the Muslim invaders)...and the Marathas (who thought using cavalry and artillery in a battle is enough, infantry is so overrated etc etc...and subsequently got a proper bollocking from Wellesley's army [Battle of Assay])...and finally to the Bong rulers (Laxman Sen to be precise).....who ran away from his capital upon seeing 16 men on horseback - who btw were on a purely recon mission.

Seriously, can you see any Indian group, throughout our history, fighting and beating the Spartans or the Mongols or the Romans?

Meister neither.

Even the Indian army lost when they tried to fight the comrades from the east.

They did and still does regularly spank those idiots from the west but that do not count as
a. they are a bunch of idiots
b. irrespective of what anyone says they are absolutely the same as us in every possible way......only stupider

So all this brings the Meister to the conclusion that we are not meant for fighting, we are not warriors.

We are a nation of philosophers, and poets, and lovers.

Or in other words,

We are a nation of luj characters.

A Huge Dick is in Town

2010-02-05T13:10:00.011+05:30

Meister isn't talking about Abhey Maurya btw.

He is rather talking about a massive dick which they have erected at the Parade Grounds in Secunderabad. Its supposed to be symbolic of Shiva's penis. If Shiva really had that big a penis, no wonder Paravati stayed with him all that time despite the addiction and the violence. Women, Meister yells you, are all nutters, even the ones of goddy disposition.

Speaking of gods brings the Meister to dogs, and to the Literary Doglover.

Literary Doglover has declared that she does not like watching bird porn. She just makes the videos....aesthetically of course.

Talking of literary stuff, brings the Meister to the Uber.

Don Uber has had an epiphanic revelation of astronomic proportions. It happened a few night ago. Meister was in the Don's room. The Sadistic Jatobsessor was also there. They were all chatting and talking. And then Jatobsessor showed some sadistic clips of a male baby getting torturred and mutilated (in cartoon of course). Don became very agitated on seeeing said clips and in her exuberance she decided to beat up the Meister. So from her chair she decided to fly at the Meister, and unfortunately (extremely fortunately for the Meister) fell off her chair.

As a result of all that activity, she went into a profound cogitative mood and has the aforemention epephanic revelation. She finally realised that both of the Jatobsessor's folks are her parents!!!!

What are the odds eh!!!!

Anyway,

In other news, some silly sick bastard has torn one of Meister's underwear, and a new one also. If the Meister ever finds out who committed this heinous atrocity, he will.....he will....he will catch hold of said person and will put him/her in the same room with Ayush and Tasneem and then lock the door and throw away the key.

Talking of Tasneem, Tasneem was recently seen smoking near Sagar's store.

Not only that, she was heard making allegedly disparaging remarks about a certain professor of EFLU, who always goes around in traditional white clothes. The problem was that the said professor was walking behind her (about 2-3 metres) at the moment of utterance. When she realised the gravity of the situation, she was worried, extremely worried. She didn't know what would happen. She was asking around "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?"

The Meister adviced her to shave off her eyebrows.

p.s. The Meister recently decided that he would delve into the worlds of fiction. He created a plot and wrote a page. It turned out to be so god awful and gut wrentchingy bad, that the Meister fell asleep reading his own stuff. He was thinking of whether to continue when a gorilla came up, bashed the Meister on his head with a spanner and quoth: Nevermore.

That last part might have been a dream though.

EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW - on more levels than one

2010-01-29T13:17:00.010+05:30

The last fortnight in the Meister's life has been pretty damn incredible. So many things happened.

The least of it is that the Meister has become the proud possessor of a geriatric back.

How you ask?

Well ........

It is a result of a thrashing that the Meister got in the hands of a certain someone when Meister called her a bourgeois.......which proves that the oppression of the proletariat class continues.

Meister was forced to walk for 2 hours..while wearing wrong shoes

Meister had to run after (ok that's stretching it a lot) waddle after dogs all day for a day

(only 1 of the above is in the realms of fiction, the others aren't, you be the judge)

Meister walked for 2 hours. Meister's back decided enough is enough and decided to shut down the workshop. Result - incredible pain. (on the bonus side - painkillers...yeaaahhh)

In addition to this,

last Monday, he had to walk around all day keeping track of the dogs getting vaccinated. Yes, it was the annual Sitafalmandi Dog Camp organised by Blue Cross in colab with the Sandman. This year was a success - 138 dogs, 5 cats, 2 black sheep, 1 goat and 1 rooster got vaccinated on that day.

And the Meister was there, waddling and limping around like a geriatric suffering from both rheumatism and hydrocil at the same time.

Meister has no idea whether he was of any help whatsoever in the day's proceedeings. He thinks he wasn't. But at least he was there.

And because he was there, he got peed on his face by a dog.

Ok people, come on, you can do it, take a deep breath and say out loud -

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

Stupid dog

As you can probably make out, the Sandman had come and was here for a week. They spent some qulity time together (despite 213 questions during The Dark Knight...typical samples include Is Harvey Dent Batman? Is Joker the villain? How did Gordon come back to life? He was dead wasn't he?)

Anyway as a gift Sandman brought a Chelsea calendar. Unfortunately Meister had already bought that a month back. On his part, Meister had bought a book on Arsenal as a gift to Sandman. As it turned out, Sandman already had that book.

Aaahhh Meister's life. Everyday is an adventure.

And then the Sandman (unintentionally of course) destroyed, annihilated etc the Meisterplan.

For those not in the loop, the Meisterplan involved retiring at age 45 and going and working with the animal shelter to be built by the Sandman. Unfortunately, he is not building a shelter per se.

So, ambitions, hopes, plans for the future etc all dashed. If it had happened to anyone else it would have been quite sad. As this is the Meister here, its not sad. Instead its a clear case of

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

So its time to review, revamp, rethink and redraw the Meisterplan. The age limit still stands though.

In other news, the Sandman also somehow managed to massacre the charger of Meister's electric scooter. It involed him driving away to glory while the charger wire was still plugged in and after the ensuing snap, etc, putting in the wrong wires at the wrong sockets.

Finally,

in other news, the Sadistic Jatobsessor got highly enthu about the existence of kittens and with vim, vigour, determination and etc, she decided to adopt one. She did. The next issue was naming it. All of the Meister's suggestions - Linkovitch Chamosky, Medulla Oblongata, Merryaduck Brandebuck etc were rejected.

Finally, after much deliberation and negotiation, it was decided that henceforth the kitten shall be called

EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW

Oh, one more thing

Meister has realised that he cannot depend on other people to help him in fulfilling his dreams. Nobody can actually. So its all upto him and his stomach now. Meister has decided that the only thing which he realistically can do is becoming the fattest man alive. That is Meister's new dream.

One mooooooorrrrr thing

Hearing about Meister's condition, SS bought him a hot water bottle (how nice of her). Meister used it. The pain in the relevant area lessened quite a bit.

Now his upper back and shoulder blades are hurting.

Short Shower of Shit

2010-01-18T14:10:00.004+05:30

Well, the Meister went to see his friends, Romans, countrymen and kindred spirits. Or in other words, he went to the zoo.

He wasn't alone - Don "Uber Antel" Violent was there, as was the Literary Dog Lover and Tasneem. They had all booked a car for the day and onwards they went. Nothing special happened in the journey. However, Meister got to know of 2 things

He got a dinner invitation from Heavyweight Bonglover

He came to know of the heinous and nefarious plan hatched by the Great Indian Chunkubaaz (the plotter), The Hustler formerly known as Boobs (the instigator) and Don Violent (the executioner) to throw the Meister into the crocodile pond.

It took all of Meister's persuasive and argumentative powers to convince them, or rather Don Violent, that throwing Meister into the crocodile pond is not a good idea. Not for any considerations for the Meister mind - it is already an established fact that he is a big ass waste of space and as such killing him will be considered as social service - but for considerations for the crocodiles. Meister falling on 1 of them would definitely harm the said creature. Plus eating Meister will definitely make them fall sick. So overall, it would definitely be considered as cruelty to crocodiles.

Anyway, apart from that terrifying life threatening event, the Meister more or less enjoyed the trip. He liked his ancestors (the future rulers of the planet btw), they all showed Tasneem their arse, so that was fun. He also liked the fact that the chimp politely asked them to sod off.

He had an awesome time beside the hippo enclosure also...not least because Tasneem, true to form, abused a hippo, who, hearing the comment, just turned around, showed its significant sized ass to Tasneem, raised its tail and crapped and vigorously moved the tail resulting in a short shower of shit.

But thats not all, the main surprise of the day came when they were looking at the birds.

Literary Doglover professed and confessed that she watches bird porn.

Yes, bird porn..as in two birds doing the stuff...she even films them.

They are Still at It

2010-01-12T14:22:00.003+05:30

Well, he has done it. He has finally done it. The Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion has gone and cut his hand.

How you ask?

Ok, the Meister will tell you. One of the Nutters' neighbours has a coconut tree. So said neighbour had a stock clearance kinda thing, he got all the coconuts down, and distributed them in the neighbourhood. So, naturally, Esteemed Nutter went and bugged him for free coconuts. After extreme bugging, he came back with 4 coconuts.

So far so good?

Esteemed Nutterthen decided to cut/peel the coconuts. So he got out the sickle kinda thingy, which is older than the Meister btw, lifted it up and smartly and with much vim and vigour ninja chopped it down on his finger.

Cue - in the words of Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion - gallons of blood.

Anyway, this gave her a perfect opportunity to have fun- she kept on scaring Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion about titanus and gangrene and amputation etc etc. After constant predictions of doom and gloom, Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion finally went and got the wound cleaned and dressed etc etc.

Suffice to say that he wasn't happy. In fact, he was waiting for an opportunity for revenge so to speak; an opportunity which he got a couple of days later when he went to his college.

Well, seeing him going around with a big ass bandage, his colleagues naturally asked him whats the matter. Here's how the scene went.....

Assorted Colleagues: What happened?
ENPP: You won't belive it
AC: No, seriously, what happened? Did you cut your finger? How?
ENPP: If I tell the truth, you won't belive me. You will say that I am joking around.
AC: Nono, why wouldn't we belive you? We will, we will, please tell us.
ENPP: Ok, here goes. You remember the weather last weekend?
AC: Yeah, it was very cold
ENPP: Exactly, so I asked my wife to make me some pithas
AC: Yeah, so?
ENPP: So, she refused saying she is too old and tired to do such stuff anymore.
AC: Ok.....
ENPP: So, I told her that she should get me married to a much younger woman who will cook what I want. Hearing that she went apeship and attacked me with a knife. I cut myself while trying to save my life.

Pin drop silence in college staff room

Anyway, ever since the youngsters have been looking at Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion with fear in their eyes, and the oldies and friends have been asking her in staff room, college corridors etc: "Dude, what really happened? Is it the truth? Did you really attack him?" etc etc.

Well, they have been doing this for more than 35 years now and are pretty expert at it. So with joy de vivre et all, they suddenly decided to go to Sunderbans (Meister's brief visit to the zoo - details in the next blog - might have given them the inspiration). So they went, ate crabs, bugged the crap out of numerous wild fowls and birds, deers, boars and alligators (the tigers had run away upon hearing of their impending arrival) and generally spent 2 wonderful days (idyllic existence only shattered by Meister's phone call and deeply philosophical question about why Bongs get gas)

Nutters' Day Out

2010-01-01T20:17:00.007+05:30

The Nutters went out.

Well, tbh, they usually go out quite a lot, and they have been going out for about 35 years now. They started off way back in a different millennium altogether by going out - possibly by doing that ancient and noble tradition of bunking college. In those bygone days, they allegedly (Meister wasn't around those days, so ain't sure what actually used to happen) used to go and sit on the banks of the river Hooghly, coo silly lovey dovey stuff into each other's ears and eat nuts. But lately, their outings have been either homework related or for their "shrutinatok". This time it was for a different purpose altogether.

Meister had bought them tickets to 3D Avatar. So, they went to see 3D Avatar.

And once they reached the theatre, they completely astonished, astounded, flabbergasted and gobsmacked the Meister by buying one of those big buckets of popcorn!!!!!

After finishing the movie, they decided to window shop. So they started walking all over the mall and saw their niece, Meister's cousin (the nutter who is upholding the family traditions by doing a Phd in Physiology and going around with a probable future significant other) walking around with her boyfriend.

A normal person might have just walked away to spare the poor girl the embarassment. However, being parents of the Meister's parents, normalcy is not a word you can easily associate with the Nutters. Hence, with every possible sign of enjoyment they descended on the poor kids. As a result, the niece got embarassed and scared that the Nutters will tell her parents; the dude accompanying her just got scared and tried to hide. Well, the Nutters being vehement and hardcore supporters of love marriages et all, they soon reassured the kids that they are not going to tell the parents. So like a herd of water buffaloes leaving the field after a particularly heavy lunch in its path of destruction, they left, leaving the 2 kids exhausted and limp with relief.

Now, the Estemmed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion was extremely happy upon seeing the 2 kids - not because of any pure motives but because apparently the guy is ugly. Meister knows what you are thinking - you are thinking wtf!!! Well, the story goes that apparently Meister's aunt is a bit of a snob when it comes to looks (no idea why, she is no Monica Belluci, forget that, she isn't even a Rosie o'Donell). She apparently comments a lot during weddings et all about other people's looks. So, Esteemed Nutter is happy that now the aunt's own prospective son-in-law has turned out to be ugly as well. Something about pot kettle etc.

What is ironic is that in her youthful exuberance, the Esteemed Nutter quite clearly forgot about the looks of her own son. Meister is easily one of the ugliest persons in history. For all those who have not seen the meister, imagine a mixture of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Gerald Butler. Now picturise the exact anithesis of that lot. That's the Meister.

If there ever was a competition for the world's ugliest creature, Meister would in all probablity finish 4th (being a hardcore, certifiable loser, he will naturally not finish in the top 3) behind the Orcs of Mordor/Isengrad, this creature - http://www.goth-panda.co.uk/2007/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/ugliest-dog3.jpg, and Wayne Rooney.

At least the bf of the cousin, despite being ugly, have managed to get himself a girlfriend (though he is to be pitied really, he knows not which family he is attaching himself to). Forget reality or fantasy, girls don't want to mate with the Meister even in their slips of tongue.

Poor Meister, he will die a virgin.

Anyway, the Nutters then decided that they needed sustenance. So what do they do. They decidd to board a private bus (despite having a car btw) and go to a restaurant about 8 - 10 kms away. There they had Chicken Biriyani, Chicken Tandoori and Chicken Bhortha (no clue what that is).

Then they decided that they are tired with all the exertions, so they went home.

Interesting Times

2009-12-24T14:54:00.004+05:30

It all started with a puncture. On Saturday morning, Meister had just started for work, when he realised that his rear tire has gone bananas. So he had to keep the Activa back and then walk to the autostand. On reaching the autostand, he was about to get into an auto when he heard some dudes calling him. Upon further investigation, it turned out to be a couple of guys in a car offering to give him a lift. Upon further investigation, it turned out that the Meister knew one of the guys - he is a local autowallah.

So, Meister boarded the car, and to his astonishment found out that it belongs to an MLA. Apparently the driver of the car and the autowallah are good friends and they were going to Begumpet. So, knowing where Meister works, they offered the Meister a lift. Meister, who being a cheapass, never says no to free stuff and thus he came to office in an AC car of an MLA. The minus part was that he had to listen to hindi film songs.

So he went to office, where he found out that there was to be free lunch as a farewell to a dude. What's more, someone mistakenly ordered non-veg food. (The Muppet acting as CEO usually only orders only veg food for office events) And what's even more, there was more food than what people could eat, so Meister got to bring free food home.

And once he reached home, he found out that Liverpool has been thrashed by Portsmouth. And as if that was not enough, later the same night, the Fulham boys thrashed and massacred and pillaged and plundered the foocking Manures. Great day eh?

But you know what, that's still not all.

Sunday, was Midas's birthday. So in the morning, Meister went to the bday party. On the way. he went to Landmark to buy gifts, and lo and behold (and other types of weird expressions which do not make any sense), he found a Chelsea calendar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best Christmas present ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also bought a Stephen Clarke book, a book about Thugees and a book about Attila the Hun. And then he went to the party. And there was cake :-) :-) :-)

After cake cutting et all, everyone went out for lunch and again there was leftovers, so Meister got them as well.

You know what all that means???

It means Meister had loads of food at home.

So what did he do?

He invited his friends over for a night of food and games.

And so Don Violent and Sexy Anutie and MahaBOOB and OCD Man and Resident Bugger all came and they had good food and they played games (where Don Violent tried to cheat at Grand Prix but failed owing to the keen eyes of the Meister and his 100% success rate in that game.)

So you see, it was an uber interesting weekend wasn't it?

And the week was too.

For now, here's only 2 snippets from the week.

On Tuesday, Meister, being a bit of a Muppet, tried to heat his food in a plastic bowl on his electric heater, thereby successfully managing to burn the plastic bowl and conk out the electric heater. (In his defence, how was he to know that a bowl marked Microwave etc is not going to work on a heater??)

On Wednesday, after office, he went with his colleagues to a mess, which serves some really tasty food. What's more, someone else paid for the food. And once he came back home, he got invitation from Sexy Auntie and Don Violent to come over to PerennialyinjuredthungOvung's place where there was, among other things, lots of cake!!!! :-)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2009-12-22T14:17:00.008+05:30

Its one of them deep philosophical questions that have mystified people throughout the ages (and have also given them philosophical types something to do during the long winter nights). There is probably no clear and simple answer or solution to this conundrum (more or less on the same way that there are no clear answers to the questions -

Was there Atlantis?

Who built Stonehenge?

What is the purpose behind the existence of houseflies and Ayush Prasad?

Now you all know that Meister is not one of them philosophical types (you know the ones who talk about issues and use words like hegemony, imperialistic, parochial etc etc). Meister, being a man of the world, is more concerned about why the chicken actually crossed the road.

