Here it is people, every good thing comes to an end. But then again, according to the survey and deluge of recriminations (I don't give a fuck if the spelling is wrong), the Meisterblog is not really a good thing. So, rejoice all ye bossturds who have had sense of humour surgically removed, ye have finally managed to do it - ye have managed to stop the Meisterblog.
Ever since the Mister started writing the damn thing, he had been inundated with complaints. Everybody likes to laugh at other people, but when it comes to themselves it suddenly becomes "oh no, how dare he". Foocking hypocritical cowards the lot of ye.
Ye don't deserve to laugh or smile. Ye don't deserve the Meister. Ye deserve all the shit that the blog world throws at ye in the form of incoherent nonsense ramblings et all couched as post modern bullshit.
From now on, no more fun, no more humour, no more references to people, no more tales about the Meisterlife.
I will write what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't give a fuck anymore whether you read it or not.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Baldric and the Frog
Baldric being the Pegasus of the Flying Fatman and The Frog being well a frog, you know one of them members of the Anura cult.
Well, this particular frog has fallen in luw with Baldrick. He/she/it patiently waits for and comes to Baldrick once he comes home from work. Rumour has it that they have been seen sleeping together and all. Can't tell ye all about Baldrick's feelings though, the moody so and so is acting all pricey and refusing to talk to the Meister.
As for the frog, Meister has grave doubts about that fella's grey matters. Meister thinks that he/she/it is the Anurian equivalent of those whales who decide to get a suntan on the beach - in other words a dumbass.
Talking about frogs, Meister's friend the Anoian Tippytapper has been going around harassing boiled frogs in her dreams. Now the Meister is truly an expert in weird dreams - but this was a wee bit special even for him.
Now the Meister takes pride (wholly unjustifiably) in being an expert dream analyzing chappy, so here goes....
1. She is stuck in a rut and wants one of them prince chappies or knights in shining armours...ye know the ones who are tall, dark, handsome and whose teeth go "ting" when they smile
2. She has a desire to become a supporter of Chairman Mao
3. She has fallen in love with Baldrick
4. She has unfulfilled ambitions to get the Nobel Prize for Zoology
5. She has become a supporter of France
6. She is extremely horny and wants a cunnilingual....and frogs r the best as far as tongues are concerned
Well, this particular frog has fallen in luw with Baldrick. He/she/it patiently waits for and comes to Baldrick once he comes home from work. Rumour has it that they have been seen sleeping together and all. Can't tell ye all about Baldrick's feelings though, the moody so and so is acting all pricey and refusing to talk to the Meister.
As for the frog, Meister has grave doubts about that fella's grey matters. Meister thinks that he/she/it is the Anurian equivalent of those whales who decide to get a suntan on the beach - in other words a dumbass.
Talking about frogs, Meister's friend the Anoian Tippytapper has been going around harassing boiled frogs in her dreams. Now the Meister is truly an expert in weird dreams - but this was a wee bit special even for him.
Now the Meister takes pride (wholly unjustifiably) in being an expert dream analyzing chappy, so here goes....
1. She is stuck in a rut and wants one of them prince chappies or knights in shining armours...ye know the ones who are tall, dark, handsome and whose teeth go "ting" when they smile
2. She has a desire to become a supporter of Chairman Mao
3. She has fallen in love with Baldrick
4. She has unfulfilled ambitions to get the Nobel Prize for Zoology
5. She has become a supporter of France
6. She is extremely horny and wants a cunnilingual....and frogs r the best as far as tongues are concerned
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Lists
Meister likes cartoons. There, Meister has said it. So all you la-di-dahs can go ahead and sneer.
And to further give u material for sneering, Meister loves and adores the Hollywood fare as well.
So this post is about them - not the staple Hannah Barbera or Walt Disney characters, but the ones esp created for movies. Pixar and Dreamworks, take a bow.
These are the characters ye will remember till the day (or night) ye die. They have formed one of them indelible type thingies on the mind and heart. They are instrumental in making their films super duper hits n all.
The list below is not according to rank, so sireee...there is no way in hell anyone can claim that Donkey is better than King Julian or vice versa. In fact, both of them can be in the Top 10 Movie characters of all time ye know with Tyler Darden, Hannibal Lector.....wait a minute, Meister will make that list too
Animation Characters
And that got the Meister thinking about some of the greatest characters them tv writer types ever came up with. These are the people who lights up the show, without whom the show loses its lustre and becomes mundane.
TV Characters
Movie Characters
These are the characters ye will remember till the day (or night) ye die. They have formed one of them indelible type thingies on the mind and heart. They are instrumental in making their films super duper hits n all.
The list below is not according to rank, so sireee...there is no way in hell anyone can claim that Donkey is better than King Julian or vice versa. In fact, both of them can be in the Top 10 Movie characters of all time ye know with Tyler Darden, Hannibal Lector.....wait a minute, Meister will make that list too
Animation Characters
- Donkey
- King Julian
- The Penguins
- B.O.B
- Po
- Squirrel from Ice Age
And that got the Meister thinking about some of the greatest characters them tv writer types ever came up with. These are the people who lights up the show, without whom the show loses its lustre and becomes mundane.
TV Characters
- Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
- Homer Simpson (Simpsons)
- Denny Crane (Boston Legal)
- Gil Grissom (CSI)
- Baldrick (Blackadder)
- Spike (Buffy and Angel)
- Randy Hickey (My Name is Earl)
- Adrian Monk (Monk)
- The Costanzas (Seinfeld)
- Frank and Robert Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
- Niles Crane (Frasier)
- Jack Donaghy (30 Rock)
Movie Characters
- Inspector Clousseau (Pink Panther)
- Captain Jack Sparrow (POTC)
- King Julian/Donkey (Madgascar/ Shrek)
- Indiana Jones
- Joker v. Heath Ledger
- Smeagol (LOTR)
- Forest Gump
- Rocky Balboa (Rocky)
- The Dude (Big Lebowski)
- Vincent Gambini (My Cousin Vinny)
- Jason Bourne/John McLaine (Bourne, Die Hard)
- The Man with No name and Tuco (Good Bad and Ugly)
- Jubba the Hut (Star Wars)
- The Terminator
- Yoda (Star Wars)
- Anton Chirugh (No Country for Old Men)
- Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)
- Maxwell Smart v Steve Carell
- Ace Ventura
- Wall E / E.T.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Couldn't think of a title
Well, Meister has had some mighty weird dreams lately. Weird even by his own standards.
In one of his dreams, Meister was in a forest being chased by a group of chupacabras. He kept on running and running (yeah yeah yeah, Meister running etc etc) till he came to the edge of the forest and found a locked multistoried building. He cried for help and begged the inhabitants to let him come in.
He got pelted with tomatoes instead.
He woke up to find the real life chupacabra happily thumping the crap out of the Meisterhead with her tail.
In another dream, he, in his Fat Uncle Cheapo avatar, put on a spandex wrestling suit, oiled himself up and went into an arena for a wrestling match. Only problem was that the opponent was a mountain gorilla - yep the same one who keeps appearing in his dreams and bangs the Meisterhead with a hammer and shouts "nevermore".
It wasn't a good contest.
Poor Meister, even in his dreams he gets bashed up.
But anyway this got the Meister thinking what if he had chosen an alternative career path.
Well, he would have been a complete and utter failure in that career instead of being a complete and utter failure in the career that he has chosen.
Well, that got the Meister thinking about alternative careers for his friends, so called friends etc, all with the near certainty of being total and epic failures (much like the Meisterlike).
1. OCD Man as a forensic investigator ala CSI.
Just imagine, OCD Man goes to a crime scene, sees all the blood, utters "disgusting" and whips out his washing supplies and starts cleaning up the whole place.
No crime would ever get solved again.
2. Sandman as the mascot of KFC
3. MS Brownjacket or Lady Talksalot as Guest Lecturers on the Topic of "Too much Work is Bad for Your Life"
No point being indignant or claiming to the contrary, ye lot are workaholics and ye know it.
4. Ex Lord Botanist as the Poster boy for Abstinence
Some things just doesn't work
5. SS as the Spokesperson for any I/We Hate ____ Campaign
She likes HR people and Bongs, can ye really beat that?
6. Benny the Prude as a Producer of Porn Films
The name explains it
7. Literary Doglover as a documentary filmmaker
No bird will be safe is all that can be said in this matter.
8. Anoian Tippy Tapper as an editor/writer in a Sissy Girly Magazine
Can ye picture her going around writing muppetesque quizes for dummies and looking at engagement rings?
Ye can? She did? Oh!!!!!!!!
In one of his dreams, Meister was in a forest being chased by a group of chupacabras. He kept on running and running (yeah yeah yeah, Meister running etc etc) till he came to the edge of the forest and found a locked multistoried building. He cried for help and begged the inhabitants to let him come in.
He got pelted with tomatoes instead.
He woke up to find the real life chupacabra happily thumping the crap out of the Meisterhead with her tail.
In another dream, he, in his Fat Uncle Cheapo avatar, put on a spandex wrestling suit, oiled himself up and went into an arena for a wrestling match. Only problem was that the opponent was a mountain gorilla - yep the same one who keeps appearing in his dreams and bangs the Meisterhead with a hammer and shouts "nevermore".
It wasn't a good contest.
Poor Meister, even in his dreams he gets bashed up.
But anyway this got the Meister thinking what if he had chosen an alternative career path.
Well, he would have been a complete and utter failure in that career instead of being a complete and utter failure in the career that he has chosen.
Well, that got the Meister thinking about alternative careers for his friends, so called friends etc, all with the near certainty of being total and epic failures (much like the Meisterlike).
1. OCD Man as a forensic investigator ala CSI.
Just imagine, OCD Man goes to a crime scene, sees all the blood, utters "disgusting" and whips out his washing supplies and starts cleaning up the whole place.
No crime would ever get solved again.
2. Sandman as the mascot of KFC
3. MS Brownjacket or Lady Talksalot as Guest Lecturers on the Topic of "Too much Work is Bad for Your Life"
No point being indignant or claiming to the contrary, ye lot are workaholics and ye know it.
4. Ex Lord Botanist as the Poster boy for Abstinence
Some things just doesn't work
5. SS as the Spokesperson for any I/We Hate ____ Campaign
She likes HR people and Bongs, can ye really beat that?
6. Benny the Prude as a Producer of Porn Films
The name explains it
7. Literary Doglover as a documentary filmmaker
No bird will be safe is all that can be said in this matter.
8. Anoian Tippy Tapper as an editor/writer in a Sissy Girly Magazine
Can ye picture her going around writing muppetesque quizes for dummies and looking at engagement rings?
Ye can? She did? Oh!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Holy Mother of Phytoplanktons Fatman, What a Fortnighty Thingy
This is the Potato subbing for the Meister again. It seems some silly asses has gone and filled his head with ideas about writing fiction and publishing them etc. Ever since he has been dreaming of glory, success, fame etc.
Poor muppet, when will he learn
Anyway, it seems Meister had an interesting weekend (despite the best efforts of chupacabras and snotty people).
It all started on Friday.
Hippo was getting married. Meister was given an order to procure a bouquet of white flowers. Now Meister and flowers don't really get along very well. In fact, barring, roses, sunflowers and lotuses, he possibly wouldn't be able to identify any other flower for toffee.
So with some of them trepe..trepi...with a fair degree of fear, he set out for a flower shop. He found one in Begumpet and was about to park Baldrick illegally, when he came face to face with a traffic cop. Meister being one of them intelligent fellas immediately asked th cop for suggestions regarding where he could park. The cop, being Indian, immediately pointed to the same illegal space which Meister was eyeing.
Once that business was over, Meister entered the shop and in a few minutes managed to bug the crap out of the shop assistants with his incessant questions regarding what's this and what's that. Anyway after about 30-40 minutes of extreme hairpulling (on the part of the shop dudes) Meister got his bouquet. Suffice to say that there was no pink any where. It had something called Reincarnations (?), something called Asian Cauliflowers (?) and something that looked like a sunflower but had a different name.
With such weaponry in his arsenal, Meister went home, wore his skin tight khadis and proceeded to the wedding place.
And realised that he was easily the most over dressed and uncomfortable dimwit over there.
Why was he uncomfortable ye ask?
It was hot
This was the 1st time he was wearing a kurta
There were snotty people
Well, it was the 3rd reason whjich really got his goat actually.
Meister does not like snotty people. His proletariat blood boils when he encounters them rich upper class bossturds who think they are better than the Meister because they are richer and have attended la di dah schools or colleges or whatever.
There were a couple of such numbnuts over at the wedding. Old friends of the bride and Uber. They looked at the Meister as if he is something the cat dragged in (well to be fair, he almost always looks like he is something the cat dragged in, but thats beside the point) and tried their best to pretend that the Meister does not exist.
Meister suffered the indignity silently as he
a. did not want to mak a scene
b. did not want to be thrown out
Suffice to say, Meister's whole night was spoiled.
Oh, the Meisterbouquet ended up on a tree.
Sunday
Chelsea won the Premier League. Meister got to eat nice fish courtesy Uber and the Juicy Guy.
Monday
Morning: Uber said she will help the Meister in publishing etc.
So far so good. The Meister is ecstatic etc.
Well, something had to happen innit?
See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a continuous series of kicks in the bollocks.
And then Chelsea went ahead and compunded the problem by winning the double. Meister got happy again and so naturally......
Spondulitis, copious quantities of galis from boss people, no electricity, no internet, no Uber (she left) and then Baldrick shutting down shop.
And to put icing on the cake, a hurricane is coming.
Nice ain't it?
Well all this brings us to the conclusion that
Its high time that the rest of humanity save themselves and they can only do so by interring Meister in an underground nuclear buker in a deserted Pacific island with no fan, no comp and no TV.
Meister can't possibly get happy there and the world will be safe again.
And realised that he was easily the most over dressed and uncomfortable dimwit over there.
Why was he uncomfortable ye ask?
It was hot
This was the 1st time he was wearing a kurta
There were snotty people
Well, it was the 3rd reason whjich really got his goat actually.
Meister does not like snotty people. His proletariat blood boils when he encounters them rich upper class bossturds who think they are better than the Meister because they are richer and have attended la di dah schools or colleges or whatever.
There were a couple of such numbnuts over at the wedding. Old friends of the bride and Uber. They looked at the Meister as if he is something the cat dragged in (well to be fair, he almost always looks like he is something the cat dragged in, but thats beside the point) and tried their best to pretend that the Meister does not exist.
Meister suffered the indignity silently as he
a. did not want to mak a scene
b. did not want to be thrown out
Suffice to say, Meister's whole night was spoiled.
Oh, the Meisterbouquet ended up on a tree.
Sunday
Chelsea won the Premier League. Meister got to eat nice fish courtesy Uber and the Juicy Guy.
Monday
Morning: Uber said she will help the Meister in publishing etc.
So far so good. The Meister is ecstatic etc.
Well, something had to happen innit?
