Up the Meister

The Meister was missing his blog and so he is back. Not that he has anything profound or philosophical to share.

He recently went and saw that movie about that most awesome of superhero - Wolverine (Batman is in a different league altogether...nobody's cooler than Batman)  He enjoyed it, so did Fraulein SS and MS Brownjacket. Despite being a Jackman fan, Meister feels that Liev Shreiber stole the show. And of course there was Gambit.

Well, before the movie, SS told him about some cousin of hers who had gifted her an Ipood. She was saying that she was highly reluctant to accept it and would rather have preferred mangoes. Why anyone would be reluctant to accept free stuff (unless it is Manchester United memorabilia) is one of them eternal mystery thingies. Since the Meister has long ago managed to deduce that all women are nuts, he would not even comment on this, but the choice of mangoes over free Ipood is something best described as nutty.

The real fun so to speak started after the movie. 

MS Brownjacket wanted to eat, so Fraulein SS suggested a Chinese place. So they all boarded an auto and went in search of the place. 

The only hiccup, as it turns out, was the absence of such a place. 

Either the restaurant has gone kaput or SS's memory has followed her certain body part into being geriatric. So they could not find the place and had the bright idea of tracking their way back in case they had missed it. After 10 mins of such futile exercise, they (rather Fraulein and MS.....Meister was an oasis of calm in the sea of agitation) decided to go to another place and boarded another auto. As it turned out, they went through the same route that they had already travelled twice - once in auto and once walking (too many pronouns but hey shit happens)

Anyway they went to Malgudi, which for some reason Fraulein persisted in calling by the name of that most excellent of series by Mr. Laxman. 

And then Fraulein and SS started talking about guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Granted they were talking of army guys (Meister has nothing but admiration and respect for those dudes btw) but if a ranking is to be done of the whole plethora of topics to discuss, with football coming at the top and women's fashion disqualified for just being silly and for making no sense, then the topic of guys would definitely come near the bottom. Thank Guus there was good food and a bigass jar to distract the Meister otherwise he would have been bored silly.  

Potatonama Ch 5 sub-chapter V

They huffed

They puffed

Whilst d muppets luffed

This is what happened when the winsome 2some went to see more falls whilst Pampered Princess stayed home. Once again there was the involvement of miles n miles of walking, and scrambling, and crawling, and jumping, and sliding, and climbing....holy mother of all that is short, sweet, and mummified!!! 

They also managed to get lost. 

A forest security dude found them wandering around arguing with themselves and kindly took them back to the main route and handed them to a guide who then took them to the places.

And what places!!! They had to walk, crawl, slide, scramble etc to go to these places...they got tired, bushed, fatigued, not to mention exhausted ( how the Indian Army dudes cover 60/70 kms is just a WOW thing...RESPECT Bros) in the process.......and they loved every single minute of it!!!!

They got to see Panchsomething (where allegedly the Pandavas used to bathe), Angel Falls and Silver Falls. Now the naming of Angel Falls is a lovely story.....apparently English ladies in the colonial times used to come to bathe here and tribal dudes (lucky buggers) used to peep thinking angels have come from heaven....(an action both the Meister and Potato are whole-heartedly in agreement with)

Well, they came back and happily went to sleep. 

The fireworks (or to be precise the water works) started once they woke up (and this is not a reference to the foocking rain). Pampered Princess started crying and complaining that Meister and Potato are selfish barstuds, that they are narcissistic sons of dashes, that they are obsessed with each other etc. 

Apparently there were 4 problems

Problem 1: She is used to her slaves (bf, parents etc) waiting hand on foot on her, catering to her every whim. Suffice to say that neither the Meister nor the Potato are built up to be slaves and that they do not give a foock (well since they ar virgins and likely to remain so for the rest of their lives, they anyway do not give  foock) towards pampering anyone. 

Problem 2: Absence of bf/slave

Problem 3: Pachmarhi being a place where lots of walking has to be done

Problem 4: She suffers from Mad Cow disease

Anyway she decreed that she was going to leave the next day morning....and ordered poor Dulal to make all the arrangements. And leave next day she did, after arguing and shouting at people left, right and centre.....all the waiters, attendants, drivers, travel agency dudes etc got pissed off in the process

It took the charm of the Meister to calm all of them down.

Potatnonama Ch 5 sub-chapter IV

Jellylegs

yep that's the technical term...it is used to describe a phenomenon when the legs decide to wobble as if independent from the body

Both the Meister and the Potato recently suffered from this affliction. It happened right after THUD (see previous post). For the next 15 mins or so, even when they were sitting in the jeep, their legs were shaking like a hippo doing the Mamba under the influence of LSD.

