The Commandments according to LordMeister

The Meister follows certain codes in life.  He did not hear or receive these codes or commandments on top of a hill from some mysterious light etc etc...so u muppets can relax...u aren't going to wander around the desert for the next few decades. Anyway, the Meister does not believe in preaching since he believes that humans are by and large muppets and so there is no point in telling good things to people because people are greedy, selfish, money hungry _s who do not give a crap about other people, animals, the earth etc etc. 

As stated in an earlier post, Meister does not believe in any higher supreme power or god (though Gus Hiddink comes close). These are codes which he himself has developed. They are based on the principle that "If you do good things, good things will happen to you".

I) Thou shalt always always be kind to animals

no compromise, not even in the face of armageddon

II) Thou shalt never hit someone weaker than thou

This is especially true for kids and women...thou can defendeth thyself from attack by women but thou shalt not strike them...as far as kids go...let them be kids...sooner rather than later maternal bullying nagging and pressure will taketh a toll on their lives anyway. However, thou art allowed to beat up Ayush Prasad whenever a chance presenteth itself. 

III) Thou shalt not cheat

Even though there might be morons present who art begging to be cheated, thou shalt desist from cheating them...thou shalt also desist from kicking their asses (exception: Ayush Prasad)

IV) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife/fiancee/ girlfriend

Thou can eyeth or voyeureth but thou shall not call them up, go to their house when thy friend is not around or flirt. Of course if the woman in question is a schoolfriend or collegefriend, rule does not apply...but again it brings up the philosophical question...can a woman be a friend of a man??

V) Thou shalt not lie

unless the truth will give thy parents mental and physical anguish.....in such cases, thou shalt shut thy mouth

VI) Thou shalt punch S Sreeshanth the first chance thou getteth

if thou never getteth a chance, then thou can go ahead and punch Ayush Prasad

VII) Thou shalt never trust or be close to a woman again

as women will inevitably lead to sufferings, lies, heartbreak, betrayal and pain...women are dangerous, selfish, cruel, vindictive

VIII) Thou shalt not be biased against any particular human race or religion

Thou shalt hate everyone equally and fairly. However, since the rule is for human races and religions, bias towards Pakistanis (who are inhuman monsters who should be annihilated) and Ayush Prasad (who has been disqualified from the human race) are allowed.

IX) Thou shalt not be jealous or envious of anybody or anything

Apart from the Special One's boyfriends and future husband

X) Thou shalt not live beyond 65

60 is the ideal age, additional 5 years for getting everything in order. If thou art not dead by natural causes by 65, then thou shall commit suicide. 

A-foocking-men and halle-foocking-lujah

Bromances!!! What the Fuck!!!

The Meister read a recent blog on empireonline about top 10 bromances in movies. Now, the first thing is whoever came up with the term should be shot. 

The second thing is that Meister did not agree at all with the list. So here' s who Meister thinks should be on the list. 

 

Shaun Of The Dead: Shaun (Simon Pegg) and Ed (Nick Frost) 

This is a prime example of best friends forever. Despite Ed's complete uselessness in anything and everything, Simon sticks with him. Even when Ed turns into a zombie, Shaun leaves his girlfriend and runs off to play PS2 with Zombie Ed. Now that is what male friendship is all about...without interference from the pesky females. 

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbaca:

The original tag team. What can you say about Chewbacca anyway. He is just the coolest sidekick/partner/friend ever. Chewbacca's hearfelt anguished shout when Han was being frozen is a moment worth billions....worth manly tears even. 

Lethal Weapon: Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover): 

They had wonderful chemistry all throughout the 4 movies. The duo were more like brothers than partners. Murtaugh's family was Riggs's family...they were so close. That did not mean Riggs did not play pranks on Murtaugh. 

LOTR: Sam and Frodo (Sean Austin, Elijah Wood)

Hell these 2 travelled to the end of the world together and when Sam lifted Frodo over his shoulders and carried him those last few steps, it was an expression of extreme non-gay dude love.