- A close dear friend's father had to be hospitalised
- Chupacabra ate the Meister's food
- Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion informed him that she is undergoing some tests for cancer
- Meister lost a full day's work as he forgot to save it
- Special One got married
See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a continuous series of kicks in the bollocks.
And then Chelsea went ahead and compunded the problem by winning the double. Meister got happy again and so naturally......
Spondulitis, copious quantities of galis from boss people, no electricity, no internet, no Uber (she left) and then Baldrick shutting down shop.
And to put icing on the cake, a hurricane is coming.
Nice ain't it?
Well all this brings us to the conclusion that
Its high time that the rest of humanity save themselves and they can only do so by interring Meister in an underground nuclear buker in a deserted Pacific island with no fan, no comp and no TV.
Meister can't possibly get happy there and the world will be safe again.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Swadeshi Meister
Well, the Hippo got married.
And Meister wanted to gift something Indian to him. General concensus veered to a short kurta (who knew they existed...crazy fashion) it being all Indian.
So the Meister decided to buy that.
Having fixed that, next part of the quest was finding out where a kurta can be found.
Ok for those sniggering at the back, Meister has never bought any kind of Indian clothing in his life.
He does not wear dhotis because thats just a reprehensible obscene piece of garment directly responsible for the Indians losing each and every one of their wars agains foreign invaders.
He does not wear pyjamas because of the absence of zippers in the said garment (peeing is too much of a bother).
And he does not wear kurtas coz they are just too much of a bother - (washing, ironing, folding bloody hell)
Anyway, Uber suggested FabIndia. But since the Meister is against upper class imperialist hedgemonistic capitalist organisations, he said: no way Jose.
He instead decided that he will buy Khadi stuff - as swadeshi as you can get.
Well, having decided that he bullied the Literary Doglover to accompany him to the shops.
So they went and they found a nice wee thing for the Hippo.
Meister got all excited and in a fit of patriotism decided that he wants one - only in a much much bigger size of course.
The Doglover was telling the Meister about a couple of friends of hers from USA USA USA who came down here and bought kurtas and then got stuck.
And so guess what hsappened?
That's right
Meister got stuck in the damn thing as well.
It was terrible!!!! Meister's hands were over his head and akimbo, his vision was blocked, he couldn't move his head.
Doglover and a shopdude started pulling things and after 5 mins of extreme efforts, finally the Meister was free....exhausted but free.
Suffice to say that he bought the stuff.
But thats not important, what is important is the fact that the Literary Doglover finally got her wish. Her dreams came true.
She got to take off the Meister's clothes.
She hasn't stopped smiling.
And Meister wanted to gift something Indian to him. General concensus veered to a short kurta (who knew they existed...crazy fashion) it being all Indian.
So the Meister decided to buy that.
Having fixed that, next part of the quest was finding out where a kurta can be found.
Ok for those sniggering at the back, Meister has never bought any kind of Indian clothing in his life.
He does not wear dhotis because thats just a reprehensible obscene piece of garment directly responsible for the Indians losing each and every one of their wars agains foreign invaders.
He does not wear pyjamas because of the absence of zippers in the said garment (peeing is too much of a bother).
And he does not wear kurtas coz they are just too much of a bother - (washing, ironing, folding bloody hell)
Anyway, Uber suggested FabIndia. But since the Meister is against upper class imperialist hedgemonistic capitalist organisations, he said: no way Jose.
He instead decided that he will buy Khadi stuff - as swadeshi as you can get.
Well, having decided that he bullied the Literary Doglover to accompany him to the shops.
So they went and they found a nice wee thing for the Hippo.
Meister got all excited and in a fit of patriotism decided that he wants one - only in a much much bigger size of course.
The Doglover was telling the Meister about a couple of friends of hers from USA USA USA who came down here and bought kurtas and then got stuck.
And so guess what hsappened?
That's right
Meister got stuck in the damn thing as well.
It was terrible!!!! Meister's hands were over his head and akimbo, his vision was blocked, he couldn't move his head.
Doglover and a shopdude started pulling things and after 5 mins of extreme efforts, finally the Meister was free....exhausted but free.
Suffice to say that he bought the stuff.
But thats not important, what is important is the fact that the Literary Doglover finally got her wish. Her dreams came true.
She got to take off the Meister's clothes.
She hasn't stopped smiling.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Return of the Count
Well it seems that the Count is sad.
Which count ye ask?
Well the Meister is talking about his good friend the Count Luigi Christopher di Jimborghini...aka the Artist formerly known as Stupid Bastard.
You all knew him as stupid, you all know that he is a bastard. What you perhaps did not know was that ever since the death of Bruno, he had been looking for a new life partner.
After about 2 years of searching he finally found his partner - Garfield.
They completed each other. They had so much fun (even in that Guusforsaken piece of crap place dominated by cultural studies hypocrites).
Those were the days...the heady feeling of new love transcended them to a more beautiful realm.
But alas, in the Eden, came a monster...well 2 actually - Abhe Bhaiya and Hijra Bhaiya. They massacred and burnt down Eden and drove away all its inhabitants.
The Count called for help and his loyal page - that good for nothing cheapo fat waste of oxygen - duly obliged and whisked him away. Garfield was left behind in the melee.
Fortuntely he survived the massacre. But the seeds of discontnt was sown.
The Count pined and pined for his lover, and when opportunity struck, and surreptitously came back into his domain to meet his lost love.
Garfield and the Count were overjoyed at their happy reunion.
Well, so it seemed.
But lust and jealously reared their ugly heads.
Apparently Garfield became jealous that the Count had spent a number of days in the presence of a female. The Count begged him to understand that the female concerned is a crap eating Chupacabra and that she means nothing to him.
But alas no amount of reasoning proved adequate.
Garfield broke off their relationship and to teach the Count a lesson started a rebound relationship with a female.
The Count caught them one day in flagrante.
He was heartbroken.
He was devastated.
His whole world came crashing down.
He could not bear watching the love of his life gallivanting around other females.
So, with no other recourse open to him, he bid adeu to his kingdom (or countdom as the case may be) and slowly and wearily trudged his way back to the lair of the hairy beast......one place in the world where he was welcomed with open arms and chicken bones.
Poor Count.
Which count ye ask?
Well the Meister is talking about his good friend the Count Luigi Christopher di Jimborghini...aka the Artist formerly known as Stupid Bastard.
You all knew him as stupid, you all know that he is a bastard. What you perhaps did not know was that ever since the death of Bruno, he had been looking for a new life partner.
After about 2 years of searching he finally found his partner - Garfield.
They completed each other. They had so much fun (even in that Guusforsaken piece of crap place dominated by cultural studies hypocrites).
Those were the days...the heady feeling of new love transcended them to a more beautiful realm.
But alas, in the Eden, came a monster...well 2 actually - Abhe Bhaiya and Hijra Bhaiya. They massacred and burnt down Eden and drove away all its inhabitants.
The Count called for help and his loyal page - that good for nothing cheapo fat waste of oxygen - duly obliged and whisked him away. Garfield was left behind in the melee.
Fortuntely he survived the massacre. But the seeds of discontnt was sown.
The Count pined and pined for his lover, and when opportunity struck, and surreptitously came back into his domain to meet his lost love.
Garfield and the Count were overjoyed at their happy reunion.
Well, so it seemed.
But lust and jealously reared their ugly heads.
Apparently Garfield became jealous that the Count had spent a number of days in the presence of a female. The Count begged him to understand that the female concerned is a crap eating Chupacabra and that she means nothing to him.
But alas no amount of reasoning proved adequate.
Garfield broke off their relationship and to teach the Count a lesson started a rebound relationship with a female.
The Count caught them one day in flagrante.
He was heartbroken.
He was devastated.
His whole world came crashing down.
He could not bear watching the love of his life gallivanting around other females.
So, with no other recourse open to him, he bid adeu to his kingdom (or countdom as the case may be) and slowly and wearily trudged his way back to the lair of the hairy beast......one place in the world where he was welcomed with open arms and chicken bones.
Poor Count.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Evil Spirits
Recently (don't ask when, its all lost in the mists of time), the Meister was discussing evil spirits, demons etc with the Anoian Tippy Tapper. Maybe the recent Chupacabra infestation of the Meisterhouse was a reason for discussion.
Apparently they (the coconut oil lovers) have a creature called Yakshi who go around drinking blood and killing people. A female vampire in other words.
Well, motherland (Bong country - a place from where Meister has been disqualified for
a. calling Tagore over rated (as a story writer and painter)
b. refusing to act like a pompous twat or be politically correct
c. announcing, in an SFI convention, that his favorite politician is George W Bush
d. laughing hysterically during a sombre poetry recital
e. announcing that all poets, amateur singers and those into amateur dramatics should be kept locked up)
also has its own share of vampires and blood suckers. You can identify them by the fact that they go around calling each other comrades.
Now while chatting, the Meister regaled (or bored the crap out of) the Anoian with a story from motherland. Here it is now for the rest of ye lot.
There was this very famous and rich trader. He was a fan of Lord Shiva (he had the jerseys, the flags, the scarves etc the whole shcamoddle so to speak). He said he will worship only Shiva and no one else (the one club, one love syndrome). Now this pissed off Manasa, the goddess of snakes. She was flexing her muscles and buying up all the important personalities. She threatened the trader with direconsequences (snake bites) if he doesn't worship her.
The trader said: pffft my fffttt, piss off etc etc.
Manasa was enraged but couldn't do anything as the dude was a supporter of Lord Shiva. She waited
Now the trader had a son called Lokhinder. For all intents and purposes he was a complete waste of time and story space (much like Nani). Anyway, that dummy got married to a girl called Behula (who named these people??? seriously!!!! from the whole plethora of sexy girl names to choose from they chose Behula - which btw is similar to the Bong term for violins, go figure).
The trader was concerned and he protected everything with lots of soldiers, he blocked all doors, lit up all places, cleaned all areas etcetc.
The wedding night arrived, the newly weds started fucking, and just when things got really interesting, a snake came to the wedding room through a hole in the wall and bit the groom to death. Behula, who was on the verge of orgasm, was understandably distraught. (Meister had problems empathising with her situation untill the use of an analogy - imagine its the Champs League final, the last penalty kick, if u score u win...and your captain goes and falls flat on his arse)
Howls of anguish and nooooooooooooooooooo was heard for miles around (not from Behula but from Meister that night).
Behula was so sexually frustrated that she decided that she announced that she is going to appeal to people upstairs.
People were initially baffled as they were simple folk and there were only one story houses back then.
Understanding dawned after the use of a few choiced invectives by Behula.
They built a raft and put the groom's body in it, Behula then boarded and set sail for heaven. She started meditating and praying. her prayers were so succesful that Indra (the 2nd biggest luj character of them all) instructed his assistant to "Beam em up Scotty" (c. Anoian Tippy Tapper)
Once she reached the place, she first of all puked a lot (movement sickness you see). Once that was over, she started protesting to the gods about the rights of man, or in this case woman - Emmeline Pankhurst has nothing on the Indian girls eh.
She was so infuriated that apparently she started dancing (don't ask why, weird girl that) ....the gods being complete and utter luj characters, got infatuated with her and told her: Ask a boon, come on come on ask something from us.
She said: Give my husband's life back, you dickheads
Gods were like, sure (though Indra apparently murmured something like - but she didn't take off any clothes, but couldn't protest much as the whole plethora of goddesses started giving him dirty looks).
Manasa however protested, she said : "no way Jose" etc
Gods were in trouble, on the 1 hand they had given their words, on the other hand, though immortal, no one wants to get bitten by snakes.
So they formed a committe to look into the matter. (seriously did we Indians have...sigh)
After copious quantities of ambrosia was consumed and heated discussions - apparently there was no accord between the Conservative party led by Brahma and the Neo Liberals led by Ganesha - they finally decided to approach the trader.
They went to the trader and tried to persuade him to worship Manasa.
He said: foock off
The committe was in trouble. Finding no other options, they approached Lord Shiva.
They told him of the matter.
Siva: Its like all cool bro. I will like talk to the fellow whatsisname, don't worry, peace man. Now give me my bong unless you want to get blown into smithscreens.
He promptly forgot everything about it.
After about 4 reminders, he finally sent a message to the trader - Hey man its all cool ROTFL, u can worship Manasa man LMAO, I don't mind. Incidentally, I have heard that they are growing some seriously cool shit over at that place next to that thing which comes after that stuff, you know what I mean. Next time you do them ritual thingies, throw some of that shit in the fire will you. C U L8R
So the trader, while performing puja to Shiva, throws a few flowers to Manasa's idol as well.
Gods: Ah, have accord, we can give back the life.
Manasa: No, I want roses and candlelight and.....
Kartik: If you don't agree now, I will tell dad that your snakes have recently destroyed a few acres of prime farmland where they were growing weed.
Life was given back hurriedly.
Anyway, Meister asked his colleagues whether they knew about any Telugu evil spirit or demon etc. The anser was a blank look and shakes of heads.
Getting no help from that quarter, Meister started thinking (stop sniggering), and within minutes got the answer.
There are indeed a group of creatures who make the Telugus whimper in fear. They all break out in sweat and start muttering prayers to their extensive plethora of gods for protection.
This group of creatures is so vile, so dangerous, so bloodthirsty, so malignant and mortiferous, so savage that they have driven all other demons and evil creatures away from the land.
This group is far far far more dangerous than Al Qaida, Taleban, LeT, Klu Klux Klan, the Thuggies and amateur poets combined.
They can not only destroy your own body and soul but also that of your preceding 17 and succeeding 18 generations.
If you utter their names loudly, not only you, but your family, your clan, your community, your viallge, town, city etc all get cursed.
So whisper the name quietly, and then pray pray pray
BACHELORS
Apparently they (the coconut oil lovers) have a creature called Yakshi who go around drinking blood and killing people. A female vampire in other words.
Well, motherland (Bong country - a place from where Meister has been disqualified for
a. calling Tagore over rated (as a story writer and painter)
b. refusing to act like a pompous twat or be politically correct
c. announcing, in an SFI convention, that his favorite politician is George W Bush
d. laughing hysterically during a sombre poetry recital
e. announcing that all poets, amateur singers and those into amateur dramatics should be kept locked up)
also has its own share of vampires and blood suckers. You can identify them by the fact that they go around calling each other comrades.
Now while chatting, the Meister regaled (or bored the crap out of) the Anoian with a story from motherland. Here it is now for the rest of ye lot.
There was this very famous and rich trader. He was a fan of Lord Shiva (he had the jerseys, the flags, the scarves etc the whole shcamoddle so to speak). He said he will worship only Shiva and no one else (the one club, one love syndrome). Now this pissed off Manasa, the goddess of snakes. She was flexing her muscles and buying up all the important personalities. She threatened the trader with direconsequences (snake bites) if he doesn't worship her.
The trader said: pffft my fffttt, piss off etc etc.