With their legs still doing the St Vitus dance, they next reached a place near the Bee Falls. From the place where the road ends to the actual falls is about a kilometre......so naturally Pampered Princess Criesalot...well...cried a lot. And Complained incessantly about why the government haven't laid down concrete roads and removed the rocks or installed a ropeway. Potato was reminded of that other great Pampered Princess in history - Marie Antoinette (at least she was a genuine princess...this one is just a spoilt pampered brat)

Well despite crying, cribbing, bitching, pouting, sulking etc, she managed to accompany the 2 down to the bottom of the falls. Once down, the 2 could not resist the temptation of the fall and plunged in heedless of the lack of belt, towel, dry clothes etc. Suffice to say that Pampered Princess did not go anywhere near the water (she is afraid of rocks and water perhaps). After getting thoroughly pounded and massacred by the hard-hitting water for about 15 minutes they came out and sat down on a rock to dry off. Then they started their way back.

Halfway up, they came across a shallow pool with ankle deep water......and goodness ...Pampered Princess condescended to wet her feet!!!! She went inot the ankle ddep water, tottered a bit, wobbled  abit and slipped a bit and then came out.

Then they all came back for lunch, whereupon Princess decreed that she is not going to any more places but will go home to sleep/talk to her bf and cry.

Potatnonama Ch 5 sub-chapter III

U guys have imagination right? well imagine a scenario..........imagine this scenario to be precise.......a spherical heavy object high up in the air flailing around.....now zoom in and imagine that spherical object to be a............. Potato 

yeah baby yeah...the Potato went parasailing

As reported earlier, after coming back from the sunrise thingy, they had breakfast (a peiod of time during which Pampered Princess had the time to...well...cry for 2 short bursts......thus making it...let's see...once while going, twice while there, twice while coming back and twice during breakfast..yeah that makes it 7 times that Pampered Princess cried between 4.30 and 8.30 in the morning)

Then they set out for that most awesome of experiences

Goes without saying that Pampered Princess did not opt for the adventure.....she claims that she is afraid of heights.....(along with all types of insects, all animals, storms, lightning, rain, clouds, loud sounds, roads, rocks, caves, water, the 4 fricking elements, darkness, the sun, etc etc etc.... of course ghosts.........and that most terrible of all things - what people think about her.......all at that tender little pre-pubescent age of 27)

Anyway, the Meister and Potato got suited up (there's a nasty rumour going around that there was some consternation and excitement during the suiting up process due to the easy unavailability of security gear of their size....there's not an iota of truth in these rumours...the Meister and Potato are individuals with model sizes)...

They got helmets, gloves, elbow-pads, knee-pads but surprisingly no abdomen guards!!! 

(Potato is of the opinion that it must have been some woman who must have devised these safety items.....these women have no consideration, compassion and idea about the sensitivity and importance of the male bollocks)

Well once the suiting up process was complete, they were made to waddle into the middle of a field where there were strapped to a foocking parachute on the back and a foocking jeep on the front...and then the jeep started!!!!

And we have takeoff people

The two went up, up and further up.....and then got bashed silly by the wind

This silly element btw must have been biding it's time.....formerly it hasn't had a foocking inch of impact on the lives of the Potato and Meister....in fact the two have always regarded the destructive properties of the wind with a touch of disdain...the wind was waiting for a chance to get the two in it's grasp...and now it got it's chance for revenge.....

It literally, figuratively, drammatically, ecumenically, symbolically, allegorically, emblematically, metaphorically and grammatically kicked their ass

One second, the two were looking up to the sky, the next second they are hanging upside down, next second thet are facing right...next second, yep you guessed it...left............all the while holding onto the parachute handle as well as the pants.......................

....................all the while suffering from existential uncertainty and horns of a dilemna

Existential Uncertainty and Horns of a Dilemna: To hold on to the pants thereby chancing a bigass splat to the ground or to hold on to the parachute handle thereby increasing the chance of giving the watching spectators a once in a lifetime vision of the family jewels (another reason in favor of abdomen guards....you can never go wrong with abdomen guards...whoever invented it deserves an honorary Noble)

Meister spent the whole time worrying about his pants but the Potato, being much more shameless, enjoyed the experience (the rushing wind, not the falling pants) a lot (despite not being in his element)

Pampered Princess was in charge of taking pictures...a safe enough word you would think...but guess what she was doing....yep you guessed it....talking with her bf on the phone and crying

Then the jeep stopped....and the earth came nearer and nearer and nearer and then.....