It all happened Saturday morning. Meister was going to office. He has just crossed the Sitafalmandi flyover, when it happened - the chicken crossed the road. The Meister was stuck on one lane of the road, a jeep/Bolero/Sumo was on the other lane. The chicken which was patiently standing on one side of the road suddenly decided to cross to the other side.....and its been bugging the Meister ever since...why did she do it?

Was it to go home?

Was it to escape from a patriarchal system dominated by some hegemonistic cock?

And they call the Meister a Chauvinist Mysoginist!!!!

2009-12-16T22:02:00.003+05:30

Well, everyone knows that the Meister is a pretty laid back dude. Nothing really disturbs him (apart from Tasneem and cultural studies students hell bent on talking about "issues"). He certainly never gets disturbed about movies. He watches everything.......from Woody Allen to Michael Bay...well not really, he doesn't watch movies with deep philosophical insights which talk about important issues and which are made by Slovenian directors (with names like Polish goalkeepers) and which are favoured by certain "uber antels".

Some reasons the Meister does not see such stuff are that:

He is certain that being a plebian (despite dictionary.com's insistence of attaching an extra e in the proceedings, Meister is sticking to this spelling) proletariat, he won't understand a single word/scene/issue/deep philosophical insight and the whole movie will go 25 feet over his head like a Bobby Zamora shot or a post-apocalyptic poem involving one armed men, hungry dogs, grass which grows in the dark and lava; at which point all them hoity-toity intellectuals will turn up their noses, look down upon him and start using words like hegemony (Meister always thought that the word meant earning money by designing hedges); at which point of time the Meister's foot will move of its own accord towards the posterial regions of said intellectuals

As a disciple/acolyte/worshiper of the Invisible Flying Purple Spaghetti Monster, its against his religion to watch such movies. That and eating/drinking coconut oil

Now the Meister was recently taken to a movie called New Moon. Meister knows what you are thinking - you are thinking: Why Meister Why??? Well the reason was that it was a revenge by MS for The Hangover. As she put it like that, Meister really could not refuse (as he has a soft spot for the Code proposed by that fella Hammurabi). So he went.

And he got disturbed, really disturbed.

Its not really the fact that its a bad film. Guus knows Meister has seen enough bad, cringeworthy films in his life (bloody Moulin Rouge comes to mind). But this movie was in a separate stratosphere of badness of its own. The film in itself was mediocre and lame - what got the Meister pissed off was the story.

To get to the bottomline, its a story about a girl who wants to change everything about her (and in the end changes everything) for the love of a boy. It doesn't matter if said boy is a menace/danger to other human beings.

So what do we have as the morals of the story?

1. Girls, if you really love a guy, then go ahead change yourself. Its no biggie if you have to go under the knife and get some plastic surgeries done, its all for a good cause, you have to get the guy don't you? Also, running away from home is perfectly acceptable.

2. Its perfectly ok to commit suicide.

3. Girls - the word independence does not apply to you. You always always must depend on a guy for help, for support, to get you out of trouble etc etc etc.

4. Nice guys always always always finish last.

Stories based on these lovely morals have now become a worldwide hit. What is pathetic really is the fact that apparently sane, educated, adult, independent women who would go apeshit on your ass if you say the same things that these stories are teaching are going gaga over this series. This is actually sickening and the worst form of hypocrisy.

Meister doesn't care what other people like. But whoever likes this series are hereby disqualified from ever uttering the words "male chauvinist" and "sexist" ever again.

Meister has lost all respect for women who actually like this stuff.

To Do

2009-12-16T01:45:00.005+05:30

There's this football lingo thingy around. It starts with "To do". It describes some specific actions some specific guy is famous for. For example: "To do a Zamora" means hitting the ball 20 feet above the goal post. So, taking that "to do" thing and putting it to people whom the Meister knows, this is what is there.

To do a Satarupa - add family as friends on facebook / reject vehemently the theory that she is indeed an intellectual / try and find any molecule of intellectuality/deep philosophical insights in Meister's blog posts

To do a Sandy - obsess about LFCs / smoke / destroy the hopes, dreams, aspirations of Champs League finalists

To do a Mithila - disagree with just about everything fat, bald, bearded people say / disappear for months / not pick up phones

To do a Premankur - take your foot and put in into your mouth - repeat ad infinitum / lose all your important stuff on the very 1st day in a new place / eat only soup

To do a Runa - get drunk and start singing old Hindi songs / cheat at Monopoly and other indoor board games

To do a Mythili - get thoroughly drunk/high and then go around claiming to be the only sober person around / take only 1 hour and 55 minutes to get prepared to go out

To do a Mhadeno - get spooked/scared crapless by cartoon ghosts / get high on cranberry juice

To do a Benny - get scandalised about each and every thing on this planet / change football teams every 2 months

To do a Koel - fall off every available surface/place known to man / flirt with bartenders while drunk (allegedly)....also see Jonathan

To do a Jonathan - compete with Jimbo to see who is lazier / flirt with/hug/kiss/dance/get thoroughly excited in the presence of - gay men (despite being straight {allegedly})

To do an Oren - use quilts during summer / go absent after inviting people over / have the most pathetic excuse for a beard...ever

To do an Ipshita - think continuously about something someone said for 8 days and get thoroughly depressed / change mind every fortnight / buy furniture

To do an Avijit - keep having accidents / caary on, just keep having accidents

To do a Krishnayan - buy things from the net / play every free team selecting game known to man

To do a Pallavi - dream about getting married for just about every minute of your life / cheat at Name Place Animal Things

To do a Shahir - lose your way / be RHMs of CEOs

To do a Shailaja - be freakishly enthusiastic about everything / keep calling 1 friend with another friend's name / yawn when a particular friend calls

To do a Minakshi - work everyday of the week / walk out from cinema halls / love the most anti-feminist/sexist/chauvinistic piece of literature written in the last 150 years

To do a Souro - have OCD / write poems to Sirisha / try flirting with pork as subject matter / like, dream, obsess, have a fetish about - trains

To do an Ananya - don't talk to guys / dance at 3 AM

To do an Ayush - burn your balls - figuratively, metaphorically, literally / lose all self-respect or dignity

To do a Tasneem - become a correspondent for every gossip-mongering tabloid journal of this planet / to bitch about anything and everything / backstab

ohh how could the Meister forget

To do a Prashanti - be a selfish, egomaniacal, narcissistic, pampered, spolit slave owner/slave driver

The Eternal Conundrum

2009-12-12T16:13:00.004+05:30

or the Horns of a Dilemna if you will

And this is one thing that women never have to face and never will understand

Here's the thing - jockeys or boxers???

This is not about the sportsmen but rather about underwear or more specifically which type of underwear to use. Both have their pros, both have their cons.

With the boxers the problem is that the carrot and onions are never where they are supposed to be, they keep moving this way and that, the advantage being that there's not much pressure.

With the jockeys, everything stays where they are supposed to be like a well disciplined regiment. However, sometimes there is too much pressure on the family jewels (or in the Meister's case the useless pieces of family trinkets of only sentimental value)

In summer its not that big a deal coz well you can always go commando, but in winter, if the weather's chilly, then you need all the protection you can get otherwise the doodahs shrivel up like a frightened tortoise in the middle of a pack of eagles. So, you need to wear something but what to wear - that is the question

Why?

2009-12-11T15:01:00.000+05:30

The Meister, having finished his office work after working like a dhobi's gadha continuously for 2 months (due to muppety colleagues, idiotic bosses, moronic clients and the Great Indian Chunkubaaz), had a free day on Tuesday. Well, it was courtesy the Potato, as when the office had called, he had picked up the phone and had told office to foock off and leave them alone for a day.
So, with a free day in hand and noone to talk to apart from the Potato, the Meister soon got bored and started thinking.

An idle mind is Lord Fergie's workshop etc etc.

Well, he thought a lot of football, which he is pretty sure none of the readers want to read about. He also thought of women, which he is sure all the readers are interested about. More specifically, he thought of 2 aspects of women.

Aspect 1- Make up

The Meister had had the misfortune of editing a course on women's makeup recently. It can safely be said that it was the weirdest piece of literature the Meister had ever read. And the most boring (keeping in mind the fact that he has just finished editing a Statistics book). Having only seen the Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion (who as you can realise from the name is a nutter) put on makeup, the Meister was of the idea that its an idiosyncratic thingy. But now after reading about this, and after exposures to Sexy Auntie (food waster) and Lady Frustratedalot (cowdung wearer), he has come to the conclusion that all women are nutters.

Women put on chemicals on their face and body and then they put on more chemicals to remove these chemicals - all of which begs the question why put on the 1st batch of chemicals in the 1st foocking place anyway????

They actually go and pay people to massacre their eyebrows!!! What d foock is up with that!!!!!

They also put boiling hot wax on their legs to remove hair!!! Well, apparently, its not only on their legs, they also go for something called bikini wax. shudder!! horror!!! nightmare!!!!! And what's worse, some luj charcters and disgraces to the XY chromosome also go for that. These are the same luj charcters who probably shave of their chest hair and paint their eyebrows and pu on makeup. All these guys should have one side of a rope tied around their bollocks and the other side of the rope tied to an F1 car, and then the car should go around a circuit for a couple of laps. Metro-foocking-sexuals.

Hot wax on any part of the body is bad enough but the very thought of hot wax near the bollockal region makes the Meister break out in sweats.....this looks like something dreamt up by that Marquis de Sade fella.

Aspect 2 - Ayush Prasad

Now there are many unsolved mysteries in the world - you know like the presence of Nessie, the Loch Ness creature, who built Stonehenge, whether Lord fergie is really the son of the devil, the significance of the letter S in Jughead's shirt etc. Another 1 to add to the list is why women like Ayush Prasad. This is a man (and that's a term loosely used in this case) who has no dignity, no self-respect and no shame. And yet, the ladies like him.

Why? Why? Why? What is the source of attraction?? What is it that gets him all the loving and liking from the ladies while on the other hand the Meister gets saddled with complaints, accusations, snappings and recriminations????

Why?

To the Ladies in my Life

2009-12-10T12:31:00.002+05:30

Sorry for taking up your time. Won't take more in the future, this is just a short message.

It seems to me that at some point or the other in 2009 I have pissed off, angered, disappointed, disgusted, disgruntled, scandalised etc almost every woman that I know and regularly interact with. Quite a record eh? Quite a lot of these things happened due to my blog or because of comments that I have made on facebook or while chatting.

Now I know I am not politically correct, but whatever I say or write, I do that in jest. I thought that anyone who even remotely knows me knows that. Clearly I was wrong.

I have tried to never ever deliberately hurt anyone (well though my mother and Mithila would probably disagree....and believe me when I say that I am sorry for all that I have done; they may have forgiven me or forgotten about them but I haven't and never will).

Anyway the point here is that if I have inadvertently offended or hurt anyone, then I apologise. However, I am not going to change my style or my humour for anyone. So there are 2 courses of action from this point onwards that I have decided on.

As of today morning, I have stopped commenting on your posts or statuses on facebook. As far as the blog thing goes, I am deleting you from the mailing list since I do not want you to feel that I am forcing you to read my trash. I will keep on writing the same kind of stuff though. If you want come to the blog and read, if you don't want to read then everything's still hunky dory.

This year has brought me the news of what is wrong with me and I have realised that my life is "literally" too short to go around saying sorry you know. Not only am I tired of saying sorry all the time, I am also just tired of life. The only reason I haven't committed suicide so far (and believe me the temptations have been strong and frequent) is because that would kill my parents and so I am waiting for them to die before I do.

In the meantime, I will live each day as it comes, I will try to enjoy football and food and books etc. And I will write because it makes me smile.

I wish you all a happy life and all the best with all your endeavours.

Bishwaksen Bandyopadhyay

The Curious Case of the Meister in the Night Time

2009-11-30T00:02:00.004+05:30

That paragon of dumbassness and resident of loserville was invited to a party. It was at a place called Treasure Island. Now the Meister had no clue whats going on. He saw an ad in facebook that there will be free drinks, so he was curious. Lo and behold he got calls from people asking him to come down for the party - including Don Violent who called him a boring old sourpuss and the bog monster Sir Paunchsalot (he had some ulterior motives, but it will be divulged later). initially the Meister was sceptical but after repeated discussions and subtle emo blackmail he decided to go. There was a promise of a striptease dance, but alas that never came.

An Innova was hired and at 7.30 the pickups started. The 1st ones in were Boggy and Don Violent followed by Meister. Then it was the Vowel Girl and then Gameboy. Finally it was the turn of Sexy Auntie, Mr. Pencil and Pauncho's gay partner AJ. These 3 were smoking hukkah in deli 9 and when the time came to pay the bill started paying in 50p coins (there's no other earthly reason why it took them so long to pay a bill). Well, with so many people in the mix, there was some readjustments in the seating arrangements - Pauncho went to the back where rumour has it that he started touching himself.

Anyway, after a refreshment stop at City Centre (where btw the Meister completely confounded onlookers by walking around with different beauties - one of the few times people felt envious of the Meister wuhooo), they all piled into the car and started the journey.

It was a pretty cool and enjoyable journey. The only noteworthy thing which happened was that Don Violent and the Meister both managed to see the shop with the best name in the history of shops , nay in the history of history - Mahaboob Communications. When Meister told it to the Potato, the Potato laughed for 6 straight minutes and then strated cursing, the reson being that now he wouldn't be able to look at Jellio without laughing if anyone calls her by her short name.

So finally they reached the place. A lame ass place by the way. They all took shelter in a hut kinda thing and went in search of the promised drinks. The Meister who was eagerly looking forward to free whisky found to his chagrin that there's only white rum :-(. Still, free drinks are good drinks. So they were drinking.

And then the cacophony started.

And all started dancing.

And soon Meister was the only one sitting in the hut, nursing a sore head - not because of the drinks but because he had banged his head against the roof (the mark is still visible).

And this continued for hours and hours and then at around 1.30, the gay mafia arrived. Don Violent and Mr. Pencil went to get them in. However, they wer absent for close to 45 minutes -(there is an unsubstantiated rumour going on that they forgot all about the gay boys and made out, but hey who knows)

Poor Meister, in the meantime got pissed off, tired, got a headache and finally had enough. He walked off to the parking lot and started chatting with the driver. He did not, however, forget to flick a couple of glasses before he left. He had a nice little chat with the driver.

The others all stumbled in after a couple of hours. The return journey started and they promptly lost their way and ended up in the middle of lake.

Anyway, after many small misadventures, (Pauncho opening someone else's car by mistake, dropping his inhaler, the ndropping his phone) all of them reached home safely. The funniest thing however, was Sexy Auntie claiming that she and Meiter were the only 2 ones not drunk - this despite the fact that she was almost shozzled.

Now for the chronicles of the gay hermaphrodite Sir Pauncho.

As stated earlier, he started off by touching himself. Once he got a little bit drunk, he started flirting with a bouncer. Also, once when he went ot the loo, he came back with a big smile on his face claiming that he had just made out with a guy. And he was ecstatic when the gay mafia finally arrived and he went and danced wih all of them. Well, as far as the Meister knows, he only danced, however, he was missing for about 15- 20 minutes when it was time to leave. Also, he was pretty out of breath on the return journey...hmmm.....

Few things the Potato learnt (got reaffirmed with) last week

2009-11-27T08:14:00.005+05:30

1. Wimmin are nutters

Exhibit A: Sexy Auntie

Put on some weird concoction on her face. Rumour has it that its oatmeal. Now, why someone would put oatmeal on their face, instead of baking it into a cookie and giving it to the Potato is frankly mysterious and ludicrous. There should be a law against that. It was apparently as preparations for a jazz concert. It took her only 1 hour and 55 minutes to get ready to go out. 1 hour and 55 bloody minutes!!!! Its even more than the average extra injury time that the damn Manures get every match over at the Theatre of Screams.

Also, she has around 26 pairs of shoes.

Exhibit B: Jellio

Went to see an animated film - Christmas Carol by that depressed Victorian fella - and promptly got scared crapless by the ghosts in the movie. Rumour has it that she was so scared that she was shaking like a bamboo in a tornado. Apart from her ability to get scared by cartoon ghosts, she also has the quality of massacring perfectly good vodka by adding such silly stuff as lime (tons of it) and cranberry foocking juice. Apart from all this, despie being a Naga, she puts coconut oil in food.

Exhibit C: Don Violent

Obsessed with cummin seeds

Exhibit D - Ayush Prasad

OK, technically, he ain't a wimmin, but since he ain't a man either, he can be used as an exhibit. Its not exactly him who is the exhibit though, its the fact that all girls (at least the weirdos of Ciefl) seem to really like him.

Why women like Ayush is one of them eternal mystery thingies - at par with why Stonehenge was built, Atlantis, Nessi, Mary Celeste, Bermuda Triangle etc.

2. There is a French dude going around in CIEFL/EFLU called Hippo.

3. Coconut oil is a crime against humanity/menace to society.

Potato has a theory of why Mallus use that stuff

a. It is multipurpose. What the Mallus do is that they take that stuff and pour it over their heads while keeping their mouth open - they use it for different parts as it moves, drips downwards - thereby using the same stuff as hair oil, make up oil, body oil and food and drink.

b. The Mallus knew that the only way to save themselves from foreign invaders was to use coconut oil. Not a single race/group of invaders have ever managed to live in MalluLand as they could not bear the

smell (oh the horror)
the taste

All the invaders/foreigners either died or ran away.

4. Jimmy Mistry has the worst Hindi accent in the history of Hindustan. Ronald Emmerich has no clue about how Indians speak English.

5. Wearing trousers sucks

Meister has now lost his cell phone and recently his keys, all while wearing trousers. Its those big ass pockets. Stuff keeps falling out. There must be a conspiracy somewhere.