Manasa was enraged but couldn't do anything as the dude was a supporter of Lord Shiva. She waited
Now the trader had a son called Lokhinder. For all intents and purposes he was a complete waste of time and story space (much like Nani). Anyway, that dummy got married to a girl called Behula (who named these people??? seriously!!!! from the whole plethora of sexy girl names to choose from they chose Behula - which btw is similar to the Bong term for violins, go figure).
The trader was concerned and he protected everything with lots of soldiers, he blocked all doors, lit up all places, cleaned all areas etcetc.
The wedding night arrived, the newly weds started fucking, and just when things got really interesting, a snake came to the wedding room through a hole in the wall and bit the groom to death. Behula, who was on the verge of orgasm, was understandably distraught. (Meister had problems empathising with her situation untill the use of an analogy - imagine its the Champs League final, the last penalty kick, if u score u win...and your captain goes and falls flat on his arse)
Howls of anguish and nooooooooooooooooooo was heard for miles around (not from Behula but from Meister that night).
Behula was so sexually frustrated that she decided that she announced that she is going to appeal to people upstairs.
People were initially baffled as they were simple folk and there were only one story houses back then.
Understanding dawned after the use of a few choiced invectives by Behula.
They built a raft and put the groom's body in it, Behula then boarded and set sail for heaven. She started meditating and praying. her prayers were so succesful that Indra (the 2nd biggest luj character of them all) instructed his assistant to "Beam em up Scotty" (c. Anoian Tippy Tapper)
Once she reached the place, she first of all puked a lot (movement sickness you see). Once that was over, she started protesting to the gods about the rights of man, or in this case woman - Emmeline Pankhurst has nothing on the Indian girls eh.
She was so infuriated that apparently she started dancing (don't ask why, weird girl that) ....the gods being complete and utter luj characters, got infatuated with her and told her: Ask a boon, come on come on ask something from us.
She said: Give my husband's life back, you dickheads
Gods were like, sure (though Indra apparently murmured something like - but she didn't take off any clothes, but couldn't protest much as the whole plethora of goddesses started giving him dirty looks).
Manasa however protested, she said : "no way Jose" etc
Gods were in trouble, on the 1 hand they had given their words, on the other hand, though immortal, no one wants to get bitten by snakes.
So they formed a committe to look into the matter. (seriously did we Indians have...sigh)
After copious quantities of ambrosia was consumed and heated discussions - apparently there was no accord between the Conservative party led by Brahma and the Neo Liberals led by Ganesha - they finally decided to approach the trader.
They went to the trader and tried to persuade him to worship Manasa.
He said: foock off
The committe was in trouble. Finding no other options, they approached Lord Shiva.
They told him of the matter.
Siva: Its like all cool bro. I will like talk to the fellow whatsisname, don't worry, peace man. Now give me my bong unless you want to get blown into smithscreens.
He promptly forgot everything about it.
After about 4 reminders, he finally sent a message to the trader - Hey man its all cool ROTFL, u can worship Manasa man LMAO, I don't mind. Incidentally, I have heard that they are growing some seriously cool shit over at that place next to that thing which comes after that stuff, you know what I mean. Next time you do them ritual thingies, throw some of that shit in the fire will you. C U L8R
So the trader, while performing puja to Shiva, throws a few flowers to Manasa's idol as well.
Gods: Ah, have accord, we can give back the life.
Manasa: No, I want roses and candlelight and.....
Kartik: If you don't agree now, I will tell dad that your snakes have recently destroyed a few acres of prime farmland where they were growing weed.
Life was given back hurriedly.
Anyway, Meister asked his colleagues whether they knew about any Telugu evil spirit or demon etc. The anser was a blank look and shakes of heads.
Getting no help from that quarter, Meister started thinking (stop sniggering), and within minutes got the answer.
There are indeed a group of creatures who make the Telugus whimper in fear. They all break out in sweat and start muttering prayers to their extensive plethora of gods for protection.
This group of creatures is so vile, so dangerous, so bloodthirsty, so malignant and mortiferous, so savage that they have driven all other demons and evil creatures away from the land.
This group is far far far more dangerous than Al Qaida, Taleban, LeT, Klu Klux Klan, the Thuggies and amateur poets combined.
They can not only destroy your own body and soul but also that of your preceding 17 and succeeding 18 generations.
If you utter their names loudly, not only you, but your family, your clan, your community, your viallge, town, city etc all get cursed.
So whisper the name quietly, and then pray pray pray
BACHELORS
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Meister's on a Highway to Nadir
It has been well documented and statistically proven that good things on a sustained basis do not happen to the Meister (unlike bad things on a continuous basis, which has never let go of Meister's hands, legs, bollocks etc)
Whenever something even remotely good happens, it is immediately and almost always inevitably followed by something much worse.
So imagine the Meister's consternation when a succession of goodly things started happening in his life. He gets invited to birthday parties, he gets free ice cream samples, Chelsea wins games emphatically and reaches the very edge of a double. He was definitely on the journey to zenith.
Meister could feel disaster, sadness, misery etc etc looming on the horizon. He could feel it in his blood, nerves, corpuscles, pee, crap etc etc.
And guess what, the journey to nadir started (as predicted, as envisaged)
1. The Spawn of Sauron and a Chupacabra decides to haunt the Meisterplace.
She
Lets see a typical day
Meister goes to sleep at 130
At 7 in the morning, she starts whining again so Meister wakes up and with bleary eyes takes her out for a walk, she pees and craps a whole bucket, and then comes back
Meister could feel disaster, sadness, misery etc etc looming on the horizon. He could feel it in his blood, nerves, corpuscles, pee, crap etc etc.
And guess what, the journey to nadir started (as predicted, as envisaged)
1. The Spawn of Sauron and a Chupacabra decides to haunt the Meisterplace.
She
- Eats part of the Meisterdoor
- Regularly wakes up Meister in the middle of the night
- Craps in his apartment
- Pees in his apartment
- Pees all over him
- Eats his bedsheet
- Eats his Landmark bag
- Beat up Jimbo
- Emits noxious dangerous fumes from her arse (if canned, can be classified as an WMD)
Lets see a typical day
Meister goes to sleep at 130
From 230 she starts scratching the door and whining
Meister wakes up to see whats the matter and opens door, she happily comes and lies down in front of the cooler and withing 5 minutes starts snoring and farting
At 845 while Meister is reading the newspaper, she pees and moves while peeing thereby spraying it all over Meister (yes the only creature who moves while peeing)
2. Meister's office decides on a cost cutting exercise where they stop paying salaries to employess
3. Meister's netbanking stops working
4. Meister's hands shake so much that he drops an almost full cup of Barrista cold coffee
5. People start being all condescending and mean
6. People start making fun of the Meister
7. People start lying and insulting his intelligence (stop sniggering)
And all this in the space of only 2-3 days, so you can anticipate whats gonna happen in the coming days can't you
The journey continues, Nadir is in sight,
all of this means that we are gonna lose to Portsmouth and Wigan
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHHH
P.S. People keep asking the Meister why he doesn't get married.
Well judging by history, he will probably suffer from erectile disfunction, impotency and premature ejaculation and his wife will cheat on him.
So no thanks. The Meisterlife is sad enough already
Monday, April 26, 2010
Dorks through the Ages
Ahh, the dorks, those perennial victims in movies...those outstanding citizens who are the butt of everybody's jokes...the ones who never get the girls in colleges (well unless the dorks are girls, in which case, they never get the hunks)..but who end up being heroes - every single nutter one of them.
We start in distant antiquity...a few years after the species pondered on and eventually voted for its as yet greatest (Special One bound to disagree) career decision - to branch off and to come down from the trees.
You see there was this fat lazy bugger, who hated walking, running, hunting and any other type of exercise so much that he never went out, the neandhertal just stayed in his cave all day fiddling with stuff. he was so anipathic to locomotion that he was forever thinking of something that will carry him with minimum effort - and after a few hiccups and swearings, voila - he got the wheel...bless ye laddie bless ye, ye probably got a girl, but you have made the Meister's life much much much easier.
We Indians have traditionally been uber-lazy asses (a tradition Meister is whole-heartedly upholding). As a result, we have always spoken highly of dorks. Dorks have always been respected and venerated here. And we have had and still continue to hav a massive plethora of dorks....liberally interspaced by complete and utter nerds. We are perhaps the only country in the world where physical prowess is frowned upon. And the biggest dork in our history probably is Aryabhatta. Great man - but total dork.
The man proposed that the earth rotates on an axis. He developed the since, cosine etc and so gave birth to trigonometry (why man why), he did weird things to algebra and that number pi, he more or less accurately calculated the circumference of the planet and the length of the sidereal rotations and sidereal years. He explained eclipses.
But perhaps his greatest achievement, and the one for which he is really famous is the invention of absolutely nothing. Yes people, the legend invented 0. Seriously people, think about how big dork person has to be to invent nothingness. As one of the mancient Brahmins, there is a distinct probability that he never went near a woman.
Another legenday dork was that German fella Guttenberg. The fella invented/created the printing press..(though he later bankrupt.....Bible? Bible? come on man, if you want money, fame and readership print either a footy magazine or erotic stories). According to wiki, he never got married either.
Another famous dork has been ole Leonardo. The man is widely thought of as the most diversely talented man in history (well thought of by everybody except the memebers of the Creature Fan Club...who believe Creature to be the most taleneted creature ever). The man is famous for his paintings of the Last Supper, the Vitruvian Man and Mona Ogg. He also conceptualised a hang glider, a helicopter, a tank, a calculator an automated bobbin winder and a machine for testing the tensile strength of wire. He did lots of research on optics, anatomy etc. But the thing is he never got a girl. What a dork though.
Now we come to ole Sir Isaac. A man so big a dork that instead of spending his free times talking to girls, he used to go and sit below apple trees. A man so legendary a dork that when a neighbourhood rowdy threw an apple at him, instead of throwing it back or eating it, he deveoped the notion of gravity. Suffice to say no girl ever came within a mile of him.
The new generation dorks - Bill Gates, Sergei and Larry have bucked the trend - they got the money, the lespect and the goils, thus fulfilling the ancient Biblical prophesy that the dorks shall inherit the earth.
So here's to ye dorks, ye certainly made the Meister's life much easier.
We start in distant antiquity...a few years after the species pondered on and eventually voted for its as yet greatest (Special One bound to disagree) career decision - to branch off and to come down from the trees.
You see there was this fat lazy bugger, who hated walking, running, hunting and any other type of exercise so much that he never went out, the neandhertal just stayed in his cave all day fiddling with stuff. he was so anipathic to locomotion that he was forever thinking of something that will carry him with minimum effort - and after a few hiccups and swearings, voila - he got the wheel...bless ye laddie bless ye, ye probably got a girl, but you have made the Meister's life much much much easier.
We Indians have traditionally been uber-lazy asses (a tradition Meister is whole-heartedly upholding). As a result, we have always spoken highly of dorks. Dorks have always been respected and venerated here. And we have had and still continue to hav a massive plethora of dorks....liberally interspaced by complete and utter nerds. We are perhaps the only country in the world where physical prowess is frowned upon. And the biggest dork in our history probably is Aryabhatta. Great man - but total dork.
The man proposed that the earth rotates on an axis. He developed the since, cosine etc and so gave birth to trigonometry (why man why), he did weird things to algebra and that number pi, he more or less accurately calculated the circumference of the planet and the length of the sidereal rotations and sidereal years. He explained eclipses.
But perhaps his greatest achievement, and the one for which he is really famous is the invention of absolutely nothing. Yes people, the legend invented 0. Seriously people, think about how big dork person has to be to invent nothingness. As one of the mancient Brahmins, there is a distinct probability that he never went near a woman.
Another legenday dork was that German fella Guttenberg. The fella invented/created the printing press..(though he later bankrupt.....Bible? Bible? come on man, if you want money, fame and readership print either a footy magazine or erotic stories). According to wiki, he never got married either.
Another famous dork has been ole Leonardo. The man is widely thought of as the most diversely talented man in history (well thought of by everybody except the memebers of the Creature Fan Club...who believe Creature to be the most taleneted creature ever). The man is famous for his paintings of the Last Supper, the Vitruvian Man and Mona Ogg. He also conceptualised a hang glider, a helicopter, a tank, a calculator an automated bobbin winder and a machine for testing the tensile strength of wire. He did lots of research on optics, anatomy etc. But the thing is he never got a girl. What a dork though.
Now we come to ole Sir Isaac. A man so big a dork that instead of spending his free times talking to girls, he used to go and sit below apple trees. A man so legendary a dork that when a neighbourhood rowdy threw an apple at him, instead of throwing it back or eating it, he deveoped the notion of gravity. Suffice to say no girl ever came within a mile of him.
The new generation dorks - Bill Gates, Sergei and Larry have bucked the trend - they got the money, the lespect and the goils, thus fulfilling the ancient Biblical prophesy that the dorks shall inherit the earth.
So here's to ye dorks, ye certainly made the Meister's life much easier.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Heil Meister
Well, the Meister has done it, he has done it people.
Today morning, while coming to office, Meister's bike put up a cease work notice and went to sleep.
Meister was like "wooo mama, now what am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do".
Passerbyes on the road were treated to a spectacle of an elephantine man moving around like a headless chicken.
Then in one of his rare moments of mental lucidity, Meister had the brainwave of calling his mechanic dude. The dude told Meister, "check the fuse".
The Meister was about to ask "what's a fuse?", when in another moment of awe-inspiring inspiration he changed it to "where's the fuse?"
Upon hearing of the location, Meister pulled up his shirtsleeves (not an easy task as he was wearing a half-sleeved shirt), and then unlocked and pulled out his battery (man that was heavy) and unscrewed the fuse.
He then got the replacement fuse and screwed it into the battery (sigh that was possibly the only time in Meister's life where he managed to fit a long thing in a hole and screw anything...poor Meister)
And voila, the thing came back to life.
So, once again the Meister has managed to prove to the world that, despite all evidence to the contrary, and in spite of numerous allegations from the cultural studies hypocrites,
Meister is not a complete waste of oxygen and space.
He rocks.
Today morning, while coming to office, Meister's bike put up a cease work notice and went to sleep.
Meister was like "wooo mama, now what am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do".
Passerbyes on the road were treated to a spectacle of an elephantine man moving around like a headless chicken.
Then in one of his rare moments of mental lucidity, Meister had the brainwave of calling his mechanic dude. The dude told Meister, "check the fuse".
The Meister was about to ask "what's a fuse?", when in another moment of awe-inspiring inspiration he changed it to "where's the fuse?"
Upon hearing of the location, Meister pulled up his shirtsleeves (not an easy task as he was wearing a half-sleeved shirt), and then unlocked and pulled out his battery (man that was heavy) and unscrewed the fuse.
He then got the replacement fuse and screwed it into the battery (sigh that was possibly the only time in Meister's life where he managed to fit a long thing in a hole and screw anything...poor Meister)
And voila, the thing came back to life.
So, once again the Meister has managed to prove to the world that, despite all evidence to the contrary, and in spite of numerous allegations from the cultural studies hypocrites,
Meister is not a complete waste of oxygen and space.
