Ahh, the dorks, those perennial victims in movies...those outstanding citizens who are the butt of everybody's jokes...the ones who never get the girls in colleges (well unless the dorks are girls, in which case, they never get the hunks)..but who end up being heroes - every single nutter one of them.
We start in distant antiquity...a few years after the species pondered on and eventually voted for its as yet greatest (Special One bound to disagree) career decision - to branch off and to come down from the trees.
You see there was this fat lazy bugger, who hated walking, running, hunting and any other type of exercise so much that he never went out, the neandhertal just stayed in his cave all day fiddling with stuff. he was so anipathic to locomotion that he was forever thinking of something that will carry him with minimum effort - and after a few hiccups and swearings, voila - he got the wheel...bless ye laddie bless ye, ye probably got a girl, but you have made the Meister's life much much much easier.
We Indians have traditionally been uber-lazy asses (a tradition Meister is whole-heartedly upholding). As a result, we have always spoken highly of dorks. Dorks have always been respected and venerated here. And we have had and still continue to hav a massive plethora of dorks....liberally interspaced by complete and utter nerds. We are perhaps the only country in the world where physical prowess is frowned upon. And the biggest dork in our history probably is Aryabhatta. Great man - but total dork.
The man proposed that the earth rotates on an axis. He developed the since, cosine etc and so gave birth to trigonometry (why man why), he did weird things to algebra and that number pi, he more or less accurately calculated the circumference of the planet and the length of the sidereal rotations and sidereal years. He explained eclipses.
But perhaps his greatest achievement, and the one for which he is really famous is the invention of absolutely nothing. Yes people, the legend invented 0. Seriously people, think about how big dork person has to be to invent nothingness. As one of the mancient Brahmins, there is a distinct probability that he never went near a woman.
Another legenday dork was that German fella Guttenberg. The fella invented/created the printing press..(though he later bankrupt.....Bible? Bible? come on man, if you want money, fame and readership print either a footy magazine or erotic stories). According to wiki, he never got married either.
Another famous dork has been ole Leonardo. The man is widely thought of as the most diversely talented man in history (well thought of by everybody except the memebers of the Creature Fan Club...who believe Creature to be the most taleneted creature ever). The man is famous for his paintings of the Last Supper, the Vitruvian Man and Mona Ogg. He also conceptualised a hang glider, a helicopter, a tank, a calculator an automated bobbin winder and a machine for testing the tensile strength of wire. He did lots of research on optics, anatomy etc. But the thing is he never got a girl. What a dork though.
Now we come to ole Sir Isaac. A man so big a dork that instead of spending his free times talking to girls, he used to go and sit below apple trees. A man so legendary a dork that when a neighbourhood rowdy threw an apple at him, instead of throwing it back or eating it, he deveoped the notion of gravity. Suffice to say no girl ever came within a mile of him.
The new generation dorks - Bill Gates, Sergei and Larry have bucked the trend - they got the money, the lespect and the goils, thus fulfilling the ancient Biblical prophesy that the dorks shall inherit the earth.
So here's to ye dorks, ye certainly made the Meister's life much easier.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Heil Meister
Well, the Meister has done it, he has done it people.
Today morning, while coming to office, Meister's bike put up a cease work notice and went to sleep.
Meister was like "wooo mama, now what am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do".
Passerbyes on the road were treated to a spectacle of an elephantine man moving around like a headless chicken.
Then in one of his rare moments of mental lucidity, Meister had the brainwave of calling his mechanic dude. The dude told Meister, "check the fuse".
The Meister was about to ask "what's a fuse?", when in another moment of awe-inspiring inspiration he changed it to "where's the fuse?"
Upon hearing of the location, Meister pulled up his shirtsleeves (not an easy task as he was wearing a half-sleeved shirt), and then unlocked and pulled out his battery (man that was heavy) and unscrewed the fuse.
He then got the replacement fuse and screwed it into the battery (sigh that was possibly the only time in Meister's life where he managed to fit a long thing in a hole and screw anything...poor Meister)
And voila, the thing came back to life.
So, once again the Meister has managed to prove to the world that, despite all evidence to the contrary, and in spite of numerous allegations from the cultural studies hypocrites,
Meister is not a complete waste of oxygen and space.
He rocks.
Today morning, while coming to office, Meister's bike put up a cease work notice and went to sleep.
Meister was like "wooo mama, now what am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do".
Passerbyes on the road were treated to a spectacle of an elephantine man moving around like a headless chicken.
Then in one of his rare moments of mental lucidity, Meister had the brainwave of calling his mechanic dude. The dude told Meister, "check the fuse".
The Meister was about to ask "what's a fuse?", when in another moment of awe-inspiring inspiration he changed it to "where's the fuse?"
Upon hearing of the location, Meister pulled up his shirtsleeves (not an easy task as he was wearing a half-sleeved shirt), and then unlocked and pulled out his battery (man that was heavy) and unscrewed the fuse.
He then got the replacement fuse and screwed it into the battery (sigh that was possibly the only time in Meister's life where he managed to fit a long thing in a hole and screw anything...poor Meister)
And voila, the thing came back to life.
So, once again the Meister has managed to prove to the world that, despite all evidence to the contrary, and in spite of numerous allegations from the cultural studies hypocrites,
Meister is not a complete waste of oxygen and space.
He rocks.
Epic Fail
Recently, there has been a lot of negative feedback regarding the Meisterblog. And strangely, surprisingly and sadly, its been regarding the Meister's deep dislike and disgust of a certain creature (and its mentor). It seems that said creature has so succesfully managed to brainwash the populace that they see nowt wrong in mollycoddling and supporting said creature. The populace have now taken to spewing forth claims that Meister is unnecessarily harsh on said creature and that Meister will be sued etc.
Said creature hasn't had the balls to say anything (no surprises there); said creature's so-called-mentor tried and was ordered to piss off - these two, by the way have their heads stuck so far up each other's ass that they can only see, smell, hear, taste the world through a pile of deepshit
All that the Meister can say in this matter is that:
1. The PC brigade (or the brigade which has had courage surgically removed from their essence) still hasn't managed to castrate the Meister and never will till his dying breath (coming very soon to a hospital near you). Whatever else the Meister is, he ain't a foocking hypocrite he will say the same thing to someone's face and to his back - unlike most people who will be all lovey dovey and very nice to the face and all bitchy once the back is turned
2. Meister has lost faith in a humanity (yes yes again) which sees fit to support said creature and that they deserve whatever comes their way.
Meister gives up. He expected better from certain people, well he should have known better.
All Meister requests, and requests fervently, is for the populace to leave him alone and to never utter the name of the said creature in his presence. The AP Fan Club can love him, adore him, support him, put him on a throne, put him on their heads, lick his ass - whatever.
Meister doesn't care anymore. Its just an epic failure of humanity.
Rant over.
Now, talking of epic failsures, Meister was recently thinking about what will constitute the Top 10 Epic Fails in History. Here's what he could think of.