6. What goeth around cometh around

Well it does not do that for the Meister. In his case, what goeth around, keeps on going all the while waving its hands in air while shouting "tata", "see u in hell" or "foock off baldy". But in the case of the Irish, it certainly does. The Potato's whiskey drinking, golf playing, skirt wearing Scottish friend Hamish McSpud is of the opinion that because the Irish defeated Georgia through a handball, they in turn lost because of a handball. Something about karma being a bitch and revenge being a dish best served with potatoes.

Potato's Day Out

2009-11-16T22:57:00.003+05:30

The Potato recently went on a day's outing with SS - to Purani Haveli and Chowmahallah Palace. Yes, the same SS who does not remember the Meister's name (although the term she uses is a sure indicator of one of them slips as propounded by that Swiss fella), calls him a member of the Singularis Porkus family - a greedy member mind you, and lists ditching the Meister as one of her principal hobbies.

They were both very excited about the outing, and observers have said that they made various plans. Since rumour has it that SS can't distinguish north from breakfast (or for that matter east, west, south et all), the Potato even did research and got maps and even printed the maps. What he got in return was the comment - "show off".

Well, talking of sense of directions, SS is definitely not the worst one here. The 1st Nawab was from Iran. He wanted to go on a pilgrimage to Mecca, so he got out of home and reached India. Legend has it that he was using a compass made in China.

Anyway, since this is the Potato, the night before the trip his boss (the racist bar stud, not the muppet) told him that he had to come and work the next day. Since the Potato has no physical or metaphysical conundrum in telling his boss "up yours" (unlike some other people who shall remain nameless who goes off to shopping sprees with their bosses, while ditching the Meister of course), there were some negotiations and it was finally decided that Meister would do the work, Potato would go for the trip.

So the big day came. The Potato went out and smacked into the 2nd Bermuda Triangle in the form of Koti.....none of the auto wallahs wanted to go there. Well, obviously someone did but that was after 25 minutes of 'nakkos, ledus and kadus'. This dude had no qualms about going to Koti, nor about taking shortcuts, nor about going in opposite direction in an 1 way street, nor about going through a lane full of shops selling women's underwear.

So finally, Potato reached the place. Naturally, being a member of the intelligentsia, SS was a wee bit late. {on an aside there is an Ashoka Stambha beside the Koti Woman's College gate...those of you asking why there? would get the cunningly created response of why not?}

So, with vim, vigour, enthusiasm, lots of water, and a map, SS and Potato finally met and hailed an auto. The 1st autowallah they hailed blandly told them he knows the way to Purani Haveli.....thus making the whole map making thing an exercise in futility. After passing through one of the world's most depressing rivers, some very old buildings, a terrorist hub and Princess D (don't ask the full name please) Hospital, they reached the place. Its a very old building built by one of the Nizam's sons. Nowadays, there's a museum on the 1st floor and a school everywhere else.

Only in India would you find a museum on the 1st floor - with expensive gold and silver stuff with a 161 year old guard who looks 232 - and physics and chemistry laboratories on the ground floor.

After buying tickets, and paying 150 bucks for camera permit (150 bucks!!! daylight robbery), the 2 climbed the stairs and went into.........................the biggest foocking wardrobe/closet in the world. Actually the biggest. Its bloody huge. And it has lots of clothes and shoes and hats etc of all the ole prince.......who judging by the clothes was a midget and a bit of a wanker...which self respecting male wears pink. No wonder all the intelligent or rich Telugus go abroad...who would want to live in a state and look up to the ruler who wears pink...disgusting.

They passed the closet, and went to another hall full of things which the princeling had allegedly used...his bed, stool, dressing table, pens, mirrors, religious stuff, chamber pots etc. At this juncture they got a guide dude. He was a very enthusiastic dude and took great pleasure in pointing out stuff to them. From this hall, they went out and came upon an ancient hand pulled elevator. The prince being a prince (and a lazy bugger) used to use this to come from the ground floor to the 1st floor). The lift is still working and both the Potato and SS took turns in pulling it.

After this, they entered into another hall....this one full of interesting stuff. Worth mentioning are all the silver models of the different buildings established by the Nizam - Osmania, MuzamZahi, High Court, Public Gardens, a Dam etc, lots and lots of letter cases - not silly ass envelopes, but actual intricately designed cases - and utensils. 1 particular utensil caught the Potato's attention. Its a big plate with grooves in it. The guide explained that it was specially designed so that all the ghi in the biriyani could fall in the grooves and the eater wouldn't have to stuff himself with ghi - apparently an old health measure...ingenious.

Overall, it was a lovely place and both Potato and SS were happy. Well at least Potato was, you can never tell with women. Anyway, they hailed another auto and went to Chowmahallah Palace. For those of you who have never been there, its a big ass complex with 4 (or were there 5?) palaces. Each palace had numerous old pics, furnitures, memorabilia etc. There's also a clock tower. And there's also a big ass fountain - cue muppets disguised as college girls posing in front of it and taking pics...numpties.

From the pictures it became evident that the Nawab family had some of the worst looking people in history. As ugly as...err....well at least as ugly as the Meister. There were also a few monobrows around. However, being as rich as Bill Gates, one of the Nawabs convinced the Caliph of Turkey to get his daughter married to him. That lady was beautiful, as was her sister, as is her descendants. The moral of the story being that there is absolutely no disadvantage in being rich. [So hypothetically speaking, if the Meister suddenly becomes a multi-billionaire, even he will become attractive in ladies' eyes....well nah not really there isn't enough money in the world that will make that pug ugly antithesis of Brad Pitt attractive.]

Back to the story. There's also a big ass clock - probably the cousin of the one in Salar Jun Museum. The palaces also contain a huge collection of swords, daggers and shields. A few axes also but alas, no maces. There's also an area where there are a number of old chariots, old cars and 3 old bikes - including an old Harley. Its almost 100 years old and dilapidated but still looks better than the Hero Hondas. It was in this area that some kids from an adjacent school waved at the Potato. It led to a revelation of epic proportions.

They met an old couple who were resting, and who for strange reason wanted to talk to them. The old gentleman talked about his gargantuan eating habits and his wife was very proud of it. SS got so distracted by their story that when she found a parrot feather, she happily picked it up and was about to put it in her hair when she realised that it was pan stained.

Anyway, overall it was a very satisfying and pleasing trip. Whilecoming back, Potato innocently asked SS what part she liked the best. She told him a few stuff which she liked. And then she told him what she really likes - young boys...or more specifically young boys in school dress.

u guys have dirty minds.....she meant the young kids waving at them and generally being all enthu

Muppets here, Muppets there, there are Muppets everywhere

2009-11-10T20:45:00.007+05:30

Or at least everywhere in Hyderabad. Its true.

And its not only about the Meister's boss who is Kermit the Frog in disguise. He, after all, is the same guy who rented an office which did not have water or electricity or a parking lot...the imbecile.

No there are more, many in fact.

Not least of them are the idiots from ABN, who have put up some huge billboards with pics of Bhagat Singh, Netaji, Che and Jesus...yes the correct expression at this point is WTF!!

The poster-boy of non-violence in the same page as these cut-throats??? Why?????????? Who comes up with this stuff...the imbecile.

[On a separate vein, Jesus is the original Muppet of Christiandom, think about it...this dude who is his own father and also a ghost comes to earth as a Jew, befriends such lovely lads as Judas {what a numpty} and gets his arse kicked by those luj characters...if that's not a Muppet then nothing is]

Anyway, there are other Muppets in Hyderabad as well. They have now infiltrated that bunch of menace to humanity - the autowallahs.

Meister knows that calling them Muppets is an understatement, but what else are you going to call someone who asks the way to Secbad rail station, in front of Keys High School!!! A new person in the city he understand, but a foocking autowallah!!!....the moron

Now we come to the Muppet extraordinaires...the Hech Har people. One member of this species recently mailed the Meister saying that he doesn't meet the criteria of what the company is looking for (this after the Meister had kicked arse in both rounds of tests). There's nothing i nthe rejection....the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry, he is almost a professional reject. What is Muppetesque however, is the fact that the same dimwit called up the Meister a few days later and told him that it was all a mistake and can he still come for interviews. Then this dynamic dumdum compounds the muppetpsity bt telling the meister that the interview will be at 2 and the ntelling the interviewer that it will be at 2.30....the dingbat

The main Muppet, however, according to the Meister, is the Meister himself. As a result of his immense depression, frustration and overall tiredness, he has recently shouted at 2 of his subordinates, and has even threatened to fire one of them. Although it worked, and since then both had cleaned up their work consideraby, the point here is that Meister has done something which he himself hates, and thus has become a hypoocrite....ergo a Muppet.

The Meister is now well and truly scared, mortified etc....Is he slowly becoming less and less of the p word and becoming more and more of the b word???!!!! Is he becoming a corporate honcho, despite hating those bar studs??? Is he displaying boss like properties??? Has the power gone to his head???The mind boggles...

Cue more depression

Socks, socks, his kingdom for a pair of socks

2009-11-04T19:35:00.000+05:30

Ok, technically not a kingdom (Meister belongs to that group of people whose name starts with a p and the mere mention of whom makes Don Violent blow her top and threaten GBH to the Meister)

On an aside, don't you think that the phrase 'blow her top' should be sued for giving a wrong picture to a dude's mind?? A dude upon listening to the phrase, would picturise a girl actually taking off her top and....well doesn't really matter what else..girl taking her top off is enough...., but instead would actually get the modern equivalent of bloody Boudicea. If there ever was a case of false advertisement....

Anyway to come back to topic, Meister needs a butler desperately or someone, anyone who can pair socks. See, the Meister can do a lot of things. He however, cannot do even more things....simple things which other people seem to manage......say for example oiling your boss/guide, or acting/pretending that someone is someone's best friend and then stabbing them in the back or even bitching about them behind their back....or pairing a sock.

The Meister is completely incapable of this simple task. Its some block in his brain or something. It was ok in school as all the socks were white. But now, its a massacre. the Meister has about 40-50 socks, none in pair. The Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion matches them up whenever she comes down, but once used and given to the maid, they all come back as a whole and not as pairs. The Meister's sartorial extravaganza now doesn't reach his socks. You can see him wearing a navy blue and a black or a navy blue and a brown or a black and a brown together. In those rare cases that you might find him with 2 socks of the same colour, they will inevitably be of different sizes and designs. There's even a grey one, which the Meister is pretty sure he has never bought...mysterious you know.

So, the Meister needs a butler......on second thoughts no not really.....given Fate's, Life's, Destiny's and Mother Nature's endearing habit to continuously kick the Meister in his bollocks, it is better not to have a butler. The guy would probably steal all of the Meister's socks.

Myths

2009-11-02T20:08:00.005+05:30

Well, the Meister has recently been as sad, depressed and drunk as a skunk in a funk.

In one of these moodes, he started thinkin about mythology - you know the stuff with gods and demons and heroes etc etc. So here is what he thought.

Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Barring that, what we have is basically a lot of seriously cool stories involving lots of drinking, wars and sex, one great thing about mythologies is the characters - esp the animals.

Greeks: Chimera (1/3rd lion, goat and serpent..who thought of that?? seriously thats one of the coolest creatures ever), 9 headed Hydra, Cerebus, Minotaur

The Phoenix is a bit of a traveller and keeps popping out in many myths - Egyptian, Arabic, Chinese and Japanese (not to mention Harry Potter)

The Norse, on the other hand were not that into animals. True they had that giant snake and that giant wolf, but apart from them it was mostly men and women. However, what they do have going for them are the Valkyries.

Picture this, you go fight, if you win you get gold, cattle, women; if you die some big boobed woman will come and carry you off to Valhalla where you will spend the rest of eternity in a party with neverending buffet and alchohol. I mean this is the perfect win-win situation if there ever was one. No wonder those dudes were so fearless and all. Its the best after death scenario ever.

Talking about death, lets compare after death scenarios in some other cultures.

According to them Greeks, you die, then you go to the underworld where you have to pay Chiron to take u across Styx or Acheron, and then you get judged and depending on the result, you are sent to Elysium for the blessed, Tartarus for the damned, and Asphodel for the rest.

Everyone knows about the Egyptians and their morbid preoccupation with death. In their case, it is the baboon/ibys Thoth who judges the soul in a balance with a feather.

I am leaving out the Mayans and the Incans. Those bloodthirsty dudes were more interested in the deaths of their victims than their own.

Now we come to our very own Hindu myths. You die, you go to th underworld and you meet whom - another bloody clerk/ bureaucrat!!!!!!!!!! Bloody Chitragupta with his bloody ledger. A prime area for corruption if you ask me.

For that matter, look at our gods. The most powerful one is a pothead who kills his wife when she nags him too much (not cool dude, not cool). Another of our main gods in a geriatric married to a young lady - who is supposed to be the god of wisdom and learning - you married a geriatric lady, how smart was that? and we are supposed to follow your example). The 3rd of our main gods is the grandfather of all loose characters - the dude goes around marrying/seducing hundreds of women and as a kid, goes and hides the clothes of ladies when they are bathing thus forcing them to walk naked in front of him!!!

On the plus side, we do have some pretty powerful goddesses and pre-incarnations of Buffy so to speak - you know all them demon slaying goddesses et all. We have the world's 1st multi species transplant involving for some weird reason gods and eleophants, we have nuclear weapons, flying chariots, shapeshifting demons etc. Some of our gods are even green you know, they recycle themselves and come as different avatars.

However, they are some mean bastards - they regularly make the asuras do the hard work and then they steal all the good stuff and kill the asuras.......hmm doesn't that remind you of the modern day bosses?

Calls

2009-10-27T21:35:00.002+05:30

Meister was looking at his phone and thinking how an extremely nominal number of people call him. He started counting and could not even reach 5. There is the twice daily calls fro mthe Esteemed Nuters of the Parental Persuasion and there are the more or less weekly calls from Sandman and SS. That's it......no one else!!!

Well, his boss calls, but that's either to give him more work or to give him galis, so that can be discounted and damned. MS sometimes calls, but that's usually to mke plans for a movie. Even dear old Uncle calls, but not regularly, more like once a month. Of course, Brandybuck doesn't need to call...since they have been best friends and talking from age 3.

This has pretty much been the theme of Meister's life. When he was in school, he used to get loads of claas. Ditto in college and university. But withing 6 months of passing out, the calls stop, the always stop.

All this really highlights the kindness of SS and the Sandman. Meister can't even begin to put into words how grateful he is to these two. SS, in particular, has an amazing knack of calling whenever the Meister is allowing in self-pity, misery and sadness - and she never fails to take his mind off his sorry existence. Well, Meister has a sneaky feeling that she is slowly becoming a saint. What else can you call a lady who is incapable of saying bad things about Quislex and foocking HechHar people??? As far as the Sandman goes, he is the Meister's best friend, barring Brandybuck of course, and is one of the nicest human beings around. If only he could stop his tendency to ask girls out for coffee!!!

Anyway, the point is that the Meister is eternally grateful etc to these 2 for taking time off their busy lives to talk to him.

Oh btw, the Great Indian Chunkubaaz also used to call the Meister oince upon a time. But ever since he got addicted to boudis and hair gel, he has stopped calling.

Planning for the Future - Exercise in Futility

2009-10-25T11:23:00.005+05:30

What's d point of planning for the future? No seriously, what is the point? No one has seen the future, no one knows whats going to happen. So why thik and be worried about the future? Live for the present. Afterall, you can have life defining and life changing moments and not even though that it is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Same thing happened to me.

It was 1st semester in the looney den. I was standing for elections. I was campaigning. Sir Gaysalot was with me. In front of the mess he intrduced me to this girl and asked her to vote for me. Normal, mundane, everyday stuff right? Bloody wrong, who in foock's anme would have guessed that moment to be the changing of my life, the beginning of the rest of my life...hell even I didn't know.

She was just another girl. I had seen her before, during classes she used to sit in the front bemch of either the left or the central rows. She sued to hang out with the foreign kids. So naturally, I thought o000o another hoity toity. Well, 1st appearances are almost always deceptive aren't they?

Those of you who know her know that she is not hoity toity at all - nowhere near as hoity toity as the Xaverians or those poster people for hypocrisy - the cultural studies gang.

Well, my point is there is no way of knowing what the future holds or whom ou are going to meet or how big a part of your life the person you are going to meet is going to be. I never realised that when I first met her. Nor did I realise it for the 1st couple of months either, we used to hang around, chat etc. Nothing was amiss and then bam we had our 1st fight. I made fun of her when he had gone out for lunch as she was studying in the restaurant.

4-5 months we did not talk. 1 of those during the winter break. That was the 1st inkling I had that this girl might be Special, after all apart from football, I have never missed someone so much in my life. So, once I went back I tried talking to her and lo and behold she accepted. And that has been going on for the last 5 years now - I get pissed off or sad r something and stop talking for weeks or months and then when I start missing her way way too much, I again call her. She accepts every time (truth be told I am a bit surprised at that...I mean why? why would someone keep doing that?).

Anyway, back to the point again. The point is you never know what's going to happen and the best laid plans of mice and men etc etc. I never planned to fall in love, was alwaya bit of a misogynist and was always determined to be a bachelor. Still am a bachelor and will always be a bachelor but despite having no intentions to do so, fell in love.....thereby making my life unnecessarily more complicated.

So I have decided that from now on

1) its go with the flow time

2) everything looks better fter a few drinks (possible exception Ayush Prasad)

3) you can never have too much football

Ergo, get drunk while watching football, you really don't needto plan for anything else in life.

Mathew Harding's Blue and White Soldier

2009-10-23T22:02:00.000+05:30

Well ever since the Meister and Potato met me, they have been bugging me to write something for their blog. I admit I am not as funny as the Meister or Potato. Plus, I don't know any of the people they keep talking about. So I was always in a quandary as to what to write for them. I asked them and both of them said that since hardly anyone reads their blog and almost noone apart from that Wasted girl comments anyway, it really doesn't matter what I write about.

