Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The End

Here it is people, every good thing comes to an end. But then again, according to the survey and deluge of recriminations (I don't give a fuck if the spelling is wrong), the Meisterblog is not really a good thing. So, rejoice all ye bossturds who have had sense of humour surgically removed, ye have finally managed to do it - ye have managed to stop the Meisterblog.

Ever since the Mister started writing the damn thing, he had been inundated with complaints. Everybody likes to laugh at other people, but when it comes to themselves it suddenly becomes "oh no, how dare he".  Foocking hypocritical cowards the lot of ye.

Ye don't deserve to laugh or smile. Ye don't deserve the Meister. Ye deserve all the shit that the blog world throws at ye in the form of incoherent nonsense ramblings et all couched as post modern bullshit.

From now on, no more fun, no more humour, no more references to people, no more tales about the Meisterlife.

I will write what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't give a fuck anymore whether you read it or not.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Baldric and the Frog

Baldric being the Pegasus of the Flying Fatman and The Frog being well a frog, you know one of them members of the Anura cult.

Well, this particular frog has fallen in luw with Baldrick. He/she/it patiently waits for and comes to Baldrick once he comes home from work. Rumour has it that they have been seen sleeping together and all. Can't tell ye all about Baldrick's feelings though, the moody so and so is acting all pricey and refusing to talk to the Meister.

As for the frog, Meister has grave doubts about that fella's grey matters. Meister thinks that he/she/it is the Anurian equivalent of those whales who decide to get a suntan on the beach - in other words a dumbass.

Talking about frogs, Meister's friend the Anoian Tippytapper has been going around harassing boiled frogs in her dreams. Now the Meister is truly an expert in weird dreams - but this was a wee bit special even for him.

Now the Meister takes pride (wholly unjustifiably) in being an expert dream analyzing chappy, so here goes....

1. She is stuck in a rut and wants one of them prince chappies or knights in shining armours...ye know the ones who are tall, dark, handsome and whose teeth  go "ting" when they smile

2. She has a desire to become a supporter of Chairman Mao

3. She has fallen in love with Baldrick

4. She has unfulfilled ambitions to get the Nobel Prize for Zoology

5. She has become a supporter of France

6. She is extremely horny and wants a cunnilingual....and frogs r the best as far as tongues are concerned

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Meister likes cartoons. There, Meister has said it. So all you la-di-dahs can go ahead and sneer.

And to further give u material for sneering, Meister loves and adores the Hollywood fare as well.

So this post is about them - not the staple Hannah Barbera or Walt Disney characters, but the ones esp created for movies. Pixar and Dreamworks, take a bow.

These are the characters ye will remember till the day (or night) ye die. They have formed one of them indelible type thingies on the mind and heart. They are instrumental in making their films super duper hits n all.
The list below is not according to rank, so sireee...there is no way in hell anyone can claim that Donkey is better than King Julian or vice versa. In fact, both of them can be in the Top 10 Movie characters of all time ye know with Tyler Darden, Hannibal Lector.....wait a minute, Meister will make that list too

Animation Characters
  • Donkey
  • King Julian 
  • The Penguins
  • B.O.B
  • Po 
  • Squirrel from Ice Age

And that got the Meister thinking about some of the greatest characters them tv writer types ever came up with. These are the people who lights up the show, without whom the show loses its lustre and becomes mundane.