1. Inalchuk, governor of Otrar, killing the envoys of (and consequently pissing off) Ghenzis Khan
Way to go dumbass, you are single-handedly resposible for the complete ands utter destruction of your empire and your people....not to mention getting liquid silver poured into your eyes, ears nose etc etc
2. Napolean invading Russia
Invading the Austrians and the Spaniards (seriously everyone beats these 2, they are like the whipping boys of the western world) and invading the Russians - not the same thing eh?
On an aside only 1 group has ever successfully manged to invade Russia and thats those Mongols (who probably considered the Russian winter as springtime).
3. Paris eloping with Helen
The wife of the King of Sparta? When the brother of the said king is the bloody King of Athens and can call upon the King of Ithaca (never mind Achilles).... Seriously??
If love is blind, then someone should have taught this lad Braille. Numbnut
4. Ravana abducting Sita
Well at least Ravana can plead ignorance, he thought he was just abducting some forest dweller. You should have thought with your head, not your balls dude...and oh you should never have listened to Surpanakha
5. Porus using elephants on the river bank against Alexander
Mobility my dear Sir, mobility.
Ok, so he was defending his realm and showed real heroism etc etc but great millitary strategist he ain't. Well can't really blame him. Our (Indian) history is full of brilliant geniuses of battlefield tacticians.
6. Charge of the Light Brigade
Speaking of complete and utter incompetence
7. Whoever constructed/founded Pompey
Hey look this looks like such a beautiful place. Its just under a foocking volcano, why don't we build a city here
8. The Austrian and French armies, and oh also the Spanish
The Austrians have never won anything. Absolutely nothing. Why they ever bothered to have an army is beyond the Meister.
The Spaniards have created mass genocide when the opposition had bows and arrows etc but have had their asses handed out to them from Francis Drake to Nelson to Napolean right down to Simon Boliver.
The French, oh boy the French, the last and only French winner was that William, Duke of Normandy and that was 1066......they haven't won anything since.
9. Marcus Antonius (can't be arsed to Wiki him and get his full name)
Dude, making speeches are all well and good, but did you seriously have to piss off Octavian by declaring Ceaserion as the heir of Julius? You would think someone would have better sense than to oppose the most popular and powerful man of the empire.
10. Admit it, you thought this was going to be about said creature's parents fucking without protection thereby giving rise to such a disgusting reprehensible waste of oxygen, didn't you?
Nope, no 10 refers to Meister falling in love - it has only led to doom, gloom, misery, heartbreak and all other kinds of sad stuff. The iconic idiot should have stuck to cake and footy but no like a dynamic dumdum he decided to wade in waters he has been disqualified from.
Sigh
Well, its not all bad, it has given Meister a reason to look forward to his impending death - he wants to go the afterlife and give the soul of Tennyson the world's biggest wedgie. Better to have Loved and lost Meister's ass.
Said creature hasn't had the balls to say anything (no surprises there); said creature's so-called-mentor tried and was ordered to piss off - these two, by the way have their heads stuck so far up each other's ass that they can only see, smell, hear, taste the world through a pile of deepshit
All that the Meister can say in this matter is that:
1. The PC brigade (or the brigade which has had courage surgically removed from their essence) still hasn't managed to castrate the Meister and never will till his dying breath (coming very soon to a hospital near you). Whatever else the Meister is, he ain't a foocking hypocrite he will say the same thing to someone's face and to his back - unlike most people who will be all lovey dovey and very nice to the face and all bitchy once the back is turned
2. Meister has lost faith in a humanity (yes yes again) which sees fit to support said creature and that they deserve whatever comes their way.
Meister gives up. He expected better from certain people, well he should have known better.
All Meister requests, and requests fervently, is for the populace to leave him alone and to never utter the name of the said creature in his presence. The AP Fan Club can love him, adore him, support him, put him on a throne, put him on their heads, lick his ass - whatever.
Meister doesn't care anymore. Its just an epic failure of humanity.
Rant over.
Now, talking of epic failsures, Meister was recently thinking about what will constitute the Top 10 Epic Fails in History. Here's what he could think of.
1. Inalchuk, governor of Otrar, killing the envoys of (and consequently pissing off) Ghenzis Khan
Way to go dumbass, you are single-handedly resposible for the complete ands utter destruction of your empire and your people....not to mention getting liquid silver poured into your eyes, ears nose etc etc
2. Napolean invading Russia
Invading the Austrians and the Spaniards (seriously everyone beats these 2, they are like the whipping boys of the western world) and invading the Russians - not the same thing eh?
On an aside only 1 group has ever successfully manged to invade Russia and thats those Mongols (who probably considered the Russian winter as springtime).
3. Paris eloping with Helen
The wife of the King of Sparta? When the brother of the said king is the bloody King of Athens and can call upon the King of Ithaca (never mind Achilles).... Seriously??
If love is blind, then someone should have taught this lad Braille. Numbnut
4. Ravana abducting Sita
Well at least Ravana can plead ignorance, he thought he was just abducting some forest dweller. You should have thought with your head, not your balls dude...and oh you should never have listened to Surpanakha
5. Porus using elephants on the river bank against Alexander
Mobility my dear Sir, mobility.
Ok, so he was defending his realm and showed real heroism etc etc but great millitary strategist he ain't. Well can't really blame him. Our (Indian) history is full of brilliant geniuses of battlefield tacticians.
6. Charge of the Light Brigade
Speaking of complete and utter incompetence
7. Whoever constructed/founded Pompey
Hey look this looks like such a beautiful place. Its just under a foocking volcano, why don't we build a city here
8. The Austrian and French armies, and oh also the Spanish
The Austrians have never won anything. Absolutely nothing. Why they ever bothered to have an army is beyond the Meister.
The Spaniards have created mass genocide when the opposition had bows and arrows etc but have had their asses handed out to them from Francis Drake to Nelson to Napolean right down to Simon Boliver.
The French, oh boy the French, the last and only French winner was that William, Duke of Normandy and that was 1066......they haven't won anything since.
9. Marcus Antonius (can't be arsed to Wiki him and get his full name)
Dude, making speeches are all well and good, but did you seriously have to piss off Octavian by declaring Ceaserion as the heir of Julius? You would think someone would have better sense than to oppose the most popular and powerful man of the empire.
10. Admit it, you thought this was going to be about said creature's parents fucking without protection thereby giving rise to such a disgusting reprehensible waste of oxygen, didn't you?
Nope, no 10 refers to Meister falling in love - it has only led to doom, gloom, misery, heartbreak and all other kinds of sad stuff. The iconic idiot should have stuck to cake and footy but no like a dynamic dumdum he decided to wade in waters he has been disqualified from.
Sigh
Well, its not all bad, it has given Meister a reason to look forward to his impending death - he wants to go the afterlife and give the soul of Tennyson the world's biggest wedgie. Better to have Loved and lost Meister's ass.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Meistelligence Quotient
When Meister was a wee lil nipper and has not fully metamorphosed into the complete basketcase that he is today, Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion once took him to one of them Psycho dudes. Come to think of it it was after them days when Meister got hold of a scissor and cut away clumps of his own hair....hmm
Meister was told that they were going to conduct one of them IQ test thingies.
