Suicide

You know that Meister wants to commit suicide don't you? Well, if you didn't know you do. Now Meister knows what you are pondering. You are pondering

Why Meister Why?

Well, let the Meister regale you with the story of a typical day in the Meister's life.

As a lot of things start, this also starts with a dream. People dream and fantasise right? Sometime about love and sex etc also right?

Meister does also. Unfortunately, in the Meister's case, even in his dreams and fantasies, he never gets sex. Other people have sex, Meister gets rejected and shouted at.

So in Meister's case, dreams imitate reality. Sigh

So with a heavy heart, Meister gets up, and the power goes off. Meister goes to office. En route he gets overtaken by all and sundry including a bicycle, a running kid, a lost tortoise and a lazy snail.

He also did get to see 7 - yes thats right 7 - scooters each with 2 females all wearing jackets and sweaters and other assorted paraphernilia. Just for the record it was bloody hot, Meister was sweating despite wearing only a thin cotton shirt and a jeans.

Anyway, he reached office only to find out that it was the last day for tax filing. Consternation etc prevailed. Anyway he had to finish a batch of work all hurriedly and stuff in order to go back home and therein laid another problem.

You know that the Meister moves around in an e-scooter. Well with a top speed of 25 km/hr it is not suited for emergencies. So Meister had to beg his colleagues for the use of their vehicles. From previous experience Meister knew that Mr. V's Honda has a teenie weenie problem - brakes are temeperamental, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. So Meister asked Lil McD for the use of his 2 wheeler.

When it was time for Meister to leave office, the power went off - meaning the lifts stopped working and Meister had to climb down 5 floors worth of stairs. So he went down all tired and wilted and hopped on the vehicle and discovered that

The left brake is more or less a figment of imagination, there are no rear view mirrors and the whole chassis shakes like a skeleton doing the rumba during an earthquake

Suffice to say that Meister's BP went up up and away.

Anyway he managed to reach home without any incident and collapsed once in. So what happens - the power goes off yet again. A hat trick.

Anyway, Meister starts searching for his LIC, ICICI, PROv Fund, Mediclaim et all certificates....and continues searching frantically....scaring MidasDude in the process btw.

After half an hour of frantic searching and destroying his apartment Meister finally found his stuff....and felt so bad that he had to lie down for a few minutes.

By this time his BP had more or less reached the stratosphere.

Anyway, after lying down and calming down etc, he went on the return journey and it was hot. It was so hot that by the time Meister reached office, he had lost about a couple of litres in sweat.

So he goes back to office, submits his papers etc, collapses on his chair............................................

and gets an interview call

Even on a good day, Meister is not a good interviewee, forget a bad day. Meister has no clue what he rambled. Suffice to say the company hasn't called back.

So with a heavier heart et all, Meister gets to work and continues working till its time to leave.

So after finishing a loooooooooooooooooong day, Meister goes to the parking lot and sees that some bastard had again tried to steal his scooter.

So the was tired, sad and pissed off. But hey who cares about the Meister.

Anyway he comes home - after buying some chicken curry from Garden. He thought that rice and chicken curry would be a good dinner.

But, Uber called him up to say she wants to go out for dinner with Hippo and Weirdaccent and asked whether he wants to join them. Meister thinking that it would be somewhere nearby agrees. So he goes to the campus and

somehow someway

his scooter key gets stuck inside the lock.

After an hour of futile pulling and pushing and oiling et all the key came out but the lock broke :-(

So there was no other option than to physically manhandle the scooter to the parking lot and keeping it there. Hippo and Midas helped.

Even then it was almost too much for Meister's wee lil heart. So he sat down and while panting found out that the the assorted intelligentsia wanted to go to Indijoes in foocking Banjara Hills!!!!! Meister was about to say no thank you when thankfully they decided that its too far.

So this is more or less a typical day in the Meistric life. And this goes on over and over and over.....like that groundgog day thingy.

So now you know why he wants to commit suicide.

And guess what? he has found the perfect way how to. All he needs to do is to stop taking his medicines. After 1 day of not taking medicines he becomes a virtual vegetable. After 1 month, death via heart attack is more or less guaranteed.

Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Calamity......