Other fine examples of non-gay dude couples: 

• Bill S. Preston (Alex Winters) & Ted "Theodore" Logan (Keaunu Reeves)
  
• Harold and Kumar (Kal Penn and John Cho) 
  
• Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys (Will Smith, Martin Lawrence) 
  
• Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) and Saul Silver (James Franco) in Pineapple Express
  
• Starsky (Ben Stiller) and Hutch (Owen Wilson)
  
• Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson in the Shanghai series
• the whole crew of the Ocean series
• Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung (forgotten the name but they were playing brothers)

Stupid Life

Everytime something good happens to the Meister, something worse immediately follows. Chelsea beats Liverpool and Arsenal and kicks both of them out of competitions...happy days right? Wrong...ecstacy did not even stay for 24 hours...u ask why? Well because the Meister received news that is as painful as being kicked in the balls....the Special One is seeing someone.....it is expected...hell in this world beautiful nice girls don't stay unattached for wrong...and since she had already told the Meister that even if he was the last man on the planet, she still wouldn't consider him as a parner, Meister can't claim that she betrayed him or anything.....but it fucking hurts nonetheless (though no fault of hers, she has every right to be happy)...so once again its goodbye ecstacy, hullo depression...:-(

There is no God

The Meister's friend Piku had an accident on Thursday. The guy's leg had to be amputated, he is still in a semi-coma, his kidneys are not working, his pelvic bones are crushed, gangrene is spreading etc etc etc. 

It got the Meister thinking of the numerous accidents that the Meister himself has been invoved in over the years. Call it a miracle or whatever, the max that the Meister ever had to suffer was a wandering spinal cord and back bone. 

The Meister's mom and others praise god for this. The Meister does not believe in any individual(s) called god or whatever. If there really is an omnipotent omniscient being, then he/she is responsible for all the accidents, misery, misfortune and Pakistan that the world has to endure. If he/she is responsible for all this, then he/she does not deserve our respect, devotion etc. If he/she is not responsible then he/she is not god. 

You just can't beat Karma

Nope, you can't......what goesth around, cometh around. The Meister firmly believes this and thus he tries his best to never hurt anyone. In fact he always tries to help people whenever he can. Take today for example. The Meister was walking towards the main road to catch an auto when he saw a kid struggling with one of those big ass vans which ppl use to sell fruit. It was a steep incline and the kid was really in a bad condition. So the Meister went ahead and pushed the cart all the way to the main road, thereby atracting incredulous stares from passersby. 

Anyway Karma came into the picture a bit later when Meister's auto conked off near rail nilayam. The Meister was stranded, he was getting late for office when a dude kindly stooped and offered him a lift till sangeet xroads, where Meister promptly got another auto. 

karma works in mysterious ways indeed......

The Accidental Meister

This post is about the numerous accidents of the Meister. 

It all started long ago, when the Meister was a wee nippy lad.

Merry go Round

The Meister was around 4 or 5 years old.....or possibly 6.......he had gone to visit Delhi, Rajasthan and Agra with his parents. While in Delhi, they decided to go to Appu Ghar, one of them amusement parks. There was a merry go round. A child version not the big ass adult one. The Meister was all enthu and boarded the thing. The attendant dude started it up....all good so far....Meister enjoying the view....the damn thing goes up top....and horror....it is coming down and the Meister's head is spinning......spit second decision and the Meister jumped.....being a natural athlete, he lands nimbly without any problem, stands up and.....WHAM........one of the seats, cabinets, whatever u call it comes and slams Meister's head from behind.

Cycle

The Meister had just learnt how to cycle. He loved the feel of wind blowing through his hair (stop the sniggering.......the Meister had hair...documentary evidence is there). He used to pedal very fast. So,

Episode 1: He tried moving on sand, and .....sppllaaattt...he fell flat on his face with his cycle

Episode 2: This is even worse.........He was cycling fast and took a right turn and ........well it was really a case of WHAM, BAM, PLEASE DON'T HIT ME MAM"....yep the Meister went and hit a middle aged lady and the enuing scene looked like this.......the lady is on the road, a cycle is on top of her, Meister is lying on top of the cycle...people are running towards the scene...hellbent on beating the bejejus out of the Meister......it was the Meister's natural charisma that saved the day and he could limp off without even a slap.

Cycle Rickshaw

He is perhaps the only person is history who has fallen off one. In his defence, he was only a kid.