Them IQ thingies eh, supposedly they measure a person's intelligence.
Anyway Meister sat down to take the test......the dude kept showing the Meister them shadow picture thingies..................Meister kept on guessing its a footy match, its a tackle, thats a goal, thats a red card, thats offside, thats a naked woman, that's 2 naked women eating cake etc etc, and the investigator dude kept on sighing and shaking his head...
Once the test got over, Meister went and sat in the corner and chatted with the voices in his head while the dude talked to the Esteemed Nutter. Meister later asked the Nutter how good he did and the Nutter told him "you did well", "you are special sunshine" etc. She did have tears in her eyes at the moment. Meister thought thats tears of pride (later events and Meistric actions have confirmed that they were tears of sorrow, misery heartbreak etc etc).
For a long time, Meister could not figure out how the calculation etc was done though.....
It was only recently that after intense cogitation............. (Meister loves that word - cogitation - it makes the Meister feel like he is doing something worthwhile, instead of, you know, his typical stance of staring vacantly in spcae and dreaming of cake - Meister is cogitating seems so much better than Meister is thinking of cake).......................that Meister began to suspect that something was amiss. It couldn't have been an IQ test. It could only have been a psycho test where the results predicted how the Meister was gonna end up.
Anyway to come to the subject of IQ test,
according to Free-IQTest.net, Meister has a score of 142,
according to iqtestfree.net
"Number of correct answers: 10/10
Your level: Very superior intelligence. Are you a possible genius or near genius? 1% of people who passed the test got this score."
according to IQtest.com, it is 130
accroding to intelligencetest.com: "Your age adjusted IQ score is 129 and the average score of all test takers is 100."
and according to http://www.highiqsociety.org/iq_tests/testresults_pass.php
"YOUR IQ SCORE IS:
125
Your score places you in the top five percent of the population"
So despite claims and beliefs of certain section of the poluace who go around quoting Foucalt and Derrida and use words such as hegemony and post-modernism, it seems Meister is quite as smart guy (though being a complete basketcase).
Very nice, high five etc etc.
Anyway, according to http://www.iqtest.com/faq.html#chart
Intelligence Interval Cognitive Designation
40 - 54 Severely challenged (Less than 1% of test takers)
55 - 69 Challenged (2.3% of test takers)
70 - 84 Below average
85 - 114 Average (68% of test takers)
115 - 129 Above average
130 - 144 Gifted (2.3% of test takers)
145 - 159 Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)
160 - 175 Extraordinary genius
So even according to the chart, Meister is gifted. But enough about the Meister, let's talk about the ones on the other side.
As you can see above, 40-54 are considered severely challenged.
Meister wants to add a few more levels though.
25- 39 - imbeciles (examples of this lot can be found amongst people who believe that the sun rises and sets out of Lord Fergie's nose)
10 - 24 idiotic mornonic dumbasses (examples of this lot can be found amongst the dog killing intelligentsia of EFLU and amogst the HR Department of every organisation in the world)
That brings us to an IQ level of less than 10.
Is it possible you ask?
Yes people it is possible. Although to be fair, only 1 creature in the planet has ever managed to attain such a nadir.
Truth be told, there is a school of though which belives that said person should either have 0 or possibly a
-ve IQ level.
However, most critics have rightly opined that anyone who can exhibit such an astonishing level of hand-eye-bollock co-ordination as to burn his own bollocks deserves a positive IQ. However considering that the man is incapable of rational or logical thought and that only bullshit comes out of his mouth, he can't get more than 10.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Meister presents to you - Ayush Prasad.
Meister was told that they were going to conduct one of them IQ test thingies.
Them IQ thingies eh, supposedly they measure a person's intelligence.
Anyway Meister sat down to take the test......the dude kept showing the Meister them shadow picture thingies..................Meister kept on guessing its a footy match, its a tackle, thats a goal, thats a red card, thats offside, thats a naked woman, that's 2 naked women eating cake etc etc, and the investigator dude kept on sighing and shaking his head...
Once the test got over, Meister went and sat in the corner and chatted with the voices in his head while the dude talked to the Esteemed Nutter. Meister later asked the Nutter how good he did and the Nutter told him "you did well", "you are special sunshine" etc. She did have tears in her eyes at the moment. Meister thought thats tears of pride (later events and Meistric actions have confirmed that they were tears of sorrow, misery heartbreak etc etc).
For a long time, Meister could not figure out how the calculation etc was done though.....
It was only recently that after intense cogitation............. (Meister loves that word - cogitation - it makes the Meister feel like he is doing something worthwhile, instead of, you know, his typical stance of staring vacantly in spcae and dreaming of cake - Meister is cogitating seems so much better than Meister is thinking of cake).......................that Meister began to suspect that something was amiss. It couldn't have been an IQ test. It could only have been a psycho test where the results predicted how the Meister was gonna end up.
Anyway to come to the subject of IQ test,
according to Free-IQTest.net, Meister has a score of 142,
according to iqtestfree.net
"Number of correct answers: 10/10
Your level: Very superior intelligence. Are you a possible genius or near genius? 1% of people who passed the test got this score."
according to IQtest.com, it is 130
accroding to intelligencetest.com: "Your age adjusted IQ score is 129 and the average score of all test takers is 100."
and according to http://www.highiqsociety.org/iq_tests/testresults_pass.php
"YOUR IQ SCORE IS:
125
Your score places you in the top five percent of the population"
So despite claims and beliefs of certain section of the poluace who go around quoting Foucalt and Derrida and use words such as hegemony and post-modernism, it seems Meister is quite as smart guy (though being a complete basketcase).
Very nice, high five etc etc.
Anyway, according to http://www.iqtest.com/faq.html#chart
Intelligence Interval Cognitive Designation
40 - 54 Severely challenged (Less than 1% of test takers)
55 - 69 Challenged (2.3% of test takers)
70 - 84 Below average
85 - 114 Average (68% of test takers)
115 - 129 Above average
130 - 144 Gifted (2.3% of test takers)
145 - 159 Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)
160 - 175 Extraordinary genius
So even according to the chart, Meister is gifted. But enough about the Meister, let's talk about the ones on the other side.
As you can see above, 40-54 are considered severely challenged.
Meister wants to add a few more levels though.
25- 39 - imbeciles (examples of this lot can be found amongst people who believe that the sun rises and sets out of Lord Fergie's nose)
10 - 24 idiotic mornonic dumbasses (examples of this lot can be found amongst the dog killing intelligentsia of EFLU and amogst the HR Department of every organisation in the world)
That brings us to an IQ level of less than 10.
Is it possible you ask?
Yes people it is possible. Although to be fair, only 1 creature in the planet has ever managed to attain such a nadir.
Truth be told, there is a school of though which belives that said person should either have 0 or possibly a
-ve IQ level.