TV Characters
  1. Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
  2. Homer Simpson (Simpsons)
  3. Denny Crane (Boston Legal)
  4. Gil Grissom (CSI)
  5. Baldrick (Blackadder)
  6. Spike (Buffy and Angel)
  7. Randy Hickey (My Name is Earl)
  8. Adrian Monk (Monk)
  9. The Costanzas (Seinfeld)
  10. Frank and Robert Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
  11. Niles Crane (Frasier)
  12. Jack Donaghy (30 Rock)

Movie Characters

  1. Inspector Clousseau (Pink Panther)
  2. Captain Jack Sparrow (POTC)
  3. King Julian/Donkey (Madgascar/ Shrek)
  4. Indiana Jones
  5. Joker v. Heath Ledger
  6. Smeagol (LOTR)
  7. Forest Gump
  8. Rocky Balboa (Rocky)
  9. The Dude (Big Lebowski)
  10. Vincent Gambini (My Cousin Vinny)
  11. Jason Bourne/John McLaine (Bourne, Die Hard)
  12. The Man with No name and Tuco (Good Bad and Ugly)
  13. Jubba the Hut (Star Wars)
  14. The Terminator
  15. Yoda (Star Wars)
  16. Anton Chirugh (No Country for Old Men)
  17. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)
  18. Maxwell Smart v Steve Carell
  19. Ace Ventura
  20. Wall E / E.T.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Couldn't think of a title

Well, Meister has had some mighty weird dreams lately. Weird even by his own standards.

In one of his dreams, Meister was in a forest being chased by a group of chupacabras. He kept on running and running (yeah yeah yeah, Meister running etc etc) till he came to the edge of the forest and found a locked multistoried building. He cried for help and begged the inhabitants to let him come in.

He got pelted with tomatoes instead.

He woke up to find the real life chupacabra happily thumping the crap out of the Meisterhead with her tail.

In another dream, he, in his Fat Uncle Cheapo avatar, put on a spandex wrestling suit, oiled himself up and went into an arena for a wrestling match. Only problem was that the opponent was a mountain gorilla - yep the same one who keeps appearing in his dreams and bangs the Meisterhead with a hammer and shouts "nevermore".

It wasn't a good contest.

Poor Meister, even in his dreams he gets bashed up.

But anyway this got the Meister thinking what if he had chosen an alternative career path.
Well, he would have been a complete and utter failure in that career instead of being a complete and utter failure in the career that he has chosen.
Well, that got the Meister thinking about alternative careers for his friends, so called friends etc, all with the near certainty of being total and epic failures (much like the Meisterlike).
1. OCD Man as a forensic investigator ala CSI.
Just imagine, OCD Man goes to a crime scene, sees all the blood, utters "disgusting" and whips out his washing supplies and starts cleaning up the whole place.
No crime would ever get solved again.
2. Sandman as the mascot of KFC
3. MS Brownjacket or Lady Talksalot as Guest Lecturers on the Topic of "Too much Work is Bad for Your Life"
No point being indignant or claiming to the contrary, ye lot are workaholics and ye know it.
4. Ex Lord Botanist as the Poster boy for Abstinence
Some things just doesn't work
5. SS as the Spokesperson for any I/We Hate ____ Campaign

She likes HR people and Bongs, can ye really beat that?

6. Benny the Prude as a Producer of Porn Films

The name explains it

7. Literary Doglover as a documentary filmmaker

No bird will be safe is all that can be said in this matter.

8. Anoian Tippy Tapper as an editor/writer in a Sissy Girly Magazine

Can ye picture her going around writing muppetesque quizes for dummies and looking at engagement rings?

Ye can? She did? Oh!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Holy Mother of Phytoplanktons Fatman, What a Fortnighty Thingy

This is the Potato subbing for the Meister again. It seems some silly asses has gone and filled his head with ideas about writing fiction and publishing them etc. Ever since he has been dreaming of glory, success, fame etc.


Poor muppet, when will he learn


Anyway, it seems Meister had an interesting weekend (despite the best efforts of chupacabras and snotty people).


It all started on Friday.


Hippo was getting married. Meister was given an order to procure a bouquet of white flowers. Now Meister and flowers don't really get along very well. In fact, barring, roses, sunflowers and lotuses, he possibly wouldn't be able to identify any other flower for toffee.


So with some of them trepe..trepi...with a fair degree of fear, he set out for a flower shop. He found one in Begumpet and was about to park Baldrick illegally, when he came face to face with a traffic cop. Meister being one of them intelligent fellas immediately asked th cop for suggestions regarding where he could park. The cop, being Indian, immediately pointed to the same illegal space which Meister was eyeing.


