Socks, socks, his kingdom for a pair of socks

Ok, technically not a kingdom (Meister belongs to that group of people whose name starts with a p and the mere mention of whom makes Don Violent blow her top and threaten GBH to the Meister)

On an aside, don't you think that the phrase 'blow her top' should be sued for giving a wrong picture to a dude's mind?? A dude upon listening to the phrase, would picturise a girl actually taking off her top and....well doesn't really matter what else..girl taking her top off is enough...., but instead would actually get the modern equivalent of bloody Boudicea. If there ever was a case of false advertisement....

Anyway to come back to topic, Meister needs a butler desperately or someone, anyone who can pair socks. See, the Meister can do a lot of things. He however, cannot do even more things....simple things which other people seem to manage......say for example oiling your boss/guide, or acting/pretending that someone is someone's best friend and then stabbing them in the back or even bitching about them behind their back....or pairing a sock.

The Meister is completely incapable of this simple task. Its some block in his brain or something. It was ok in school as all the socks were white. But now, its a massacre. the Meister has about 40-50 socks, none in pair. The Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion matches them up whenever she comes down, but once used and given to the maid, they all come back as a whole and not as pairs. The Meister's sartorial extravaganza now doesn't reach his socks. You can see him wearing a navy blue and a black or a navy blue and a brown or a black and a brown together. In those rare cases that you might find him with 2 socks of the same colour, they will inevitably be of different sizes and designs. There's even a grey one, which the Meister is pretty sure he has never bought...mysterious you know.

So, the Meister needs a butler......on second thoughts no not really.....given Fate's, Life's, Destiny's and Mother Nature's endearing habit to continuously kick the Meister in his bollocks, it is better not to have a butler. The guy would probably steal all of the Meister's socks.

Myths

Well, the Meister has recently been as sad, depressed and drunk as a skunk in a funk.

In one of these moodes, he started thinkin about mythology - you know the stuff with gods and demons and heroes etc etc. So here is what he thought.

Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Barring that, what we have is basically a lot of seriously cool stories involving lots of drinking, wars and sex, one great thing about mythologies is the characters - esp the animals.

Greeks: Chimera (1/3rd lion, goat and serpent..who thought of that?? seriously thats one of the coolest creatures ever), 9 headed Hydra, Cerebus, Minotaur

The Phoenix is a bit of a traveller and keeps popping out in many myths - Egyptian, Arabic, Chinese and Japanese (not to mention Harry Potter)

The Norse, on the other hand were not that into animals. True they had that giant snake and that giant wolf, but apart from them it was mostly men and women. However, what they do have going for them are the Valkyries.

Picture this, you go fight, if you win you get gold, cattle, women; if you die some big boobed woman will come and carry you off to Valhalla where you will spend the rest of eternity in a party with neverending buffet and alchohol. I mean this is the perfect win-win situation if there ever was one. No wonder those dudes were so fearless and all. Its the best after death scenario ever.

Talking about death, lets compare after death scenarios in some other cultures.

According to them Greeks, you die, then you go to the underworld where you have to pay Chiron to take u across Styx or Acheron, and then you get judged and depending on the result, you are sent to Elysium for the blessed, Tartarus for the damned, and Asphodel for the rest.

Everyone knows about the Egyptians and their morbid preoccupation with death. In their case, it is the baboon/ibys Thoth who judges the soul in a balance with a feather.

I am leaving out the Mayans and the Incans. Those bloodthirsty dudes were more interested in the deaths of their victims than their own.

Now we come to our very own Hindu myths. You die, you go to th underworld and you meet whom - another bloody clerk/ bureaucrat!!!!!!!!!! Bloody Chitragupta with his bloody ledger. A prime area for corruption if you ask me.

For that matter, look at our gods. The most powerful one is a pothead who kills his wife when she nags him too much (not cool dude, not cool). Another of our main gods in a geriatric married to a young lady - who is supposed to be the god of wisdom and learning - you married a geriatric lady, how smart was that? and we are supposed to follow your example). The 3rd of our main gods is the grandfather of all loose characters - the dude goes around marrying/seducing hundreds of women and as a kid, goes and hides the clothes of ladies when they are bathing thus forcing them to walk naked in front of him!!!

On the plus side, we do have some pretty powerful goddesses and pre-incarnations of Buffy so to speak - you know all them demon slaying goddesses et all. We have the world's 1st multi species transplant involving for some weird reason gods and eleophants, we have nuclear weapons, flying chariots, shapeshifting demons etc. Some of our gods are even green you know, they recycle themselves and come as different avatars.