However, most critics have rightly opined that anyone who can exhibit such an astonishing level of hand-eye-bollock co-ordination as to burn his own bollocks deserves a positive IQ. However considering that the man is incapable of rational or logical thought and that only bullshit comes out of his mouth, he can't get more than 10.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Meister presents to you - Ayush Prasad.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Eflutania
The Republic of Eflutania was a happy place, a vibrant place. Muppets and humans alike used to come from far far kingdoms to come and bask in Eflutania's glory and grandeur.
Amongst the Directors of Eflutania were the Brown Baroness and the Fat Sun Queen of LeftHandland. There was also Count Luigi di Jimborghini.
The Brown Baroness was an exceptional ruler and all creatures big and small flourished under her benevolent rule.
The Fat Sun Queen, on the other hand, was an imperious, aggressive dictator who ruled with an iron claw. Everyone who came into her land had to pay her homage etc etc.
The Count was just a stupid bastard who slept around a lot.
In this Republic came a messiah called the Sandman. He brought lots of gifts for the residents. The residents appointed him the advisor. Under his advice, Eflutania flourished so much that people started calling it the Golden Age. One notable thing of this era was the arrival of Footy in the Republic.
Gradually, under his advice and leadership, the rulers appointed many champions and knights - valiant heroes and heroines all. One by one came the Literary Worshipper, MachoMan Mishra, The Snifferman, Jonny Honey (who kept touching himself) and Don UberAntel. There were a few other soldiers etc also.
Of course there were some false characters as well - those who came just to steal glory. Ayush Prasad (who wanted to impress girls) and The Pampered Princess (who as it turned out came in search of a slave; after finding one, she hotfooted out of the place abandoning her roles and duties etc)
And then there was an extremely ugly orc called Fat Uncle Cheapo. He wasn't good for much, but he was there.
Anyway, one day the Sandman the Messiah declared that "my work here is done". He left to spread the message in distant and far-off lands. The knights were still there so everthing was hunky-dory.
The orc was kicked out (possibly for being too stupid and ugly). However, the orc kept coming in surreptitiously to meet the residents.
After a few months, things started to become bad. Battles and skirmishes broke out regularly.
And then there was an invasion from Bhaialand. It was led by the 2 evil brothers - Abbey Bhaia and Hijra Bhaia.
The Republic of Eflutania fell.
One by one the knights also fell. Snifferman went away for the lure of women, money and for a place to sniff in peace. Machoman Mishra retired. Jonny Honey went away to find a place where he would be able to touch himself in solitude. The situation soon became so dire that only the Literary Worshipper and the Don UberAntel was left.
The evil brothers soon started secret negotiations with all the Dumbasses, Assholes, Bastards, Motherfuckers, Sadists and Asslickers and of course the hypocrites. They wanted to take over the entire place and kill all the residents.
They started off with their pogrom by poisoning the residents. Despite the valiant efforts by the knights, one by one the residents fell.
The orc then started coming regularly to sutain the resistance. However, he was once caught by the Abbey Bhaia, who promptly banished him from the evil kingdom.
And then they poisoned the Brown Baroness.
Upon hearing of it, the orc once again came in (despite the ban) and secretly whisked away the Baroness to his lair. There she remained, and fought with the poison for days. But the poison was too strong.
The Baroness died.
The persecution of the residents continued intermittently.
But the evil ones were not satisfied. So they issued killing orders for all the other residents - including The Fat Sun Queen and The Count Jimborghini.
Luckily the loyal knights - Literary Worshipper and Don Uber got to know of the plan in time and managed to smuggle the Queen and the Count away to safety.
They now reside in the orc's lair.
Amongst the Directors of Eflutania were the Brown Baroness and the Fat Sun Queen of LeftHandland. There was also Count Luigi di Jimborghini.
The Brown Baroness was an exceptional ruler and all creatures big and small flourished under her benevolent rule.
The Fat Sun Queen, on the other hand, was an imperious, aggressive dictator who ruled with an iron claw. Everyone who came into her land had to pay her homage etc etc.
The Count was just a stupid bastard who slept around a lot.
In this Republic came a messiah called the Sandman. He brought lots of gifts for the residents. The residents appointed him the advisor. Under his advice, Eflutania flourished so much that people started calling it the Golden Age. One notable thing of this era was the arrival of Footy in the Republic.
Gradually, under his advice and leadership, the rulers appointed many champions and knights - valiant heroes and heroines all. One by one came the Literary Worshipper, MachoMan Mishra, The Snifferman, Jonny Honey (who kept touching himself) and Don UberAntel. There were a few other soldiers etc also.
Of course there were some false characters as well - those who came just to steal glory. Ayush Prasad (who wanted to impress girls) and The Pampered Princess (who as it turned out came in search of a slave; after finding one, she hotfooted out of the place abandoning her roles and duties etc)
And then there was an extremely ugly orc called Fat Uncle Cheapo. He wasn't good for much, but he was there.
Anyway, one day the Sandman the Messiah declared that "my work here is done". He left to spread the message in distant and far-off lands. The knights were still there so everthing was hunky-dory.
The orc was kicked out (possibly for being too stupid and ugly). However, the orc kept coming in surreptitiously to meet the residents.
After a few months, things started to become bad. Battles and skirmishes broke out regularly.
And then there was an invasion from Bhaialand. It was led by the 2 evil brothers - Abbey Bhaia and Hijra Bhaia.
The Republic of Eflutania fell.
One by one the knights also fell. Snifferman went away for the lure of women, money and for a place to sniff in peace. Machoman Mishra retired. Jonny Honey went away to find a place where he would be able to touch himself in solitude. The situation soon became so dire that only the Literary Worshipper and the Don UberAntel was left.
The evil brothers soon started secret negotiations with all the Dumbasses, Assholes, Bastards, Motherfuckers, Sadists and Asslickers and of course the hypocrites. They wanted to take over the entire place and kill all the residents.
They started off with their pogrom by poisoning the residents. Despite the valiant efforts by the knights, one by one the residents fell.
The orc then started coming regularly to sutain the resistance. However, he was once caught by the Abbey Bhaia, who promptly banished him from the evil kingdom.
And then they poisoned the Brown Baroness.
Upon hearing of it, the orc once again came in (despite the ban) and secretly whisked away the Baroness to his lair. There she remained, and fought with the poison for days. But the poison was too strong.
The Baroness died.
The persecution of the residents continued intermittently.
But the evil ones were not satisfied. So they issued killing orders for all the other residents - including The Fat Sun Queen and The Count Jimborghini.
Luckily the loyal knights - Literary Worshipper and Don Uber got to know of the plan in time and managed to smuggle the Queen and the Count away to safety.
They now reside in the orc's lair.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Balls
Yes balls
Balls and Meister have a deep and intimate connection....and by that Meister doesn't not mean his own balls. Those useless pieces of crap hanging between the Meisterlegs have long ago stopped working demanding work.
Meister means football.
See, the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry (except doggies). Sooner or later everybody rejects the Meister - its kinda like the national pastime actually. Even Meister's own body parts have recently joined the exodus so to speak.
So in this whirlwind of rejection, it was extremely satisfying and gratifying for the Meister to realise that footy still hasn't.