Once that business was over, Meister entered the shop and in a few minutes managed to bug the crap out of the shop assistants with his incessant questions regarding what's this and what's that. Anyway after about 30-40 minutes of extreme hairpulling (on the part of the shop dudes) Meister got his bouquet. Suffice to say that there was no pink any where. It had something called Reincarnations (?), something called Asian Cauliflowers (?) and something that looked like a sunflower but had a different name.


With such weaponry in his arsenal, Meister went home, wore his skin tight khadis and proceeded to the wedding place.

And realised that he was easily the most over dressed and uncomfortable dimwit over there.

Why was he uncomfortable ye ask?

It was hot
This was the 1st time he was wearing a kurta
There were snotty people

Well, it was the 3rd reason whjich really got his goat actually.

Meister does not like snotty people. His proletariat blood boils when he encounters them rich upper class bossturds who think they are better than the Meister because they are richer and have attended la di dah schools or colleges or whatever.

There were a couple of such numbnuts over at the wedding. Old friends of the bride and Uber. They looked at the Meister as if he is something the cat dragged in (well to be fair, he almost always looks like he is something the cat dragged in, but thats beside the point) and tried their best to pretend that the Meister does not exist.

Meister suffered the indignity silently as he

a. did not want to mak a scene
b. did not want to be thrown out

Suffice to say, Meister's whole night was spoiled.

Oh, the Meisterbouquet ended up on a tree.


Chelsea won the Premier League. Meister got to eat nice fish courtesy Uber and the Juicy Guy.


Morning: Uber said she will help the Meister in publishing etc.

So far so good. The Meister is ecstatic etc.

Well, something had to happen innit?

  • A close dear friend's father had to be hospitalised
  • Chupacabra ate the Meister's food
  • Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion informed him that she is undergoing some tests for cancer
  • Meister lost a full day's work as he forgot to save it 
  • Special One got married

See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a continuous series of kicks in the bollocks.

And then Chelsea went ahead and compunded the problem by winning the double. Meister got happy again and so naturally......

Spondulitis, copious quantities of galis from boss people, no electricity, no internet, no Uber (she left) and then Baldrick shutting down shop.

And to put icing on the cake, a hurricane is coming.

Nice ain't it?

Well all this brings us to the conclusion that

Its high time that the rest of humanity save themselves and they can only do so by interring Meister in an underground nuclear buker in a deserted Pacific island with no fan, no comp and no TV.

Meister can't possibly get happy there and the world will be safe again.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Swadeshi Meister

Well, the Hippo got married.

And Meister wanted to gift something Indian to him. General concensus veered to a short kurta (who knew they existed...crazy fashion) it being all Indian.

So the Meister decided to buy that.

Having fixed that, next part of the quest was finding out where a kurta can be found.

Ok for those sniggering at the back, Meister has never bought any kind of Indian clothing in his life.

He does not wear dhotis because thats just a reprehensible obscene piece of garment directly responsible for the Indians losing each and every one of their wars agains foreign invaders.

He does not wear pyjamas because of the absence of zippers in the said garment (peeing is too much of a bother).

And he does not wear kurtas coz they are just too much of a bother - (washing, ironing, folding bloody hell)

Anyway, Uber suggested FabIndia. But since the Meister is against upper class imperialist hedgemonistic capitalist organisations, he said: no way Jose.

He instead decided that he will buy Khadi stuff - as swadeshi as you can get.

Well, having decided that he bullied the Literary Doglover to accompany him to the shops.

So they went and they found a nice wee thing for the Hippo.

Meister got all excited and in a fit of patriotism decided that he wants one - only in a much much bigger size of course.

The Doglover was telling the Meister about a couple of friends of hers from USA USA USA who came down here and bought kurtas and then got stuck.

And so guess what hsappened?