Hardly encouraging is it? I don't know why they keep on writing though, because nothing's worse for an author than people iognoring his or her work totally. Even bad criticism is better than no response. But still its their blog and I am just a guest.

So I kept on thinking about what to write and then decided that I should write about what brought me in contact with Meister and the Potato in the first place - our love for football in general and Chelsea in particular.

I have been a Chelsea fan since the mid 90s. I have seen Ken foocking bates almost destroy our club, I have seen the Roman era, I have seen the Tinkerman losing us a match, I have seen Uefa not allowing us to win match after match after match. I have seen Gullit and Villi's artsy teams (Chelsea 5 Machester United 0 http://www.mychelseafc.com/reports/1999-2000/chelsea_50_manchester_united.htm...still brings tears to my eyes) seen Mourinho's juggernaut, seen the invisible Grant; seen Scolari fuck it all up and the Great Guus resurrecting us.

People keep harping about Roman leaving but hell if he leaves we will be better than when he came in, so that's progress and am not worried.

Which brings me to Ancelotti and the current season.

I am still a bit wary about the diamond formation 4-1-2-1-2. It didn't work during Scolari and its not that effective now. Against Villa, it didn't work at all. Didn't help that Villa played a blinder. It seems that it won't work against any team with good wingers. That's not a good thing at all. The whole problem is that with the diamond formation, there is too much responsibility and pressure on the full backs, they have to attack and defend. Bosingwa can't do both. In fact, he can't really defend that well.

So, as long as we have some backup plans, maybe a traditional 4 -4 -2 or a 4-3-3 or even a 4-5-1 or a 4-2-3-1, I am happy. Under Scolari we had none.

True we lost to Wigan but hey Titus Bramble happens. When Titus Bramble scores against you, it just is not your day, simple.

We are just 1 point off the top in the Prem and are the only with 100% records in wins and clean sheets in the Champs League, so signs are good. We thrashed Atletico 4-0, though they are crap at the moment, and Kalou scored twice in a game. That got me scared to be honest. If Kalou scores twice in 1 game, does that mean that the world is coming to an end?

Well, at least we Blues have a balanced view of the footballing world, unlike the Liverfools - who think that sun rises and sets from St. Steven's arse, or the Manures - who think that Lord God Fergie's purple nose is the sun and hence he world revolves round it and thus its normal that they get Fergie Standard Time.

Art of Writing

2009-10-18T09:38:00.002+05:30

I recently read this small piece by the Special One. It was beautiful, highly depressing stufff, but beautiful nonetheless. I never knew she could write such good stuff. It was surprising. Well, come to think of it, it wasn't that surprising since hell she is a Ciefl girl after all. Well despite the fact that Ciefl does have its own share of idiots, people who can't spell their own names correctly - ala a certain neighbour of mine, and Ayush Prasad - who spills bullshit every time he opens his mouth or touches pen to paper or finger to keyboard as the case may be

Writing isn't easy, good writing is rare, hell judging by my colleagues even grammatical writing is gut wrentchingly difficult, so to see such a nice piece of writing all of a sudden was very nice. What attracted me was the way the feelings of a youg child was portrayed so realistically and convincingly.

I have no hesitation in saying that I will never be able to wrie something like that, but then again serious stuff is not exactly my forte. My forte is more in the lines of making people smile, chuckle, laugh, shake their heads in exasperation or exclaim "What the fuck is wrong with that bald fuck? How the fuck can he write fucking trash like this? etc etc" Deep thinking, introspection or talking about issues won't happen after reading my stuff. So I won't even try.

But all this writing stuff got me thinking - what if I was a screenplay writer you know. Well, here's what would have happened. The world would have been saddled with the following immortal lines

Frankly my dear, I care more about football (Gone with the Wind)

With great power comes great responsibilty, so appoint a good manager - call Guus Hiddink (Spiderman)

I will be with John Connor. Call him to pass on any messages. (Terminator II)

They may take our lives, but they will never take our chocolate chip cookiieesssss (Braveheart)

Hasta la manana baby (Terminator II)

Riddle me this riddle me that Who is afraid of a big giant gnat? (Batman Forever)

I am the best wanker in the world (Titanic)

So, on hindsight, it is a good thing that I am not a screenwriter.

Karma, Buggeritis and people who don't keep their words

2009-09-28T17:56:00.003+05:30

Well everyone knows that Karma is a bitch...except in the case of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz. Being of a feminine persuation, Karma is also under the spell of that boudi seducing pillow thief, which is precisely why even her revenge on the Chunkubbaz lacks that bite. Even after not paying his bills, and swindling his company and stealing the Meister's pillow, he only gets a letter from the lawyers asking him to meet up and settle the amount..that's it. No police, no handcuffs, no kick on the backside.

The Meister's dear friend the Resident Bugger recently fell sick, so like any intelligent clear thinking person, he naturally did not tell anyone and starved himself. The magnificent moron starved himself for 2 whole days before summoning up the last vestiges of energy and IQ to call up MS. Things progressed smoothly after that(apart from the minor hiccup where the Bugger well bugged the doctor).

Anyway, immediately after meeting the doctor, true to form, he started feeling better and a couple of days later went to get his blood tasted. Here comes the strange part - his test results did not show dengue or malaria or typhoid or jaundice or swineflu - it came up with a whole new strain of virus hitherto unknown to man - H420V420. The scientists types are currently doing research on it but they have termed it Buggeritis in honour of the 1st idiot who fell sick with it.

While all this was going on, a certain friend and the meister fixed up a plan to go to the Bugger's house and get his medicine, money et all and to clean up his vomit. The Meister was gracious enough to inform the lady that he could meet her anywhere and anytime she wanted (as she had the keys). So what does she do - she calls up and postpones fiorst and thn messages to cancel the thing. The reason - she went on a shopping trip for a guest or something. Now, the Meister's problem and the reason he was pissed off like hell was this - when you give a word you keep it. Its true that such an attitude in today's day and world is stupid but hell that's what the Meister is like. He rarely gives his word but when he does he tries like hell to keep it and he sure as hell doesnt make plans with someone else.

Anyway, when the Meister first learnt about Bugger's latest bout of bugging, he was on a food date with Don Violent, where to his everlasting and immense shame he got lost while trying to find the loo.

You reap what you sow - silly foocking aphorism

2009-09-08T17:36:00.011+05:30

You reap what you sow - unless you are the Meister, in which case you just keep on working and working and working, like that Greek whatsishname who keeps on rolling that stone up the mountain.

I really envy that fat assclown (the Potato, not the Greek dude). Well, obviously not his looks (the face that will crash a 1000 ships if it suddenly pops up on a dark night) or his physique (resembles a snowman..no not the abominable one).

I do all the work, and he reaps all the rewards.

For example, take last Saturday. Brownie was sick, so I decided to take her to Blue Cross. So I went to that den of whackjobs called Cielf/Eflu. I went to my ex-abode (which btw took away 8-9 years of my life via passive smoking, passive sniffing and repeated exposure to Ayush Prasad)
I roamed around the damn place and the campus but as usual could not find her anywhere. Then I learnt that some bastard had called the MCHech, who had come and had happily abducted 3 dogs.
So, I was worried. I called up the Violent Don, she called up more people...there was a flurry of phonecalls to find out who had called whom etc etc. A nice young girl whose name I have forgotten (hey I suffer from Mad Bull Disease, don't judge me) also came to help us. (There was another of those fox passing thingies...the young girl said she would come with us, I thought she said no.........never understanding what women want - story of my life)
We all decided to go to Blue Cross for further action. So, we travelled and we reached the Blue Cross gate and only when we reached the gate did we get the call that Brownie was still in campus. So, we went in and told the problems and fixed matters so that an ambulance would come in th evening to take Brownie away. By the time all this got over and Brownie finally went to hospital, it was about 5.

Don Violent then invited me over to her room for some coffee and UNO. So guess what happens?

I lose at UNO and then lose at UNO some more and then lose at UNO even more. Things turned really pathetic when thankfully I got an invitation to attend Sir Paunchsalot's birthday party later that night. I was all enthu, I came back home and took a bath etc and then......foocking fell asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I was sleeping, he went instead. And he ate, he drank and won 50 bucks out of nothing in a card game. He borrowed money from the Sexy Aunty, which he promptly lost. See, the problem was that he was sober when the game started. As the rounds progressed, he became significantly drunker and drunker and by the 6th or 7th peg, his brain was positively buzzing - result he won 50 bucks twice in the space of 3 rounds.

This is something interesting that I have seen before also - the progressively drunker he becomes, the better he becomes at indoor games. He positively kicks ass at Taboo when drunk, he is damn good at Cluedo when drunk, the only time in Monopoly when he does not get bankrupt is when he is drunk!!

Being a strict coffeetotaller on the other hand, I suck at all of them. I suck at these games more than anyone has ever sucked in the history of these games - nay in the history of history.

So I guess all of you understand my frustrations don't you. No wonder I am always depressed and sad and miserable etc etc.

But then I read this article and started feeling all right again.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/sep/07/charlie-brooker

After all, the Great A'tuin would probably finish his journey some day, not to mention the distinct possibility of one of the 4 elephants standing on him slipping (the 5th one has already fallen after all), and where will all of us be then? Huh? Huh? Not even Leonard of Quirm or the wizards at Unseen University have an answer to that..if you didn't understand anything of that, read Pratchett or you deserve to get your goolohoog head kicked.

Puts things into real perspective doesn't it?

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whiz

As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know

Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space

Because there's bugger all down here on Earth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk

It's a Disease

2009-09-02T10:25:00.005+05:30

When you can hear a couple whispering "I Love You" in each other's ears from 200 yards away...

When you are surrounded by a bunch of uncouth roughneck savage barbarians wearing the yellow and red dress of East Bengal screaming and speaking in a language which does not follow any rule of linguistics whatsoever.....

When you see a bunch of guys pissing on a "Please do not pass urine here" sign......

When you see women walking around the street in their nighties in the middle of the day......

When you see thousands and thousands of people walking around on the streets wearing shirts, pants and hawai chappals.....

When you see a whole bunch of people shaking their head or/and using their hands or/and movin their whole body like a pendulum while listening to a msicall soiree etc, albeit without following any rhythm or beat......

When you see a whole bunch of people, who despite being primary school dropouts, arguing vociferously about something that they have no idea whatsoever.....

When you see a group of people truly believing that they are better than the legends of any sports......

When you see a group of people who can't even digest their food without sticking their nose into other's business and peeping into their neighbours' lives....

When you see a whole species of people who spend their whole lives trying to butter up to people and who can change their allegiances at the drop of a hat and will stab you in the back.......

.......then you know that either you are in an alternative universe where Fair is Foul, Foul is Fair etc etc.........

......or you are in Bangal counry

Disclaimer: No human being is a Bangal by birth.....Bangalness is like a disease, much like say HIV, its something that a person acquires.....some people are born humans, and then they become Bangals....and as cuch these creatures should not be shunned, they shopuld be pitied and helped.....and if they are East Bengal supporters - then beaten up.

Meister vs Aliens

2009-08-27T22:22:00.005+05:30

This is the Potato again.

I have had to take over this blog yet again, though temporarily, coz the Meister has gone bananas. His nerves are shattered, his confidence is gone etc. Personally, I think he is just a bit of a wus but anyway.

It all started (according to the dynamic dimwit anyway) when he apparently started making all them fox passes ...(the hoity toity la-di-das pronounce it differently of course)...(btw I want to meet the guy who managed to train the foxes to play football, that guy should be the Indian team coach).......and he did it in front of the most violent Mafia leader he has ever known. ...ye know her...that leader of the LOLZ Mafia..

Apparently she is a feminist plus a cultural studies research scholar, and a close friend of the man who should be beaten up periodically, preferably at least 3 times every week for the benefit of mankind and civilization - Ayush Prasad. Ye all know the Meister's viwes regarding all three groups of people - though doubt lingers whether Ayush can be considered as people. So, there he was happily cursing all and sundry, when the declaration from the Violent One came, thereby scaring the bejeejus out of the Meister.

He has been a little out of whack ever since.

He has been so out of whack that he lost 2 stare-downs to 2 kids in about 2 hours in 1 night. Yep, the kids actually stared him down. Once in Inox and once while coming back home, Meister was on the bike, kid was in a car...Stupid silly good for nothing muppet.

But the worst was yet to come.

Next day he had just started from home for office when he chanced upon a billy goat. They both stodd still and looked at each other.

Then there was a mexican standoff....both stared at each other without moving or batting an eyelash (though truth be told the billy goat had an advantge, he didn't have eyelashes)...

It was an epic encounter between man and beast

It was mano y goato at its finest.

So they stared and they stared.....and then...of course you know it.....

Meister blinked

shame, mortification, sorrow, ignominy, disgrace etc etc

He went back home and hasn't left it yet. I have had to go to office and do all other stuff. He is just lying there staring at the ceiling and sighing.

The dimwit is now saying that it must have been an alien goat and thats why it's mojo was so strong etc.

Well, I told him that if the goat was an alien, then the Meister is a monster, in fact he is the Missing Link.

No, not the link between man and ape nor the link between mammals and reptiles.....

Meister is the link between man and muppet.

Curse of the Chunkubaaz Strikes Again

2009-08-25T22:30:00.001+05:30

Well, ye all know that crafty, randy, notorious seducer of boudis, lover of all products related to hair and addict of Orkut - the Great Indian Chunkuubazz. Ye also know that he recently ditched the Meister after paying heed to the call of a boudi. What ye all do not know is that this dude can put Scrooge McDuck to shame. In the Hindi-English dictionary, there is his picture beside the entry 'kanjush'. Well, when he was here, the Meister never gave him a party for the simple reason that McChunku never gave the Meister one. So, the McChunku never got a chance to see Meister's hot friends....he was jealous etc.

So when he somehow learnt about Meister's plans of hosting a party, he decidded to curse it. As the President of the "Bug the Meister" mafia/secret society, he had ample resources at his disposal. He made a masterplan and dispatched his agents.

First, he did weird things to the time-space continuum so that Meister could not invite his dear friends SS and MS.

Second, he scheduled someone's birthday so that Jellio could not come.

Third, he threatened our Resident Scientist - the Bee Man so much that the poor lad chickened out

Fourth, he somehow provided wrong directions to the Resident Bugger...since this is the Bugger, he took the wrong directions and made mistakes with the directions and reached the right place.

Fifth, he manged to get someone to blow some germs up the Prenniallyinjuredthung Ovung's nose, so that he fell sick.

Sixth, he arranged wih a professional hitman to hit Ex-lord Botanist with a car while he was coming back from work...poor lad has a broken wrist now.......damn you McChunku

Seventh, he somehow manged to convince all the orthopedics to go home, so poor lad with the broken wrist had to wander aroundhospitals all night without treatment

Eighth, he got some dude to dress up in a state-of-the-art invisible suit and steal the Meister's phone

Ninth, he messed up players' minds so much that during Taboo we had Talksalot giving clue to Hugh Jackman as the person who was in Edward Scissorhands (wtf right?) and Sexy Aunty giving clue to something as "this is something that Don Violent and I are going through/having right now"...its supposedlt mid-life crisis, all the guys present thought something else that starts with a m

Tenth, he managed to make the Meister late in picking up Don Violent, leader of the LOLZ Mafia, and as a result, they were late for the opening of the Potter movie

Eleventh, he got one of his agents to bomb the transformer near the Meister's office so that the Meister could not write this post - he did this for 3- 4 days continously

All of which proves

1) the potency of the Chunku...no wonder all the boudis go gaga over him

2) the determination and resoluteness of the Meister. Being one of them resolute dudes, he finally managed to finish this post, after overcoming overwhelming odds like blasted transformers, screwed up net connections, muppet bosses and splitting headaches.

10 Signs that prove SS's Nutterosity

2009-08-23T19:19:00.002+05:30

You have heard of SS? She is Meister's friend - a great lovely kind friendly lady. Unfortunately she also happens to be a nutter...(well all women are, but you know what the Meister means),.. although nowhere near the league of Meister's esteemed family members. You are asking how the Meister came to this conclusion? Well its because......

1. She talks about obfusication with the Meister at 3.15 in the night(or morning if you are feeling pedantic)

2. She dances and sings in the cinema hall.

3. She was usually one of the last to leave that Lawless Jungle every night. She quit that place, and joined a new place and guess when she leaves ....yep long after everyone else leaves

4. She actually used to like that Jungle when she was there, and here's the thing - she apparently still does

5. She has a crush on OCD Man....rather she is fascinated with him...OCD Man, the guy who can pick a fight with his own shadow for no being in the perfect psition; the guy who says asshole and disgusting about 17 and 19 times respectively every day; the guy who uses pork as a subject-matter in a wooing process; - SS is so enamoured with him that she keeps calling the Meister by his (OCD"s) name

6. She is scared of Midas!!!!!!!!

7. She likes Bongs!!!!!....seriously!!!!!!!!

8. She reads about those sissy vampires of Ms. Myers :-(

9. When the Meister gives her a gift, she thanks Bugger. Yep, she actually does that. Well, she has also consistently called the Meister with OCD's name throughout the last 3 years (well either she is obsessed with OCD or she is bored bythe Meister)

10. She dreams/fantasises about Mr. Mythological Spirit

Well, in the spirit of the festive season where u buy something and u get something else free, here's another reason which proves that SS desperately needs therapy -

She still calls up the Meister, goes to movies with him etc etc, and seems to like him!!!

Now if that does not prove that she is a nutter, then there's something wrong with this world.