Auto Rickshaw

Meister got down from a bus, the auto came and hit his leg. Stupid autowallah!!!!!

Bus

The Meister has so far fallen from a bus twice in his life.

The first time he just stumbled and nothing really happened. The second time he slipped while standing on the steps, fell down and was dragged for about 10 feet. Suffice to say that his shirt and pants were ruined and his body was full of cuts and bruises.

In another instance, the Meister got sandwiched between two moving buses...here also he managed to ruin his shirt, not to mention his skin....there were cuts and bruises all over his two hands.

Train

This happened in Rajasthan, on railway platform. The Meister has forgotten which city. But he remembers falling down while trying to get on the train....he was arnd 5, 6 at that time.

Tram

You are entitled to ask...how Meister how??? how in the name of hell did u manage to have an accident with a tram for crying out loud??? Well in his defence he was less than 10 years old at the time and he was trying to jump down from the thing.

Numerous Benches, Chairs and Beds

The Meister has directly or indirectly had many accidents involving furniture. 

He has broken Rima's bed and... oh crap he has forgotten the girl's name's ...bed. Before you uncouth minded louts go for any "ashlil" inferences, both occassions wre during parties and hangouts and the Meister wasn't the only one. A few guys were literally jumping up and down on the beds and they collapsed....the beds not the guys.

Meister once fell down from his office chair. He was leaning back and back and back and the damn chair just tipped over....to the great amusement of Vivek, OCD Man and Resident Bugger.....who forced the Meister to recreate it using slow motion. In fact Bugger promised the Meister that he will catch the Meister before he completely falls down...and guess what...the muppet just took his hands away at the critical part of the demonstration citing Meister's weight.

Meister once fell off his bench in college. He was leaning back and who knows what happened but the next thing the Meister knows...he is flat on his ass and his legs are richocheting off from the floor....well now that is one of the more memorable and pleasurable accidents of the Meister's life since....his legs moved coz of the whiplash and smacked right into the boobs of a girl who had come to see the fun or something........well that has been the only time and judging by indications will remain the only time the Meister touches the boobs of a girl..:-(

Finally while testing the new place for his new office he sat on a chair which started groaning and promptly broke into 3-4 pieces.

Kinetic Honda

Now we come to the high intensity ones....

The first time - he was coming back from 'Hech CU', it was raining and a moron on the wheels of an amabassador overtook Meister from the left and immediately cut in front of him...the Meister had nowhere to go, he had to turn right, the road divider loomd, the Meister had to break...the tires skidded and the Meister rolled over and fell.....luckily there weren't anyone behind...the meister got awat with loads of cuts and bruises

The second time - he was going to office when an autowallah suddenly broke in front of him without warning...wham.....Meister's right index finger is still not straight

The latest...well hardly latest it happened about 15-16 months ago...anyway....the Meister was coming home from office at around midnight...yeah yeah he is a loser...he knows.....near his home he had to take a right turn, he took the right turn and ....lights out.......he regained consciousness around 10-15 minutes later to find himself lying on the pavement with people looking at him, ...a car Ford IKon apparently had come and smashed straight into Meister's vehicle. Both vehicles were doomed, Meister's because of the car and as far as the car is concerned.....

At impact, Meister's body was thrown off the 2 wheeler and he fell on the bonnet of the Ikon. His head went and smashed the windscreenof the car. The boonet crumpled up. So overall in the contest between the Ikon and the Meister, the Ikon was the loser....go Meister

The Meister did not go unscathed though...apart from the routine scratches, cuts and bruises, he suffered from a torn muscle and his backbone and spinal cord ecided to wander around....they left their original place.......it took about 3-4 months of physiotherapy etc to finally get them back into place......it was fucking bloody painful to say the least

But despite all these, the Meister is still standing and moving and pissing people off....so the hypothesis nay the theory is that apart from numerous companies and the Special One, even Yamraj (lord of hell) does not want the Meister...poor Meister :-(

People the Meister is honoured, priviledged etc etc to know

Anindya

Sandesh

Arunima

Anindya Bera: Where to start with this guy. The Meister met this guy at Nursery 1, at the age of 3. Simply put, the Meister has lost count of the number of times this guy has been there for him......... the dude has stuck with the Meister for 2 and a half decades. He is just the best friend a guy can hope, nay, dream of. If there is anyone in the world (apart from his parents and the Special One) whom the Meister will give one of his kidneys, his eyes, his blood etc etc to, its this guy. 