That's right

Meister got stuck in the damn thing as well.

It was terrible!!!! Meister's hands were over his head and akimbo, his vision was blocked, he couldn't move his head.

Doglover and a shopdude started pulling things and after 5 mins of extreme efforts, finally the Meister was free....exhausted but free.

Suffice to say that he bought the stuff.

But thats not important, what is important is the fact that the Literary Doglover finally got her wish. Her dreams came true.

She got to take off the Meister's clothes.

She hasn't stopped smiling.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Return of the Count

Well it seems that the Count is sad.

Which count ye ask?

Well the Meister is talking about his good friend the Count Luigi Christopher di Jimborghini...aka the Artist formerly known as Stupid Bastard.

You all knew him as stupid, you all know that he is a bastard. What you perhaps did not know was that ever since the death of Bruno, he had been looking for a new life partner.

After about 2 years of searching he finally found his partner - Garfield.

They completed each other. They had so much fun (even in that Guusforsaken piece of crap place dominated by cultural studies hypocrites).

Those were the days...the heady feeling of new love transcended them to a more beautiful realm.

But alas, in the Eden, came a monster...well 2 actually - Abhe Bhaiya and Hijra Bhaiya. They massacred and burnt down Eden and drove away all its inhabitants.

The Count called for help and his loyal page - that good for nothing cheapo fat waste of oxygen - duly obliged and whisked him away. Garfield was left behind in the melee.

Fortuntely he survived the massacre. But the seeds of discontnt was sown.

The Count pined and pined for his lover, and when opportunity struck, and surreptitously came back into his domain to meet his lost love.

Garfield and the Count were overjoyed at their happy reunion.

Well, so it seemed.

But lust and jealously reared their ugly heads.

Apparently Garfield became jealous that the Count had spent a number of days in the presence of a female. The Count begged him to understand that the female concerned is a crap eating Chupacabra and that she means nothing to him.

But alas no amount of reasoning proved adequate. 

Garfield broke off their relationship and to teach the Count a lesson started a rebound relationship with a female.

The Count caught them one day in flagrante.

He was heartbroken.

He was devastated.

His whole world came crashing down.

He could not bear watching the love of his life gallivanting around other females.

So, with no other recourse open to him, he bid adeu to his kingdom (or countdom as the case may be) and slowly and wearily trudged his way back to the lair of the hairy beast......one place in the world where he was welcomed with open arms and chicken bones.

Poor Count.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Evil Spirits

Recently (don't ask when, its all lost in the mists of time), the Meister was discussing evil spirits, demons etc with the Anoian Tippy Tapper. Maybe the recent Chupacabra infestation of the Meisterhouse was a reason for discussion.

Apparently they (the coconut oil lovers) have a creature called Yakshi who go around drinking blood and killing people. A female vampire in other words.

Well, motherland (Bong country - a place from where Meister has been disqualified for

a. calling Tagore over rated (as a story writer and painter)
b. refusing to act like a pompous twat or be politically correct
c. announcing, in an SFI convention, that his favorite politician is George W Bush
d. laughing hysterically during a sombre poetry recital
e. announcing that all poets, amateur singers and those into amateur dramatics should be kept locked up) 

also has its own share of vampires and blood suckers. You can identify them by the fact that they go around calling each other comrades.

Now while chatting, the Meister regaled (or bored the crap out of) the Anoian with a story from motherland. Here it is now for the rest of ye lot.

There was this very famous and rich trader. He was a fan of Lord Shiva (he had the jerseys, the flags, the scarves etc the whole shcamoddle so to speak). He said he will worship only Shiva and no one else (the one club, one love syndrome). Now this pissed off Manasa, the goddess of snakes. She was flexing her muscles and buying up all the important personalities. She threatened the trader with direconsequences (snake bites) if he doesn't worship her.

The trader said: pffft my fffttt, piss off etc etc.