Its over, its over, the Meister's life is over....somebody kill the Meister, kill the Meister now.

The Meister had lost quite a lot of things in life...some he misses desperately, some he doesn't give a foock about.....he had never had quite a few things in life as well. But amongst everything, one thing which he had always had is his beard.

Yes the Meisterbeard - the flowing locks which are a source of intense attraction (not sexual, only sadistic) for a certain Uber and which brought forth gargantuan jealousy from a certain Great Indian Chunkubaaz (him possesing a total of 16 miserable looking stubble)

But alas, like every other part/organ of his body, the beard has started disintegrating also. Yesterday while shampooing his beard, Meister found out, to his heartbreak, that 8 of them have resigned and have come off.

Its the beginning of the end.

But its ok, at least Meister has a girlfriend....oh....ok he has his football...oh hang on.....ok then he has a great job......errr......ok ok he at least has his health...oh crap

As the Meister said - Agony, Armageddon,Anguish, Calamity, Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Devastation, Despair, Desolation, Dibacle, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Ruin, Woe...........

Them Proverbs

Meister was recently thinking about proverbs. Don't ask why. Anyway, while thinking of them proverbs, he realised that quite few of them have become outdated or are simply wrong.

And because the Meister has all the time in the world, he is going to do a commentary on some of them.

A Bird in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush

This always always makes the Meister smile :-)

A good beginning makes a good ending

The Meister is living proof that that is pure bunkum. He has sat through crappy movies and read quite a few crappy books in his time. You people will also probably feel the same way once you rech the end of this blog :-)

A good man is hard to find

Hulloooo, the Meister is right here

A miss is as good as a mile

Doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Meister would have understood had it said a miss is as good as a missus or for those of a feministic inclination - a miss is good as a mister.

He would have even understood had it said - a miss is as good (or even better) as/than a Meister, but a mile. How a mile comes into the picture is just confusing.

Don't cross the bridge till you come to it

How else in hell's name is a person supposed to cross it then? Some of these things are just weird the Meister swears.

Every Jack has his Jill

Should be disqualified for being utterly and pathetically wrong. How is it wrong you ask?

Well Exhibit A - Meister

Fight fire with fire

Meister just hopes that some silly ass have not gone and told the firefighters this. The last time they tried it, this was the result - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Fire_of_London

Flattery will get you nowhere

Whoever came up with this have clearly never worked in an Indian company.

Good things come to those who wait

27 years 11 months and 5 days and still waiting.......

He who laughs last laughs longest

Now this the Meister agrees is often true. But then again, it is true because generally the person concerned is a tube light (you know someone who understands something half an hour after everyone else have undrstood it)

Hard work never did anyone any harm

This is the sort of thing them capitalist bosses or them rich landowners come up with in order to retain their imperialistic hegemony over money.

Off with their heads the Meister says, power to the people the Meister says,

Liberty, Equality etc etc the Meister says

but then again, that means Meister would technically be equal to Ayush Prasad

so, in that case, Status Quo should be maintained the Meister says

It never rains but it pours

Maybe in England or Cherapunji but definitely not in Hyderabad

It's never too late

That suspiciously sounds like Fergie time

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Now this, amongst all the proverbs makes the Meister go bananas. This is a statement of such astounding muppetery, that the Meister is speechless.

Thankfully, this is a blog and so the Meister can still write.

What kind of a sick pathetic inhumane joke is that? What twisted sadistic mind can even conceive of such a thing? Oh, yes that its that tone deaf bourgeois Tennyson....foocking hell man, you should have stuck to all them Lady Shallott, Lotos Eaters and Light Brigade stuff. You have no clue how badly it hurts, mate, falling in love and getting rejected. Be glad Emily didn't reject you.

Of course, Meister is a reasonable man and he will give you the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that you really were talking about your favourite footy team loosing a match, in which case all is forgiven (unless you were a Manure, in which case double curse you)

Less is more

Eh? Its like saying darkness is light, evil is good, Gary foocking Neville is human, Ayush Prasad is smart etc etc

Let the dead bury the dead

How lazy are we as a species???????????