He is as fat as a hippopotamus and as unfit as Ayush Prasad's brain, but hey, his footy skills are still top notch. Despite being the world's heaviest goalkeeper, he played a large and successful part in his team finishing 3rd in he recently concluded footy tournament.
Of course he wasn't in Buffonesque territory, but he did make quite a few saves, some of them quite good saves also, and he flapped and jumped around the place, with not a single iota of thought about the repercussions on his body, like a baboon on steroids.
What's the most gratifying thing is that his team mates appreciated his efforts.......in this sea of rejection, abuse and criticism, its like a beacon of joy....the Meister is not completely and utterly useless.
The Meister abides..or rather the Meister's footy skills abide.
Oh btw, on the subject of balls, our dear ol Taco Bell Girl has recently discovered that she possesses some mysterious super power - and a super power that makes all men flinch in fear also (except the Meister - who has nothing really to lose and Ayush - who is too stupid to notice anything and has anyway burnt his).
Yes people, that's right, she can make balls disappear from her hands!!!!!!
Poor future husband is all the Meister can say in this matter
Balls and Meister have a deep and intimate connection....and by that Meister doesn't not mean his own balls. Those useless pieces of crap hanging between the Meisterlegs have long ago stopped working demanding work.
Meister means football.
See, the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry (except doggies). Sooner or later everybody rejects the Meister - its kinda like the national pastime actually. Even Meister's own body parts have recently joined the exodus so to speak.
So in this whirlwind of rejection, it was extremely satisfying and gratifying for the Meister to realise that footy still hasn't.
He is as fat as a hippopotamus and as unfit as Ayush Prasad's brain, but hey, his footy skills are still top notch. Despite being the world's heaviest goalkeeper, he played a large and successful part in his team finishing 3rd in he recently concluded footy tournament.
Of course he wasn't in Buffonesque territory, but he did make quite a few saves, some of them quite good saves also, and he flapped and jumped around the place, with not a single iota of thought about the repercussions on his body, like a baboon on steroids.
What's the most gratifying thing is that his team mates appreciated his efforts.......in this sea of rejection, abuse and criticism, its like a beacon of joy....the Meister is not completely and utterly useless.
The Meister abides..or rather the Meister's footy skills abide.
Oh btw, on the subject of balls, our dear ol Taco Bell Girl has recently discovered that she possesses some mysterious super power - and a super power that makes all men flinch in fear also (except the Meister - who has nothing really to lose and Ayush - who is too stupid to notice anything and has anyway burnt his).
Yes people, that's right, she can make balls disappear from her hands!!!!!!
Poor future husband is all the Meister can say in this matter
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Antels and Oranges
Oranges have crept in the Meister's life lately (due to no fault of his own though)
It all started when the Uber Antel wanted a book about oranges and bananas etc titled Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Meister, being a simple proletariat thought that it was a book about fruits and farming etc. So he ordered the book via internet.
Everything hunky dory so far.
But the book never arrives and the Uber started asking pointed questions etc etc.
Meister got really worried and scared. So he called up the booksellers. Those muppets said that the book has gone out of stock and that they will be refunding the money.
The Meister got really scared. He did not want to get shouted at. He started thinking of what to do.
Finally he got the brilliant brainwave (he is really smart you know....just a bit slow) of looking at other bookshops and sites. Alas, it was not there in any of the other websites.
Moreover, it turns out that the book is about lesbians......one of the censored words in office computers or something.
So he decided to browse through Landmark and Crossword. Alas, again - their websites suck. He tried looking at the British Council index but soon realised that like a dynamic dimwit, he had forgotten his password etc.
So he decided to call Landmark (Crossword website directs user to Shopper's Stop - foocking muppets).
So, Meister called Landmark
M: I want Oranges are not the Only Fruit
Landmark Employee: I am sorry Sir! We don't have oranges here. We don't sell fruits.
M: Nono, I don't want oranges or bananas. I want a book. It is called Oranges are not the Only Fruit.
LE: I don't think we have any books on fruits and vegetables right now Sir.
M: Nono, its not about fruits, its ablout lesbians.
LE: Eh?
M: Yep, it is a book by a lady called Jeannette Whatshername.
L: I am sorry sir but we don't have any such book at the moment.
M (in a rare moment of lucidity and on the spot intelligence): OK, what about your branches in the other cities? Do they have it?
L: If you place an order Sir, then we can get it for you.
M: Get it man, get it. Its a foocking emergency. No beard is safe!!!
L: Errr Sir? Excuse me?
M: Never mind, just get the book as soon as you can. Here's my number.
Couple of days later ,they called saying that they have found the book in one of their other branches and should they get it? Meister went: yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
A couple of days later they again called saying Sir Sir we got it etc. Upon hearing it Meister rode like the wind (well a very slow wind as the max speed of his scooter is 25 km/hr) and bought it and later in the evening gave it to the Uber one.
In the meantime, on Sunday he was assaulted with a deadly weapon. Well, a semi-deadly weapon anyway.
Meister's lips have gone all bionkers....some thing about vitamin deficiency or something. When Meister told Uber this, she gave an evil laugh - thereby scaring both the Meister and the autowallah and then she brought out a jar.
And then she scooped some chemicals out of it
And then she assaulted the Meister. She pounced on him and before he could defend himself put them chemicals on his lips. It was petroleum jelly and it tasted and smelt like oranges.
Meister couldn't taste anything apart from oranges for the next 48 hours or so.
To put the cherry on the top, Meister got tea with an orange inside it at Pizza Hut - though he had ordered for lemonade.
It all started when the Uber Antel wanted a book about oranges and bananas etc titled Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Meister, being a simple proletariat thought that it was a book about fruits and farming etc. So he ordered the book via internet.
Everything hunky dory so far.
But the book never arrives and the Uber started asking pointed questions etc etc.
Meister got really worried and scared. So he called up the booksellers. Those muppets said that the book has gone out of stock and that they will be refunding the money.
The Meister got really scared. He did not want to get shouted at. He started thinking of what to do.
Finally he got the brilliant brainwave (he is really smart you know....just a bit slow) of looking at other bookshops and sites. Alas, it was not there in any of the other websites.
Moreover, it turns out that the book is about lesbians......one of the censored words in office computers or something.
So he decided to browse through Landmark and Crossword. Alas, again - their websites suck. He tried looking at the British Council index but soon realised that like a dynamic dimwit, he had forgotten his password etc.
So he decided to call Landmark (Crossword website directs user to Shopper's Stop - foocking muppets).
So, Meister called Landmark
M: I want Oranges are not the Only Fruit
Landmark Employee: I am sorry Sir! We don't have oranges here. We don't sell fruits.
M: Nono, I don't want oranges or bananas. I want a book. It is called Oranges are not the Only Fruit.
LE: I don't think we have any books on fruits and vegetables right now Sir.
M: Nono, its not about fruits, its ablout lesbians.
LE: Eh?
M: Yep, it is a book by a lady called Jeannette Whatshername.
L: I am sorry sir but we don't have any such book at the moment.
M (in a rare moment of lucidity and on the spot intelligence): OK, what about your branches in the other cities? Do they have it?