However, they are some mean bastards - they regularly make the asuras do the hard work and then they steal all the good stuff and kill the asuras.......hmm doesn't that remind you of the modern day bosses?

Calls

Meister was looking at his phone and thinking how an extremely nominal number of people call him. He started counting and could not even reach 5. There is the twice daily calls fro mthe Esteemed Nuters of the Parental Persuasion and there are the more or less weekly calls from Sandman and SS. That's it......no one else!!!

Well, his boss calls, but that's either to give him more work or to give him galis, so that can be discounted and damned. MS sometimes calls, but that's usually to mke plans for a movie. Even dear old Uncle calls, but not regularly, more like once a month. Of course, Brandybuck doesn't need to call...since they have been best friends and talking from age 3.

This has pretty much been the theme of Meister's life. When he was in school, he used to get loads of claas. Ditto in college and university. But withing 6 months of passing out, the calls stop, the always stop.

All this really highlights the kindness of SS and the Sandman. Meister can't even begin to put into words how grateful he is to these two. SS, in particular, has an amazing knack of calling whenever the Meister is allowing in self-pity, misery and sadness - and she never fails to take his mind off his sorry existence. Well, Meister has a sneaky feeling that she is slowly becoming a saint. What else can you call a lady who is incapable of saying bad things about Quislex and foocking HechHar people??? As far as the Sandman goes, he is the Meister's best friend, barring Brandybuck of course, and is one of the nicest human beings around. If only he could stop his tendency to ask girls out for coffee!!!

Anyway, the point is that the Meister is eternally grateful etc to these 2 for taking time off their busy lives to talk to him.

Oh btw, the Great Indian Chunkubaaz also used to call the Meister oince upon a time. But ever since he got addicted to boudis and hair gel, he has stopped calling.

Planning for the Future - Exercise in Futility

What's d point of planning for the future? No seriously, what is the point? No one has seen the future, no one knows whats going to happen. So why thik and be worried about the future? Live for the present. Afterall, you can have life defining and life changing moments and not even though that it is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Same thing happened to me.

It was 1st semester in the looney den. I was standing for elections. I was campaigning. Sir Gaysalot was with me. In front of the mess he intrduced me to this girl and asked her to vote for me. Normal, mundane, everyday stuff right? Bloody wrong, who in foock's anme would have guessed that moment to be the changing of my life, the beginning of the rest of my life...hell even I didn't know.

She was just another girl. I had seen her before, during classes she used to sit in the front bemch of either the left or the central rows. She sued to hang out with the foreign kids. So naturally, I thought o000o another hoity toity. Well, 1st appearances are almost always deceptive aren't they?

Those of you who know her know that she is not hoity toity at all - nowhere near as hoity toity as the Xaverians or those poster people for hypocrisy - the cultural studies gang.

Well, my point is there is no way of knowing what the future holds or whom ou are going to meet or how big a part of your life the person you are going to meet is going to be. I never realised that when I first met her. Nor did I realise it for the 1st couple of months either, we used to hang around, chat etc. Nothing was amiss and then bam we had our 1st fight. I made fun of her when he had gone out for lunch as she was studying in the restaurant.

4-5 months we did not talk. 1 of those during the winter break. That was the 1st inkling I had that this girl might be Special, after all apart from football, I have never missed someone so much in my life. So, once I went back I tried talking to her and lo and behold she accepted. And that has been going on for the last 5 years now - I get pissed off or sad r something and stop talking for weeks or months and then when I start missing her way way too much, I again call her. She accepts every time (truth be told I am a bit surprised at that...I mean why? why would someone keep doing that?).

Anyway, back to the point again. The point is you never know what's going to happen and the best laid plans of mice and men etc etc. I never planned to fall in love, was alwaya bit of a misogynist and was always determined to be a bachelor. Still am a bachelor and will always be a bachelor but despite having no intentions to do so, fell in love.....thereby making my life unnecessarily more complicated.

So I have decided that from now on

1) its go with the flow time

2) everything looks better fter a few drinks (possible exception Ayush Prasad)

3) you can never have too much football

Ergo, get drunk while watching football, you really don't needto plan for anything else in life.

Mathew Harding's Blue and White Soldier

Well ever since the Meister and Potato met me, they have been bugging me to write something for their blog. I admit I am not as funny as the Meister or Potato. Plus, I don't know any of the people they keep talking about. So I was always in a quandary as to what to write for them. I asked them and both of them said that since hardly anyone reads their blog and almost noone apart from that Wasted girl comments anyway, it really doesn't matter what I write about.