Ditch the Meister - the nation's new favourite pasttime (along with spitting, cutting trees and digging roads)

2009-08-18T10:58:00.009+05:30

It all started with ....well who else....that notorious seducer of boudis, that self-delusioned reincarnation of Don Juan and Casanova, the man single-handedly responsible for keeping the hair-gel industry afloat - the Great Indian Chunkuubaaz. After promising the Meister that he would be staying in Hyderabad for at least another 2-3 years, he ran away. He just could not resist the call of the boudi (reminds the Meister of them frustrated randy Greek sailors in Odyssey and them German sailors in myths and them Sirens) and lunked off leaving the Meister high and dry!!! And this after 10 years of close friendship :-(

Well as a matter of fact, the first one to ditch the Meister was his closest friend in college - all over a girl!!! Meister had a mini-crush on a girl, nothing serious, just a crush, the son of a porcupine fell in love with the same girl. He felt threatened by the Meister as the girl used to hang around the Meister because the Meister was that damn good in English. So in order to win the girl, the dynamic dumdum started to spread rumours and malign the Meister's character in public. The funny thing (well funny now not then) was that the Meister had no clue and if only the numbskull had come and told him all, Meister would have actually helped him in his wooing process. See the Meister has no problems if someone invokes his name and paints his character as heinous and akin to Idi Amin, Pol Pot, cultural studies students etc. All he asks is that the person should tell the Meister what he/she is doing.

Anyway, to go back to the ditching part. Sir Gaysalot proudly upheld the tradition by ditching the Meister twice in the same trip - once in Bhubaneshwar and then in the motherland. The official reason was sickness, the unofficial reason- extreme boredom. He had ditched the Meister once before also - he had stopped talking coz he was apparently disillusioned with the Meister!!!

Then it was he turn of our very own present day slave owner - The Pampered Princess. She ditched the Meister because she started missing slaves as he refused to wait hand over foot on her. The final straw was when the Meister ignored her orders to go fetch water and she had to walk all of 15 metres to get it - how horrible!!!

The most recent boarders of the Ditch Meister bandwagon are his 2 friends SS and MS. They ditched the Meister after making plans to go see Public Enemies. Despite being mule tired after working all weekend and a bloody good downpour, Meister went to the theatre and got the tickets only to get the news that neither of the 2 would be able to make it coz of work :-( :-( (granted that's a good excuse but disappointing nonetheless)

Suffice to say thzt the Meister is a bit jittery nowadays...the rumour is that he is looking over his shoulders all the while keeping a lookout on the sides and in front as well (its bloody difficult)...the last thing he wants to do now is to fall into a ditch.

Chronicles of the Passport Office - The Meister, The Muppet and the Devastation

2009-08-11T10:02:00.011+05:30

The Meister recently went on an adventure - an adventure to a strange and weird land, a mysterious land full of paper pushing muppets - to get himself a passport. Why he actually needs a passport is another matter altogether as he is too fat and lazy to go anywhere.

It was a dark and dirty place full of sweating people - some due to fear, some due to nevousness, In the Meister's case it was due to extreme foocking heat. This being Bong country some comrade had gone and kept the ACs at 32degC. There were also some ricketty fans from another era but the less said about them the better. Anyway the Meister went and stood in a que and discovered that he wouldn't have to stand long. There were sits upront. So he stood and looked around. Imagine his surprise when he found out that he had somehow become the centre of attention in the damn room. Initially taken aback, he soon realised that it was because of his most excellent moustache - truly a work of art. Unfortunately, this being Bong country, the looks were more suspicious than appreciative. However, there were a few connossieurs of fine things around and their eyes told the tale of their awe and appreciation.

After standing for about 20 mins, the Meister finally got a seat. The seating arrangement was such that there was a queue of seats and you have to hop from seat to seat while making your way to the counter. (picture the secunderabd railway booking counter) You would think that this is a good arrangement right? Unfortunately, the trials and tribulations of the Meister weren't over. This being the kingdom of the Comrades, maintenance is a word which is not present in the lexicon/vocabulary. Ergo, the 3rd seat that the Meister sat on fell apart.

Result - pissed off Meister, ecstatic onlookers

Anyway lightning doesn't strike the same place twice right?

The Meister is currently seaching for the idiot who said it. They have unfinished business.

So, 3 time's the charm isn't it? Well in Meister's case, it is 4 times the charm. Although truth be told, because of his excellent athleticism he never actually fell down. Anyway trailing a wide swathe of destruction and devastation like a bull in a china shop (Meister always wonders about this - How did this adage come about? What experiment was done? Just how many times was it conducted? Which deranged lunatic actually put a bull into a china shop? What was the purpose?) the Meister finally reached the counter.

He handed over the application form and the necessary documents. The muppet at the counter asked him for his Voters ID. Meister said that he doesn't have one. All well and good so far.

The muppet lit the fuse by then asking "why not?"

This was too much for the Meister. Being an extremely polite gentleman he didn't blow his top, instead he started a lecture. He pointed out the sad state of affairs of the Indian political system in general and the bong political scene in particular. He explained the horns of a dilemna that any self-respecting Bong faces during election time - whether to vote for a bunch of hypocrite humbugs who are supported by the cultural studies crowd or to vote for a bunch of nincompoops.

The mupper kept on looking at him in shock and awe, then he closed his mouth, stamped all the papers, printed the reciept and handed it over without a single word.

So now the Meister is the proud owner of a receipt. He is more or less certain that thats the only thing he will get. There's only a slim, nay almost no chance, that he will pass the police verification especially since he is in 1 city while the police is in another.

You can Never Please a Woman

2009-08-10T10:11:00.000+05:30

Meister recently created 2 calendars (you know those create ur own design and the dudes will print it wala) for SS and MS as a sort of apology for The Hangover. According to Mr. Murphy's most excellent laws, they were delivered the day after he met them. Anyway he called SS and they fixed up a time and venue for the handover. So, guess what happens. SS receives the gift and..............thanks the Resident Bugger!!!!!!!!!!
This is the story of Meister's life.......on the few occasssions that he does something nice for someone, someone else gets the credit.
To add insult to metaphorical injury, SS then complained about MS's calendar being better than her own etc etc. See MS got a Potter calendar coz she is obsessed with Potter (and with namby pamby vampires of Stephanie Myers sadly). SS, on the other hand, is obsessed with the OCD Man. Unfortunately, as OCD Man is like a reclusive celebrity who does not like his picture taken,
Meister does not have any of his pictures and so he couldn't make a calendar with his picture and give it to SS. So, being a nice guy, he did the next best thing. He used a picture of SS herself, along with the Potter lookalike Birdgirl and the Bugger. You would think that would do the trick don't you......instead there was complaints for him and plaudits for the Bugger.
All of which proves once again that it is really impossible for a man to please a woman. It is beyond the realms and limits of mere mortal male endeavour.

This explains a lot doesn't it

2009-07-23T21:55:00.000+05:30

The Meister has an eccentric family (understatement of the millenium). The Meister has decided to write a post about them to show the world...well...to show them why he is what he is...so here goes....

Let's start with those immensely loved and respected nutters who are his parents...

Exhibit 1

The Meister's Father - Dr. Bishanbindu Bandyopadhyay

Got married in his early 20s, while being a research scholar
Loves doing all kinds of mathematical calculations......seriously
Once shouted "Shut up and Get out" to a guy standing on the street
Used to play football till well into his 40s
Has been teaching in a girl's college for the last 3 decades without exhibiting any strange homicidal or genocidal symptoms
Used to regularly tell the Meister "nobody ever becomes rich from studying"
Is terrfied of the very notion of the Meister driving
Gave 'carte blanche' to the Meister to do whatever he wants to, except Drugs, Suicide and Running away from home

Exhibit 2

The Meister's Mother - Dr. Udita Bandyopadhyay

Refused to go to hospital after heart attack
Blamed the Meister's unwillingness to marry as a reason for abovementioned heart attack
Went and bought a fricking tree trunk......yep an actual tree trunk, and cut it into pieces and uses it as furniture
Climbed scaffolding and chiselled.....yep actually did that with her own hands....a design on our house wall
Completely changes her voice when talking on the phone
Refuses to believe that the Meister is a loser in spite of all evidence to the contrary
Tripped on her own leg and broke her foot
Is interested in almost every damn thing on the planet, except sports
Had a pet rat
Once nearly drove herself into a pond (has subsequently stopped driving...to the great relief of all and sundry)...come to think of it, now that the Meister knows about SS's fatal attraction towards trees while riding, he is not that surprised..

Exhibit 3

The Meister's Paternal Grandfather - Mr. Sushil Banerjee

When he was young, madly fell in love with grandma, and went to future father-in-law and threatened to kidnap his daughter if he was not allowed to marry the girl. The Meister's existence proves that the threat worked.
The Dude once beat up a guy thoroughly for misbehaving and showing attitude. At that time, Grandpa was 70 while the guy was around 50.
Once threatened to beat up a ration shop owner for misbehaving and showing attitude
Even now, in his 80s, the gentleman is a Vishwa Hindu Parishad activist.
Is very interested in English films and English literature
Regularly calls the Meister and asks questions like "What was the name of that film where....", "Where did I read about this character who....." and "What was the name of that actor who...."

Exhibit 4

The Meister's Paternal Grandmother - Purnima Banerjee

Fell in love with the abovementioned gentleman
Continued to eat hot and spicy stuff even after diagnosed with stomach cancer
Used to bug the Meister to get the Brahmin thread

Paternal Grandparents combined

Named their 4 kids - Bitanbindu, Bishanbindu, Bidita and Binita

Historical Footnote: The fathers of these 2 characters both rejected the opportunity to buy land and build homes in Kolkata and chose Chittagong and Naihati over Kolkata.

That decision turned out well, didn't it?

Exhibit 5

The Meister's Maternal Grandfather - Tarapado Ghosh

Mathematics teacher........nothing else needs to be said now, does it?

But there are oh so many things to be said

Anecdotes:

The gentleman was lying and wanted to change the fan speed. So, he first called for his wife, then his daughter, then the maid, all repeatedly, but since evryone was busy some where else nobody could answer. The gentleman, feeling who knows what, got up, got dressed and went out of the house...but still didn't change the fan speed.

The gentleman used to vigorously oil his hair everyday and brush them at least 2-3 times a day,...all this despite the fact that he had a cumulative 18 hairs.

The gentleman was a lifelong communist, but poor!!!!! In this day and age when the very words 'poor' and 'CPM' coming together creates the world's best oxymoron, the gentleman lived on his pensions and did not take a single paisa from anyone

Exhibit 6

The Meister's Maternal Grandmother - Mukul Ghosh

The nicest of the lot, and the one whom the Meister loves the most (amongst his grandparents). An extremely nice and patient woman. Unfortunately, she has the habit of pestering the Meister to get married.....and you know what, she guesses about the Meister's love for the Special One and bugs the Meister to get married to her. If only she knew the truth....sigh

Gem of an Information

While the Meister's paternal grandfather is a VHP activist, his maternal grandfather was a lifelong memebr of the CPIM party. Both of them wanted the Meister to follow in their footsteps. Imagine their chagrin and disappoinment when the Meister turned out to be like....well....like the Meister

Another gem of an information: The Meister's paternal great grandfather had the surname Chatterjee or Chattopadhyay and 14 kids. So, the elder kids had the surname Chatterjee. Later in his life, the gentleman got the title of Banerjee, and hence, the younger kids got the surname of Banerjee. The Meister's grandfather being the baby of the family at number 14, thus, got the surname of Banerjee or Bandhyopadhyay...........fun isn't it.........well unless you look at it from the Meister's point of view.....

The jackass has a voter's ID and Ration Card with the name Bishwaksen Banerjee and every other certificate and PAN Card with the name Bishwaksen Bandyopadhyay........resulting in an unfortunate quagmire...due to which there are problems with the Meister's passport....

Exhibit 7

The Meister's Uncles and Aunts

His uncle - Dr. Bitanbindu Bandyopadhyay

Being the son of a VHP activist, is naturally a hardcore CPM supporter
Mad about theatre and spends own time and money to act in an amateur group
Mad about his house, made it with all top quality stuff...so naturally it leaks

His aunt - Dr. Basana Bandyopadhyay

Regularly falls asleep while standing in a bus
When her daughter was young , used to regularly 'motivate' her by saying "What will happen to you? You will end up begging on the streets!!"
Can utter about 351 words per minute
Regularly bugs the Meister to get married, as she has the weird notion that being the oldest, the Meister should get married first and only then her daughter can get married

The above couple together has a passion for their 3 story house, which, unfortunately,

a. Despite the use of the best materials available, tend to soak water and create interesting patterns on the roof and walls, and

b. Has the most horrendous set of stairs the Meister has ever seen (or at least had ever seen, untill he came to the Telugu country..........the Telugus are kings and masters of making stairs.....no 2 steps in a staircase has ever been made of the same size in the history of architechture in the Telugu country.........and also they have managed to make at least one staircase in EFLU as the Stairway to Heaven...it leads nowhere except a drop)

They named their kids Bijetri and Bibashwan

Another uncle - Subrata Ghosh

IIT passed Engineer, loves playing Sitar, and is completely dominated by his wife

Another uncle - Debabrata Ghosh

Got married, got divorced and is once again moving around with a girlfriend!!!! talk about crazy!!!
The same gentleman quit his job around 10 years ago and is now an interior decorator
The same gentleman, in his infinite wisdom, went and bought an apartment where already an old lady tenant is present, and who quite naturally, is refusing to vacate
Loves climbing mountains
Had throat cancer, still is a chain smoker

Anecdote: After the elder one got married, there were those inevitable family feuds....so it was a regular feature to see the younger one being chased by the elder one being chased by the father.

Ex- aunt - Krishna Ghosh

Used to pinch the bejeejus outof the Meister
Adopted a mountain dog and in Kolkata used to make it wear doggy sweaters

Exhibit 8

The Meister's Cousins

Ratul, fell in love with and subsequently married the first girl he saw in one of them matrimonial websites,
Rahul, once got embroiled in an arguement with local kids and punched someone, inevitably got beaten up for his endeavour

well since the Meister suffers from Mad Bull disease, there is a chance that he has reversed the names of the 2 above...but what the hell they are brothers afer all..so its cool

Bijetri, is studying Phd in Physiology (thus maintaining the family tradition) and allegedly falls in love once every 4 months, and who btw loved studying and learnt Kathhak
Soumi, quarelled with the Meister's mother so much they still aren't talking to each other (don't ask the Meister why they quarelled, all women are nuts) and is a Psycho something btw,
Anuja, went to Delhi for Phd and quit and then to USA for Phd and quit again!!!!!
Bibashwan, who looks like Guran of Phantom comics and who learnt 'miming'.......yes 'miming'

To make matters more interesting, the Meister has ended up with a roommate - The Great Indian Chunkubaaz - who is interested in money, hair, Orkut and married women.

So, it is a damn miracle that the Meister has managed to retain his sanity despite spending copious amounts of time in this august company. It has not been easy. The continous struggle has cost the Meister his hair.

But he has successfully managed to prove that Lunacy is not Hereditary.

Foocking Blog

2009-07-09T11:37:00.000+05:30

This version is for Benny the Prude

You do it

No you rabbit do it

Its your rabbit blog

You have rabbit taken it over now

No, I rabbit haven't!!! You are talking out of your rabbit foot mate!

Of course its yours! Even your pic is there. Don't be like the poor deluded Ovung brothers. Open your eyes.

Its you who is deluded my friend, you are now talking like a Manchester United supporter.

Hey what the rabbit!!!! Take that back, take that back right now

Ok Ok calm down calm down I take it back, nobody deserves to be called a rabbit uncouth, uncivilised, unhygenic, loudmouth disgrace to humanity.....well nobody except Ayush Prasad.

That was the censured version, now for the real stuff....

Benny the Prude look away.....

You do it

No you foocking do it

Its your foocking blog

You have fooking taken it over now

No, I foocking haven't!!! You are talking out of your foocking arse mate!

No am not!!! And what's with the reference to body parts? Don't you know that Benny the Prude will be scandalised!!!

Benny the Prude gets scandalised by anything and everything- her body is here in the 21st century, her mind is in the 16th century. Anyway as I was saying, how is it my blog now?

Of course its yours! Even your pic is there. Don't be like the poor deluded Ovung brothers. Open your eyes.

Its you who is deluded my friend, you are now talking like a Manchester United supporter.

Hey what the foock!!!! Take that back, take that back right now

Ok Ok calm down calm down I take it back, nobody deserves to be called an foocking uncouth, uncivilised, unhygenic, loudmouth disgrace to humanity.....well nobody except Ayush Prasad.

You might be wondering what this is all about. Well, this was an arguement between those two legendary lazyasses - the Meister and the Potato......the topic of arguement - who is going to write this blog. It was decided that they both will write it....

Which still leaves the problem of what to write!!!

So, they have decided that they are going to write news about their friends and acquaintances etc

Senor Paunchovilla/Sir Paunchsalot/Baron von Paunchohausen - last heard tried to jump off a cliff upon hearing that the GlasGow Beetroot has sold Ronaldo and Tevez and has instead brought in Michael 'Sickbed' Owen (probably to give company to Hargreaves, who was getting lonely being the only player sitting in the stadium while all others were playing,)....unfortunately for him and extremly fortunately for us, because of his extreme rotundity, the jumping did not go as planned...he bounced around for a few minutes and gradually rolled to a stop

come bck to the online world Pauncho, it's just not that much fun abusing the 'Arse' loving Oren brothers and the Benny the Prude - who supports Newcastle United!!!!

Lady Talksalot - is back from her brief sojourn in the western part of the country all refreshed and with an increased vigour, vim and determination to increase the profits of THAT imperialistic, capitalistic, evil company (as declared by the cultural studies hypocrites), who btw have ruined the plans of a large number of ordinary people by giving free tickets to Pottermania to its employees...Karma fought back(under pressure from 100s of disappointed kids) and gave them swine flu in return!!!