Arunima Chaudhury: Some silly ass somewhere down the line commented that truly beautiful women often end up with big egos and become condescending and smug.....(dimwits from Xaviers acquire these qualities also despite being on the most part pug-ugly.....one of them mysteries of life). Anyway this dear lady proves the old saying wrong. She is damn beautiful and damn kind at the same time. Not to mention damn smart and intelligent. She has never been condescending to the Meister, have always been a friend and a very good one. 

How many people are out there who would walk miles and miles for the Meister??? That's precisely what she did after the Meister's horrendous accident (which btw was all the Resident Bugger's fault). 

She has always helped, supported and encouraged the Meister, all with a smile. Most importantly, even after going away thousands of miles, and despite drowning in assignments and term papers etc, she always has time and a kind word for the Meister.

Dr. Hemalatha Nagarajan: She was gracious enough to take the Meister up as her student.......kind and generous enough to tolerate his eccentricities......and good enough to not only teach him Optimality Theory but also gave him the opportunity to present a paper in an international big-ass conference.

Linda Francis: The lady works with an orphanage, works for abt 12-14 hours everyday at QuisLex and when the Meister joined stayed in office till 3, 4 in the night to explain to the Meister the intricacies of the American judicial system. The lady always has a smile on her face and has never said no to anyone who has ever approached her for help.

Sandesh Raju: The guy has dedicated his life to the animals. He became a vegan, and for a normal meat eating meat loving dude to give up everything requires a hell lot of courage and determination. The Meister does not have that much. The Meister has only managed to give up eating mammals and using mammal products. Sandesh also loves football and still likes girls even after a plethora of LFCs.  But in this day and age, he is giving up his job to open an animal welfare shelter cum hospital, knowing fully well that he won't earn anything doing this and as a result no girl will ever marry him. The Meister is proud of the fact that the dude regards Meister as a close friend. Now if only he could stop supporting the likes of Juventus and Arsenal.

What IF?

The Meister was thinking (stop sniggering at the back you louts!!!!!). Yes he was thinking. He was thinking of one of them sci-fi (which btw some dimwits persist in pronouncing sky fi) situation type thingies....you know where a flesh eating bacteria or zombies or a nuclear holocaust or aliens have wiped off all the males from the planet....the Meister being the only survivor. Or even plausibly, women have evolved/mutilated and can give birth to other women themselves, and thus they do not need us males anymore. Human race becomes Female race. 

Into this type of calamitous environment, the Meister is the last surviving member of the species......the male species that it....

Well the Meister would immediately commit suicide.....you ask why?? It's simple really........

no males = no football

Even all the women players.......and the Meister accepts that there are quite a few good ones around like Birgit Prinz and Marta.....would give up football since there won't be any spectators and the whole species would be engrossed in the really important stuff like

1. sas-bahu programs

2. make up (which btw is the most astonishing thing the Meister has ever seen in his life....first the women put on the make up....then they use more chemicals to remove the make-up!!!.....and then applying more chemicals...  Putting make up on to look natural......that is easily the world's biggest oxymoron........unfortunately the modern day metro-fucking sexuals or what the Meister calls the luj characters have also fallen pray to this......these numbnuts do weird things with their eyebrows, shave their body hair, put on make up, wear pink.....which btw is just criminal... and in the case of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz apply Fair and Handsome)

3. dress

4. jewellery and accessories

That's it, the only reason the Meister is alive today (now that the Special One has clarified that she won't marry the Meister even if he was the last man on the planet etc.....) is to enjoy the beautiful game.  The only place where a hermaphrodite can become player of the year btw. Thus proving that football is better than anything and everything the Cultural Studies people can think of or devise. The only activity in the world where even hermaphrodites and ogres are not discriminated against.

Other reasons for committing suicide:

Absence of 'man'kind = 

1) only sas bahu type programs and films and stories etc etc

2) the whole world enveloped in pink......ohhhh the HORROR