Hardly encouraging is it? I don't know why they keep on writing though, because nothing's worse for an author than people iognoring his or her work totally. Even bad criticism is better than no response. But still its their blog and I am just a guest.

So I kept on thinking about what to write and then decided that I should write about what brought me in contact with Meister and the Potato in the first place - our love for football in general and Chelsea in particular.

I have been a Chelsea fan since the mid 90s. I have seen Ken foocking bates almost destroy our club, I have seen the Roman era, I have seen the Tinkerman losing us a match, I have seen Uefa not allowing us to win match after match after match. I have seen Gullit and Villi's artsy teams (Chelsea 5 Machester United 0 http://www.mychelseafc.com/reports/1999-2000/chelsea_50_manchester_united.htm...still brings tears to my eyes) seen Mourinho's juggernaut, seen the invisible Grant; seen Scolari fuck it all up and the Great Guus resurrecting us.

People keep harping about Roman leaving but hell if he leaves we will be better than when he came in, so that's progress and am not worried.

Which brings me to Ancelotti and the current season.

I am still a bit wary about the diamond formation 4-1-2-1-2. It didn't work during Scolari and its not that effective now. Against Villa, it didn't work at all. Didn't help that Villa played a blinder. It seems that it won't work against any team with good wingers. That's not a good thing at all. The whole problem is that with the diamond formation, there is too much responsibility and pressure on the full backs, they have to attack and defend. Bosingwa can't do both. In fact, he can't really defend that well.

So, as long as we have some backup plans, maybe a traditional 4 -4 -2 or a 4-3-3 or even a 4-5-1 or a 4-2-3-1, I am happy. Under Scolari we had none.

True we lost to Wigan but hey Titus Bramble happens. When Titus Bramble scores against you, it just is not your day, simple.

We are just 1 point off the top in the Prem and are the only with 100% records in wins and clean sheets in the Champs League, so signs are good. We thrashed Atletico 4-0, though they are crap at the moment, and Kalou scored twice in a game. That got me scared to be honest. If Kalou scores twice in 1 game, does that mean that the world is coming to an end?

Well, at least we Blues have a balanced view of the footballing world, unlike the Liverfools - who think that sun rises and sets from St. Steven's arse, or the Manures - who think that Lord God Fergie's purple nose is the sun and hence he world revolves round it and thus its normal that they get Fergie Standard Time.

Art of Writing

I recently read this small piece by the Special One. It was beautiful, highly depressing stufff, but beautiful nonetheless. I never knew she could write such good stuff. It was surprising. Well, come to think of it, it wasn't that surprising since hell she is a Ciefl girl after all. Well despite the fact that Ciefl does have its own share of idiots, people who can't spell their own names correctly - ala a certain neighbour of mine, and Ayush Prasad - who spills bullshit every time he opens his mouth or touches pen to paper or finger to keyboard as the case may be

Writing isn't easy, good writing is rare, hell judging by my colleagues even grammatical writing is gut wrentchingly difficult, so to see such a nice piece of writing all of a sudden was very nice. What attracted me was the way the feelings of a youg child was portrayed so realistically and convincingly.

I have no hesitation in saying that I will never be able to wrie something like that, but then again serious stuff is not exactly my forte. My forte is more in the lines of making people smile, chuckle, laugh, shake their heads in exasperation or exclaim "What the fuck is wrong with that bald fuck? How the fuck can he write fucking trash like this? etc etc" Deep thinking, introspection or talking about issues won't happen after reading my stuff. So I won't even try.

But all this writing stuff got me thinking - what if I was a screenplay writer you know. Well, here's what would have happened. The world would have been saddled with the following immortal lines

Frankly my dear, I care more about football (Gone with the Wind)

With great power comes great responsibilty, so appoint a good manager - call Guus Hiddink (Spiderman)

I will be with John Connor. Call him to pass on any messages. (Terminator II)

They may take our lives, but they will never take our chocolate chip cookiieesssss (Braveheart)

Hasta la manana baby (Terminator II)

Riddle me this riddle me that Who is afraid of a big giant gnat? (Batman Forever)

I am the best wanker in the world (Titanic)

So, on hindsight, it is a good thing that I am not a screenwriter.