Manasa was enraged but couldn't do anything as the dude was a supporter of Lord Shiva. She waited

Now the trader had a son called Lokhinder. For all intents and purposes he was a complete waste of time and story space (much like Nani). Anyway, that dummy got married to a girl called Behula (who named these people??? seriously!!!! from the whole plethora of sexy girl names to choose from they chose Behula - which btw is similar to the Bong term for violins, go figure).
The trader was concerned and he protected everything with lots of soldiers, he blocked all doors, lit up all places, cleaned all areas etcetc.

The wedding night arrived, the newly weds started fucking, and just when things got really interesting, a snake came to the wedding room through a hole in the wall and bit the groom to death. Behula, who was on the verge of orgasm, was understandably distraught. (Meister had problems empathising with her situation untill the use of an analogy - imagine its the Champs League final, the last penalty kick, if u score u win...and your captain goes and falls flat on his arse)

Howls of anguish and nooooooooooooooooooo was heard for miles around (not from Behula but from Meister that night).

Behula was so sexually frustrated that she decided that she announced that she is going to appeal to people upstairs.

People were initially baffled as they were simple folk and there were only one story houses back then.

Understanding dawned after the use of a few choiced invectives by Behula.

They built a raft and put the groom's body in it, Behula then boarded and set sail for heaven. She started meditating and praying. her prayers were so succesful that Indra (the 2nd biggest luj character of them all) instructed his assistant to "Beam em up Scotty" (c. Anoian Tippy Tapper)

Once she reached the place, she first of all puked a lot (movement sickness you see). Once that was over, she started protesting to the gods about the rights of man, or in this case woman - Emmeline Pankhurst has nothing on the Indian girls eh.

She was so infuriated that apparently she started dancing (don't ask why, weird girl that) ....the gods being complete and utter luj characters, got infatuated with her and told her: Ask a boon, come on come on ask something from us.

She said: Give my husband's life back, you dickheads

Gods were like, sure (though Indra apparently murmured something like - but she didn't take off any clothes, but couldn't protest much as the whole plethora of goddesses started giving him dirty looks).

Manasa however protested, she said : "no way Jose" etc 

Gods were in trouble, on the 1 hand they had given their words, on the other hand, though immortal, no one wants to get bitten by snakes.

So they formed a committe to look into the matter. (seriously did we Indians have...sigh)

After copious quantities of ambrosia was consumed and heated discussions - apparently there was no accord between the Conservative party led by Brahma and the Neo Liberals led by Ganesha - they finally decided to approach the trader.

They went to the trader and tried to persuade him to worship Manasa.

He said: foock off

The committe was in trouble. Finding no other options, they approached Lord Shiva.

They told him of the matter.

Siva: Its like all cool bro. I will like talk to the fellow whatsisname, don't worry, peace man. Now give me my bong unless you want to get blown into smithscreens.

He promptly forgot everything about it.

After about 4 reminders, he finally sent a message to the trader - Hey man its all cool ROTFL, u can worship Manasa man LMAO, I don't mind. Incidentally, I have heard that they are growing some seriously cool shit over at that place next to that thing which comes after that stuff, you know what I mean. Next time you do them ritual thingies, throw some of that shit in the fire will you. C U L8R

So the trader, while performing puja to Shiva, throws a few flowers to Manasa's idol as well.

Gods: Ah, have accord, we can give back the life.

Manasa: No, I want roses and candlelight and.....

Kartik: If you don't agree now, I will tell dad that your snakes have recently destroyed a few acres of prime farmland where they were growing weed.

Life was given back hurriedly.

Anyway, Meister asked his colleagues whether they knew about any Telugu evil spirit or demon etc. The anser was a blank look and shakes of heads.

Getting no help from that quarter, Meister started thinking (stop sniggering), and within minutes got the answer.

There are indeed a group of creatures who make the Telugus whimper in fear. They all break out in sweat and start muttering prayers to their extensive plethora of gods for protection.