L: If you place an order Sir, then we can get it for you.
M: Get it man, get it. Its a foocking emergency. No beard is safe!!!
L: Errr Sir? Excuse me?
M: Never mind, just get the book as soon as you can. Here's my number.
Couple of days later ,they called saying that they have found the book in one of their other branches and should they get it? Meister went: yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
A couple of days later they again called saying Sir Sir we got it etc. Upon hearing it Meister rode like the wind (well a very slow wind as the max speed of his scooter is 25 km/hr) and bought it and later in the evening gave it to the Uber one.
In the meantime, on Sunday he was assaulted with a deadly weapon. Well, a semi-deadly weapon anyway.
Meister's lips have gone all bionkers....some thing about vitamin deficiency or something. When Meister told Uber this, she gave an evil laugh - thereby scaring both the Meister and the autowallah and then she brought out a jar.
And then she scooped some chemicals out of it
And then she assaulted the Meister. She pounced on him and before he could defend himself put them chemicals on his lips. It was petroleum jelly and it tasted and smelt like oranges.
Meister couldn't taste anything apart from oranges for the next 48 hours or so.
To put the cherry on the top, Meister got tea with an orange inside it at Pizza Hut - though he had ordered for lemonade.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sisyphean Masochism
According to them Greek fellas, Sisyphus was a bit of a bar stud. He also decided to tangle with them Olympians (never a good idea in the best of times - look at what happened to that poor bugger Prometheus and that arsehole Tantalus) and pissed the crap out of Ares. He also had the temerity to rat out Zeus (father of all luj characters), while he was foocking some river god's daughter.
Result - Tartarus for all eternity, and not a jobless banishment, the dude would have to push a rock up a steep mountain, only to have the rock roll down....and this till the end of time. (well technically he did get a break once - according to that fella Ovid anyway...apparently he sat down and listened to the songs of Orpheus). Suffice to say that as far as punishments go, this is right up there as one of the meanest.
Ever since, pointless or futile activities which are doomed to fail are often described as Sisyphean.
Which brings us to the Meister. Critics opine that his whole life is Sisyphean in nature. The Meister disagrees....albeit partially. There are only certain areas and aspects of the Meister's life which are Sisyphean in nature. The masochistic element comes in the picture because the Meister knows that these things are doomed and destined to fail, yet like a fool, like an idiot, like a muppet etc etc he persists in doing them anyway.
1. Falling in love
Let's look at this objectively .....girls like
And then there is the Meister - the exact opposite of each and everything on that list. So, its a foregone conclusion that those of the oestrogenic persuasion are never going to find the Meister attractive.
Despite knowing this, the damn fool went and did it anyway - the idiot fell in love.
Sisyphean masochism at its best.
There is some sort of fatality involeved here.
In the last few years Chelsea have lost in Eurorpe due to:
So, if you wanna see Sisyphean endeavours with a dollop of masochism, and you don't wanna go to Tartarus, look no further than our very own Meister
Ever since, pointless or futile activities which are doomed to fail are often described as Sisyphean.
Which brings us to the Meister. Critics opine that his whole life is Sisyphean in nature. The Meister disagrees....albeit partially. There are only certain areas and aspects of the Meister's life which are Sisyphean in nature. The masochistic element comes in the picture because the Meister knows that these things are doomed and destined to fail, yet like a fool, like an idiot, like a muppet etc etc he persists in doing them anyway.
- powerful guys
- smart guys
- intelligent guys
- handsome guys with good bodies
- rich guys
- tall guys
- guys with long hair
- guys with devil may care attitude
- guys with charisma
2. Dreaming
Statistically, it has been proven that none - not a single one - of the Meister's dreams has ever come true. So one should assume that the dumbass would stop dreaming shouldn't he?
Wrong
Showing extreme varieties and severe symptoms of masochism, the numbnut keeps on dreaming and hoping et for things to happen. He even makes plans etc.
Perfect examples would be him dreaming about and making plans for visiting London, Bangaladesh and Ajanta Ellora (which is slowly looking like the blood Grail Quest) - all of which have totally and utterly fallen flat due to various reasons.
And yet, now he is thinking of a trip to the mountains...which judging by past performance will also be cancelled.
Examples can also easily be fouund from his education and career.
3. Supporting Chelsea in Europe
There is some sort of fatality involeved here.
In the last few years Chelsea have lost in Eurorpe due to:
- Manager Claudio Ranieri making weird subs during halftime which comepletely ruined the balance of the side (Chelsea was leading at halftime); thereby letting the opposition score 3
- Luis Garcia of the damnfools getting awarded a goal despite the ball never going beyond the line
- John Terry - the captain- falling flat on his arse while taking the last shot in a tie breaker (Chelsea was ahead - the prancing show pony hermaphrodite's shot was saved earlier by Cech; had Terry scored, Chelsea would have been the European champions) and subsequently sending the ball as away from the goal as humanly possible
- The referee not giving 4, yes 4 penalties which would have sealed victory against the Barca boys (Chelsea was the only team i nthe world who stopped Barca from scoring for 180 minutes)
- Jose Mourinho, the Special One - a manager who Roman fired as the manager of Chelsea, and who in his first visit back as the manager of another team - Internazionale as it happens - plotted and made the perfect tactics and subs to eliminate Chelsea
So, if you wanna see Sisyphean endeavours with a dollop of masochism, and you don't wanna go to Tartarus, look no further than our very own Meister
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Moi Oyis Moi Oyis
Meister had pain in his oyis, so Meister went to the opthalm....optom.... eye doctor dude.
He happily went and sat down in the chamber and the doc asked him what's wrong.
Meister replied: "Moi oyis hurt". The doc said "hmmm" and then he asked the Meister about his profession, lifestyle etc. Upon hearing that the Meister is a wanker, he said: "you are a pervert you sick bastard".
Meister said: "naaahahaaa... I wank only at home in complete privacy, if you want to see a pervert, then look no further than Jonny Honey. We even have a song for him......
And he does that anywhere and everywhere
The doc became all serious and stuff and declared: "I am gonna test your eyes. So sit there." Meister sat, the doc ordered him to "open wide" - his oyis of course. So the Meister made his oyis as big as possible, upon which the doc poured some acid into them.
Yes, people, the sick son of a mongoose poured some acid into the Meister's oyis.
Meister started writing in pain and shouting "moi oyis, moi oyis" and "why doc why?"
The doc laughed in a theatrical manner and declared: "I am an agent of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz and I have been ordered to hurt you and torture you by the great one himself. I have been waiting for my chance for 5 years now. Now I will make you sumbit in the altar of the Chunku"
Meister shouted: "Neverrrrrrrr, you may take moi oyis, but you will never take moi....err....what do you want again?"
Doc said: "I want you to conced to the Great Chunku"
Meister said: "No way, do whatever you want, I dare you" - which on hindsight was not a smart thing to say, but hey what the hell, whatever else he might be, noone can accuse the Meister to be smart.
So, the doc started paper whipping Meister's oyiballs.