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

6 words - 4 of them redundant. The proverb would have been much more genuine and succint had it stated

Marry - Repent

Never judge a book by its cover

Unless said book is a book written by some Serbian fella with a Polish name (or some Polish fella with a Serbian name...Meister never remembers). Same refutation also applies to all antel books and anything written by Iris Murdoch, Thomas Hardy, Stephanie Mayers or for that matter anything in the Mills and Boons series.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Another one which Meister does not understand. Sound advice though. As in if someone gives you a horse, why look at its mouth?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

May be applicable for some insensitive fellas or some hard nutters, definitely for the Meister.

The child is the father of the man

This just bewilders the Meister. What does this mean? Is it promoting incest or something? Even then, Meister would have thought it physcially impossible for the child to be the father of man. Its too complicated for a simple mind like the Meister's. That psycho fella Freud would have had a field day with it though.

The best things in life are free

Lets see shall we?

Watching footy - not free

Cake - not free

Potatoes - not free

Chocolate - not free

Ice cream - not free

Alcohol - not free

Getting abuse and being shouted at by all and sundry - free

Go figure

The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Now this the Meister wholeheartedly agrees with

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Now who in their right minds would want to catch flies uis beyond the Meister.

What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

Something tells the Meister that the numpty who came up with that was deaf

You can have too much of a good thing

That just does not make any sense at all. Is it saying that too much footy is a bad thing? IS it? Seriously? And before any muppet starts claiming tht the proverb does not say 'cannot' Meister would advice them all to go and check their school grammar to figure out the connotaions of the word 'too'

You can't make bricks without straw

Maybe in the 16th century, not now....some one update this....you can have something like

You can't make coffee without milk

Meister knows that technically you can and that there are some sad deluded numpties who actually drink that stuff, but coffee without milk is Guus-awful that it is better to drink one's own pee...that at least is allegedly good for health.

Two heads are better then one

A mysoginist proverb!! Who would have thunk!! And funnily enough the muppet feminists haven't figured it out yet.

Does the Meister have to spell it out?

Think about it?

Who has two heads?

Men do...one on the top of their neck and the other on the top of their doodah.

This reminds the Meister of that old joke - you know the one about Why are men better thinkers and women better talkers?

Coz men have two heads and women have four lips

There's more than one way to skin a cat and There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream and Give a dog a bad name and hang him

Animal cruelty!!!!! Which sick bastard wants to do that??!!!!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Meister really can't argue with that now can he :-) Although supporting the man's footy club would also help.

There are two sides to every question

Oh yeah? Pray tell the two sides of the question - What is your name?

The only good Indian is a dead Indian

Even the foocking Paki bastards have a proverb of their own!!!!!!!

The husband is always the last to know

The Meister would respectfully and vehemently like to disagree and refute this. It is usually the Meister who is the last to know.

The good die young

Nonsense...Exhibit A - the Meister...he is still alive isn't he?

Only fools and horses work

What about the Meister then? He knows he is not a horse, he has a certificate and everything. So if he is not a horse, does that mean he is a......oh crap

As Depressed as a Drunk Skunk in a Funk

A few of you had recently asked why the Meister had been in a funk lately. Well here goes....

Reasons for Meister's latest bout of dumdumness can be categorised in the following ways.

a. Office

This has to do with el bastardo, Meister's boss. The dynamic dumbass forced the Meister to stay in office till 11 and why? Because His Dastardiness had gone cavorting with some client in the afternoon and evening. That coupled with the attitude that Meister's work is never good enough, even if Meister follows instructions to the inch. In such cases, as he cannot say anything else, he will play the ultimate trump card - client feedback.

b. Health

Meister really doesn't need to say anything about this now does he? The whole of last week, he was suffering despite taking all his medicines dilligently etc etc Also, the lack of sleep had taken a huge toll......by the end of the week, he had run out of fuel as well as reserves....he was tottering around on fumes.

c. Lady Talkslalot

Last weekend, Meister, upon hearing of the existence of custard, had invaded Talksalot's premises, for said custard. In the ensuing conversations, Meister got to know that Talkslaot had a recent hike. Meister demanded a party or rather food. Talksalot said she will. On Tuesday, while chatting, when Meister asked her about time and place, she ran away (virtually of course) and wnt AWOL. Her excuse later was that she didnt see the chat message. She did offer to give him food but the Meister doesn't want pity food.

d. Dreams

Ahhh, Freudian territory.