This group of creatures is so vile, so dangerous, so bloodthirsty, so malignant and mortiferous, so savage that they have driven all other demons and evil creatures away from the land.

This group is far far far more dangerous than Al Qaida, Taleban, LeT, Klu Klux Klan, the Thuggies and amateur poets combined.

They can not only destroy your own body and soul but also that of your preceding 17 and succeeding 18 generations.

If you utter their names loudly, not only you, but your family, your clan, your community, your viallge, town, city etc all get cursed.

So whisper the name quietly, and then pray pray pray


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Meister's on a Highway to Nadir

It has been well documented and statistically proven that good things on a sustained basis do not happen to the Meister (unlike bad things on a continuous basis, which has never let go of Meister's hands, legs, bollocks etc)


Whenever something even remotely good happens, it is immediately and almost always inevitably followed by something much worse.


So imagine the Meister's consternation when a succession of goodly things started happening in his life. He gets invited to birthday parties, he gets free ice cream samples, Chelsea wins games emphatically and reaches the very edge of a double. He was definitely on the journey to zenith.

Meister could feel disaster, sadness, misery etc etc looming on the horizon. He could feel it in his blood, nerves, corpuscles, pee, crap etc etc.

And guess what, the journey to nadir started (as predicted, as envisaged)

1. The Spawn of Sauron and a Chupacabra decides to haunt the Meisterplace.


  • Eats part of the Meisterdoor
  • Regularly wakes up Meister in the middle of the night
  • Craps in his apartment
  • Pees in his apartment
  • Pees all over him
  • Eats his bedsheet
  • Eats his Landmark bag
  • Beat up Jimbo
  • Emits noxious dangerous fumes from her arse (if canned, can be classified as an WMD)

 Lets see a typical day

Meister goes to sleep at 130


From 230 she starts scratching the door and whining


Meister wakes up to see whats the matter and opens door, she happily comes and lies down in front of the cooler and withing 5 minutes starts snoring and farting

At 7 in the morning, she starts whining again so Meister wakes up and with bleary eyes takes her out for a walk, she pees and craps a whole bucket, and then comes back


At 845 while Meister is reading the newspaper, she pees and moves while peeing thereby spraying it all over Meister (yes the only creature who moves while peeing)
2. Meister's office decides on a cost cutting exercise where they stop paying salaries to employess
3. Meister's netbanking stops working
4. Meister's hands shake so much that he drops an almost full cup of Barrista cold coffee
5. People start being all condescending and mean
6. People start making fun of the Meister
7. People start lying and insulting his intelligence (stop sniggering)
And all this in the space of only 2-3 days, so you can anticipate whats gonna happen in the coming days can't you
The journey continues, Nadir is in sight,
all of this means that we are gonna lose to Portsmouth and Wigan
P.S. People keep asking the Meister why he doesn't get married.
Well judging by history, he will probably suffer from erectile disfunction, impotency and premature ejaculation and his wife will cheat on him.
So no thanks. The Meisterlife is sad enough already

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dorks through the Ages

Ahh, the dorks, those perennial victims in movies...those outstanding citizens who are the butt of everybody's jokes...the ones who never get the girls in colleges (well unless the dorks are girls, in which case, they never get the hunks)..but who end up being heroes - every single nutter one of them.

We start in distant antiquity...a few years after the species pondered on and eventually voted for its as yet greatest (Special One bound to disagree) career decision - to branch off and to come down from the trees.

You see there was this fat lazy bugger, who hated walking, running, hunting and any other type of exercise so much that he never went out, the neandhertal just stayed in his cave all day fiddling with stuff. he was so anipathic to locomotion that he was forever thinking of something that will carry him with minimum effort - and after a few hiccups and swearings, voila - he got the wheel...bless ye laddie bless ye, ye probably got a girl, but you have made the Meister's life much much much easier.