THUD

Potatonama Ch 5 sub-chapter II

Catastrophe, Cataclysm, and other words starting with Cat!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The 2 dumdums (Potato and Meister) have between themselves, forgotten to pack a belt...ergo its pants falling down time

It also means that its bigass scandal time at Frustratedalot's wedding, what with the 2 turning up in shorts........hell at least now there is a chance that Frustratedalot will remember them longer than the estimated 2.5-3 years!!!!

Anyway apart from this double-edged blight, this has been a hell of a foocking day, a hell of a foocking day (as will be disclosed in subsequent chapters)

It all started very early....extrememly early at 4.30 in d foocking morning to be precise.....reason a wish to see the sunrise. So they all went and saw...well saw the sun rise. Meister and Potato were okay with it coz well they had seen it before, but Pampered Princess Criesalot was disappointed and heartbroken.

She was seen walking around commenting "That's it??" It seems she wanted more entertainment....God Guus knows what exactly....

maybe a ticker-tape parade??

some Bollywood style song-and-dance sequence??

a laser-light show perhaps??

a voice from the sky doing a running commentary???

.................these pampered spoilt women are nuts

Well, after this moment of intellectual and spiritual epiphany, they all came back for breakfast.

After breakfast, it was fun time people.

Potatonama Ch 5

Sub-chapter I - The Beginning

The Potato, Meister and Pampered Princess Criesalot decided to go on a trip. The original plan was to visit Pachmari and then to go to Nagpur for Frustratedalot's wedding. But the best laid plans of mice and muppets etc etc.

They boarded the train at 11, and by 11.15 Criesalot started, well, crying. When asked, she claimed that she couldn't bear the thought of being without her bf for a single day. And then she kept on crying. And then she cried some more. And then she started giving Meister philosophical advice........"an exercise in futility" quipped the Potato. Then it was time to sleep.

Unfortunately, due to the heat and the distinctly muppetesque tendencies of the train (it stops everywhere...even foocking Bhongir!!) neither the Meister nor the Potato could get any sleep. They kept twisting and turning. Thank Guus there weren't any snorer or luj character who turns off the fan around.

At 5 o clock next morning, the train reached a station with one of the coolest names ever - Balderdash....and then  girl wearing pink transparent dress came and sat opposite, thereby distracting the foock out of both the Potato and the Meister.

Then they reached Nagpur. Loads of people went down, loads of people came up. There were 2 groups from the latter worth mentioning. 1 group was huge - with aunties, uncles, grandma and about a dozen girls (early 20s) and a guy (early 20s). They boarded the train and started eating, and then ate some more and then continued eating some more. The other interesting fact about them is that the poor guy has lost all self-respect in life...the dude was travelling wearing a pink shirt!!!!

The other interesting group comprised a mother a son and a daughter. The son, who is in 6th standard, entertained them with loads of maths tricks. As the combined math IQ of both the Meister and Potato is somewhat similar to the football IQ of His Gayness Lord Gaysalot, suffice to say that they were astonished, astounded and other things starting with as.

oh btw, Pampered Princess Criesalot woke up and started crying again. 

Potatonama Ch 4

Ugly gave Potato a treat!!! wuhoo!!!

Truth be told, it was the Meister who was bugging all n sundry for a treat but no one gave him one....poor Meister. Instead, the more interesting (as declared by Fraulein SS) Potato got the treat.

It was at whatsisname...that Chinese fragrance place in City Centre. The menu was easily the weirdest the Potato has ever had - there was brinjal, there was chicken cooked in honey and lemon...and....drumrolls...there was chicken fried in orange juice!!!

The party was apparently to celebrate Ugly's imminent release from the evil, capitalist, imperialist company who is out to destroy all that is good and pure and innocent etc etc (as claimed by the Commi bastards, the Cultural Studies hypocrites and sadly the ex-Special One.......foocking morons the lot of them)

Anyway Ugly is quitting coz she was feeling depressed and like a prisoner there. Apparently people (or rather doodle people....a separate group of Homo Sapiens) find her intimidating and unapproachable.....who knows why

Anyway, all the best for her new life and job etc. The Potato will never forget her for introducing him to.....chicken fried in orange juice!!! 

While coming back home, the Potato got a talkative autowallah and they started discussing things. Soon, the dude started to tell his life story. Apparently, all his brothers studied and now have jobs....he didn't so he is now driving an auto...he was quite philosophical about it. Recently his sis had some heart probs and they could aford the treatment only coz of that Rajiv Arogyashree scheme. Nice to know that at least some of our money is going to worthy causes. 