Karma, Buggeritis and people who don't keep their words

Well everyone knows that Karma is a bitch...except in the case of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz. Being of a feminine persuation, Karma is also under the spell of that boudi seducing pillow thief, which is precisely why even her revenge on the Chunkubbaz lacks that bite. Even after not paying his bills, and swindling his company and stealing the Meister's pillow, he only gets a letter from the lawyers asking him to meet up and settle the amount..that's it. No police, no handcuffs, no kick on the backside.

The Meister's dear friend the Resident Bugger recently fell sick, so like any intelligent clear thinking person, he naturally did not tell anyone and starved himself. The magnificent moron starved himself for 2 whole days before summoning up the last vestiges of energy and IQ to call up MS. Things progressed smoothly after that(apart from the minor hiccup where the Bugger well bugged the doctor).

Anyway, immediately after meeting the doctor, true to form, he started feeling better and a couple of days later went to get his blood tasted. Here comes the strange part - his test results did not show dengue or malaria or typhoid or jaundice or swineflu - it came up with a whole new strain of virus hitherto unknown to man - H420V420. The scientists types are currently doing research on it but they have termed it Buggeritis in honour of the 1st idiot who fell sick with it.

While all this was going on, a certain friend and the meister fixed up a plan to go to the Bugger's house and get his medicine, money et all and to clean up his vomit. The Meister was gracious enough to inform the lady that he could meet her anywhere and anytime she wanted (as she had the keys). So what does she do - she calls up and postpones fiorst and thn messages to cancel the thing. The reason - she went on a shopping trip for a guest or something. Now, the Meister's problem and the reason he was pissed off like hell was this - when you give a word you keep it. Its true that such an attitude in today's day and world is stupid but hell that's what the Meister is like. He rarely gives his word but when he does he tries like hell to keep it and he sure as hell doesnt make plans with someone else.

Anyway, when the Meister first learnt about Bugger's latest bout of bugging, he was on a food date with Don Violent, where to his everlasting and immense shame he got lost while trying to find the loo.

You reap what you sow - silly foocking aphorism

You reap what you sow - unless you are the Meister, in which case you just keep on working and working and working, like that Greek whatsishname who keeps on rolling that stone up the mountain.

I really envy that fat assclown (the Potato, not the Greek dude). Well, obviously not his looks (the face that will crash a 1000 ships if it suddenly pops up on a dark night) or his physique (resembles a snowman..no not the abominable one).


I do all the work, and he reaps all the rewards.


For example, take last Saturday. Brownie was sick, so I decided to take her to Blue Cross. So I went to that den of whackjobs called Cielf/Eflu. I went to my ex-abode (which btw took away 8-9 years of my life via passive smoking, passive sniffing and repeated exposure to Ayush Prasad)
I roamed around the damn place and the campus but as usual could not find her anywhere. Then I learnt that some bastard had called the MCHech, who had come and had happily abducted 3 dogs.
So, I was worried. I called up the Violent Don, she called up more people...there was a flurry of phonecalls to find out who had called whom etc etc. A nice young girl whose name I have forgotten (hey I suffer from Mad Bull Disease, don't judge me) also came to help us. (There was another of those fox passing thingies...the young girl said she would come with us, I thought she said no.........never understanding what women want - story of my life)
We all decided to go to Blue Cross for further action. So, we travelled and we reached the Blue Cross gate and only when we reached the gate did we get the call that Brownie was still in campus. So, we went in and told the problems and fixed matters so that an ambulance would come in th evening to take Brownie away. By the time all this got over and Brownie finally went to hospital, it was about 5.

Don Violent then invited me over to her room for some coffee and UNO. So guess what happens?

I lose at UNO and then lose at UNO some more and then lose at UNO even more. Things turned really pathetic when thankfully I got an invitation to attend Sir Paunchsalot's birthday party later that night. I was all enthu, I came back home and took a bath etc and then......foocking fell asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I was sleeping, he went instead. And he ate, he drank and won 50 bucks out of nothing in a card game. He borrowed money from the Sexy Aunty, which he promptly lost. See, the problem was that he was sober when the game started. As the rounds progressed, he became significantly drunker and drunker and by the 6th or 7th peg, his brain was positively buzzing - result he won 50 bucks twice in the space of 3 rounds.

This is something interesting that I have seen before also - the progressively drunker he becomes, the better he becomes at indoor games. He positively kicks ass at Taboo when drunk, he is damn good at Cluedo when drunk, the only time in Monopoly when he does not get bankrupt is when he is drunk!!