Meister had a dream, involving You Know Who. Now Meister usually only dreams about football, so this was weird.

In the dream, Meister was going to office in a train (probably MMTS). He was with some unidentifiable friend. All of a sudden he saw You Know Who going into the ladies compartment. He was astounded, astonished, flabbergasted etc etc. He couldn't believe his eyes. He asked his friend did you see her? Is she really there? Whats she doing there?

Imagine Meister's consternation when the friend told Meister that she had married Kirti (don't ask why, no clue why his name came into the procedings...hell at least it wasn't Ayush Prasad.....that would have prompted Meister to drive to the top of the STFLMNDI overbridge, drink a bottle of rat poison, stab himself multiple times with a knife and then jump from the top of the bridge in the path of an incoming train) and had been living in Hyd for the last 1 year. Meister was heartbroken, and so devastated that he woke up.

Now the Meister has rationally (or what goes for rationale in his head anyway) analysed the dream and he has come to this conclusion. Its not the fact that she has married.....just because the Meister can't marry doesn't mean that she shouldn't....Meister is perfectly reconciled to hear about her marriage at any moment of time. What hurt the Meister was the fact that she didn't even tell the Meister...well she didn't really have to, but it would have been nice tho......its as if

i. Meister doesn't matter...which is sad

ii. she doesn't trust the Meister in some ways...which is also sad

e. Ayush Prasad

A lil bit of him is ok, say for 13 seconds...but a whole lot of him just drives the Meister bananas.

3 days of Ayush brings Meister to suicidal or homicidal territory.

What makes it even worse is that he had promised Don Uber that he won't be nasty at Ayush. When Meister makes a promise, he keeps it......but man alive it was harsh...it was easily one of the closest Meister has ever been to breaking a promise.

Meister can't help it. The moment Ayush's mouth opens, Meister itches to kick him in the bollocks.... and this despite the fact that Meister belives and practices that ancient gentleman's code... Thou Shalt not Kick Thy Opponent in the Bollocks

f. Ayush has a girlfriend

In fact he had 1 earlier, now he has another one. James Michal has had gfs, despite him thrashing them. Shray has/had 1. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz had had about 3 dozen. Every Tom, Dick and Son of a Mongoose has, had, will have gf(s).

Noone for the Meister. None. Not even 1. No woman, not 1 woman has ever liked him or loved him enough and is ever likely to (his mother and grandmother don't count).

g. Uber

Uber came up and told the Meister that she is going to make it up to him. Extremely kind of her and all that but Meister is not used to that kinda kindness and it just makes him confused.

It made him think about how he comes off - does he come off as a person who keeps a track, a ledger of favours etc? Its not as if he was helping the kid as the kid is a friend.
He would have done the same or whatever else required for anybody in the world - even Tasneem and Ayush. Honestly. Ok, after his latest revealations, maybe not Ayush.


h. Everyone shouts at the Meister

Everyone. Well almost everone. (In his 28 years of existence, there is just 1 person who has never - Merryaduck Brandybuck, Meister's friend from the age of 3.)

It doesn't matter what Meister does, how he behaves, sooner or later he pisses off and irritates everybody....with the result that they shout at him.
Everytime Meister thinks that ok, maybe this time there won't be a shout.......disappointment every time. It has come to such a situation that he expects to be shouted at every day, any day, any moment. To him it has become a matter of when, not if. Just like a dhobi's gadha who knows the whip is coming, Meister also knows that its coming.

It makes the Meister want to just throw in the towel and just to end it all.

So now you all know. Enough of this type. The regular Meister will be back with a new post in no time.

A Sour Taste in the Mouth

Meister had promised himself that he wouldn't do this...that he wouldn't base himself or degrade himself like this...however unfortunately, being human (yes yes he knows it seems unlikely that a human can be this ugly, but it is true nonetheless, he has a certificate and everything) he is doing it.

So here goes, a post on Ayush Prasad.

Yes, the same Ayush Prasad who burnt his own balls.

And going against his every instinct and fighting his own flesh and blood and nerves et all, Meister will try not to use a single adjective to describe said person.