The autodude likes travelling apparently and claimed to have gone to a few cities. Once he had gone to Ajmer Shareef, where displaying serious Meisteresque tendencies, the dude managed to lose his wallet. He had  a couple of hundred left which he used to come back to Mumbai. Upon reaching Mumbai he went to pray to his god. After praying, he met a dude who told him to meet another dude who runs a canteen. He met this canteen dude and told him about the problem. This canteen dude then fed him and gave him enough money to go buy tickets for home. 

If the story is true, then it is a nice one. Good to know that there are still people out there who help people and that we Indians have still not been morally and spiritually corrupted by the decadent, evil west (as the Commi bastards, the Cultural Studies hypocrites and sadly the ex-Special One would have you believe...foocking dimwits the lot of them)  

Potatonama Ch 3

Meister went and saw the movie Angels and Demons. The dimwit didn't tell the Potato that he was going. Thus, the Potato now has to download it on his comp.

The Meister liked the movie.....it was much better than the frankly boring Da Vinci Code. 

To start off, Langdon's hideous mullet is gone....btw whichever hair-stylist thought of putting a mullet on Tom Hanks needs to be punished......make the dimwit the hair-stylist of Shrek.

Secondly, the disturbing Paul Bettany is not there. How he landed up with the beautiful Jennifer Connelyy is any1's guess....the dude must be a hell of a nice guy. 

Thirdly, ole sourpuss Stellan is there (when was the last time anyone saw him laugh in a movie!!)

4thly, Scottish actor playing Irish role = comedy gold

McGreogor's bizarre on-again, off-again accent was the fun element of the movie

5thly, irrespective of Lord Gayslaot's protestations and sputterings to the contrary, Audrey Tatou was a waste in the Code...the Israeli actress in A&D is much better. 

6thly, Rome...nuff said

7thly, Potato did not think it through before embarking on this stupid list so no more

Fatass Laughsalot went to the movies with the Meister, they were joined by Fraulein SS - who walked all the way from Banjara Hills..applause applause; MidasDude - who was 5 minutes late (who also turned out to be an X-Men fan); and MS Brownjacket - who was about 20 minutes late.....

The Potato is assuming that the Meister being a simple-toon, the naming of MS Brownjacket as MS (modern slave...she works on Sundays for crying out loud) was just a coincidental thing, although now the Meister is vigorously shaking his head and claiming that he knew it all along and that it was a well-thought out name.

The most entertaining part of the evening was seeing SS blushing profusely whenever the topic of her enamourment with OCD Man came up. 

Btw, Meister wants to tell Brownjacket that his failure to pay for the ticket of his friend was not because he is cheapskate or a luj character but because of his negative memory. He promises to pay her back next time they meet and apologises profusely........

Dude you wanna apologise in your blog or wherever, do it yourself, why the hell did you bug the Potato to write your blog in your behalf about you and now u r putting words in his hands....here u wanna write u write...

no? 

u don't wanna write? 

why? 

what? 

The Prude has censured you??!!!

when? where?

In Facebook!!!! 

Who cares about Facebook mate!!!!

And anyway Prudes will be Prudes...why are u even listening to admonishments from some1 who gets drunk on cranberry juice???!!!!!

 Come back... people are already alarmed about the Potato's identity and are actually wasting valuable moolah calling up and enquiring!!!!

Its your wish...the Potato cannot be censured..he is not afraid of any Prudes or any Violent Dons......

Potato truely believes that the Pen is mightier than the Sword or rather the Keyboard is stronger than the...err...umm...oh damn!!!...well lets just say that the Keyboard is very strong

oh btw the Meister's ex-junior and ex-colleague Fatass Liesalot has taken a big bamboo, shined it up thoroughly and has stuck it straight up her own significantly big ass....the dimwit went and gave as reference the number of the Great Dictator, the 1 guy with whom she had problems and the 1 guy who had problems with her...and to compound the problem, when she inevitably received bad reviews, she compounded the problem manifold by doing what comes naturally to her.......lying

Potatonama Ch 2

Well everybody knows that the Meister is a cultured debonair erudite gentleman. The Potato on the other hand is a shameless, amoral spud. They are two opposites of the universe like Yin and Yang (half of whom he met again recently btw :-))

Being totally shameless, the Potato recently gate-crashed a party at Fatass Laughsalot's place. To be fair to the Potato, he had called earlier to enquire about the availablity of time etc.....DevDulal was just too nice to tell him to 'foock off baldy'. Anyway he gatecrashed the party and even after realising the situation, shamelessly stayed there for a couple of hours all the while hogging sweets and icecream. 