We Indians have traditionally been uber-lazy asses (a tradition Meister is whole-heartedly upholding). As a result, we have always spoken highly of dorks. Dorks have always been respected and venerated here. And we have had and still continue to hav a massive plethora of dorks....liberally interspaced by complete and utter nerds. We are perhaps the only country in the world where physical prowess is frowned upon. And the biggest dork in our history probably is Aryabhatta. Great man - but total dork.

The man proposed that the earth rotates on an axis. He developed the since, cosine etc and so gave birth to trigonometry (why man why), he did weird things to algebra and that number pi, he more or less accurately calculated the circumference of the planet and the length of the sidereal rotations and sidereal years. He explained eclipses.

But perhaps his greatest achievement, and the one for which he is really famous is the invention of absolutely nothing. Yes people, the legend invented 0. Seriously people, think about how big  dork  person has to be to invent nothingness. As one of the mancient Brahmins, there is a distinct probability that he never went near a woman.

Another legenday dork was that German fella Guttenberg. The fella invented/created the printing press..(though he later bankrupt.....Bible? Bible? come on man, if you want money, fame and readership print either a footy magazine or erotic stories). According to wiki, he never got married either.

Another famous dork has been ole Leonardo. The man is widely thought of as the most diversely talented man in history (well thought of by everybody except the memebers of the Creature Fan Club...who believe Creature to be the most taleneted creature ever).  The man is famous for his paintings of the Last Supper, the Vitruvian Man and Mona Ogg. He also conceptualised a hang glider, a helicopter, a tank, a calculator an automated bobbin winder and a machine for testing the tensile strength of wire. He did lots of research on optics, anatomy etc. But the thing is he never got a girl. What a dork though.

Now we come to ole Sir Isaac. A man so big a dork that instead of spending his free times talking to girls, he used to go and sit below apple trees. A man so legendary a dork that when a neighbourhood rowdy threw an apple at him, instead of throwing it back or eating it, he deveoped the notion of gravity. Suffice to say no girl ever came within a mile of him.

The new generation dorks - Bill Gates, Sergei and Larry have bucked the trend - they got the money, the lespect and the goils, thus fulfilling the ancient Biblical prophesy that the dorks shall inherit the earth.

So here's to ye dorks, ye certainly made the Meister's life much easier.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Heil Meister

Well, the Meister has done it, he has done it people.

Today morning, while coming to office, Meister's bike put up a cease work notice and went to sleep.

Meister was like "wooo mama, now what am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do".

Passerbyes on the road were treated to a spectacle of an elephantine man moving around like a headless chicken.

Then in one of his rare moments of mental lucidity, Meister had the brainwave of calling his mechanic dude. The dude told Meister, "check the fuse".

The Meister was about to ask "what's a fuse?", when in another moment of awe-inspiring inspiration he changed it to "where's the fuse?"

Upon hearing of the location, Meister pulled up his shirtsleeves (not an easy task as he was wearing a half-sleeved shirt), and then unlocked and pulled out his battery (man that was heavy) and unscrewed the fuse.

He then got the replacement fuse and screwed it into the battery (sigh that was possibly the only time in Meister's life where he managed to fit a long thing in a hole and screw anything...poor Meister)

And voila, the thing came back to life.

So, once again the Meister has managed to prove to the world that, despite all evidence to the contrary, and in spite of numerous allegations from the cultural studies hypocrites,

Meister is not a complete waste of oxygen and space.

He rocks.

Epic Fail

Recently, there has been a lot of negative feedback regarding the Meisterblog. And strangely, surprisingly and sadly, its been regarding the Meister's deep dislike and disgust of a certain creature (and its mentor). It seems that said creature has so succesfully managed to brainwash the populace that they see nowt wrong in mollycoddling and supporting said creature. The populace have now taken to spewing forth claims that Meister is unnecessarily harsh on said creature and that Meister will be sued etc.