He rocks.
Epic Fail
Recently, there has been a lot of negative feedback regarding the Meisterblog. And strangely, surprisingly and sadly, its been regarding the Meister's deep dislike and disgust of a certain creature (and its mentor). It seems that said creature has so succesfully managed to brainwash the populace that they see nowt wrong in mollycoddling and supporting said creature. The populace have now taken to spewing forth claims that Meister is unnecessarily harsh on said creature and that Meister will be sued etc.
Said creature hasn't had the balls to say anything (no surprises there); said creature's so-called-mentor tried and was ordered to piss off - these two, by the way have their heads stuck so far up each other's ass that they can only see, smell, hear, taste the world through a pile of deepshit
All that the Meister can say in this matter is that:
1. The PC brigade (or the brigade which has had courage surgically removed from their essence) still hasn't managed to castrate the Meister and never will till his dying breath (coming very soon to a hospital near you). Whatever else the Meister is, he ain't a foocking hypocrite he will say the same thing to someone's face and to his back - unlike most people who will be all lovey dovey and very nice to the face and all bitchy once the back is turned
2. Meister has lost faith in a humanity (yes yes again) which sees fit to support said creature and that they deserve whatever comes their way.
Meister gives up. He expected better from certain people, well he should have known better.
All Meister requests, and requests fervently, is for the populace to leave him alone and to never utter the name of the said creature in his presence. The AP Fan Club can love him, adore him, support him, put him on a throne, put him on their heads, lick his ass - whatever.
Meister doesn't care anymore. Its just an epic failure of humanity.
Rant over.
Now, talking of epic failsures, Meister was recently thinking about what will constitute the Top 10 Epic Fails in History. Here's what he could think of.
1. Inalchuk, governor of Otrar, killing the envoys of (and consequently pissing off) Ghenzis Khan
Way to go dumbass, you are single-handedly resposible for the complete ands utter destruction of your empire and your people....not to mention getting liquid silver poured into your eyes, ears nose etc etc
2. Napolean invading Russia
Invading the Austrians and the Spaniards (seriously everyone beats these 2, they are like the whipping boys of the western world) and invading the Russians - not the same thing eh?
On an aside only 1 group has ever successfully manged to invade Russia and thats those Mongols (who probably considered the Russian winter as springtime).
3. Paris eloping with Helen
The wife of the King of Sparta? When the brother of the said king is the bloody King of Athens and can call upon the King of Ithaca (never mind Achilles).... Seriously??
If love is blind, then someone should have taught this lad Braille. Numbnut
4. Ravana abducting Sita
Well at least Ravana can plead ignorance, he thought he was just abducting some forest dweller. You should have thought with your head, not your balls dude...and oh you should never have listened to Surpanakha
5. Porus using elephants on the river bank against Alexander
Mobility my dear Sir, mobility.
Ok, so he was defending his realm and showed real heroism etc etc but great millitary strategist he ain't. Well can't really blame him. Our (Indian) history is full of brilliant geniuses of battlefield tacticians.
6. Charge of the Light Brigade
Speaking of complete and utter incompetence
7. Whoever constructed/founded Pompey
Hey look this looks like such a beautiful place. Its just under a foocking volcano, why don't we build a city here
8. The Austrian and French armies, and oh also the Spanish
The Austrians have never won anything. Absolutely nothing. Why they ever bothered to have an army is beyond the Meister.
The Spaniards have created mass genocide when the opposition had bows and arrows etc but have had their asses handed out to them from Francis Drake to Nelson to Napolean right down to Simon Boliver.
The French, oh boy the French, the last and only French winner was that William, Duke of Normandy and that was 1066......they haven't won anything since.
9. Marcus Antonius (can't be arsed to Wiki him and get his full name)
Dude, making speeches are all well and good, but did you seriously have to piss off Octavian by declaring Ceaserion as the heir of Julius? You would think someone would have better sense than to oppose the most popular and powerful man of the empire.
10. Admit it, you thought this was going to be about said creature's parents fucking without protection thereby giving rise to such a disgusting reprehensible waste of oxygen, didn't you?
Nope, no 10 refers to Meister falling in love - it has only led to doom, gloom, misery, heartbreak and all other kinds of sad stuff. The iconic idiot should have stuck to cake and footy but no like a dynamic dumdum he decided to wade in waters he has been disqualified from.
Sigh
Well, its not all bad, it has given Meister a reason to look forward to his impending death - he wants to go the afterlife and give the soul of Tennyson the world's biggest wedgie. Better to have Loved and lost Meister's ass.
Said creature hasn't had the balls to say anything (no surprises there); said creature's so-called-mentor tried and was ordered to piss off - these two, by the way have their heads stuck so far up each other's ass that they can only see, smell, hear, taste the world through a pile of deepshit
All that the Meister can say in this matter is that:
1. The PC brigade (or the brigade which has had courage surgically removed from their essence) still hasn't managed to castrate the Meister and never will till his dying breath (coming very soon to a hospital near you). Whatever else the Meister is, he ain't a foocking hypocrite he will say the same thing to someone's face and to his back - unlike most people who will be all lovey dovey and very nice to the face and all bitchy once the back is turned
2. Meister has lost faith in a humanity (yes yes again) which sees fit to support said creature and that they deserve whatever comes their way.
Meister gives up. He expected better from certain people, well he should have known better.
All Meister requests, and requests fervently, is for the populace to leave him alone and to never utter the name of the said creature in his presence. The AP Fan Club can love him, adore him, support him, put him on a throne, put him on their heads, lick his ass - whatever.
Meister doesn't care anymore. Its just an epic failure of humanity.
Rant over.
Now, talking of epic failsures, Meister was recently thinking about what will constitute the Top 10 Epic Fails in History. Here's what he could think of.
1. Inalchuk, governor of Otrar, killing the envoys of (and consequently pissing off) Ghenzis Khan
Way to go dumbass, you are single-handedly resposible for the complete ands utter destruction of your empire and your people....not to mention getting liquid silver poured into your eyes, ears nose etc etc
2. Napolean invading Russia
Invading the Austrians and the Spaniards (seriously everyone beats these 2, they are like the whipping boys of the western world) and invading the Russians - not the same thing eh?
On an aside only 1 group has ever successfully manged to invade Russia and thats those Mongols (who probably considered the Russian winter as springtime).
3. Paris eloping with Helen
The wife of the King of Sparta? When the brother of the said king is the bloody King of Athens and can call upon the King of Ithaca (never mind Achilles).... Seriously??
If love is blind, then someone should have taught this lad Braille. Numbnut
4. Ravana abducting Sita
Well at least Ravana can plead ignorance, he thought he was just abducting some forest dweller. You should have thought with your head, not your balls dude...and oh you should never have listened to Surpanakha
5. Porus using elephants on the river bank against Alexander
Mobility my dear Sir, mobility.
Ok, so he was defending his realm and showed real heroism etc etc but great millitary strategist he ain't. Well can't really blame him. Our (Indian) history is full of brilliant geniuses of battlefield tacticians.
6. Charge of the Light Brigade
Speaking of complete and utter incompetence
7. Whoever constructed/founded Pompey
Hey look this looks like such a beautiful place. Its just under a foocking volcano, why don't we build a city here
8. The Austrian and French armies, and oh also the Spanish
The Austrians have never won anything. Absolutely nothing. Why they ever bothered to have an army is beyond the Meister.
The Spaniards have created mass genocide when the opposition had bows and arrows etc but have had their asses handed out to them from Francis Drake to Nelson to Napolean right down to Simon Boliver.
The French, oh boy the French, the last and only French winner was that William, Duke of Normandy and that was 1066......they haven't won anything since.
9. Marcus Antonius (can't be arsed to Wiki him and get his full name)
Dude, making speeches are all well and good, but did you seriously have to piss off Octavian by declaring Ceaserion as the heir of Julius? You would think someone would have better sense than to oppose the most popular and powerful man of the empire.
10. Admit it, you thought this was going to be about said creature's parents fucking without protection thereby giving rise to such a disgusting reprehensible waste of oxygen, didn't you?
Nope, no 10 refers to Meister falling in love - it has only led to doom, gloom, misery, heartbreak and all other kinds of sad stuff. The iconic idiot should have stuck to cake and footy but no like a dynamic dumdum he decided to wade in waters he has been disqualified from.
Sigh
Well, its not all bad, it has given Meister a reason to look forward to his impending death - he wants to go the afterlife and give the soul of Tennyson the world's biggest wedgie. Better to have Loved and lost Meister's ass.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Meistelligence Quotient
When Meister was a wee lil nipper and has not fully metamorphosed into the complete basketcase that he is today, Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion once took him to one of them Psycho dudes. Come to think of it it was after them days when Meister got hold of a scissor and cut away clumps of his own hair....hmm
Meister was told that they were going to conduct one of them IQ test thingies.
Them IQ thingies eh, supposedly they measure a person's intelligence.
Anyway Meister sat down to take the test......the dude kept showing the Meister them shadow picture thingies..................Meister kept on guessing its a footy match, its a tackle, thats a goal, thats a red card, thats offside, thats a naked woman, that's 2 naked women eating cake etc etc, and the investigator dude kept on sighing and shaking his head...
Once the test got over, Meister went and sat in the corner and chatted with the voices in his head while the dude talked to the Esteemed Nutter. Meister later asked the Nutter how good he did and the Nutter told him "you did well", "you are special sunshine" etc. She did have tears in her eyes at the moment. Meister thought thats tears of pride (later events and Meistric actions have confirmed that they were tears of sorrow, misery heartbreak etc etc).
For a long time, Meister could not figure out how the calculation etc was done though.....
It was only recently that after intense cogitation............. (Meister loves that word - cogitation - it makes the Meister feel like he is doing something worthwhile, instead of, you know, his typical stance of staring vacantly in spcae and dreaming of cake - Meister is cogitating seems so much better than Meister is thinking of cake).......................that Meister began to suspect that something was amiss. It couldn't have been an IQ test. It could only have been a psycho test where the results predicted how the Meister was gonna end up.
Anyway to come to the subject of IQ test,
according to Free-IQTest.net, Meister has a score of 142,
according to iqtestfree.net
"Number of correct answers: 10/10
Your level: Very superior intelligence. Are you a possible genius or near genius? 1% of people who passed the test got this score."
according to IQtest.com, it is 130
accroding to intelligencetest.com: "Your age adjusted IQ score is 129 and the average score of all test takers is 100."
and according to http://www.highiqsociety.org/iq_tests/testresults_pass.php
"YOUR IQ SCORE IS:
125
Your score places you in the top five percent of the population"
So despite claims and beliefs of certain section of the poluace who go around quoting Foucalt and Derrida and use words such as hegemony and post-modernism, it seems Meister is quite as smart guy (though being a complete basketcase).
Very nice, high five etc etc.
Anyway, according to http://www.iqtest.com/faq.html#chart
Intelligence Interval Cognitive Designation
40 - 54 Severely challenged (Less than 1% of test takers)
55 - 69 Challenged (2.3% of test takers)
70 - 84 Below average
85 - 114 Average (68% of test takers)
115 - 129 Above average
130 - 144 Gifted (2.3% of test takers)
145 - 159 Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)
160 - 175 Extraordinary genius
So even according to the chart, Meister is gifted. But enough about the Meister, let's talk about the ones on the other side.
As you can see above, 40-54 are considered severely challenged.
Meister wants to add a few more levels though.
25- 39 - imbeciles (examples of this lot can be found amongst people who believe that the sun rises and sets out of Lord Fergie's nose)
10 - 24 idiotic mornonic dumbasses (examples of this lot can be found amongst the dog killing intelligentsia of EFLU and amogst the HR Department of every organisation in the world)
That brings us to an IQ level of less than 10.
Is it possible you ask?
Yes people it is possible. Although to be fair, only 1 creature in the planet has ever managed to attain such a nadir.
Truth be told, there is a school of though which belives that said person should either have 0 or possibly a
-ve IQ level.
However, most critics have rightly opined that anyone who can exhibit such an astonishing level of hand-eye-bollock co-ordination as to burn his own bollocks deserves a positive IQ. However considering that the man is incapable of rational or logical thought and that only bullshit comes out of his mouth, he can't get more than 10.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Meister presents to you - Ayush Prasad.
Meister was told that they were going to conduct one of them IQ test thingies.
Them IQ thingies eh, supposedly they measure a person's intelligence.
Anyway Meister sat down to take the test......the dude kept showing the Meister them shadow picture thingies..................Meister kept on guessing its a footy match, its a tackle, thats a goal, thats a red card, thats offside, thats a naked woman, that's 2 naked women eating cake etc etc, and the investigator dude kept on sighing and shaking his head...
Once the test got over, Meister went and sat in the corner and chatted with the voices in his head while the dude talked to the Esteemed Nutter. Meister later asked the Nutter how good he did and the Nutter told him "you did well", "you are special sunshine" etc. She did have tears in her eyes at the moment. Meister thought thats tears of pride (later events and Meistric actions have confirmed that they were tears of sorrow, misery heartbreak etc etc).
For a long time, Meister could not figure out how the calculation etc was done though.....
It was only recently that after intense cogitation............. (Meister loves that word - cogitation - it makes the Meister feel like he is doing something worthwhile, instead of, you know, his typical stance of staring vacantly in spcae and dreaming of cake - Meister is cogitating seems so much better than Meister is thinking of cake).......................that Meister began to suspect that something was amiss. It couldn't have been an IQ test. It could only have been a psycho test where the results predicted how the Meister was gonna end up.
Anyway to come to the subject of IQ test,
according to Free-IQTest.net, Meister has a score of 142,
according to iqtestfree.net
"Number of correct answers: 10/10
Your level: Very superior intelligence. Are you a possible genius or near genius? 1% of people who passed the test got this score."
according to IQtest.com, it is 130
accroding to intelligencetest.com: "Your age adjusted IQ score is 129 and the average score of all test takers is 100."
and according to http://www.highiqsociety.org/iq_tests/testresults_pass.php
"YOUR IQ SCORE IS:
125
Your score places you in the top five percent of the population"
So despite claims and beliefs of certain section of the poluace who go around quoting Foucalt and Derrida and use words such as hegemony and post-modernism, it seems Meister is quite as smart guy (though being a complete basketcase).
Very nice, high five etc etc.
Anyway, according to http://www.iqtest.com/faq.html#chart
Intelligence Interval Cognitive Designation
40 - 54 Severely challenged (Less than 1% of test takers)
55 - 69 Challenged (2.3% of test takers)
70 - 84 Below average
85 - 114 Average (68% of test takers)
115 - 129 Above average
130 - 144 Gifted (2.3% of test takers)
145 - 159 Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)
160 - 175 Extraordinary genius
So even according to the chart, Meister is gifted. But enough about the Meister, let's talk about the ones on the other side.
As you can see above, 40-54 are considered severely challenged.