Meister started shouting: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paper whipping will only make my cry"
The doc got all confused and said: "Eh? That does not even rhyme!!"
The Meister replied: "Its post-modern"
The doc then said: "Hmmm, it seems stronger measures are necessary. I didn't want to do it, but you made me do it. Now there's no turning back." And he brought out a contraption which closely resembles an iron maiden (the medieval torture device, not the muppety rock and roll version).
He put the Meister's face into it and then started poking Meister's irises with a poking thingy and beamed compious quantities of laser stuff into his eyes to make him blind. He started shouting: "So, Meister, do you want this to stop? All you have to do is to declare that the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is god's gift to boudis!!"
Meister said: "Oi am a man of moi words. Oi have already declared that
He happily went and sat down in the chamber and the doc asked him what's wrong.
Meister replied: "Moi oyis hurt". The doc said "hmmm" and then he asked the Meister about his profession, lifestyle etc. Upon hearing that the Meister is a wanker, he said: "you are a pervert you sick bastard".
Meister said: "naaahahaaa... I wank only at home in complete privacy, if you want to see a pervert, then look no further than Jonny Honey. We even have a song for him......
"Some men like women
And some men like men
And then there's Jonathan
Who just goes around touching himself
Lalalalalalallalalla..........."
And he does that anywhere and everywhere
The doc became all serious and stuff and declared: "I am gonna test your eyes. So sit there." Meister sat, the doc ordered him to "open wide" - his oyis of course. So the Meister made his oyis as big as possible, upon which the doc poured some acid into them.
Yes, people, the sick son of a mongoose poured some acid into the Meister's oyis.
Meister started writing in pain and shouting "moi oyis, moi oyis" and "why doc why?"
The doc laughed in a theatrical manner and declared: "I am an agent of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz and I have been ordered to hurt you and torture you by the great one himself. I have been waiting for my chance for 5 years now. Now I will make you sumbit in the altar of the Chunku"
Meister shouted: "Neverrrrrrrr, you may take moi oyis, but you will never take moi....err....what do you want again?"
Doc said: "I want you to conced to the Great Chunku"
Meister said: "No way, do whatever you want, I dare you" - which on hindsight was not a smart thing to say, but hey what the hell, whatever else he might be, noone can accuse the Meister to be smart.
So, the doc started paper whipping Meister's oyiballs.
Meister started shouting: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paper whipping will only make my cry"
The doc got all confused and said: "Eh? That does not even rhyme!!"
The Meister replied: "Its post-modern"
The doc then said: "Hmmm, it seems stronger measures are necessary. I didn't want to do it, but you made me do it. Now there's no turning back." And he brought out a contraption which closely resembles an iron maiden (the medieval torture device, not the muppety rock and roll version).
He put the Meister's face into it and then started poking Meister's irises with a poking thingy and beamed compious quantities of laser stuff into his eyes to make him blind. He started shouting: "So, Meister, do you want this to stop? All you have to do is to declare that the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is god's gift to boudis!!"
Meister said: "Oi am a man of moi words. Oi have already declared that
a. there is no god
b. the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is mother nature's gift to the hair gel industry
So, there is no way in hell Oi am declaring anything else. "
The doc looked at the Meister in awe and wonder and respect and said: I concede. Now I know why the Great Chunku is so scared of you. You are the 1st person who could resist the torture."
Meister replied: "This was nothing. Nothing Oi tell ya. Recently I survived an experience so horrible, so horrific, so horrendous, so hideous, so heinous, so abhorrent, so inquitous, so flagitous, so despicable, so repugnant, so execrable, so nefarious, so pernicious that after that everything else looks like breakfast, nothing on earth, hell, purgatory or Pakistan can even come close to that torture."
Doc asked: "What happened?"
Meister replied: "Oi had to look at and listen to Ayush Prasad continuously for 3days"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
In the future
2000 years in the future....the world is a post apocalyptic barren wasteland. Humanity has been wiped off (probably because of something Ayush Prasad did). Some researcher from some alien planet comes to earth and does some excavations and digs up, amongst other things,
the Meister's pants
They see that it is a highly stained affair. They decide do an analysis of it, you know one of them forensic ones. Guess what they will find??
(stop thinking obscene stuff you people with dihtyy minds)
They will find some weird medical gel, mayonese(sic), sweet onion sauce, honey mustard sauce, tea, coffee, chocolate milkshake, some banana-blackcurrant milkshake, chicken curry, oil from fried potatoes, biscuit crumbs, cookie crumbs, some greasy stuff from mashed potatoes, coleslaw, some poshto seeds, some greasy oily stuff from some French food, some pastaesque soup whose name starts with an m, navratan korma, paneer mushroom curry and some thums up.
Yes people, Meister has been eating and spilling things on his pants as if there's no tomorrow.
Its all part of the Meisterplan - the one which involves him eating so much that his arteries and veins get pissed off and quit working.
Yes people, Meister is going to eat and eat till either the food runs out in the planet or his internal organs go ka blooey and he finally dies.
the Meister's pants
They see that it is a highly stained affair. They decide do an analysis of it, you know one of them forensic ones. Guess what they will find??
(stop thinking obscene stuff you people with dihtyy minds)
They will find some weird medical gel, mayonese(sic), sweet onion sauce, honey mustard sauce, tea, coffee, chocolate milkshake, some banana-blackcurrant milkshake, chicken curry, oil from fried potatoes, biscuit crumbs, cookie crumbs, some greasy stuff from mashed potatoes, coleslaw, some poshto seeds, some greasy oily stuff from some French food, some pastaesque soup whose name starts with an m, navratan korma, paneer mushroom curry and some thums up.
Yes people, Meister has been eating and spilling things on his pants as if there's no tomorrow.
Its all part of the Meisterplan - the one which involves him eating so much that his arteries and veins get pissed off and quit working.
Yes people, Meister is going to eat and eat till either the food runs out in the planet or his internal organs go ka blooey and he finally dies.
Kooky people, these doctors
Well, it was time for the Meister's quarterly visit to the land of the sickos. So Meister went to Yashoda.
And found out that his cardiologist has run away....... yes people facing the prospect of facing the Meister again, the dude just quit.
And so began Meister's bugging of the recpetionists et all to give him another doctor. However, whoever they called up seemed to be mysteriously either out or away or busy. Finally after what seemed like an eternity (15 mins) they found dude who was stuck in the ICU/ICCU.
So off Meister went to the 4th floor and met the doctor (nice lad) who took one look at the Meister and shouted "lose weight you fat bastard". he also told Meister to undergo a plethora of tests. A dispirited Meister trudged back.
Next day, with encouragement from parents and curses from his boss (Meister had to take a half day) Meister went back to get his tests done.
After paying what seemed like the GDP of a small nation, they allowed the Meister to proceed to room 1 where a muppet took a bigass syringe and plunged it straight into Meister's veins and drew a few litres of blood.
Then they kicked him out.