Benny the Prude - no new development, she is still a PRUDE and by now she has finished her thesis and has put her head under a blanket

Ex-Lord Botanist - some muppets tried to break into his house but was foiled in their hideous heinous endeavour by Godrej (the lock, not the person)

His Gaysalot - after finally deciding about his sexual preferences, he is apparently now a tad wee bit confused about his gender!!!!!!!!!!("bad influence of pink people")..... he was proclaiming to all and sundry that he is a "closet Bhratiya nari"....last heard he was shouting Avada Kadavara (which btw suspiciously sounds like a Telugu trying to say 'cadaver') to the Potato

Resident Bugger - still tinking otherwise dressing in atrocious blue cloured formals to the cinema

MidasDude - going around giving/taking exams and enrolling himself into MPhils and Japanese courses...respect bro respect

Bonglish Nightingale - acquired a geriatric spine

MS Brownjacket - actually got her lappy stolen (laptop not lapdog)...apprently the muppet disguising as her landlord allowed 2 luj characters to come in and browse through her stuff...when MS went to the police station, they told her (with loads of enthusiasm) that they know that there is a gang operating etc etc and a whole load of blah blah...well hulloooo get off your arses (Meister: well there you go again, now Benny the Prude will switch off her machine and go and hide under her bed, will put her hands over hear ears, close her eyes, and will start banging her head on the floor and keep declaring in Morse Code - see no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, hear no evil......)

Anyway to come back to MS, she recently went to see a juvenile comedy, got thoroughly pissed off and left mid-way to go to a bookshop to buy a sissy book....yep that's right....MS has recently become enamoured with books of extreme sissyness and she is passing off her unfortunate habit to SS as well :-(......

who btw made some comment which caused MS to BLUSH crimson/mauve/ purple/ violet/ magenta!!!!!

She kept on blushing -

like a sissy dude coming to his in-laws' place for the 1st time,

like Benny the Prude whenever the name of any bodypart is mentioned,

in fact like SS whenever OCD Hombre is discussed -

continuously for about 10 mins....

SS (you know, that dear young lady who recently got herself a geriatic hip) - Well as mentioned before, she has caught the bug from MS, the bug of reading sissy books. The bug has transformed into other weird habits as well...for example watching extremely weird and sissy programs on television.

Potatonama Ch 5 sub chapter VI

2009-07-01T11:05:00.000+05:30

Purgatory thy name is Nagpur....also known as Orange City (not because of oranges but because of the blazing fooking sun as far as the Potato is concerned)

The Potato has been in lots of cities and claim that Nagpur is the most depressing city ever.

Why he went there you ask?

Well it was to attend Frustratedalot's wedding. He went there after finishing his sojourn at Panchmarhi.

After Pampered Princess abandoned him and ran away to the arms of her slave/bf, he had no other option than to board a bus to go to Nagpur. Its just a journey of 8 hours in a rickety bus in 45 degree temperature.....with Muppety women suffering from motion sickness and puking every 5 minutes....highly enjoyable isn't it?

But that was a match at Stamford Bridge compared to what was in store at Nagpur. Its hot, its boring, its hot, its depressing, its hot.

Its also a city without hot girls........its full of aunties and grandmas!!!!! Something which was clearly evident in Frustratedalot's wedding. Not that the Potato wasreally looking forward to seeing hot girls....he was once again worried about...well what else....his pants.

See, the whole problem was that he had forgotten to bring his belt. So, he could not wear his formal trouser. He had in fact tried on the trouser in his hotel room, but it fell-off, causing great amusement and mirth to Talksalot. He had to wear shorts. But because he had promised Frustratedalot that he will go in formals, he decided to wear fullsleeve formal shirt and tie along wiht his shorts. But Talksalot started protesting vehemently.

So, there was no other option than to appear in a wedding in shorts, sneakers and a t-shirt asking guys to push off their wives off a cliff.

And what a wedding!! The poor muppet getting married was standing on one corner with a hangdog forlorn exprssion since nobody was paying him any attention whilst a whole legion of aunties and grandmas were gossiping and staring at the Potato.

The worst part was that he wasn't even allowed to bang the couple's heads(apparently an uber-cool Marathi custom). The Potato desperatedly wanted to do it but apparently only old people can do it...so the Potato told the couple that he is older than them, to which Frustratedalot replied that her new husband is older, to which Potato asked her why she was marrying old people.....at which point Talksalot dragged him away.

Frustratedalot's mother then gave him 1000 bucks (possibly to make him go away)

Up the Meister

2009-06-30T10:32:00.000+05:30

The Meister was missing his blog and so he is back. Not that he has anything profound or philosophical to share.

He recently went and saw that movie about that most awesome of superhero - Wolverine (Batman is in a different league altogether...nobody's cooler than Batman) He enjoyed it, so did Fraulein SS and MS Brownjacket. Despite being a Jackman fan, Meister feels that Liev Shreiber stole the show. And of course there was Gambit.

Well, before the movie, SS told him about some cousin of hers who had gifted her an Ipood. She was saying that she was highly reluctant to accept it and would rather have preferred mangoes. Why anyone would be reluctant to accept free stuff (unless it is Manchester United memorabilia) is one of them eternal mystery thingies. Since the Meister has long ago managed to deduce that all women are nuts, he would not even comment on this, but the choice of mangoes over free Ipood is something best described as nutty.

The real fun so to speak started after the movie.

MS Brownjacket wanted to eat, so Fraulein SS suggested a Chinese place. So they all boarded an auto and went in search of the place.

The only hiccup, as it turns out, was the absence of such a place.

Either the restaurant has gone kaput or SS's memory has followed her certain body part into being geriatric. So they could not find the place and had the bright idea of tracking their way back in case they had missed it. After 10 mins of such futile exercise, they (rather Fraulein and MS.....Meister was an oasis of calm in the sea of agitation) decided to go to another place and boarded another auto. As it turned out, they went through the same route that they had already travelled twice - once in auto and once walking (too many pronouns but hey shit happens)

Anyway they went to Malgudi, which for some reason Fraulein persisted in calling by the name of that most excellent of series by Mr. Laxman.

And then Fraulein and SS started talking about guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Granted they were talking of army guys (Meister has nothing but admiration and respect for those dudes btw) but if a ranking is to be done of the whole plethora of topics to discuss, with football coming at the top and women's fashion disqualified for just being silly and for making no sense, then the topic of guys would definitely come near the bottom. Thank Guus there was good food and a bigass jar to distract the Meister otherwise he would have been bored silly.

Potatonama Ch 5 sub-chapter V

2009-06-29T11:59:00.000+05:30

They huffed

They puffed

Whilst d muppets luffed

This is what happened when the winsome 2some went to see more falls whilst Pampered Princess stayed home. Once again there was the involvement of miles n miles of walking, and scrambling, and crawling, and jumping, and sliding, and climbing....holy mother of all that is short, sweet, and mummified!!!

They also managed to get lost.

A forest security dude found them wandering around arguing with themselves and kindly took them back to the main route and handed them to a guide who then took them to the places.

And what places!!! They had to walk, crawl, slide, scramble etc to go to these places...they got tired, bushed, fatigued, not to mention exhausted ( how the Indian Army dudes cover 60/70 kms is just a WOW thing...RESPECT Bros) in the process.......and they loved every single minute of it!!!!

They got to see Panchsomething (where allegedly the Pandavas used to bathe), Angel Falls and Silver Falls. Now the naming of Angel Falls is a lovely story.....apparently English ladies in the colonial times used to come to bathe here and tribal dudes (lucky buggers) used to peep thinking angels have come from heaven....(an action both the Meister and Potato are whole-heartedly in agreement with)

Well, they came back and happily went to sleep.

The fireworks (or to be precise the water works) started once they woke up (and this is not a reference to the foocking rain). Pampered Princess started crying and complaining that Meister and Potato are selfish barstuds, that they are narcissistic sons of dashes, that they are obsessed with each other etc.

Apparently there were 4 problems

Problem 1: She is used to her slaves (bf, parents etc) waiting hand on foot on her, catering to her every whim. Suffice to say that neither the Meister nor the Potato are built up to be slaves and that they do not give a foock (well since they ar virgins and likely to remain so for the rest of their lives, they anyway do not give foock) towards pampering anyone.

Problem 2: Absence of bf/slave

Problem 3: Pachmarhi being a place where lots of walking has to be done

Problem 4: She suffers from Mad Cow disease

Anyway she decreed that she was going to leave the next day morning....and ordered poor Dulal to make all the arrangements. And leave next day she did, after arguing and shouting at people left, right and centre.....all the waiters, attendants, drivers, travel agency dudes etc got pissed off in the process

It took the charm of the Meister to calm all of them down.

Potatnonama Ch 5 sub-chapter IV

2009-06-26T10:11:00.000+05:30

Jellylegs

yep that's the technical term...it is used to describe a phenomenon when the legs decide to wobble as if independent from the body

Both the Meister and the Potato recently suffered from this affliction. It happened right after THUD (see previous post). For the next 15 mins or so, even when they were sitting in the jeep, their legs were shaking like a hippo doing the Mamba under the influence of LSD.

With their legs still doing the St Vitus dance, they next reached a place near the Bee Falls. From the place where the road ends to the actual falls is about a kilometre......so naturally Pampered Princess Criesalot...well...cried a lot. And Complained incessantly about why the government haven't laid down concrete roads and removed the rocks or installed a ropeway. Potato was reminded of that other great Pampered Princess in history - Marie Antoinette (at least she was a genuine princess...this one is just a spoilt pampered brat)

Well despite crying, cribbing, bitching, pouting, sulking etc, she managed to accompany the 2 down to the bottom of the falls. Once down, the 2 could not resist the temptation of the fall and plunged in heedless of the lack of belt, towel, dry clothes etc. Suffice to say that Pampered Princess did not go anywhere near the water (she is afraid of rocks and water perhaps). After getting thoroughly pounded and massacred by the hard-hitting water for about 15 minutes they came out and sat down on a rock to dry off. Then they started their way back.

Halfway up, they came across a shallow pool with ankle deep water......and goodness ...Pampered Princess condescended to wet her feet!!!! She went inot the ankle ddep water, tottered a bit, wobbled abit and slipped a bit and then came out.

Then they all came back for lunch, whereupon Princess decreed that she is not going to any more places but will go home to sleep/talk to her bf and cry.

Potatnonama Ch 5 sub-chapter III

2009-06-22T14:20:00.000+05:30

U guys have imagination right? well imagine a scenario..........imagine this scenario to be precise.......a spherical heavy object high up in the air flailing around.....now zoom in and imagine that spherical object to be a............. Potato

yeah baby yeah...the Potato went parasailing

As reported earlier, after coming back from the sunrise thingy, they had breakfast (a peiod of time during which Pampered Princess had the time to...well...cry for 2 short bursts......thus making it...let's see...once while going, twice while there, twice while coming back and twice during breakfast..yeah that makes it 7 times that Pampered Princess cried between 4.30 and 8.30 in the morning)

Then they set out for that most awesome of experiences

Goes without saying that Pampered Princess did not opt for the adventure.....she claims that she is afraid of heights.....(along with all types of insects, all animals, storms, lightning, rain, clouds, loud sounds, roads, rocks, caves, water, the 4 fricking elements, darkness, the sun, etc etc etc.... of course ghosts.........and that most terrible of all things - what people think about her.......all at that tender little pre-pubescent age of 27)

Anyway, the Meister and Potato got suited up (there's a nasty rumour going around that there was some consternation and excitement during the suiting up process due to the easy unavailability of security gear of their size....there's not an iota of truth in these rumours...the Meister and Potato are individuals with model sizes)...

They got helmets, gloves, elbow-pads, knee-pads but surprisingly no abdomen guards!!!

(Potato is of the opinion that it must have been some woman who must have devised these safety items.....these women have no consideration, compassion and idea about the sensitivity and importance of the male bollocks)

Well once the suiting up process was complete, they were made to waddle into the middle of a field where there were strapped to a foocking parachute on the back and a foocking jeep on the front...and then the jeep started!!!!

And we have takeoff people

The two went up, up and further up.....and then got bashed silly by the wind

This silly element btw must have been biding it's time.....formerly it hasn't had a foocking inch of impact on the lives of the Potato and Meister....in fact the two have always regarded the destructive properties of the wind with a touch of disdain...the wind was waiting for a chance to get the two in it's grasp...and now it got it's chance for revenge.....

It literally, figuratively, drammatically, ecumenically, symbolically, allegorically, emblematically, metaphorically and grammatically kicked their ass

One second, the two were looking up to the sky, the next second they are hanging upside down, next second thet are facing right...next second, yep you guessed it...left............all the while holding onto the parachute handle as well as the pants.......................

....................all the while suffering from existential uncertainty and horns of a dilemna

Existential Uncertainty and Horns of a Dilemna: To hold on to the pants thereby chancing a bigass splat to the ground or to hold on to the parachute handle thereby increasing the chance of giving the watching spectators a once in a lifetime vision of the family jewels (another reason in favor of abdomen guards....you can never go wrong with abdomen guards...whoever invented it deserves an honorary Noble)

Meister spent the whole time worrying about his pants but the Potato, being much more shameless, enjoyed the experience (the rushing wind, not the falling pants) a lot (despite not being in his element)

Pampered Princess was in charge of taking pictures...a safe enough word you would think...but guess what she was doing....yep you guessed it....talking with her bf on the phone and crying

Then the jeep stopped....and the earth came nearer and nearer and nearer and then.....

THUD

Potatonama Ch 5 sub-chapter II

2009-06-22T10:24:00.000+05:30

Catastrophe, Cataclysm, and other words starting with Cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 2 dumdums (Potato and Meister) have between themselves, forgotten to pack a belt...ergo its pants falling down time

It also means that its bigass scandal time at Frustratedalot's wedding, what with the 2 turning up in shorts........hell at least now there is a chance that Frustratedalot will remember them longer than the estimated 2.5-3 years!!!!

Anyway apart from this double-edged blight, this has been a hell of a foocking day, a hell of a foocking day (as will be disclosed in subsequent chapters)

It all started very early....extrememly early at 4.30 in d foocking morning to be precise.....reason a wish to see the sunrise. So they all went and saw...well saw the sun rise. Meister and Potato were okay with it coz well they had seen it before, but Pampered Princess Criesalot was disappointed and heartbroken.

She was seen walking around commenting "That's it??" It seems she wanted more entertainment....God Guus knows what exactly....

maybe a ticker-tape parade??

some Bollywood style song-and-dance sequence??

a laser-light show perhaps??

a voice from the sky doing a running commentary???

.................these pampered spoilt women are nuts

Well, after this moment of intellectual and spiritual epiphany, they all came back for breakfast.

After breakfast, it was fun time people.

Potatonama Ch 5

2009-06-22T10:21:00.001+05:30

Sub-chapter I - The Beginning

The Potato, Meister and Pampered Princess Criesalot decided to go on a trip. The original plan was to visit Pachmari and then to go to Nagpur for Frustratedalot's wedding. But the best laid plans of mice and muppets etc etc.

They boarded the train at 11, and by 11.15 Criesalot started, well, crying. When asked, she claimed that she couldn't bear the thought of being without her bf for a single day. And then she kept on crying. And then she cried some more. And then she started giving Meister philosophical advice........"an exercise in futility" quipped the Potato. Then it was time to sleep.

Unfortunately, due to the heat and the distinctly muppetesque tendencies of the train (it stops everywhere...even foocking Bhongir!!) neither the Meister nor the Potato could get any sleep. They kept twisting and turning. Thank Guus there weren't any snorer or luj character who turns off the fan around.

At 5 o clock next morning, the train reached a station with one of the coolest names ever - Balderdash....and then girl wearing pink transparent dress came and sat opposite, thereby distracting the foock out of both the Potato and the Meister.

Then they reached Nagpur. Loads of people went down, loads of people came up. There were 2 groups from the latter worth mentioning. 1 group was huge - with aunties, uncles, grandma and about a dozen girls (early 20s) and a guy (early 20s). They boarded the train and started eating, and then ate some more and then continued eating some more. The other interesting fact about them is that the poor guy has lost all self-respect in life...the dude was travelling wearing a pink shirt!!!!

The other interesting group comprised a mother a son and a daughter. The son, who is in 6th standard, entertained them with loads of maths tricks. As the combined math IQ of both the Meister and Potato is somewhat similar to the football IQ of His Gayness Lord Gaysalot, suffice to say that they were astonished, astounded and other things starting with as.

oh btw, Pampered Princess Criesalot woke up and started crying again.

Potatonama Ch 4

2009-06-19T14:42:00.000+05:30

Ugly gave Potato a treat!!! wuhoo!!!

Truth be told, it was the Meister who was bugging all n sundry for a treat but no one gave him one....poor Meister. Instead, the more interesting (as declared by Fraulein SS) Potato got the treat.

It was at whatsisname...that Chinese fragrance place in City Centre. The menu was easily the weirdest the Potato has ever had - there was brinjal, there was chicken cooked in honey and lemon...and....drumrolls...there was chicken fried in orange juice!!!

The party was apparently to celebrate Ugly's imminent release from the evil, capitalist, imperialist company who is out to destroy all that is good and pure and innocent etc etc (as claimed by the Commi bastards, the Cultural Studies hypocrites and sadly the ex-Special One.......foocking morons the lot of them)

Anyway Ugly is quitting coz she was feeling depressed and like a prisoner there. Apparently people (or rather doodle people....a separate group of Homo Sapiens) find her intimidating and unapproachable.....who knows why

Anyway, all the best for her new life and job etc. The Potato will never forget her for introducing him to.....chicken fried in orange juice!!!

While coming back home, the Potato got a talkative autowallah and they started discussing things. Soon, the dude started to tell his life story. Apparently, all his brothers studied and now have jobs....he didn't so he is now driving an auto...he was quite philosophical about it. Recently his sis had some heart probs and they could aford the treatment only coz of that Rajiv Arogyashree scheme. Nice to know that at least some of our money is going to worthy causes.

The autodude likes travelling apparently and claimed to have gone to a few cities. Once he had gone to Ajmer Shareef, where displaying serious Meisteresque tendencies, the dude managed to lose his wallet. He had a couple of hundred left which he used to come back to Mumbai. Upon reaching Mumbai he went to pray to his god. After praying, he met a dude who told him to meet another dude who runs a canteen. He met this canteen dude and told him about the problem. This canteen dude then fed him and gave him enough money to go buy tickets for home.