Meister wants to add a few more levels though.
25- 39 - imbeciles (examples of this lot can be found amongst people who believe that the sun rises and sets out of Lord Fergie's nose)
10 - 24 idiotic mornonic dumbasses (examples of this lot can be found amongst the dog killing intelligentsia of EFLU and amogst the HR Department of every organisation in the world)
That brings us to an IQ level of less than 10.
Is it possible you ask?
Yes people it is possible. Although to be fair, only 1 creature in the planet has ever managed to attain such a nadir.
Truth be told, there is a school of though which belives that said person should either have 0 or possibly a
-ve IQ level.
However, most critics have rightly opined that anyone who can exhibit such an astonishing level of hand-eye-bollock co-ordination as to burn his own bollocks deserves a positive IQ. However considering that the man is incapable of rational or logical thought and that only bullshit comes out of his mouth, he can't get more than 10.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Meister presents to you - Ayush Prasad.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Eflutania
The Republic of Eflutania was a happy place, a vibrant place. Muppets and humans alike used to come from far far kingdoms to come and bask in Eflutania's glory and grandeur.
Amongst the Directors of Eflutania were the Brown Baroness and the Fat Sun Queen of LeftHandland. There was also Count Luigi di Jimborghini.
The Brown Baroness was an exceptional ruler and all creatures big and small flourished under her benevolent rule.
The Fat Sun Queen, on the other hand, was an imperious, aggressive dictator who ruled with an iron claw. Everyone who came into her land had to pay her homage etc etc.
The Count was just a stupid bastard who slept around a lot.
In this Republic came a messiah called the Sandman. He brought lots of gifts for the residents. The residents appointed him the advisor. Under his advice, Eflutania flourished so much that people started calling it the Golden Age. One notable thing of this era was the arrival of Footy in the Republic.
Gradually, under his advice and leadership, the rulers appointed many champions and knights - valiant heroes and heroines all. One by one came the Literary Worshipper, MachoMan Mishra, The Snifferman, Jonny Honey (who kept touching himself) and Don UberAntel. There were a few other soldiers etc also.
Of course there were some false characters as well - those who came just to steal glory. Ayush Prasad (who wanted to impress girls) and The Pampered Princess (who as it turned out came in search of a slave; after finding one, she hotfooted out of the place abandoning her roles and duties etc)
And then there was an extremely ugly orc called Fat Uncle Cheapo. He wasn't good for much, but he was there.
Anyway, one day the Sandman the Messiah declared that "my work here is done". He left to spread the message in distant and far-off lands. The knights were still there so everthing was hunky-dory.
The orc was kicked out (possibly for being too stupid and ugly). However, the orc kept coming in surreptitiously to meet the residents.
After a few months, things started to become bad. Battles and skirmishes broke out regularly.
And then there was an invasion from Bhaialand. It was led by the 2 evil brothers - Abbey Bhaia and Hijra Bhaia.
The Republic of Eflutania fell.
One by one the knights also fell. Snifferman went away for the lure of women, money and for a place to sniff in peace. Machoman Mishra retired. Jonny Honey went away to find a place where he would be able to touch himself in solitude. The situation soon became so dire that only the Literary Worshipper and the Don UberAntel was left.
The evil brothers soon started secret negotiations with all the Dumbasses, Assholes, Bastards, Motherfuckers, Sadists and Asslickers and of course the hypocrites. They wanted to take over the entire place and kill all the residents.
They started off with their pogrom by poisoning the residents. Despite the valiant efforts by the knights, one by one the residents fell.
The orc then started coming regularly to sutain the resistance. However, he was once caught by the Abbey Bhaia, who promptly banished him from the evil kingdom.
And then they poisoned the Brown Baroness.
Upon hearing of it, the orc once again came in (despite the ban) and secretly whisked away the Baroness to his lair. There she remained, and fought with the poison for days. But the poison was too strong.
The Baroness died.
The persecution of the residents continued intermittently.
But the evil ones were not satisfied. So they issued killing orders for all the other residents - including The Fat Sun Queen and The Count Jimborghini.
Luckily the loyal knights - Literary Worshipper and Don Uber got to know of the plan in time and managed to smuggle the Queen and the Count away to safety.
They now reside in the orc's lair.
Amongst the Directors of Eflutania were the Brown Baroness and the Fat Sun Queen of LeftHandland. There was also Count Luigi di Jimborghini.
The Brown Baroness was an exceptional ruler and all creatures big and small flourished under her benevolent rule.
The Fat Sun Queen, on the other hand, was an imperious, aggressive dictator who ruled with an iron claw. Everyone who came into her land had to pay her homage etc etc.
The Count was just a stupid bastard who slept around a lot.
In this Republic came a messiah called the Sandman. He brought lots of gifts for the residents. The residents appointed him the advisor. Under his advice, Eflutania flourished so much that people started calling it the Golden Age. One notable thing of this era was the arrival of Footy in the Republic.
Gradually, under his advice and leadership, the rulers appointed many champions and knights - valiant heroes and heroines all. One by one came the Literary Worshipper, MachoMan Mishra, The Snifferman, Jonny Honey (who kept touching himself) and Don UberAntel. There were a few other soldiers etc also.
Of course there were some false characters as well - those who came just to steal glory. Ayush Prasad (who wanted to impress girls) and The Pampered Princess (who as it turned out came in search of a slave; after finding one, she hotfooted out of the place abandoning her roles and duties etc)
And then there was an extremely ugly orc called Fat Uncle Cheapo. He wasn't good for much, but he was there.
Anyway, one day the Sandman the Messiah declared that "my work here is done". He left to spread the message in distant and far-off lands. The knights were still there so everthing was hunky-dory.
The orc was kicked out (possibly for being too stupid and ugly). However, the orc kept coming in surreptitiously to meet the residents.
After a few months, things started to become bad. Battles and skirmishes broke out regularly.
And then there was an invasion from Bhaialand. It was led by the 2 evil brothers - Abbey Bhaia and Hijra Bhaia.
The Republic of Eflutania fell.
One by one the knights also fell. Snifferman went away for the lure of women, money and for a place to sniff in peace. Machoman Mishra retired. Jonny Honey went away to find a place where he would be able to touch himself in solitude. The situation soon became so dire that only the Literary Worshipper and the Don UberAntel was left.
The evil brothers soon started secret negotiations with all the Dumbasses, Assholes, Bastards, Motherfuckers, Sadists and Asslickers and of course the hypocrites. They wanted to take over the entire place and kill all the residents.
They started off with their pogrom by poisoning the residents. Despite the valiant efforts by the knights, one by one the residents fell.
The orc then started coming regularly to sutain the resistance. However, he was once caught by the Abbey Bhaia, who promptly banished him from the evil kingdom.
And then they poisoned the Brown Baroness.
Upon hearing of it, the orc once again came in (despite the ban) and secretly whisked away the Baroness to his lair. There she remained, and fought with the poison for days. But the poison was too strong.
The Baroness died.
The persecution of the residents continued intermittently.
But the evil ones were not satisfied. So they issued killing orders for all the other residents - including The Fat Sun Queen and The Count Jimborghini.
Luckily the loyal knights - Literary Worshipper and Don Uber got to know of the plan in time and managed to smuggle the Queen and the Count away to safety.
They now reside in the orc's lair.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Balls
Yes balls
Balls and Meister have a deep and intimate connection....and by that Meister doesn't not mean his own balls. Those useless pieces of crap hanging between the Meisterlegs have long ago stopped working demanding work.
Meister means football.
See, the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry (except doggies). Sooner or later everybody rejects the Meister - its kinda like the national pastime actually. Even Meister's own body parts have recently joined the exodus so to speak.
So in this whirlwind of rejection, it was extremely satisfying and gratifying for the Meister to realise that footy still hasn't.
He is as fat as a hippopotamus and as unfit as Ayush Prasad's brain, but hey, his footy skills are still top notch. Despite being the world's heaviest goalkeeper, he played a large and successful part in his team finishing 3rd in he recently concluded footy tournament.
Of course he wasn't in Buffonesque territory, but he did make quite a few saves, some of them quite good saves also, and he flapped and jumped around the place, with not a single iota of thought about the repercussions on his body, like a baboon on steroids.
What's the most gratifying thing is that his team mates appreciated his efforts.......in this sea of rejection, abuse and criticism, its like a beacon of joy....the Meister is not completely and utterly useless.
The Meister abides..or rather the Meister's footy skills abide.
Oh btw, on the subject of balls, our dear ol Taco Bell Girl has recently discovered that she possesses some mysterious super power - and a super power that makes all men flinch in fear also (except the Meister - who has nothing really to lose and Ayush - who is too stupid to notice anything and has anyway burnt his).
Yes people, that's right, she can make balls disappear from her hands!!!!!!
Poor future husband is all the Meister can say in this matter
Balls and Meister have a deep and intimate connection....and by that Meister doesn't not mean his own balls. Those useless pieces of crap hanging between the Meisterlegs have long ago stopped working demanding work.
Meister means football.
See, the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry (except doggies). Sooner or later everybody rejects the Meister - its kinda like the national pastime actually. Even Meister's own body parts have recently joined the exodus so to speak.
So in this whirlwind of rejection, it was extremely satisfying and gratifying for the Meister to realise that footy still hasn't.
He is as fat as a hippopotamus and as unfit as Ayush Prasad's brain, but hey, his footy skills are still top notch. Despite being the world's heaviest goalkeeper, he played a large and successful part in his team finishing 3rd in he recently concluded footy tournament.
Of course he wasn't in Buffonesque territory, but he did make quite a few saves, some of them quite good saves also, and he flapped and jumped around the place, with not a single iota of thought about the repercussions on his body, like a baboon on steroids.
What's the most gratifying thing is that his team mates appreciated his efforts.......in this sea of rejection, abuse and criticism, its like a beacon of joy....the Meister is not completely and utterly useless.
The Meister abides..or rather the Meister's footy skills abide.
Oh btw, on the subject of balls, our dear ol Taco Bell Girl has recently discovered that she possesses some mysterious super power - and a super power that makes all men flinch in fear also (except the Meister - who has nothing really to lose and Ayush - who is too stupid to notice anything and has anyway burnt his).
Yes people, that's right, she can make balls disappear from her hands!!!!!!
Poor future husband is all the Meister can say in this matter
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Antels and Oranges
Oranges have crept in the Meister's life lately (due to no fault of his own though)
It all started when the Uber Antel wanted a book about oranges and bananas etc titled Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Meister, being a simple proletariat thought that it was a book about fruits and farming etc. So he ordered the book via internet.
Everything hunky dory so far.
But the book never arrives and the Uber started asking pointed questions etc etc.
Meister got really worried and scared. So he called up the booksellers. Those muppets said that the book has gone out of stock and that they will be refunding the money.
The Meister got really scared. He did not want to get shouted at. He started thinking of what to do.
Finally he got the brilliant brainwave (he is really smart you know....just a bit slow) of looking at other bookshops and sites. Alas, it was not there in any of the other websites.
Moreover, it turns out that the book is about lesbians......one of the censored words in office computers or something.
So he decided to browse through Landmark and Crossword. Alas, again - their websites suck. He tried looking at the British Council index but soon realised that like a dynamic dimwit, he had forgotten his password etc.
So he decided to call Landmark (Crossword website directs user to Shopper's Stop - foocking muppets).
So, Meister called Landmark
M: I want Oranges are not the Only Fruit
Landmark Employee: I am sorry Sir! We don't have oranges here. We don't sell fruits.
M: Nono, I don't want oranges or bananas. I want a book. It is called Oranges are not the Only Fruit.
LE: I don't think we have any books on fruits and vegetables right now Sir.
M: Nono, its not about fruits, its ablout lesbians.
LE: Eh?
M: Yep, it is a book by a lady called Jeannette Whatshername.
L: I am sorry sir but we don't have any such book at the moment.
M (in a rare moment of lucidity and on the spot intelligence): OK, what about your branches in the other cities? Do they have it?
L: If you place an order Sir, then we can get it for you.
M: Get it man, get it. Its a foocking emergency. No beard is safe!!!
L: Errr Sir? Excuse me?
M: Never mind, just get the book as soon as you can. Here's my number.
Couple of days later ,they called saying that they have found the book in one of their other branches and should they get it? Meister went: yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
A couple of days later they again called saying Sir Sir we got it etc. Upon hearing it Meister rode like the wind (well a very slow wind as the max speed of his scooter is 25 km/hr) and bought it and later in the evening gave it to the Uber one.
In the meantime, on Sunday he was assaulted with a deadly weapon. Well, a semi-deadly weapon anyway.
Meister's lips have gone all bionkers....some thing about vitamin deficiency or something. When Meister told Uber this, she gave an evil laugh - thereby scaring both the Meister and the autowallah and then she brought out a jar.
And then she scooped some chemicals out of it
And then she assaulted the Meister. She pounced on him and before he could defend himself put them chemicals on his lips. It was petroleum jelly and it tasted and smelt like oranges.
Meister couldn't taste anything apart from oranges for the next 48 hours or so.
To put the cherry on the top, Meister got tea with an orange inside it at Pizza Hut - though he had ordered for lemonade.
It all started when the Uber Antel wanted a book about oranges and bananas etc titled Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Meister, being a simple proletariat thought that it was a book about fruits and farming etc. So he ordered the book via internet.
Everything hunky dory so far.
But the book never arrives and the Uber started asking pointed questions etc etc.
Meister got really worried and scared. So he called up the booksellers. Those muppets said that the book has gone out of stock and that they will be refunding the money.
The Meister got really scared. He did not want to get shouted at. He started thinking of what to do.
Finally he got the brilliant brainwave (he is really smart you know....just a bit slow) of looking at other bookshops and sites. Alas, it was not there in any of the other websites.
Moreover, it turns out that the book is about lesbians......one of the censored words in office computers or something.
So he decided to browse through Landmark and Crossword. Alas, again - their websites suck. He tried looking at the British Council index but soon realised that like a dynamic dimwit, he had forgotten his password etc.
So he decided to call Landmark (Crossword website directs user to Shopper's Stop - foocking muppets).
So, Meister called Landmark
M: I want Oranges are not the Only Fruit
Landmark Employee: I am sorry Sir! We don't have oranges here. We don't sell fruits.
M: Nono, I don't want oranges or bananas. I want a book. It is called Oranges are not the Only Fruit.
LE: I don't think we have any books on fruits and vegetables right now Sir.
M: Nono, its not about fruits, its ablout lesbians.
LE: Eh?
M: Yep, it is a book by a lady called Jeannette Whatshername.
L: I am sorry sir but we don't have any such book at the moment.
M (in a rare moment of lucidity and on the spot intelligence): OK, what about your branches in the other cities? Do they have it?
L: If you place an order Sir, then we can get it for you.
M: Get it man, get it. Its a foocking emergency. No beard is safe!!!
L: Errr Sir? Excuse me?
M: Never mind, just get the book as soon as you can. Here's my number.