Last week, there was some extreme bruhaha in campus, by that the Meister means the campus where he spent 2 years of his life. The Jatobsesser got thrashed badly by her boyfriend.....on her birthday nonetheless...poor kid...anyway, as a result entered Ayush Prasad, all paragon of virtue and beacon of morality, in the scene.

Lacking any sense of practicality whatsoever, Ayush naturally started quoting philosophy and lecturing the poor kid. The fact that she should be or might need to be taken to the doctor never entered his mind. Nor the fact that even an ice cube or a hug helps....or even food (yes Meister doesn't care what anyone says, food helps)

So once the lecture started, it continued for 3 continuous foocking days.

Now since Ayush Prasad loves nothing better in life than to talk about himself, every lecture, every moniologue, every discourse soon turned into something about him. And it was when he was talking about himself that he told the Meister that he is against the institution of marriage, how it is this and that etc etc. So Ayush Prasad had decided that he will participate in a novel form of protest against marriage.

So far so good?

Its all about the timing right?

So Ayush Prasad will protest against the institution of marriage while getting married.

So why is he getting married if he is so against the institution? Because he is scared....no this is not something Meister is alleging, this is what Ayush himself declared.

In the Meistric dictionary, there are a few words which are there to describe people like these. You know the sort of people who do not possess the courage to do what they preach.

The word hypocrite comes to mind. Woos is also applicable.

Coward is also highly appropriate.

But hey this is Ayush Prasad right, Meister guesses that while burning his physical balls, he also managed to burn his inner balls.

Another proof of which Meister received when he got to hear that Ayush Prasad himself had, as a proof of his masculinity, beaten up one of his former girlfriends.

Yes people, Ayush Prasad, the great protector of women and women's rights, had beaten up a woman.

However, since the Meister wasnt there when this action took place, he would be more than happy to delet this part of his blog and apologise to Ayush Prasad if he, or any of his friends or philopohers or guides, can prove that he didn't do it.

And he had the temerity to try and justify his actions in front of the Meister.

Anyway people,

do whatever you want Meister doesn't care.

But if you raise your hands on a woman or a child, don't do it in front of the Meister and don't try to justify yourself in front of the Meister.

There is NO JUSTIFICATION for beating up a woman or a child or for that matter anyone who is weaker than you - none whatsoever.

A Plague on your House

You know what, not only on your house, but plague on the houses of all you hold dear.

In case, the readers are wondering, that curse is directed towards some intellectually deprived arsehole who tried to steal the Meister's e-scooter.

So, since you tried to harm the Meister, here's the Meister's curse in return

A plague on the houses of everyone you hold dear

plus

Meister curses that

your penis develop a huge and painful boil, which in turn makes you impotent
your bollocks shrink to the size of peanuts
you get piles and fistchula
all your teeth rot and fall away
you get carbuncles in your armpits
you get ulcer
you get rheumaticsm
you get beaten by 15 cats, 20 dogs, 100 bees, 1 million mosqitoes carrying malaria
you get a new version of swine flu for which there is no medicine yet

your mother run away from your father with a girl 30 years her junior
your sister etc become prostitutes
you get cuckolded by every single man in your locality
you lose everything you own in a property dispute with your cousin

One Wild Night

And before you luj characters start gallivanting at the prospect of hearing about some salacious details, let Meister remind you that this is Meister we are talking about.
So no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, no rock and roll, not even a kiss...
oh hang on a minute, technically there was rock and roll..... on the Meister's computer.


The wild night of Meistric persuasion contains work, more work, some more work, a racist mysoginist boss, power cuts, absence of coffee and the police......and lest the Meister forget, pubic hair straightener (anyone commenting on the spelling will get a look of disdain, you know the sort of look that Meister gets from human beings whenever they see him or the look that antels and assorted intelligentsia of Nutters and Luj Characters University [formerly Central Institute of Nutters and Luj Characters] give the Meister when he claims that he has an IQ of over 130....seriously he does....according to all them tests...but alas noone believes him).