If the story is true, then it is a nice one. Good to know that there are still people out there who help people and that we Indians have still not been morally and spiritually corrupted by the decadent, evil west (as the Commi bastards, the Cultural Studies hypocrites and sadly the ex-Special One would have you believe...foocking dimwits the lot of them)

Potatonama Ch 3

2009-06-10T11:00:00.000+05:30

Meister went and saw the movie Angels and Demons. The dimwit didn't tell the Potato that he was going. Thus, the Potato now has to download it on his comp.

The Meister liked the movie.....it was much better than the frankly boring Da Vinci Code.

To start off, Langdon's hideous mullet is gone....btw whichever hair-stylist thought of putting a mullet on Tom Hanks needs to be punished......make the dimwit the hair-stylist of Shrek.

Secondly, the disturbing Paul Bettany is not there. How he landed up with the beautiful Jennifer Connelyy is any1's guess....the dude must be a hell of a nice guy.

Thirdly, ole sourpuss Stellan is there (when was the last time anyone saw him laugh in a movie!!)

4thly, Scottish actor playing Irish role = comedy gold

McGreogor's bizarre on-again, off-again accent was the fun element of the movie

5thly, irrespective of Lord Gayslaot's protestations and sputterings to the contrary, Audrey Tatou was a waste in the Code...the Israeli actress in A&D is much better.

6thly, Rome...nuff said

7thly, Potato did not think it through before embarking on this stupid list so no more

Fatass Laughsalot went to the movies with the Meister, they were joined by Fraulein SS - who walked all the way from Banjara Hills..applause applause; MidasDude - who was 5 minutes late (who also turned out to be an X-Men fan); and MS Brownjacket - who was about 20 minutes late.....

The Potato is assuming that the Meister being a simple-toon, the naming of MS Brownjacket as MS (modern slave...she works on Sundays for crying out loud) was just a coincidental thing, although now the Meister is vigorously shaking his head and claiming that he knew it all along and that it was a well-thought out name.

The most entertaining part of the evening was seeing SS blushing profusely whenever the topic of her enamourment with OCD Man came up.

Btw, Meister wants to tell Brownjacket that his failure to pay for the ticket of his friend was not because he is cheapskate or a luj character but because of his negative memory. He promises to pay her back next time they meet and apologises profusely........

Dude you wanna apologise in your blog or wherever, do it yourself, why the hell did you bug the Potato to write your blog in your behalf about you and now u r putting words in his hands....here u wanna write u write...

no?

u don't wanna write?

why?

what?

The Prude has censured you??!!!

when? where?

In Facebook!!!!

Who cares about Facebook mate!!!!

And anyway Prudes will be Prudes...why are u even listening to admonishments from some1 who gets drunk on cranberry juice???!!!!!

Come back... people are already alarmed about the Potato's identity and are actually wasting valuable moolah calling up and enquiring!!!!

Its your wish...the Potato cannot be censured..he is not afraid of any Prudes or any Violent Dons......

Potato truely believes that the Pen is mightier than the Sword or rather the Keyboard is stronger than the...err...umm...oh damn!!!...well lets just say that the Keyboard is very strong

oh btw the Meister's ex-junior and ex-colleague Fatass Liesalot has taken a big bamboo, shined it up thoroughly and has stuck it straight up her own significantly big ass....the dimwit went and gave as reference the number of the Great Dictator, the 1 guy with whom she had problems and the 1 guy who had problems with her...and to compound the problem, when she inevitably received bad reviews, she compounded the problem manifold by doing what comes naturally to her.......lying

Potatonama Ch 2

2009-06-09T13:28:00.000+05:30

Well everybody knows that the Meister is a cultured debonair erudite gentleman. The Potato on the other hand is a shameless, amoral spud. They are two opposites of the universe like Yin and Yang (half of whom he met again recently btw :-))

Being totally shameless, the Potato recently gate-crashed a party at Fatass Laughsalot's place. To be fair to the Potato, he had called earlier to enquire about the availablity of time etc.....DevDulal was just too nice to tell him to 'foock off baldy'. Anyway he gatecrashed the party and even after realising the situation, shamelessly stayed there for a couple of hours all the while hogging sweets and icecream.

It was only when the hosts invited him to stay for dinner that he decided not to push his luck anymore and knuckled off.....(what prompted him to give off free food was some rare moment of courtesy [never stay at a couple's place for more than 2 hours, people feel uncomfortable...whether that's a general thing or Potato-specific uncomfort is another matter altogether...the Meister cares, the Potato doesn't]... along with the menu, which consisted of a salad liberally dressed with the hosts' blood and the food which gives horsepower to the horse)

So he knuckled off to get food for the Chunkubaaz and got invited by a whole plethora of people shouting at the top of their voices....Sexy Auntie had come back from the desert along with some imported alchohol

So the Potato went to that party and as mentioned above, met the Chinese Philophy Girl again, but true to form, couldn't remember her name....well it was a nice party....alcohol was flowing, India was scoring and certain people were making asses out of themselves (not the Potato though...he was elegance personified, even without underwear)

Athletic Salteater was there...first she became drunk and then she became high.....all the while she was hyper.

The Great Jelly was there...massacring alcohol by mixing things up into strange cocktails and then forcing people to drink them with a foocking spoon...btw in case u didnt know this girl can single-handedly ruin any bar, pub or restaurant which serves alcohol by serving some of the biggest shots in the history of drinking!!!

Prude was there...she got drunk on cranberry juice

And then there was the world's biggest muppet...a guy so stupid its actually impossible to find out whether he is farting or speaking!!! The dimwit regaled us with stories of a place in Medchal where he goes to get high by getting bitten by snakes...and then he said that God Guus was to blame for the manures' defeat...as he hadn't brought in 'Tavez' (sic) in d 1st half

Well, the Potato, being a guy who likes to do social service wants to help out the numbnut in his quest to get high........the Potato's foot in the dumbasses's ..well...ass

In the party, Potato met the 4th of the Ovung brothers...and guess what...the dude turned out to be as nice as the others.......metaphotical hats off to the Ovung parents for raising 4 such nice kids.......how their cousin turned out to be a Prude is anyone's guess!!!

Potatonama ch 1

2009-06-08T10:33:00.000+05:30

The Potato has to admit that the Meister's memory is almost as bad as that of an amnesiac amoeba. Not that the Potato's memory is much better mind you. This often leads to muppetesque situations especially when it comes to remembering the names of husbands of their friends....its one of them mental block thingies.

For the love of Chelsea, neither the Meister nor the Potato can rememeber the name of Frustratedalot's husband' name (either Nikhilesh or Nilanjan), BMG's husband's name (Meister thinks its Birupakhkho, the Potato is certain it starts with a vowel), or Agressive Sambarslurper's husband's name (shortlisted to Vikram, Vikas or Victor). The 2 of them have finally managed to learn Fatass Laughsalot's boyfriend's name ...but only after they became friends themselves...and btw the 2 are still of the opinion that the dude looks like a DevDulal. However Fatass Lieslalot's boyfriend's name (nice kid btw) will forever remain one of them mystery thingies.

The Potato has Landed

2009-06-03T09:51:00.000+05:30

Hullo, hullo......art thys thyng workyng???????????

This is the Mighty Potato speaking.

The Potato has decided to temporarily take over the Meister's blog since the Meister is taking time off from blogging. The Potato is a good friend of the Meister's, almost an alter-ego type thing. So he will continue to bring in exclusive scoops from the Meister's weird life.

eh? what was that? oh you are asking why the Meister is taking time off from his blog?

Well one of the reasons is that he is majorly pissed off with people not commenting on his blog. He has sort of lost the motivation. How hard is it to type in the words "nice" or "hideous" ..but no everybody has to be a descendant of Shakespeare.

Another reason for his absence is that he is mentally disturbed.

Meister has recently severed all relationship with the Special One. They had a blazing row via emails. Apparently there were umpteen number of !!!s. Words were said (or rather written) which on hindsight should not have been. She called him a disgrace to humanity, a stupid, selfish, moron etc; he called her a Manchester United supporter. Enough said.

To further complicate matters, the Great Indian Chunkuubaaz is going away to Gurgaon permanently. Apparently, he is tired of the lack of beautiful girls in Hyderabad and wants new pastures. So now the Meister has the added complication of searching for roomamtes.

To add to his woes, the Muppet disguised as his boss has suddenly decided to give him more and more work.

To put icing on the cake, the Meister has lost his debit card and he has no time to go to the bank and apply for a new one.

In one way at least, status quo has been maintained - the Meister still does not get a treat.

So overall the Meister is depressed and has requested his friend the Potato to take over the blog for the time being.

And responding to the SOB (Save our Blog), the Potato has Landed.

Sweet Fanny Adams and SS is in Luw

2009-05-22T19:17:00.000+05:30

So many news so little time. Some are worth "who cares" while some have epic potentials. You be the judge.

Meister's friend Talksalot has got a new hairstyle thereby turning it into - in her own words - an extravaganza. The Meister is quite astounded that despite the "extravaganza" she is quite ambisomething...u know one of them intellectual words which mean in 2 minds...about it. Trust a woman to be confused. Also, trust a woman to fork out 5k on hair where the money could have been used for something much more useful, i.e. treating the Meister.

One woman who is not confused is Don Violent Bluehead. So far her violence was more or less restricted to scaring the bejeejus out of the Meister....but according to trustworthy sources....her range of aggression has spilled over into newer channels...Apparently she has nowadays been going around kicking.....wait for it....."fannies".... she has also started some weird practices involving coffee, cocoa, hot water and the Balooning Accident (yeah yeah chimney kettle, people living in glass houses etc etc...but hey she once fell off the Meister's bike...which gives him the right etc etc). Being a good samaritan Meister naturally poined out the meaning of "fanny"...last heard she was feeling sheepish. That did not stop her from filtering the Meister on facebook though....damn

Meister's friend MS Brownjacket has recently started working on Sundays as well....bear in mind this is the same lady who refused to work beyond 6:30 on occassions during her sojourn in the Lawless Jungle. When asked about it she initially refused to admit it and then tried to pass the buck by making preposterous statements like Meister is a dedicated employee etc etc.

Now comes the breaking news, the highlight so to speak.

Meister's dear friend SS has finnnaaaaaly admitted that she is enamoured with the OCD Man and that it is precisely for this reason that she has been calling Meister by OCD's name for the last 2 years. One of the theories going around regarding why she quit from Lawless Jungle is that she couldn't stand the blooming romance between OCD Man and the LoudBossLady (who btw has a possibly negative IQ in terms of dress sense).

The Meister was further astounded to hear that the only reason he got the fan and the cd player was because Boss wanted to impress him so that he would say nice things about her to OCD. wow!!!!!

Well SS quit because she couldn't stand the man she fantasises about, the man of her dreams being woooed by another. She, however, was speechless, mortified, heartbroken etc etc when Meister informed her about the whole host of letters that flow between OCD and Boss, and the fact that OCD even writes her poems, or song lyrics to be precise. SS started to metaphorically sob upon hearing the news. The Meister fervently apologises to SS for unintenionally breaking her heart by disclosing OCD's secrets. In his defence he never knew the true extent of her infatuation and enamourment.

All he can say is OCD should have stuck with song lyrics as part of his wooing technique. Talking about 'pork' while attempting to serenade a girl never works.....well hopefully it doesn't...if it does then Meister will just lose all respect for womankind.

Meister has lost his debit card. Searching his fuzzy memory he has realised that he forgot to take it back after paying for ExLord Botanist's happy birthday. Since there is a total 84 rupeess left in his account, its not that big a loss. Anyway since the ExLord is perenially _pecked (insert animal of your choice), the Meister felt it right that he got something special for his birthday, ergo the Meister wrote him a poem. Its on facebook if anyone wants to read.

Sexy Party and the Prude who shouted Wolf

2009-05-18T12:55:00.003+05:30

The Meister recently went to see an animation movie....Monsters v Aliens. The Meister liked it, he especially liked the characters B.O.B and the Missing Link...which brings us to the question "Is Seth Rogen fooking brilliant or what????"....Superbad, Knocked Up, Zack and Miri Make a Porn, Kung Fu Panda, Pineapple Express and now this..the guy kicks ass.

Talking of kicking, Meister's friend Bete Barda kicked the bucket on Sunday after a long and painful struggle. Its a relief in some ways, the guy can finally rest in piece. Another good thing, the guy won't be rejected and derided by women anymore. Way to go buddy, enjoy the afterlife...hope there is beer.

Coincidentally both of this happened on the night of the party to celebrate the birthday of the Sexy Auntie. The Meister reached the party after watching the movie and eating a sub, a burger, an ice-cream and half a litre of sprite. And when he finally reached, there was no power. Instead there was the Motley Crue.

This being her party, Sexy Auntie was there, so was the Grand Old Linguist, so were OCD Man, MidasDude, Resident Bugger, Jellio, The Prude, Don Violent Bluehead et all.

The party was at Looserates, the abode of the Arseloving brothers - Perenniallyinjuredthung Ovung and ExPapaarazziwithaweirdnamephoneticallythung Ovung....the latter looked like and acted like he was stoned silly... making such propestorous statements like the Arsepuppies are gonna win next year etc etc

There were also Toothpastemodel and his sister, the former kept on shouting throughout the party, the latter kept on murmuring, smiling and reacting violently whenever the Meister looked at her.

There were also a drunk guy, Orange Longfour, Philosophy Girl and The Anoian TippyTapper.

There was good food, Danish beer (The Meister now has had Aussie beer, American beer, Indian beer and European beer..they all suck) and games galore.

There was Scrabble, which the Meister inevitably lost despite a lot of great help from Orange Longfour. His demand of a repoll and recount was violently supressed with a lot of muppetesqe comments from Jellio in particular. There were reasons for the demand of recount as a lot of tile-fixing went on between Don Violent and the Bugger, and Jellio herself acted as a spy. There were allegations of mathematical irregularities as well but the Meister's lone voice and demand for justice was again supressed by looks of intimidation and silent threats of physical harm from the Violent One.

Then there was UNO. It is a very confusing game devised and invented to test the Meister's patience and highlight the Bugger's bugging abilities.

Meister won twice. Nothing else needs to be told.

Well, it was a memorable night. The Meister reached home only around 3. Surprisingly Prude was still online. It was one of those extremely rare instances where Meister was invited to a party and the Meister had loads of fun.

He enjoyed the food, the games, the beautiful ladies and the sight of OCD Man trying to outrageously flirt with Violent Bluehead.......by......wait for it......talking about.......wait for it.............PORK.......yes people the muppet actually kept on talking about pork in his desperate and sad attempts at wooing.

Someone please please buy him the book "Flirting for Dummies".

All in all great times.........slightly marred later by...who else....the Prude.

She called up the Meister asking him to come to campus coz something has happened. The Meister thought something has happened to his beloved dogs. He was worried, anxious and about to spring into action when the Prude giggled and said that it was just a joke!!! Nothing has happened, she just wanted the Meister to worry.

What a Muppet!!!!!!!! Someone inform her about that old fable about the moron who cried Wolf

sad little man

2009-05-17T03:11:00.000+05:30

i am a simple stupid man with millions of character flaws who doesn't realise what is evident to all right thinking budhijibiis...hmm so that makes me a moron then

maybe i am....maybe i have been 'brainwashed by the decadent west'

all i know is that i spent an entire decade of my life terrified that i wont get a job...and that i will have to depend upon my parents for money all my life....and that they will be ashamed of me.....

because of the decadent west i am not afraid anymore, i am not terrified anymore...

because of decadent west my mother is alive today

because of decadent west if an accident happens to me today and i become an invalid or whatever...my parents wont have to sell their house to take care of me

hell because of evil decadent west i am alive today...because the evil decadent west gave me the ambulance, and gave me the medicine which makes me alive today

i dont know much of anything because i dont understand much

all i know is i am proud of being an indian

i am proud of being in a country where part of my hard earned money, the same money that i earn after working for 12 hours a day for weeks at an end, is going to fund research, and is going to help kids remain in academics, and is going to put food in the mouth of kids in villages....yes that happens btw under the govt sponsored midday meal scheme, kids throughout villages and cities in all govt schools get free breakfast and lunch.......school attendance amongst kids is at its highest ever

i am proud of being in a country where i can stand and say whatever i want to say

i am proud of being in a country where people are not shot and killed for demonstrating unlike evil UK or holy, honest, godly Pakistan, or the utopian socialist China

i am proud of being in a country where both RSS and MIM, JIM etc coexist

i am proud of being in a country where the prime minister is an economist and an-ex president a nuclear physicist

i am proud of being in a country where even the animals have rights, very few, but they do have.....unlike godly Pakistan or the utopian, socialistic China

i am proud of being in a country where healthcare is massively subsidised...under Rajiv Arogya Yojana as started by Reddy....where people of the lowest income group can avail treatment from expensive hospitals like Yashoda for virtually peanuts

i am proud of being in a country where millions are employed in loss making public sector units like ONGC are still run and will always run because it provides employment to millions and cheap gas and diesel etc to billions