Couple of days later ,they called saying that they have found the book in one of their other branches and should they get it? Meister went: yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
A couple of days later they again called saying Sir Sir we got it etc. Upon hearing it Meister rode like the wind (well a very slow wind as the max speed of his scooter is 25 km/hr) and bought it and later in the evening gave it to the Uber one.
In the meantime, on Sunday he was assaulted with a deadly weapon. Well, a semi-deadly weapon anyway.
Meister's lips have gone all bionkers....some thing about vitamin deficiency or something. When Meister told Uber this, she gave an evil laugh - thereby scaring both the Meister and the autowallah and then she brought out a jar.
And then she scooped some chemicals out of it
And then she assaulted the Meister. She pounced on him and before he could defend himself put them chemicals on his lips. It was petroleum jelly and it tasted and smelt like oranges.
Meister couldn't taste anything apart from oranges for the next 48 hours or so.
To put the cherry on the top, Meister got tea with an orange inside it at Pizza Hut - though he had ordered for lemonade.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sisyphean Masochism
According to them Greek fellas, Sisyphus was a bit of a bar stud. He also decided to tangle with them Olympians (never a good idea in the best of times - look at what happened to that poor bugger Prometheus and that arsehole Tantalus) and pissed the crap out of Ares. He also had the temerity to rat out Zeus (father of all luj characters), while he was foocking some river god's daughter.
Result - Tartarus for all eternity, and not a jobless banishment, the dude would have to push a rock up a steep mountain, only to have the rock roll down....and this till the end of time. (well technically he did get a break once - according to that fella Ovid anyway...apparently he sat down and listened to the songs of Orpheus). Suffice to say that as far as punishments go, this is right up there as one of the meanest.
Ever since, pointless or futile activities which are doomed to fail are often described as Sisyphean.
Which brings us to the Meister. Critics opine that his whole life is Sisyphean in nature. The Meister disagrees....albeit partially. There are only certain areas and aspects of the Meister's life which are Sisyphean in nature. The masochistic element comes in the picture because the Meister knows that these things are doomed and destined to fail, yet like a fool, like an idiot, like a muppet etc etc he persists in doing them anyway.
1. Falling in love
Let's look at this objectively .....girls like
And then there is the Meister - the exact opposite of each and everything on that list. So, its a foregone conclusion that those of the oestrogenic persuasion are never going to find the Meister attractive.
Despite knowing this, the damn fool went and did it anyway - the idiot fell in love.
Sisyphean masochism at its best.
There is some sort of fatality involeved here.
In the last few years Chelsea have lost in Eurorpe due to:
So, if you wanna see Sisyphean endeavours with a dollop of masochism, and you don't wanna go to Tartarus, look no further than our very own Meister
Ever since, pointless or futile activities which are doomed to fail are often described as Sisyphean.
Which brings us to the Meister. Critics opine that his whole life is Sisyphean in nature. The Meister disagrees....albeit partially. There are only certain areas and aspects of the Meister's life which are Sisyphean in nature. The masochistic element comes in the picture because the Meister knows that these things are doomed and destined to fail, yet like a fool, like an idiot, like a muppet etc etc he persists in doing them anyway.
- powerful guys
- smart guys
- intelligent guys
- handsome guys with good bodies
- rich guys
- tall guys
- guys with long hair
- guys with devil may care attitude
- guys with charisma
2. Dreaming
Statistically, it has been proven that none - not a single one - of the Meister's dreams has ever come true. So one should assume that the dumbass would stop dreaming shouldn't he?
Wrong
Showing extreme varieties and severe symptoms of masochism, the numbnut keeps on dreaming and hoping et for things to happen. He even makes plans etc.
Perfect examples would be him dreaming about and making plans for visiting London, Bangaladesh and Ajanta Ellora (which is slowly looking like the blood Grail Quest) - all of which have totally and utterly fallen flat due to various reasons.
And yet, now he is thinking of a trip to the mountains...which judging by past performance will also be cancelled.
Examples can also easily be fouund from his education and career.
3. Supporting Chelsea in Europe
There is some sort of fatality involeved here.
In the last few years Chelsea have lost in Eurorpe due to:
- Manager Claudio Ranieri making weird subs during halftime which comepletely ruined the balance of the side (Chelsea was leading at halftime); thereby letting the opposition score 3
- Luis Garcia of the damnfools getting awarded a goal despite the ball never going beyond the line
- John Terry - the captain- falling flat on his arse while taking the last shot in a tie breaker (Chelsea was ahead - the prancing show pony hermaphrodite's shot was saved earlier by Cech; had Terry scored, Chelsea would have been the European champions) and subsequently sending the ball as away from the goal as humanly possible
- The referee not giving 4, yes 4 penalties which would have sealed victory against the Barca boys (Chelsea was the only team i nthe world who stopped Barca from scoring for 180 minutes)
- Jose Mourinho, the Special One - a manager who Roman fired as the manager of Chelsea, and who in his first visit back as the manager of another team - Internazionale as it happens - plotted and made the perfect tactics and subs to eliminate Chelsea
So, if you wanna see Sisyphean endeavours with a dollop of masochism, and you don't wanna go to Tartarus, look no further than our very own Meister
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Moi Oyis Moi Oyis
Meister had pain in his oyis, so Meister went to the opthalm....optom.... eye doctor dude.
He happily went and sat down in the chamber and the doc asked him what's wrong.
Meister replied: "Moi oyis hurt". The doc said "hmmm" and then he asked the Meister about his profession, lifestyle etc. Upon hearing that the Meister is a wanker, he said: "you are a pervert you sick bastard".
Meister said: "naaahahaaa... I wank only at home in complete privacy, if you want to see a pervert, then look no further than Jonny Honey. We even have a song for him......
And he does that anywhere and everywhere
The doc became all serious and stuff and declared: "I am gonna test your eyes. So sit there." Meister sat, the doc ordered him to "open wide" - his oyis of course. So the Meister made his oyis as big as possible, upon which the doc poured some acid into them.
Yes, people, the sick son of a mongoose poured some acid into the Meister's oyis.
Meister started writing in pain and shouting "moi oyis, moi oyis" and "why doc why?"
The doc laughed in a theatrical manner and declared: "I am an agent of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz and I have been ordered to hurt you and torture you by the great one himself. I have been waiting for my chance for 5 years now. Now I will make you sumbit in the altar of the Chunku"
Meister shouted: "Neverrrrrrrr, you may take moi oyis, but you will never take moi....err....what do you want again?"
Doc said: "I want you to conced to the Great Chunku"
Meister said: "No way, do whatever you want, I dare you" - which on hindsight was not a smart thing to say, but hey what the hell, whatever else he might be, noone can accuse the Meister to be smart.
So, the doc started paper whipping Meister's oyiballs.
Meister started shouting: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paper whipping will only make my cry"
The doc got all confused and said: "Eh? That does not even rhyme!!"
The Meister replied: "Its post-modern"
The doc then said: "Hmmm, it seems stronger measures are necessary. I didn't want to do it, but you made me do it. Now there's no turning back." And he brought out a contraption which closely resembles an iron maiden (the medieval torture device, not the muppety rock and roll version).
He put the Meister's face into it and then started poking Meister's irises with a poking thingy and beamed compious quantities of laser stuff into his eyes to make him blind. He started shouting: "So, Meister, do you want this to stop? All you have to do is to declare that the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is god's gift to boudis!!"
Meister said: "Oi am a man of moi words. Oi have already declared that
He happily went and sat down in the chamber and the doc asked him what's wrong.
Meister replied: "Moi oyis hurt". The doc said "hmmm" and then he asked the Meister about his profession, lifestyle etc. Upon hearing that the Meister is a wanker, he said: "you are a pervert you sick bastard".
Meister said: "naaahahaaa... I wank only at home in complete privacy, if you want to see a pervert, then look no further than Jonny Honey. We even have a song for him......
"Some men like women
And some men like men
And then there's Jonathan
Who just goes around touching himself
Lalalalalalallalalla..........."
And he does that anywhere and everywhere
The doc became all serious and stuff and declared: "I am gonna test your eyes. So sit there." Meister sat, the doc ordered him to "open wide" - his oyis of course. So the Meister made his oyis as big as possible, upon which the doc poured some acid into them.
Yes, people, the sick son of a mongoose poured some acid into the Meister's oyis.
Meister started writing in pain and shouting "moi oyis, moi oyis" and "why doc why?"
The doc laughed in a theatrical manner and declared: "I am an agent of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz and I have been ordered to hurt you and torture you by the great one himself. I have been waiting for my chance for 5 years now. Now I will make you sumbit in the altar of the Chunku"
Meister shouted: "Neverrrrrrrr, you may take moi oyis, but you will never take moi....err....what do you want again?"
Doc said: "I want you to conced to the Great Chunku"
Meister said: "No way, do whatever you want, I dare you" - which on hindsight was not a smart thing to say, but hey what the hell, whatever else he might be, noone can accuse the Meister to be smart.
So, the doc started paper whipping Meister's oyiballs.
Meister started shouting: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paper whipping will only make my cry"
The doc got all confused and said: "Eh? That does not even rhyme!!"
The Meister replied: "Its post-modern"
The doc then said: "Hmmm, it seems stronger measures are necessary. I didn't want to do it, but you made me do it. Now there's no turning back." And he brought out a contraption which closely resembles an iron maiden (the medieval torture device, not the muppety rock and roll version).
He put the Meister's face into it and then started poking Meister's irises with a poking thingy and beamed compious quantities of laser stuff into his eyes to make him blind. He started shouting: "So, Meister, do you want this to stop? All you have to do is to declare that the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is god's gift to boudis!!"
Meister said: "Oi am a man of moi words. Oi have already declared that
a. there is no god
b. the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is mother nature's gift to the hair gel industry
So, there is no way in hell Oi am declaring anything else. "
The doc looked at the Meister in awe and wonder and respect and said: I concede. Now I know why the Great Chunku is so scared of you. You are the 1st person who could resist the torture."
Meister replied: "This was nothing. Nothing Oi tell ya. Recently I survived an experience so horrible, so horrific, so horrendous, so hideous, so heinous, so abhorrent, so inquitous, so flagitous, so despicable, so repugnant, so execrable, so nefarious, so pernicious that after that everything else looks like breakfast, nothing on earth, hell, purgatory or Pakistan can even come close to that torture."
Doc asked: "What happened?"
Meister replied: "Oi had to look at and listen to Ayush Prasad continuously for 3days"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
In the future
2000 years in the future....the world is a post apocalyptic barren wasteland. Humanity has been wiped off (probably because of something Ayush Prasad did). Some researcher from some alien planet comes to earth and does some excavations and digs up, amongst other things,
the Meister's pants
They see that it is a highly stained affair. They decide do an analysis of it, you know one of them forensic ones. Guess what they will find??
(stop thinking obscene stuff you people with dihtyy minds)
They will find some weird medical gel, mayonese(sic), sweet onion sauce, honey mustard sauce, tea, coffee, chocolate milkshake, some banana-blackcurrant milkshake, chicken curry, oil from fried potatoes, biscuit crumbs, cookie crumbs, some greasy stuff from mashed potatoes, coleslaw, some poshto seeds, some greasy oily stuff from some French food, some pastaesque soup whose name starts with an m, navratan korma, paneer mushroom curry and some thums up.
Yes people, Meister has been eating and spilling things on his pants as if there's no tomorrow.
Its all part of the Meisterplan - the one which involves him eating so much that his arteries and veins get pissed off and quit working.
Yes people, Meister is going to eat and eat till either the food runs out in the planet or his internal organs go ka blooey and he finally dies.
the Meister's pants
They see that it is a highly stained affair. They decide do an analysis of it, you know one of them forensic ones. Guess what they will find??
(stop thinking obscene stuff you people with dihtyy minds)
They will find some weird medical gel, mayonese(sic), sweet onion sauce, honey mustard sauce, tea, coffee, chocolate milkshake, some banana-blackcurrant milkshake, chicken curry, oil from fried potatoes, biscuit crumbs, cookie crumbs, some greasy stuff from mashed potatoes, coleslaw, some poshto seeds, some greasy oily stuff from some French food, some pastaesque soup whose name starts with an m, navratan korma, paneer mushroom curry and some thums up.
Yes people, Meister has been eating and spilling things on his pants as if there's no tomorrow.
Its all part of the Meisterplan - the one which involves him eating so much that his arteries and veins get pissed off and quit working.
Yes people, Meister is going to eat and eat till either the food runs out in the planet or his internal organs go ka blooey and he finally dies.
Kooky people, these doctors
Well, it was time for the Meister's quarterly visit to the land of the sickos. So Meister went to Yashoda.
And found out that his cardiologist has run away....... yes people facing the prospect of facing the Meister again, the dude just quit.
And so began Meister's bugging of the recpetionists et all to give him another doctor. However, whoever they called up seemed to be mysteriously either out or away or busy. Finally after what seemed like an eternity (15 mins) they found dude who was stuck in the ICU/ICCU.
So off Meister went to the 4th floor and met the doctor (nice lad) who took one look at the Meister and shouted "lose weight you fat bastard". he also told Meister to undergo a plethora of tests. A dispirited Meister trudged back.
Next day, with encouragement from parents and curses from his boss (Meister had to take a half day) Meister went back to get his tests done.
After paying what seemed like the GDP of a small nation, they allowed the Meister to proceed to room 1 where a muppet took a bigass syringe and plunged it straight into Meister's veins and drew a few litres of blood.
Then they kicked him out.
So the Meister was loitering around the hospital pointing at sick and injured people calling out "muppet" etc when a nurse came and gently and firmly took him into a room, ordered him to take off his shoes and shirt (not his pants...noone wants to take off the Meister's pants...sigh poor Meister), lie down on a bed and then poured about a litre of gel. The Meiter, utterly bewildered and feeling like the Great Indian Chunkubaaz's hair, was wondering what the hell was going on when this dude who looked like a wrestler came up and started navigating all over the Meister's chest with a joystick. Apparently, they were taking a picture of the Meister's heart or something.
Why anyone would want to take a picture of the Meister's heart is flabbergasting.........
Weird people these doctors.
Anyway, once they finished taking pictures of his heart, they dragged him to another room and this time poured a litre of gel on his tummy. Meister was highly indignant and was shouting at them to stop messing around with his tummy. They ordered the Meister to "shut the foock up fatso" and told the meister that they are going to do some Renal Artillery Doffler.
Meister got scared, artillery activities inside the tummy are never a good idea. The Meister was about to protest vehemently and quote the Rights of Man when they explained to the Meister that it's not Artillery but Arterial. They told the Meister that they would take pictures of the Meister's kidneys and renal artreries etc.
Strange people, these doctors.
Anyway, then the nurse left and brought on reinforcements in the form of a lady doctor. She also came armed with a joystick, but she took one look at the Meister's exposed tummy and ran away shouting for mummy etc.