So the Meister was loitering around the hospital pointing at sick and injured people calling out "muppet" etc when a nurse came and gently and firmly took him into a room, ordered him to take off his shoes and shirt (not his pants...noone wants to take off the Meister's pants...sigh poor Meister), lie down on a bed and then poured about a litre of gel. The Meiter, utterly bewildered and feeling like the Great Indian Chunkubaaz's hair, was wondering what the hell was going on when this dude who looked like a wrestler came up and started navigating all over the Meister's chest with a joystick. Apparently, they were taking a picture of the Meister's heart or something.
Why anyone would want to take a picture of the Meister's heart is flabbergasting.........
Weird people these doctors.
Anyway, once they finished taking pictures of his heart, they dragged him to another room and this time poured a litre of gel on his tummy. Meister was highly indignant and was shouting at them to stop messing around with his tummy. They ordered the Meister to "shut the foock up fatso" and told the meister that they are going to do some Renal Artillery Doffler.
Meister got scared, artillery activities inside the tummy are never a good idea. The Meister was about to protest vehemently and quote the Rights of Man when they explained to the Meister that it's not Artillery but Arterial. They told the Meister that they would take pictures of the Meister's kidneys and renal artreries etc.
Strange people, these doctors.
Anyway, then the nurse left and brought on reinforcements in the form of a lady doctor. She also came armed with a joystick, but she took one look at the Meister's exposed tummy and ran away shouting for mummy etc.
So now it was the turn of a really senior doctor. He came with a joystick and immediately ordered the Meister to hold his breath and started to poke and prod his tummy. Apparently the apparatus etc couldn't see anything because of the presence of an immense quantity of fat. So the docotr rolled up his sleeves and decided to really have a go. It was borderline grievous bodily harm (a certain Uber's speciality).
The Meister is sure that irrep....irrev....irre..... some serious harm was done to his kidneys etc.
Anyway armed with the plethora of test reports, Meister went in search of the doctor. He found the doctor hiding in the ICU/ICCU. Upon seeing the Meister the doctor again shouted "didn't I tell you to lose weight you fat son of a mongoose". With a weary sigh and incessant grumblings et all the doctor looked at the reports and prescribed a plethora of medicines and ordered Meister "to take these medicines untill and unless he felt like he is dying.....upon which he should go and jump into the Hussain Sagar."
Peculiar people, these doctors.
And found out that his cardiologist has run away....... yes people facing the prospect of facing the Meister again, the dude just quit.
And so began Meister's bugging of the recpetionists et all to give him another doctor. However, whoever they called up seemed to be mysteriously either out or away or busy. Finally after what seemed like an eternity (15 mins) they found dude who was stuck in the ICU/ICCU.
So off Meister went to the 4th floor and met the doctor (nice lad) who took one look at the Meister and shouted "lose weight you fat bastard". he also told Meister to undergo a plethora of tests. A dispirited Meister trudged back.
Next day, with encouragement from parents and curses from his boss (Meister had to take a half day) Meister went back to get his tests done.
After paying what seemed like the GDP of a small nation, they allowed the Meister to proceed to room 1 where a muppet took a bigass syringe and plunged it straight into Meister's veins and drew a few litres of blood.
Then they kicked him out.
So the Meister was loitering around the hospital pointing at sick and injured people calling out "muppet" etc when a nurse came and gently and firmly took him into a room, ordered him to take off his shoes and shirt (not his pants...noone wants to take off the Meister's pants...sigh poor Meister), lie down on a bed and then poured about a litre of gel. The Meiter, utterly bewildered and feeling like the Great Indian Chunkubaaz's hair, was wondering what the hell was going on when this dude who looked like a wrestler came up and started navigating all over the Meister's chest with a joystick. Apparently, they were taking a picture of the Meister's heart or something.
Why anyone would want to take a picture of the Meister's heart is flabbergasting.........
Weird people these doctors.
Anyway, once they finished taking pictures of his heart, they dragged him to another room and this time poured a litre of gel on his tummy. Meister was highly indignant and was shouting at them to stop messing around with his tummy. They ordered the Meister to "shut the foock up fatso" and told the meister that they are going to do some Renal Artillery Doffler.
Meister got scared, artillery activities inside the tummy are never a good idea. The Meister was about to protest vehemently and quote the Rights of Man when they explained to the Meister that it's not Artillery but Arterial. They told the Meister that they would take pictures of the Meister's kidneys and renal artreries etc.
Strange people, these doctors.
Anyway, then the nurse left and brought on reinforcements in the form of a lady doctor. She also came armed with a joystick, but she took one look at the Meister's exposed tummy and ran away shouting for mummy etc.
So now it was the turn of a really senior doctor. He came with a joystick and immediately ordered the Meister to hold his breath and started to poke and prod his tummy. Apparently the apparatus etc couldn't see anything because of the presence of an immense quantity of fat. So the docotr rolled up his sleeves and decided to really have a go. It was borderline grievous bodily harm (a certain Uber's speciality).
The Meister is sure that irrep....irrev....irre..... some serious harm was done to his kidneys etc.
Anyway armed with the plethora of test reports, Meister went in search of the doctor. He found the doctor hiding in the ICU/ICCU. Upon seeing the Meister the doctor again shouted "didn't I tell you to lose weight you fat son of a mongoose". With a weary sigh and incessant grumblings et all the doctor looked at the reports and prescribed a plethora of medicines and ordered Meister "to take these medicines untill and unless he felt like he is dying.....upon which he should go and jump into the Hussain Sagar."
Peculiar people, these doctors.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Ignoracne is Bliss
Yesterday/today morning (Meister gets confused by time) the Sexy Auntie flew to LA LA Land, which btw is slowly getting filled up by sexy female linguists from India (and that hirsute fella).
So hearing that she is leaving, Meister went to wave tata to her at her place.....and guess what happened?
She banged the door on Meister's face even before he could enter.
This after a week when the Meister got dumped for a party (that Meister can understand - parties generally being more interesting and better than the Meister) and was politely informed (after an invitation to come visit mind you) that if he does come then he has to loiter around on his own as the hostess will have much more important (and naturally better) things to do
Sigh, nobody wants the Meister to come.
Except Meister's dear friend the Count Luigi di Jimborghini or Jimbo as he is commonly referred to. Although it might be because he is a stupid bastard, but the look of joy on Jimbo's face and the frantic circular movement of his tail more than makes up for the looks of disgust, disdain and exasperation that inadvertently/deliberately comes to people's faces when the Meister turns up at their door.
Ah the Meister - loved by animals, hated/disliked/barely tolerated by mankind
Unfortunately, Jimbo's expression of joy often manifests itself through his bloody nails as a result of which the Meister's hands are now full of deep and profound scratches.
Anyway, after the Meister begged entrance to Auntie's place, Auntie gave him some Japanese drink, unfortunately and evocatively called SUSU. It tasted awesome. Those damn Jappies are good at making everything - electronics, cars, bikes, animation, films, porn and now drinks.
However, if SUSU is indeed made up of the susu of any animal, then please refrain from pointing in out to the Meister - in his case ignorance is bliss. After the last couple of weeks that he had had, he does not need to know that he had gone and drunk something just 1 organ away from crap.
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