(the subsidy ka money in all these cases comes from taxes from the evil western institutions btw)

i am proud of being in a country where parents, grandparents and teachers are still the most respected members

i am proud of being in a country where it really doesn't matter where i am from or what the colour of my skin is, or what language i speak...i can go and work and settle in any part of the country...(except kashmir where hindus are not allowed to settle btw........hundreds of thousands of hindus, virtually the whole hindu population was killed and driven off from the valley....now they live in refugee camps in jammu and delhi; and yet there have been no retaliation against anybody...gjarat was an one-off occurence and now it transpires that it was more economic than religious.....1 group wanted the businesses of another etc etc)

i am proud of being in acountry where electricity in every home is no a distant dream anymore with the coming of the nuclear reactors

i am proud of being in a country which opens its arms to people who have been persecuted for their religion, their views, or for what they have written in books....the same people who cant enter their own countries for fear of being killed can lead a normal life in this country...i am proud of that

i am proud of being in a country where the elderly get the utmost respect everywhere (despite the brainwashing by the evil decadent west)

i am proud of being in a country where a woman can do whatever she wants without fears of persecution and public flogging etc etc

i am proud of being in a country where there is no media censorship

i am proud of being in a country where people care about olive ridley turtles

i am proud of being in a country where you get free help everywhere (which speaks about human decency and humanity, despite being brainwashed by the evil west)

i am proud of being in a country with the ration card system where poor people get massively subsidised rice, wheat, pulses, oil and kerosene (despite us selling ourselves to the evil west who only cares about profits)

i am proud of....but whats the point of going on...we r part of the evil west now and so enemy of humanity

are we perfect...hell no....are there rooms for improvement...hell yes....are we going in the right direction....slowly yes

but hell we r evil bastards...we are allies of the decadent evil west

all that is about my country

i am a simple stupid man, selfish man with millions of other character flaws....

but i really do care about certain things...i care about freedom,

apart from that i care about my parents, i care about a girl in Bangladesh and i care about the ones who have no voice, to whit animals.....

i care about them because no one else particularly does (most definitely not society or the government) and because i love them from the bottom of my soul and ever shrinking heart

and i care about animals because most don't and someone has to

i dont read books about economics, about imperialism, about decadence, about our society, our culture

i do my work, i earn money...i keep some of that money to help my parents in old age...some is pend to make me happy...and some i give to people and animals who need it more than i do

i dont really like discussing politics or imperialism or socialism or the evil west,

i am practical and a fatalist....the world is doomed, to be precise human beings and most animals are doomed....with evolution some other creature may arise who knows...we arent staying

in my own sad little selfish brainwashed pathetic way i care about the present, i care about putting a smile in a kid's face or a wag in a dog's tail

i leave the philosophical important intellectual deliberations to people who are more intelligent than me and people who are probably hell certainly better human beings than me

me i am kinda content with my own sad little pathetic selfish brainwashed life.....not happy....never will be happy for some unavoidable and unchangeable circumstances...especially with my innumerable character flaws getting more and more evident to the one person who means the most to me in the world......and who by indications will slowly but surely get disillusioned and disdainful for me because of my sad little pathetic, brainwashed views and life

i will live my own sad little pathetic brainwashed life as it is, every day at a time,

i will help people and animals who need help,

i will speak for the ones who have no voice,

i will dream of a girl and love her all my life even though she thinks that in some way in some logic in some philosophy whatever happens to her doesnt matter to me

and finally i will die....that will be the end of my sad little pathetic, brainwashed life

these are just my sad, little, pathetic, brainwashed views about life etc.....i know it doesnt match to the high standards set by people much better than me (duh!!) but hell what to do

sometime in the future i will become a sort of a hermit, i will quit everything and go live with the animals in sandy's shelter... its better that way...the animals wont judge me and look down upon me....hate that...its probably an ego thing...see another character flaw...the animals wont care about how i look or what my views are...they will love me or who i am ... a smelly little man who gives them food and takes care of them and plays with them

and then around 60 will stop taking my medicine and bam...the end

Happy Week

2009-05-14T15:16:00.000+05:30

Well, it has been a pretty eventful week so far, and some critics have also opined that the week can be termed as "Happy days". so why have the days been happy?

Saturday was great coz the Meister went to the abode of the Resident Bugger where he met the aforementioned Bugger, OCD Man, MidasDude, SS and Miss Brownjacket, played a bit of weird criket, a bit of football and then went for dinner. They had dinner at Katriya de Royale (where Bugger got lost temporarily while parking). The food was nice, the sweets were btter, the company was awesome, and not even the fact that some fooker tried to ruin the whole thing by playing fooking KennyGesque saxophone tracks could spoil the evening for Meister. As free bonus entertainment The Meister got to ride home in an auto with OCD Man, which as anyone knows is free wholesome entertainment.

Sunday was great because Chelsea thumped the Arse boys.....it was quite pathetic actually.....it was like a bunch of professional football players playing against a group of teenagers. ......which btw prompted one of the Hopelessthung brothers to declare that Arsenal will be better next year...blah blah.....well they can hardly be worse can they......well on second thoughts, maybe they can...remember Benny's Newcastle??

Monday was great because the Meister recieved correspondence from the Special One, and replied back in the biggest fooking letter he has ever written..... Monday is also memorably coz one of Meister's colleagues cooked chicken for the whole office, another one got sweets, and the Boss got rotis and veg-biriyani.....all in all a pretty sumptuous affair

So thank you to

Epicya (now if only you could make my life easier by remembering subject-verb agreements),

Wina Aunty(now if only you could make my life easier by not using contractions everywhere), and Fraudas Hypocritus Maximus aka Boss (now if only you could make my life easier by going away to Mars)

Tuesday was great coz there were no powercuts. It is also great coz the Meister got feedback on his epic epistle - the Special One has unfortunately termed it as beauty-fooking-ful.

Wednesday was great coz Meister finally got one of them birthday party treat thingies.....dinner at Nanking. It was a double birthday - of Senorita Prudia Maxima and the Violent Bluehead. Poor Meister had to convince Prudia for an hour to get it.

Anyway it was a lovely dinner (duh) and he got to meet (apart from the bday ladies of course) Sexy Auntie, Smiley Jellio (who btw looks thinner if that's possible) and the Athletic Salteater after a long time. All in all good times, apart from a strange incident involving spoons. However, all the other patrons, waiters etc were looking at the Meister wondering 'whats this weirdo doing with 5 girls?'

The only problem was that Meister was a little bit scared of the fact there seemed to be a neverending supply of forks within easy reach of the Violent one, who apart from being the Don of the LOLZ mafia, had already threatened the Meister with grievious bodily harm.

But thankfully violence did not ensue and the Meister got home in one piece.

Now if only Uglygirl and the Doomed Animator would give their promised treats, the happy week would be complete.

Irony, thou art a Muppet and Benny, thou art a Prude

2009-05-11T16:02:00.000+05:30

Irony

This is one of them literary intellectual words which Meister had a problem with in his young formative years. He always thought that it is something made of ..well..irons.......you knows like ironic railings, ironic goalposts etc etc.

Another word which confused the Meister was 'oxymoron'. In an incident in school, he once almost knocked out a fellow student for saying something in the lines of the Meister being a monitor is an oxymoron as he is one of the most disturbing elements in the history of school. Meister thought that the guy was calling him a moronic ox and thus was charging towards the guy intending to knock the stuffing out of him when calmer, cooler, literary heads with significantly higher IQ levels manged to stop him and explained to him what the term means.

Anyway, anyone who knows the Meister or pretends to know the Meister or acts like he/she knows the Meister knows at least one thing.....that the Meister loves dogs (and Chelsea of course.....its like a part of his identity)......

In the same way being a prude is Benny's identity......those MSN Encarta people are right now deliberating on whether to include "Benny" as a synonym for the term "prude".

They are also deliberating on whether to add "Meister" as an antonym for "sissy", "Tasneem" as a synonym for "backstabber" and "Ayush Prasad" as a synonym/description/definition for idiot, moron, numbskull, jackass, loser, disgrace to humanity etc etc.

So since, Meister and dogs are made for each other, it is inevitable that some canine induced misfortune will befall the nutjobs who constitute his family.

Meister's esteemed uncle was apparently bicycling to the market, when he was viciously attacked by about a dozen dogs (well given the fact that Meister's family memebers are professional exagerators {if anyone says anything about spelling, then Meister will call said person a Muppet}, the truth is probably that a couple of dogs, maybe three chased the bicycles, and the esteemed uncle completely panicked, tried to outrun....err....outcycle the dogs, lost his balance and crashed. He is now the proud owner of a cracked temple, bruised ribs, numerous cuts etc etc.

This brings us to the final points......those eternal pesky questions really...like

Why do dogs chase vehicles?

Why does Arsene Wenger see only those fouls committed by the opposition and never sees any fouls committed by his own players?

What is the point of Ayush Prasad's existence?

Who will give tasneem the thorough spanking that she deserves?

and finally.....

Why o why is Benny, despite being a 20-21st century, allegedly modern, highly educated girl, still a PRUDE?

News

2009-05-09T15:20:00.000+05:30

There's good news and then there's bad news. Which one to tell first? It is one of them philosophical questions?

Well here goes...bad news first

1. Special One is sick :-(

2. Some motherfookers are again poisoning dogs in Ciefl

3. The Resident Bugger and MidasMan were robbed recently. Apparently, Bugger left the house without properly locking the door. Officially, the muppet did not wake up Midas because he wanted to be a good samaritan. Those who knows the dumbass knows that he did not wake up Midas and then forgot to properly lock/latch the door was because he was "tinking". The winsome twosome lost moblies, cameras etc. Thankfully noone was hurt.

4. Uglygirl promised Meister that she would give him a treat and then became incommunicado.

5. The Blues were robbed by UEFA, who have handed the trophy to the manures.

Now here's some good news

1. SS is free, finally free. She has escaped the prison that is QuisLex. She is now working in some micro-finance company (since Meister has a possible single-digit IQ, don't ask what micro-finance is). She is happy, she is walking home, reading books again etc etc. The Meister is so happy for her.

2. Meister's colleagues are gonna treat him to free lunch on Monday...wuhooooo

3. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz is not going to Chennai (he changed his decision once he realised that the vast majority of Tamil girls are conservative and not so good looking)

4. Meister's offcie has reently installed one of those coffee vending machines. The coffee is damn nice.

5. Brownie is still alive and healthy

Some other News

1. Benny is still a prude.

2. OCD Man is still valiantly continuing his crusade against illegal 1st class passengers.

Fooking Conspiracy, Benny the Prude and Lot's Wife

2009-05-07T18:25:00.000+05:30

Resuming his perennial battle with household furniture, the Meister broke his fooking chair night before yesternight.

He was just sitting on the damn thing watching tv and drinking copious amounts of cold Hech2O...when tragedy of epic proportions struck accompanied by what them intellectual types in their Latin will call "loudus bangus enurmus"; and the Meister found himself flat on the floor with his legs flapping around on air; and the Great Indian Chunkubaaz choking with laughter, the Muppet.

It has to be a fooking conspiracy since our resident superhero Krish had sat on that very chair quite comfortably only half an hour before without any sort of signs or premonitions about the ensuing catastrophe.

Fooking Chair

In other news, scientists and them intellectual literay types have managed to prove without a shadow of a doubt that the Newcastle loving Benny Summer Yanthan is indeed a prude of gigantic proportions. However, opinions differ on which age she actually belongs to. Some researchers have opined that Benny belongs in the Biblical times.

This point however has been vigorously contested by others, who claim that the Biblical people were no prudes as evidenced by the fact that they actually went ahead and named a city- Sodom.

These researchers claim that Benny actually belongs to the late medieval/ Vicorian ages. The debate continues. Nevertheless, they agree on the one undisputable fact that Benny is a prude.

Talking of Bible, Meister is wondering,

After Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt,

a) if anyone went ahead and ate that salt, and

b) did this individual later claim: "I ate Lot's wife, she was tasty"

The Commandments according to LordMeister

2009-04-28T09:57:00.000+05:30

The Meister follows certain codes in life. He did not hear or receive these codes or commandments on top of a hill from some mysterious light etc etc...so u muppets can relax...u aren't going to wander around the desert for the next few decades. Anyway, the Meister does not believe in preaching since he believes that humans are by and large muppets and so there is no point in telling good things to people because people are greedy, selfish, money hungry _s who do not give a crap about other people, animals, the earth etc etc.

As stated in an earlier post, Meister does not believe in any higher supreme power or god (though Gus Hiddink comes close). These are codes which he himself has developed. They are based on the principle that "If you do good things, good things will happen to you".

I) Thou shalt always always be kind to animals

no compromise, not even in the face of armageddon

II) Thou shalt never hit someone weaker than thou

This is especially true for kids and women...thou can defendeth thyself from attack by women but thou shalt not strike them...as far as kids go...let them be kids...sooner rather than later maternal bullying nagging and pressure will taketh a toll on their lives anyway. However, thou art allowed to beat up Ayush Prasad whenever a chance presenteth itself.

III) Thou shalt not cheat

Even though there might be morons present who art begging to be cheated, thou shalt desist from cheating them...thou shalt also desist from kicking their asses (exception: Ayush Prasad)

IV) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife/fiancee/ girlfriend

Thou can eyeth or voyeureth but thou shall not call them up, go to their house when thy friend is not around or flirt. Of course if the woman in question is a schoolfriend or collegefriend, rule does not apply...but again it brings up the philosophical question...can a woman be a friend of a man??

V) Thou shalt not lie

unless the truth will give thy parents mental and physical anguish.....in such cases, thou shalt shut thy mouth

VI) Thou shalt punch S Sreeshanth the first chance thou getteth

if thou never getteth a chance, then thou can go ahead and punch Ayush Prasad

VII) Thou shalt never trust or be close to a woman again

as women will inevitably lead to sufferings, lies, heartbreak, betrayal and pain...women are dangerous, selfish, cruel, vindictive

VIII) Thou shalt not be biased against any particular human race or religion

Thou shalt hate everyone equally and fairly. However, since the rule is for human races and religions, bias towards Pakistanis (who are inhuman monsters who should be annihilated) and Ayush Prasad (who has been disqualified from the human race) are allowed.

IX) Thou shalt not be jealous or envious of anybody or anything

Apart from the Special One's boyfriends and future husband

X) Thou shalt not live beyond 65

60 is the ideal age, additional 5 years for getting everything in order. If thou art not dead by natural causes by 65, then thou shall commit suicide.

A-foocking-men and halle-foocking-lujah

Bromances!!! What the Fuck!!!

2009-04-23T13:37:00.000+05:30

The Meister read a recent blog on empireonline about top 10 bromances in movies. Now, the first thing is whoever came up with the term should be shot.

The second thing is that Meister did not agree at all with the list. So here' s who Meister thinks should be on the list.

Shaun Of The Dead: Shaun (Simon Pegg) and Ed (Nick Frost)

This is a prime example of best friends forever. Despite Ed's complete uselessness in anything and everything, Simon sticks with him. Even when Ed turns into a zombie, Shaun leaves his girlfriend and runs off to play PS2 with Zombie Ed. Now that is what male friendship is all about...without interference from the pesky females.

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbaca:

The original tag team. What can you say about Chewbacca anyway. He is just the coolest sidekick/partner/friend ever. Chewbacca's hearfelt anguished shout when Han was being frozen is a moment worth billions....worth manly tears even.

Lethal Weapon: Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover):

They had wonderful chemistry all throughout the 4 movies. The duo were more like brothers than partners. Murtaugh's family was Riggs's family...they were so close. That did not mean Riggs did not play pranks on Murtaugh.

LOTR: Sam and Frodo (Sean Austin, Elijah Wood)

Hell these 2 travelled to the end of the world together and when Sam lifted Frodo over his shoulders and carried him those last few steps, it was an expression of extreme non-gay dude love.

Other fine examples of non-gay dude couples:

Bill S. Preston (Alex Winters) & Ted "Theodore" Logan (Keaunu Reeves)
Harold and Kumar (Kal Penn and John Cho)
Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys (Will Smith, Martin Lawrence)
Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) and Saul Silver (James Franco) in Pineapple Express
Starsky (Ben Stiller) and Hutch (Owen Wilson)
Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson in the Shanghai series
the whole crew of the Ocean series
Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung (forgotten the name but they were playing brothers)

Stupid Life

2009-04-20T23:10:00.000+05:30

Everytime something good happens to the Meister, something worse immediately follows. Chelsea beats Liverpool and Arsenal and kicks both of them out of competitions...happy days right? Wrong...ecstacy did not even stay for 24 hours...u ask why? Well because the Meister received news that is as painful as being kicked in the balls....the Special One is seeing someone.....it is expected...hell in this world beautiful nice girls don't stay unattached for wrong...and since she had already told the Meister that even if he was the last man on the planet, she still wouldn't consider him as a parner, Meister can't claim that she betrayed him or anything.....but it fucking hurts nonetheless (though no fault of hers, she has every right to be happy)...so once again its goodbye ecstacy, hullo depression...:-(

There is no God

2009-04-15T10:24:00.000+05:30

The Meister's friend Piku had an accident on Thursday. The guy's leg had to be amputated, he is still in a semi-coma, his kidneys are not working, his pelvic bones are crushed, gangrene is spreading etc etc etc.

It got the Meister thinking of the numerous accidents that the Meister himself has been invoved in over the years. Call it a miracle or whatever, the max that the Meister ever had to suffer was a wandering spinal cord and back bone.

The Meister's mom and others praise god for this. The Meister does not believe in any individual(s) called god or whatever. If there really is an omnipotent omniscient being, then he/she is responsible for all the accidents, misery, misfortune and Pakistan that the world has to endure. If he/she is responsible for all this, then he/she does not deserve our respect, devotion etc. If he/she is not responsible then he/she is not god.

You just can't beat Karma

2009-04-09T20:54:00.000+05:30

Nope, you can't......what goesth around, cometh around. The Meister firmly believes this and thus he tries his best to never hurt anyone. In fact he always tries to help people whenever he can. Take today for example. The Meister was walking towards the main road to catch an auto when he saw a kid struggling with one of those big ass vans which ppl use to sell fruit. It was a steep incline and the kid was really in a bad condition. So the Meister went ahead and pushed the cart all the way to the main road, thereby atracting incredulous stares from passersby.

Anyway Karma came into the picture a bit later when Meister's auto conked off near rail nilayam. The Meister was stranded, he was getting late for office when a dude kindly stooped and offered him a lift till sangeet xroads, where Meister promptly got another auto.

karma works in mysterious ways indeed......