So now it was the turn of a really senior doctor. He came with a joystick and immediately ordered the Meister to hold his breath and started to poke and prod his tummy. Apparently the apparatus etc couldn't see anything because of the presence of an immense quantity of fat. So the docotr rolled up his sleeves and decided to really have a go. It was borderline grievous bodily harm (a certain Uber's speciality).
The Meister is sure that irrep....irrev....irre..... some serious harm was done to his kidneys etc.
Anyway armed with the plethora of test reports, Meister went in search of the doctor. He found the doctor hiding in the ICU/ICCU. Upon seeing the Meister the doctor again shouted "didn't I tell you to lose weight you fat son of a mongoose". With a weary sigh and incessant grumblings et all the doctor looked at the reports and prescribed a plethora of medicines and ordered Meister "to take these medicines untill and unless he felt like he is dying.....upon which he should go and jump into the Hussain Sagar."
Peculiar people, these doctors.
And found out that his cardiologist has run away....... yes people facing the prospect of facing the Meister again, the dude just quit.
And so began Meister's bugging of the recpetionists et all to give him another doctor. However, whoever they called up seemed to be mysteriously either out or away or busy. Finally after what seemed like an eternity (15 mins) they found dude who was stuck in the ICU/ICCU.
So off Meister went to the 4th floor and met the doctor (nice lad) who took one look at the Meister and shouted "lose weight you fat bastard". he also told Meister to undergo a plethora of tests. A dispirited Meister trudged back.
Next day, with encouragement from parents and curses from his boss (Meister had to take a half day) Meister went back to get his tests done.
After paying what seemed like the GDP of a small nation, they allowed the Meister to proceed to room 1 where a muppet took a bigass syringe and plunged it straight into Meister's veins and drew a few litres of blood.
Then they kicked him out.
So the Meister was loitering around the hospital pointing at sick and injured people calling out "muppet" etc when a nurse came and gently and firmly took him into a room, ordered him to take off his shoes and shirt (not his pants...noone wants to take off the Meister's pants...sigh poor Meister), lie down on a bed and then poured about a litre of gel. The Meiter, utterly bewildered and feeling like the Great Indian Chunkubaaz's hair, was wondering what the hell was going on when this dude who looked like a wrestler came up and started navigating all over the Meister's chest with a joystick. Apparently, they were taking a picture of the Meister's heart or something.
Why anyone would want to take a picture of the Meister's heart is flabbergasting.........
Weird people these doctors.
Anyway, once they finished taking pictures of his heart, they dragged him to another room and this time poured a litre of gel on his tummy. Meister was highly indignant and was shouting at them to stop messing around with his tummy. They ordered the Meister to "shut the foock up fatso" and told the meister that they are going to do some Renal Artillery Doffler.
Meister got scared, artillery activities inside the tummy are never a good idea. The Meister was about to protest vehemently and quote the Rights of Man when they explained to the Meister that it's not Artillery but Arterial. They told the Meister that they would take pictures of the Meister's kidneys and renal artreries etc.
Strange people, these doctors.
Anyway, then the nurse left and brought on reinforcements in the form of a lady doctor. She also came armed with a joystick, but she took one look at the Meister's exposed tummy and ran away shouting for mummy etc.
So now it was the turn of a really senior doctor. He came with a joystick and immediately ordered the Meister to hold his breath and started to poke and prod his tummy. Apparently the apparatus etc couldn't see anything because of the presence of an immense quantity of fat. So the docotr rolled up his sleeves and decided to really have a go. It was borderline grievous bodily harm (a certain Uber's speciality).
The Meister is sure that irrep....irrev....irre..... some serious harm was done to his kidneys etc.
Anyway armed with the plethora of test reports, Meister went in search of the doctor. He found the doctor hiding in the ICU/ICCU. Upon seeing the Meister the doctor again shouted "didn't I tell you to lose weight you fat son of a mongoose". With a weary sigh and incessant grumblings et all the doctor looked at the reports and prescribed a plethora of medicines and ordered Meister "to take these medicines untill and unless he felt like he is dying.....upon which he should go and jump into the Hussain Sagar."
Peculiar people, these doctors.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Ignoracne is Bliss
Yesterday/today morning (Meister gets confused by time) the Sexy Auntie flew to LA LA Land, which btw is slowly getting filled up by sexy female linguists from India (and that hirsute fella).
So hearing that she is leaving, Meister went to wave tata to her at her place.....and guess what happened?
She banged the door on Meister's face even before he could enter.
This after a week when the Meister got dumped for a party (that Meister can understand - parties generally being more interesting and better than the Meister) and was politely informed (after an invitation to come visit mind you) that if he does come then he has to loiter around on his own as the hostess will have much more important (and naturally better) things to do
Sigh, nobody wants the Meister to come.
Except Meister's dear friend the Count Luigi di Jimborghini or Jimbo as he is commonly referred to. Although it might be because he is a stupid bastard, but the look of joy on Jimbo's face and the frantic circular movement of his tail more than makes up for the looks of disgust, disdain and exasperation that inadvertently/deliberately comes to people's faces when the Meister turns up at their door.
Ah the Meister - loved by animals, hated/disliked/barely tolerated by mankind
Unfortunately, Jimbo's expression of joy often manifests itself through his bloody nails as a result of which the Meister's hands are now full of deep and profound scratches.
Anyway, after the Meister begged entrance to Auntie's place, Auntie gave him some Japanese drink, unfortunately and evocatively called SUSU. It tasted awesome. Those damn Jappies are good at making everything - electronics, cars, bikes, animation, films, porn and now drinks.
However, if SUSU is indeed made up of the susu of any animal, then please refrain from pointing in out to the Meister - in his case ignorance is bliss. After the last couple of weeks that he had had, he does not need to know that he had gone and drunk something just 1 organ away from crap.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Suicide
You know that Meister wants to commit suicide don't you? Well, if you didn't know you do. Now Meister knows what you are pondering. You are pondering
Why Meister Why?
Well, let the Meister regale you with the story of a typical day in the Meister's life.
As a lot of things start, this also starts with a dream. People dream and fantasise right? Sometime about love and sex etc also right?
Meister does also. Unfortunately, in the Meister's case, even in his dreams and fantasies, he never gets sex. Other people have sex, Meister gets rejected and shouted at.
So in Meister's case, dreams imitate reality. Sigh
So with a heavy heart, Meister gets up, and the power goes off. Meister goes to office. En route he gets overtaken by all and sundry including a bicycle, a running kid, a lost tortoise and a lazy snail.
He also did get to see 7 - yes thats right 7 - scooters each with 2 females all wearing jackets and sweaters and other assorted paraphernilia. Just for the record it was bloody hot, Meister was sweating despite wearing only a thin cotton shirt and a jeans.
Anyway, he reached office only to find out that it was the last day for tax filing. Consternation etc prevailed. Anyway he had to finish a batch of work all hurriedly and stuff in order to go back home and therein laid another problem.
You know that the Meister moves around in an e-scooter. Well with a top speed of 25 km/hr it is not suited for emergencies. So Meister had to beg his colleagues for the use of their vehicles. From previous experience Meister knew that Mr. V's Honda has a teenie weenie problem - brakes are temeperamental, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. So Meister asked Lil McD for the use of his 2 wheeler.
When it was time for Meister to leave office, the power went off - meaning the lifts stopped working and Meister had to climb down 5 floors worth of stairs. So he went down all tired and wilted and hopped on the vehicle and discovered that
The left brake is more or less a figment of imagination, there are no rear view mirrors and the whole chassis shakes like a skeleton doing the rumba during an earthquake
Suffice to say that Meister's BP went up up and away.
Anyway he managed to reach home without any incident and collapsed once in. So what happens - the power goes off yet again. A hat trick.
Anyway, Meister starts searching for his LIC, ICICI, PROv Fund, Mediclaim et all certificates....and continues searching frantically....scaring MidasDude in the process btw.
After half an hour of frantic searching and destroying his apartment Meister finally found his stuff....and felt so bad that he had to lie down for a few minutes.
By this time his BP had more or less reached the stratosphere.
Anyway, after lying down and calming down etc, he went on the return journey and it was hot. It was so hot that by the time Meister reached office, he had lost about a couple of litres in sweat.
So he goes back to office, submits his papers etc, collapses on his chair............................................
and gets an interview call
Even on a good day, Meister is not a good interviewee, forget a bad day. Meister has no clue what he rambled. Suffice to say the company hasn't called back.
So with a heavier heart et all, Meister gets to work and continues working till its time to leave.
So after finishing a loooooooooooooooooong day, Meister goes to the parking lot and sees that some bastard had again tried to steal his scooter.
So the was tired, sad and pissed off. But hey who cares about the Meister.
Anyway he comes home - after buying some chicken curry from Garden. He thought that rice and chicken curry would be a good dinner.
But, Uber called him up to say she wants to go out for dinner with Hippo and Weirdaccent and asked whether he wants to join them. Meister thinking that it would be somewhere nearby agrees. So he goes to the campus and
somehow someway
his scooter key gets stuck inside the lock.
After an hour of futile pulling and pushing and oiling et all the key came out but the lock broke :-(
So there was no other option than to physically manhandle the scooter to the parking lot and keeping it there. Hippo and Midas helped.
Even then it was almost too much for Meister's wee lil heart. So he sat down and while panting found out that the the assorted intelligentsia wanted to go to Indijoes in foocking Banjara Hills!!!!! Meister was about to say no thank you when thankfully they decided that its too far.
So this is more or less a typical day in the Meistric life. And this goes on over and over and over.....like that groundgog day thingy.
So now you know why he wants to commit suicide.
And guess what? he has found the perfect way how to. All he needs to do is to stop taking his medicines. After 1 day of not taking medicines he becomes a virtual vegetable. After 1 month, death via heart attack is more or less guaranteed.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Calamity......
Its over, its over, the Meister's life is over....somebody kill the Meister, kill the Meister now.
The Meister had lost quite a lot of things in life...some he misses desperately, some he doesn't give a foock about.....he had never had quite a few things in life as well. But amongst everything, one thing which he had always had is his beard.
Yes the Meisterbeard - the flowing locks which are a source of intense attraction (not sexual, only sadistic) for a certain Uber and which brought forth gargantuan jealousy from a certain Great Indian Chunkubaaz (him possesing a total of 16 miserable looking stubble)
But alas, like every other part/organ of his body, the beard has started disintegrating also. Yesterday while shampooing his beard, Meister found out, to his heartbreak, that 8 of them have resigned and have come off.
Its the beginning of the end.
But its ok, at least Meister has a girlfriend....oh....ok he has his football...oh hang on.....ok then he has a great job......errr......ok ok he at least has his health...oh crap
As the Meister said - Agony, Armageddon,Anguish, Calamity, Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Devastation, Despair, Desolation, Dibacle, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Ruin, Woe...........
The Meister had lost quite a lot of things in life...some he misses desperately, some he doesn't give a foock about.....he had never had quite a few things in life as well. But amongst everything, one thing which he had always had is his beard.
Yes the Meisterbeard - the flowing locks which are a source of intense attraction (not sexual, only sadistic) for a certain Uber and which brought forth gargantuan jealousy from a certain Great Indian Chunkubaaz (him possesing a total of 16 miserable looking stubble)
But alas, like every other part/organ of his body, the beard has started disintegrating also. Yesterday while shampooing his beard, Meister found out, to his heartbreak, that 8 of them have resigned and have come off.
Its the beginning of the end.
But its ok, at least Meister has a girlfriend....oh....ok he has his football...oh hang on.....ok then he has a great job......errr......ok ok he at least has his health...oh crap
As the Meister said - Agony, Armageddon,Anguish, Calamity, Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Devastation, Despair, Desolation, Dibacle, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Ruin, Woe...........
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Them Proverbs
Meister was recently thinking about proverbs. Don't ask why. Anyway, while thinking of them proverbs, he realised that quite few of them have become outdated or are simply wrong.
And because the Meister has all the time in the world, he is going to do a commentary on some of them.
A Bird in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush
This always always makes the Meister smile :-)
A good beginning makes a good ending
The Meister is living proof that that is pure bunkum. He has sat through crappy movies and read quite a few crappy books in his time. You people will also probably feel the same way once you rech the end of this blog :-)
A good man is hard to find
Hulloooo, the Meister is right here
A miss is as good as a mile
Doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Meister would have understood had it said a miss is as good as a missus or for those of a feministic inclination - a miss is good as a mister.
He would have even understood had it said - a miss is as good (or even better) as/than a Meister, but a mile. How a mile comes into the picture is just confusing.
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it
How else in hell's name is a person supposed to cross it then? Some of these things are just weird the Meister swears.
Every Jack has his Jill
Should be disqualified for being utterly and pathetically wrong. How is it wrong you ask?
Well Exhibit A - Meister
Fight fire with fire
Meister just hopes that some silly ass have not gone and told the firefighters this. The last time they tried it, this was the result - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Fire_of_London
Flattery will get you nowhere
Whoever came up with this have clearly never worked in an Indian company.
Good things come to those who wait
27 years 11 months and 5 days and still waiting.......
He who laughs last laughs longest
Now this the Meister agrees is often true. But then again, it is true because generally the person concerned is a tube light (you know someone who understands something half an hour after everyone else have undrstood it)
Hard work never did anyone any harm
This is the sort of thing them capitalist bosses or them rich landowners come up with in order to retain their imperialistic hegemony over money.
Off with their heads the Meister says, power to the people the Meister says,
Liberty, Equality etc etc the Meister says
but then again, that means Meister would technically be equal to Ayush Prasad
so, in that case, Status Quo should be maintained the Meister says
It never rains but it pours
Maybe in England or Cherapunji but definitely not in Hyderabad
It's never too late
That suspiciously sounds like Fergie time
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Now this, amongst all the proverbs makes the Meister go bananas. This is a statement of such astounding muppetery, that the Meister is speechless.
Thankfully, this is a blog and so the Meister can still write.
What kind of a sick pathetic inhumane joke is that? What twisted sadistic mind can even conceive of such a thing? Oh, yes that its that tone deaf bourgeois Tennyson....foocking hell man, you should have stuck to all them Lady Shallott, Lotos Eaters and Light Brigade stuff. You have no clue how badly it hurts, mate, falling in love and getting rejected. Be glad Emily didn't reject you.
Of course, Meister is a reasonable man and he will give you the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that you really were talking about your favourite footy team loosing a match, in which case all is forgiven (unless you were a Manure, in which case double curse you)
Less is more
Eh? Its like saying darkness is light, evil is good, Gary foocking Neville is human, Ayush Prasad is smart etc etc
Let the dead bury the dead
How lazy are we as a species???????????
Marry in haste, repent at leisure
6 words - 4 of them redundant. The proverb would have been much more genuine and succint had it stated
Marry - Repent
Never judge a book by its cover
Unless said book is a book written by some Serbian fella with a Polish name (or some Polish fella with a Serbian name...Meister never remembers). Same refutation also applies to all antel books and anything written by Iris Murdoch, Thomas Hardy, Stephanie Mayers or for that matter anything in the Mills and Boons series.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth
Another one which Meister does not understand. Sound advice though. As in if someone gives you a horse, why look at its mouth?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
May be applicable for some insensitive fellas or some hard nutters, definitely for the Meister.