Said creature hasn't had the balls to say anything (no surprises there); said creature's so-called-mentor tried and was ordered to piss off - these two, by the way have their heads stuck so far up each other's ass that they can only see, smell, hear, taste the world through a pile of deepshit

All that the Meister can say in this matter is that:

1. The PC brigade (or the brigade which has had courage surgically removed from their essence) still hasn't managed to castrate the Meister and never will till his dying breath (coming very soon to a hospital near you). Whatever else the Meister is, he ain't a foocking hypocrite he will say the same thing to someone's face and to his back - unlike most people who will be all lovey dovey and very nice to the face and all bitchy once the back is turned
2. Meister has lost faith in a humanity (yes yes again) which sees fit to support said creature and that they deserve whatever comes their way.

Meister gives up. He expected better from certain people, well he should have known better.

All Meister requests, and requests fervently, is for the populace to leave him alone and to never utter the name of the said creature in his presence. The AP Fan Club can love him, adore him, support him, put him on a throne, put him on their heads, lick his ass - whatever.

Meister doesn't care anymore. Its just an epic failure of humanity.

Rant over.

Now, talking of epic failsures, Meister was recently thinking about what will constitute the Top 10 Epic Fails in History. Here's what he could think of.

1. Inalchuk, governor of Otrar, killing the envoys of (and consequently pissing off) Ghenzis Khan

Way to go dumbass, you are single-handedly resposible for the complete ands utter destruction of your empire and your people....not to mention getting liquid silver poured into your eyes, ears nose etc etc

2. Napolean invading Russia

Invading the Austrians and the Spaniards (seriously everyone beats these 2, they are like the whipping boys of the western world) and invading the Russians - not the same thing eh?

On an aside only 1 group has ever successfully manged to invade Russia and thats those Mongols (who probably considered the Russian winter as springtime).

3. Paris eloping with Helen

The wife of the King of Sparta? When the brother of the said king is the bloody King of Athens and can call upon the King of Ithaca (never mind Achilles).... Seriously??

If love is blind, then someone should have taught this lad Braille. Numbnut

4. Ravana abducting Sita

Well at least Ravana can plead ignorance, he thought he was just abducting some forest dweller. You should have thought with your head, not your balls dude...and oh you should never have listened to Surpanakha

5. Porus using elephants on the river bank against Alexander
Mobility my dear Sir, mobility.
Ok, so he was defending his realm and showed real heroism etc etc but great millitary strategist he ain't. Well can't really blame him. Our (Indian) history is full of brilliant geniuses of battlefield tacticians.
6. Charge of the Light Brigade
Speaking of complete and utter incompetence

7.  Whoever constructed/founded Pompey

Hey look this looks like such a beautiful place. Its just under a foocking volcano, why don't we build a city here

8. The Austrian and French armies, and oh also the Spanish

The Austrians have never won anything. Absolutely nothing. Why they ever bothered to have an army is beyond the Meister.

The Spaniards have created mass genocide when the opposition had bows and arrows etc but have had their asses handed out to them from Francis Drake to Nelson to Napolean right down to Simon Boliver.

The French, oh boy the French, the last and only French winner was that William, Duke of Normandy and that was 1066......they haven't won anything since.
9. Marcus Antonius (can't be arsed to Wiki him and get his full name)
Dude, making speeches are all well and good, but did you seriously have to piss off Octavian by declaring Ceaserion as the heir of Julius? You would think someone would have better sense than to oppose the most popular and powerful man of the empire.
10. Admit it, you thought this was going to be about said creature's parents fucking without protection thereby giving rise to such a disgusting reprehensible waste of oxygen, didn't you?

Nope, no 10 refers to Meister falling in love - it has only led to doom, gloom, misery, heartbreak and all other kinds of sad stuff.  The iconic idiot should have stuck to cake and footy but no like a dynamic dumdum he decided to wade in waters he has been disqualified from.


Well, its not all bad, it has given Meister a reason to look forward to his impending death - he wants to go the afterlife and give the soul of Tennyson the world's biggest wedgie. Better to have Loved and lost Meister's ass.