Being a strict coffeetotaller on the other hand, I suck at all of them. I suck at these games more than anyone has ever sucked in the history of these games - nay in the history of history.

So I guess all of you understand my frustrations don't you. No wonder I am always depressed and sad and miserable etc etc.

But then I read this article and started feeling all right again.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/sep/07/charlie-brooker

After all, the Great A'tuin would probably finish his journey some day, not to mention the distinct possibility of one of the 4 elephants standing on him slipping (the 5th one has already fallen after all), and where will all of us be then? Huh? Huh? Not even Leonard of Quirm or the wizards at Unseen University have an answer to that..if you didn't understand anything of that, read Pratchett or you deserve to get your goolohoog head kicked.

Puts things into real perspective doesn't it?

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whiz

As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know

Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space

Because there's bugger all down here on Earth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk

It's a Disease

When you can hear a couple whispering "I Love You" in each other's ears from 200 yards away...

When you are surrounded by a bunch of uncouth roughneck savage barbarians wearing the yellow and red dress of East Bengal screaming and speaking in a language which does not follow any rule of linguistics whatsoever.....

When you see a bunch of guys pissing on a "Please do not pass urine here" sign......

When you see women walking around the street in their nighties in the middle of the day......

When you see thousands and thousands of people walking around on the streets wearing shirts, pants and hawai chappals.....

When you see a whole bunch of people shaking their head or/and using their hands or/and movin their whole body like a pendulum while listening to a msicall soiree etc, albeit without following any rhythm or beat......

When you see a whole bunch of people, who despite being primary school dropouts, arguing vociferously about something that they have no idea whatsoever.....

When you see a group of people truly believing that they are better than the legends of any sports......

When you see a group of people who can't even digest their food without sticking their nose into other's business and peeping into their neighbours' lives....

When you see a whole species of people who spend their whole lives trying to butter up to people and who can change their allegiances at the drop of a hat and will stab you in the back.......

.......then you know that either you are in an alternative universe where Fair is Foul, Foul is Fair etc etc.........

......or you are in Bangal counry

Disclaimer: No human being is a Bangal by birth.....Bangalness is like a disease, much like say HIV, its something that a person acquires.....some people are born humans, and then they become Bangals....and as cuch these creatures should not be shunned, they shopuld be pitied and helped.....and if they are East Bengal supporters - then beaten up.

Meister vs Aliens

This is the Potato again.

I have had to take over this blog yet again, though temporarily, coz the Meister has gone bananas. His nerves are shattered, his confidence is gone etc. Personally, I think he is just a bit of a wus but anyway.

It all started (according to the dynamic dimwit anyway) when he apparently started making all them fox passes ...(the hoity toity la-di-das pronounce it differently of course)...(btw I want to meet the guy who managed to train the foxes to play football, that guy should be the Indian team coach).......and he did it in front of the most violent Mafia leader he has ever known. ...ye know her...that leader of the LOLZ Mafia..

Apparently she is a feminist plus a cultural studies research scholar, and a close friend of the man who should be beaten up periodically, preferably at least 3 times every week for the benefit of mankind and civilization - Ayush Prasad. Ye all know the Meister's viwes regarding all three groups of people - though doubt lingers whether Ayush can be considered as people. So, there he was happily cursing all and sundry, when the declaration from the Violent One came, thereby scaring the bejeejus out of the Meister.

He has been a little out of whack ever since.

He has been so out of whack that he lost 2 stare-downs to 2 kids in about 2 hours in 1 night. Yep, the kids actually stared him down. Once in Inox and once while coming back home, Meister was on the bike, kid was in a car...Stupid silly good for nothing muppet.

But the worst was yet to come.

Next day he had just started from home for office when he chanced upon a billy goat. They both stodd still and looked at each other.

Then there was a mexican standoff....both stared at each other without moving or batting an eyelash (though truth be told the billy goat had an advantge, he didn't have eyelashes)...

It was an epic encounter between man and beast

It was mano y goato at its finest.

So they stared and they stared.....and then...of course you know it.....

Meister blinked

shame, mortification, sorrow, ignominy, disgrace etc etc

He went back home and hasn't left it yet. I have had to go to office and do all other stuff. He is just lying there staring at the ceiling and sighing.

The dimwit is now saying that it must have been an alien goat and thats why it's mojo was so strong etc.

Well, I told him that if the goat was an alien, then the Meister is a monster, in fact he is the Missing Link.

No, not the link between man and ape nor the link between mammals and reptiles.....

Meister is the link between man and muppet.