The child is the father of the man
This just bewilders the Meister. What does this mean? Is it promoting incest or something? Even then, Meister would have thought it physcially impossible for the child to be the father of man. Its too complicated for a simple mind like the Meister's. That psycho fella Freud would have had a field day with it though.
The best things in life are free
Lets see shall we?
Watching footy - not free
Cake - not free
Potatoes - not free
Chocolate - not free
Ice cream - not free
Alcohol - not free
Getting abuse and being shouted at by all and sundry - free
Go figure
The female of the species is more deadly than the male
Now this the Meister wholeheartedly agrees with
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
Now who in their right minds would want to catch flies uis beyond the Meister.
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over
Something tells the Meister that the numpty who came up with that was deaf
You can have too much of a good thing
That just does not make any sense at all. Is it saying that too much footy is a bad thing? IS it? Seriously? And before any muppet starts claiming tht the proverb does not say 'cannot' Meister would advice them all to go and check their school grammar to figure out the connotaions of the word 'too'
You can't make bricks without straw
Maybe in the 16th century, not now....some one update this....you can have something like
You can't make coffee without milk
Meister knows that technically you can and that there are some sad deluded numpties who actually drink that stuff, but coffee without milk is Guus-awful that it is better to drink one's own pee...that at least is allegedly good for health.
Two heads are better then one
A mysoginist proverb!! Who would have thunk!! And funnily enough the muppet feminists haven't figured it out yet.
Does the Meister have to spell it out?
Think about it?
Who has two heads?
Men do...one on the top of their neck and the other on the top of their doodah.
This reminds the Meister of that old joke - you know the one about Why are men better thinkers and women better talkers?
Coz men have two heads and women have four lips
There's more than one way to skin a cat and There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream and Give a dog a bad name and hang him
Animal cruelty!!!!! Which sick bastard wants to do that??!!!!
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
Meister really can't argue with that now can he :-) Although supporting the man's footy club would also help.
There are two sides to every question
Oh yeah? Pray tell the two sides of the question - What is your name?
The only good Indian is a dead Indian
Even the foocking Paki bastards have a proverb of their own!!!!!!!
The husband is always the last to know
The Meister would respectfully and vehemently like to disagree and refute this. It is usually the Meister who is the last to know.
The good die young
Nonsense...Exhibit A - the Meister...he is still alive isn't he?
Only fools and horses work
What about the Meister then? He knows he is not a horse, he has a certificate and everything. So if he is not a horse, does that mean he is a......oh crap
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
As Depressed as a Drunk Skunk in a Funk
A few of you had recently asked why the Meister had been in a funk lately. Well here goes....
Reasons for Meister's latest bout of dumdumness can be categorised in the following ways.
a. Office
This has to do with el bastardo, Meister's boss. The dynamic dumbass forced the Meister to stay in office till 11 and why? Because His Dastardiness had gone cavorting with some client in the afternoon and evening. That coupled with the attitude that Meister's work is never good enough, even if Meister follows instructions to the inch. In such cases, as he cannot say anything else, he will play the ultimate trump card - client feedback.
b. Health
Meister really doesn't need to say anything about this now does he? The whole of last week, he was suffering despite taking all his medicines dilligently etc etc Also, the lack of sleep had taken a huge toll......by the end of the week, he had run out of fuel as well as reserves....he was tottering around on fumes.
c. Lady Talkslalot
Last weekend, Meister, upon hearing of the existence of custard, had invaded Talksalot's premises, for said custard. In the ensuing conversations, Meister got to know that Talkslaot had a recent hike. Meister demanded a party or rather food. Talksalot said she will. On Tuesday, while chatting, when Meister asked her about time and place, she ran away (virtually of course) and wnt AWOL. Her excuse later was that she didnt see the chat message. She did offer to give him food but the Meister doesn't want pity food.
d. Dreams
Ahhh, Freudian territory.
Meister had a dream, involving You Know Who. Now Meister usually only dreams about football, so this was weird.
In the dream, Meister was going to office in a train (probably MMTS). He was with some unidentifiable friend. All of a sudden he saw You Know Who going into the ladies compartment. He was astounded, astonished, flabbergasted etc etc. He couldn't believe his eyes. He asked his friend did you see her? Is she really there? Whats she doing there?
Imagine Meister's consternation when the friend told Meister that she had married Kirti (don't ask why, no clue why his name came into the procedings...hell at least it wasn't Ayush Prasad.....that would have prompted Meister to drive to the top of the STFLMNDI overbridge, drink a bottle of rat poison, stab himself multiple times with a knife and then jump from the top of the bridge in the path of an incoming train) and had been living in Hyd for the last 1 year. Meister was heartbroken, and so devastated that he woke up.
Now the Meister has rationally (or what goes for rationale in his head anyway) analysed the dream and he has come to this conclusion. Its not the fact that she has married.....just because the Meister can't marry doesn't mean that she shouldn't....Meister is perfectly reconciled to hear about her marriage at any moment of time. What hurt the Meister was the fact that she didn't even tell the Meister...well she didn't really have to, but it would have been nice tho......its as if
i. Meister doesn't matter...which is sad
ii. she doesn't trust the Meister in some ways...which is also sad
e. Ayush Prasad
A lil bit of him is ok, say for 13 seconds...but a whole lot of him just drives the Meister bananas.
3 days of Ayush brings Meister to suicidal or homicidal territory.
What makes it even worse is that he had promised Don Uber that he won't be nasty at Ayush. When Meister makes a promise, he keeps it......but man alive it was harsh...it was easily one of the closest Meister has ever been to breaking a promise.
Meister can't help it. The moment Ayush's mouth opens, Meister itches to kick him in the bollocks.... and this despite the fact that Meister belives and practices that ancient gentleman's code... Thou Shalt not Kick Thy Opponent in the Bollocks
f. Ayush has a girlfriend
In fact he had 1 earlier, now he has another one. James Michal has had gfs, despite him thrashing them. Shray has/had 1. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz had had about 3 dozen. Every Tom, Dick and Son of a Mongoose has, had, will have gf(s).
Noone for the Meister. None. Not even 1. No woman, not 1 woman has ever liked him or loved him enough and is ever likely to (his mother and grandmother don't count).
g. Uber
Uber came up and told the Meister that she is going to make it up to him. Extremely kind of her and all that but Meister is not used to that kinda kindness and it just makes him confused.
It made him think about how he comes off - does he come off as a person who keeps a track, a ledger of favours etc? Its not as if he was helping the kid as the kid is a friend.
He would have done the same or whatever else required for anybody in the world - even Tasneem and Ayush. Honestly. Ok, after his latest revealations, maybe not Ayush.
h. Everyone shouts at the Meister
Everyone. Well almost everone. (In his 28 years of existence, there is just 1 person who has never - Merryaduck Brandybuck, Meister's friend from the age of 3.)
It doesn't matter what Meister does, how he behaves, sooner or later he pisses off and irritates everybody....with the result that they shout at him.
Everytime Meister thinks that ok, maybe this time there won't be a shout.......disappointment every time. It has come to such a situation that he expects to be shouted at every day, any day, any moment. To him it has become a matter of when, not if. Just like a dhobi's gadha who knows the whip is coming, Meister also knows that its coming.
It makes the Meister want to just throw in the towel and just to end it all.
So now you all know. Enough of this type. The regular Meister will be back with a new post in no time.
Reasons for Meister's latest bout of dumdumness can be categorised in the following ways.
a. Office
This has to do with el bastardo, Meister's boss. The dynamic dumbass forced the Meister to stay in office till 11 and why? Because His Dastardiness had gone cavorting with some client in the afternoon and evening. That coupled with the attitude that Meister's work is never good enough, even if Meister follows instructions to the inch. In such cases, as he cannot say anything else, he will play the ultimate trump card - client feedback.
b. Health
Meister really doesn't need to say anything about this now does he? The whole of last week, he was suffering despite taking all his medicines dilligently etc etc Also, the lack of sleep had taken a huge toll......by the end of the week, he had run out of fuel as well as reserves....he was tottering around on fumes.
c. Lady Talkslalot
Last weekend, Meister, upon hearing of the existence of custard, had invaded Talksalot's premises, for said custard. In the ensuing conversations, Meister got to know that Talkslaot had a recent hike. Meister demanded a party or rather food. Talksalot said she will. On Tuesday, while chatting, when Meister asked her about time and place, she ran away (virtually of course) and wnt AWOL. Her excuse later was that she didnt see the chat message. She did offer to give him food but the Meister doesn't want pity food.
d. Dreams
Ahhh, Freudian territory.
Meister had a dream, involving You Know Who. Now Meister usually only dreams about football, so this was weird.
In the dream, Meister was going to office in a train (probably MMTS). He was with some unidentifiable friend. All of a sudden he saw You Know Who going into the ladies compartment. He was astounded, astonished, flabbergasted etc etc. He couldn't believe his eyes. He asked his friend did you see her? Is she really there? Whats she doing there?
Imagine Meister's consternation when the friend told Meister that she had married Kirti (don't ask why, no clue why his name came into the procedings...hell at least it wasn't Ayush Prasad.....that would have prompted Meister to drive to the top of the STFLMNDI overbridge, drink a bottle of rat poison, stab himself multiple times with a knife and then jump from the top of the bridge in the path of an incoming train) and had been living in Hyd for the last 1 year. Meister was heartbroken, and so devastated that he woke up.
Now the Meister has rationally (or what goes for rationale in his head anyway) analysed the dream and he has come to this conclusion. Its not the fact that she has married.....just because the Meister can't marry doesn't mean that she shouldn't....Meister is perfectly reconciled to hear about her marriage at any moment of time. What hurt the Meister was the fact that she didn't even tell the Meister...well she didn't really have to, but it would have been nice tho......its as if
i. Meister doesn't matter...which is sad
ii. she doesn't trust the Meister in some ways...which is also sad
e. Ayush Prasad
A lil bit of him is ok, say for 13 seconds...but a whole lot of him just drives the Meister bananas.
3 days of Ayush brings Meister to suicidal or homicidal territory.
What makes it even worse is that he had promised Don Uber that he won't be nasty at Ayush. When Meister makes a promise, he keeps it......but man alive it was harsh...it was easily one of the closest Meister has ever been to breaking a promise.
Meister can't help it. The moment Ayush's mouth opens, Meister itches to kick him in the bollocks.... and this despite the fact that Meister belives and practices that ancient gentleman's code... Thou Shalt not Kick Thy Opponent in the Bollocks
f. Ayush has a girlfriend
In fact he had 1 earlier, now he has another one. James Michal has had gfs, despite him thrashing them. Shray has/had 1. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz had had about 3 dozen. Every Tom, Dick and Son of a Mongoose has, had, will have gf(s).
Noone for the Meister. None. Not even 1. No woman, not 1 woman has ever liked him or loved him enough and is ever likely to (his mother and grandmother don't count).
g. Uber
Uber came up and told the Meister that she is going to make it up to him. Extremely kind of her and all that but Meister is not used to that kinda kindness and it just makes him confused.
It made him think about how he comes off - does he come off as a person who keeps a track, a ledger of favours etc? Its not as if he was helping the kid as the kid is a friend.
He would have done the same or whatever else required for anybody in the world - even Tasneem and Ayush. Honestly. Ok, after his latest revealations, maybe not Ayush.
h. Everyone shouts at the Meister
Everyone. Well almost everone. (In his 28 years of existence, there is just 1 person who has never - Merryaduck Brandybuck, Meister's friend from the age of 3.)
It doesn't matter what Meister does, how he behaves, sooner or later he pisses off and irritates everybody....with the result that they shout at him.
Everytime Meister thinks that ok, maybe this time there won't be a shout.......disappointment every time. It has come to such a situation that he expects to be shouted at every day, any day, any moment. To him it has become a matter of when, not if. Just like a dhobi's gadha who knows the whip is coming, Meister also knows that its coming.
It makes the Meister want to just throw in the towel and just to end it all.
So now you all know. Enough of this type. The regular Meister will be back with a new post in no time.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A Sour Taste in the Mouth
Meister had promised himself that he wouldn't do this...that he wouldn't base himself or degrade himself like this...however unfortunately, being human (yes yes he knows it seems unlikely that a human can be this ugly, but it is true nonetheless, he has a certificate and everything) he is doing it.
So here goes, a post on Ayush Prasad.
Yes, the same Ayush Prasad who burnt his own balls.
And going against his every instinct and fighting his own flesh and blood and nerves et all, Meister will try not to use a single adjective to describe said person.
Last week, there was some extreme bruhaha in campus, by that the Meister means the campus where he spent 2 years of his life. The Jatobsesser got thrashed badly by her boyfriend.....on her birthday nonetheless...poor kid...anyway, as a result entered Ayush Prasad, all paragon of virtue and beacon of morality, in the scene.
Lacking any sense of practicality whatsoever, Ayush naturally started quoting philosophy and lecturing the poor kid. The fact that she should be or might need to be taken to the doctor never entered his mind. Nor the fact that even an ice cube or a hug helps....or even food (yes Meister doesn't care what anyone says, food helps)
So once the lecture started, it continued for 3 continuous foocking days.
Now since Ayush Prasad loves nothing better in life than to talk about himself, every lecture, every moniologue, every discourse soon turned into something about him. And it was when he was talking about himself that he told the Meister that he is against the institution of marriage, how it is this and that etc etc. So Ayush Prasad had decided that he will participate in a novel form of protest against marriage.
So far so good?
Its all about the timing right?
So Ayush Prasad will protest against the institution of marriage while getting married.
So why is he getting married if he is so against the institution? Because he is scared....no this is not something Meister is alleging, this is what Ayush himself declared.
In the Meistric dictionary, there are a few words which are there to describe people like these. You know the sort of people who do not possess the courage to do what they preach.
The word hypocrite comes to mind. Woos is also applicable.
Coward is also highly appropriate.
But hey this is Ayush Prasad right, Meister guesses that while burning his physical balls, he also managed to burn his inner balls.
Another proof of which Meister received when he got to hear that Ayush Prasad himself had, as a proof of his masculinity, beaten up one of his former girlfriends.
Yes people, Ayush Prasad, the great protector of women and women's rights, had beaten up a woman.
However, since the Meister wasnt there when this action took place, he would be more than happy to delet this part of his blog and apologise to Ayush Prasad if he, or any of his friends or philopohers or guides, can prove that he didn't do it.
And he had the temerity to try and justify his actions in front of the Meister.
Anyway people,
do whatever you want Meister doesn't care.
But if you raise your hands on a woman or a child, don't do it in front of the Meister and don't try to justify yourself in front of the Meister.
There is NO JUSTIFICATION for beating up a woman or a child or for that matter anyone who is weaker than you - none whatsoever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)