It was only when the hosts invited him to stay for dinner that he decided not to push his luck anymore and knuckled off.....(what prompted him to give off free food was some rare moment of courtesy [never stay at a couple's place for more than 2 hours, people feel uncomfortable...whether that's a general thing or Potato-specific uncomfort is another matter altogether...the Meister cares, the Potato doesn't]... along with the menu, which consisted of a salad liberally dressed with the hosts' blood and the food which gives horsepower to the horse)

So he knuckled off to get food for the Chunkubaaz and got invited by a whole plethora of people shouting at the top of their voices....Sexy Auntie had come back from the desert along with some imported alchohol

So the Potato went to that party and as mentioned above, met the Chinese Philophy Girl again, but true to form, couldn't remember her name....well it was a nice party....alcohol was flowing, India was scoring and certain people were making asses out of themselves (not the Potato though...he was elegance personified, even without underwear)

Athletic Salteater was there...first she became drunk and then she became high.....all the while she was hyper.

The Great Jelly was there...massacring alcohol by mixing things up into strange cocktails and then forcing people to drink them with a foocking spoon...btw in case u didnt know this girl can single-handedly ruin any bar, pub or restaurant which serves alcohol by serving some of the biggest shots in the history of drinking!!!

Prude was there...she got drunk on cranberry juice

And then there was the world's biggest muppet...a guy so stupid its actually impossible to find out whether he is farting or speaking!!! The dimwit regaled us with stories of a place in Medchal where he goes to get high by getting bitten by snakes...and then he said that God Guus was to blame for the manures' defeat...as he hadn't brought in 'Tavez' (sic) in d 1st half

Well, the Potato, being a guy who likes to do social service wants to help out the numbnut in his quest to get high........the Potato's foot in the dumbasses's ..well...ass

In the party, Potato met the 4th of the Ovung brothers...and guess what...the dude turned out to be as nice as the others.......metaphotical hats off to the Ovung parents for raising 4 such nice kids.......how their cousin turned out to be a Prude is anyone's guess!!!

Potatonama ch 1

The Potato has to admit that the Meister's memory is almost as bad as that of an amnesiac amoeba. Not that the Potato's memory is much better mind you. This often leads to muppetesque situations especially when it comes to remembering the names of husbands of their friends....its one of them mental block thingies. 

For the love of Chelsea, neither the Meister nor the Potato can rememeber the name of Frustratedalot's husband' name (either Nikhilesh or Nilanjan), BMG's husband's name (Meister thinks its Birupakhkho, the Potato is certain it starts with a vowel), or Agressive Sambarslurper's husband's name (shortlisted to Vikram, Vikas or Victor). The 2 of them have finally managed to learn Fatass Laughsalot's boyfriend's name ...but only after they became friends themselves...and btw the 2 are still of the opinion that the dude looks like a DevDulal. However Fatass Lieslalot's boyfriend's name (nice kid btw) will forever remain one of them mystery thingies.

The Potato has Landed

Hullo, hullo......art thys thyng workyng???????????

This is the Mighty Potato speaking. 

The Potato has decided to temporarily take over the Meister's blog since the Meister is taking time off from blogging. The Potato is a good friend of the Meister's, almost an alter-ego type thing. So he will continue to bring in exclusive scoops from the Meister's weird life. 

eh? what was that? oh you are asking why the Meister is taking time off from his blog?

Well one of the reasons is that he is majorly pissed off with people not commenting on his blog. He has sort of lost the motivation. How hard is it to type in the words "nice" or "hideous" ..but no everybody has to be a descendant of Shakespeare.

Another reason for his absence is that he is mentally disturbed.

Meister has recently severed all relationship with the Special One. They had a blazing row via emails. Apparently there were umpteen number of !!!s. Words were said (or rather written) which on hindsight should not have been. She called him a disgrace to humanity, a stupid, selfish, moron etc; he called her a Manchester United supporter. Enough said.

To further complicate matters, the Great Indian Chunkuubaaz is going away to Gurgaon permanently. Apparently, he is tired of the lack of beautiful girls in Hyderabad and wants new pastures. So now the Meister has the added complication of searching for roomamtes.

To add to his woes, the Muppet disguised as his boss has suddenly decided to give him more and more work.

To put icing on the cake, the Meister has lost his debit card and he has no time to go to the bank and apply for a new one. 

In one way at least, status quo has been maintained - the Meister still does not get a treat.

So overall the Meister is depressed and has requested his friend the Potato to take over the blog for the time being. 

And responding to the SOB (Save our Blog), the Potato has Landed.