As an aside, talking of the University reminds the Meister about the 4 schools that are present and inhabited by the antels and the intelligentsia


School of Literature - Walking with noses pointed towards the sky and writing crap in such a way that nobody ever understands anything anyway...its been going on for such a long time that neither the teachers nor the students understand anything and have no clue whats being said or written and have found recourse in calling a spade a soil redistribution equipment


School of Linguistics - Admit it dudes, you all wanted to study science, you flunked in either physics or chemistry or maths or stats (or in the Meister's case everything), and studying Linguistics gives an ego massage....at least you are studying some sort of science eh...it also gives an excuse or opportunity to pretend what you are doing is extremely serious


School of Cultural Studies - All hegemonistic upper caste males should be killed...whoever shouts that the loudest gets O grades...that taken care of, everybody can go about doing what they really came to the University for, to whit sleeping around...well for 2 years anyway...and then once course is over, to fall over themselves to get jobs in multinationsl corporations.


School of ELE - Timepass


Well, there are a few weirdos around who seem to genuinely like their subjects etc, plus there are some ubers also, they are excused.


Anyway rant over, to come back to topic


Meister ended up staying and working in office till 11 in the night...no Meister shouldn't tell a lie...it was 10.50 not 11....chi Meister chi....Anyway, at least he got free dinner for his troubles.


At 11, with tottering footsteps and drooping eyelids, Meister started on his electric scooter to go back. Around Secunderabad, a policeman flagged him down - reason breathalyzer.


Yes people, the Meister got his 1st breathalyzer test thingy done. wuhoooo


Naturally, to the intense disappointment of the policeman, it came out zero. However, the eyes of said policeman was a sight to behold, especially when the Meister took off his helmet.

Anyway, after that stimulating sojourn, Meister went to University, and to his intense humour, found it plunjed in darkness. He heard that it had been like that almost the whole day - although the construction site and the shanties had power...go figure.

As there was no power, alas there was no coffee. So, Meister went to the tea shop. He found tea. He also found assorted idiots, assorted dogs (including everybody's favourite stupid bastard Jimbo), and assorted foocking mosquitoes. And he also learnt that there is something in this world called pubic hair straightener, and that it is a perfectly acceptable birthday gift.

Oh, before the Meister forgets, there was also a

fffiiiggghhhhttttttttttttt

Well, the world's most depressing fight, but a fight nonetheless. A couple of East Asian dudes got drunk and slapped some Indian muppet. So, to take revenge, assorted heroes went to their apartment with the intention of beating them up. Unfortunately, their mission was foiled. 2 reasons

1. they got stopped by a female of sumo wrestleresque proportions who flatly refused their plea to enter
2. they found out that the winsome twosome had in fact beaten each other up in a drunken stupor

And oh, how can the Meister finish a post without mentioning what happened early next day.
Succintly put, Meister beyomped his head rather badly. Its the same as bumping your head, but done with style.

Meister had headache all day.

Luj Characters

Meister usually doesn't write this kind of posts, but damn he got depressed (ok ok there's nothing new in that). Ok so does write this kind of posts. Damn.

History has proven, over and over and over, that when it comes to wars and battles and martial glory, we are just not good enough. True, we have won the odd battles, but when it comes to wars we have always lost. The only time we won wars were when we fought ourselves (Ramayana and Mahabharata and Pakistan 1947-)

Whenever we had to fight foreigners, we had been as awful and useless as Suresh Raina on a bouncy wicket, or the Meister at sex, or rather the Meister at anything relating to women. Frankly disgusting and embarassing. Meister means his sex life of course, not our martial endeavours. At least we fought and lost, the Meister was disqualified from sex even before he started.

Anyway all this profound cogitation is a result of a television programme.

There's this new show on tv called Deadliest Warriors. It comes on History Channel. Meister is loving it. The concept is that they will pit 2 of history's greatest warriora against each other in every episode to check who would have emerged victorious. The episodes in the 1st season featured the following...the ones in bold came out as winners.

Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Spartan vs Ninja
Pirate vs Knight
Yakuza vs Mafia
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
William Wallace vs ShakaZulu
IRA vs Taliban

For more info visit
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deadliest_Warrior
http://www.spike.com/show/31082/

Whose big idea was to put a pirate against a knight? Dumbass. The pirate had flintlock and blunderbuss, the knight had a sword. No contest. Also no contest was that Shaolin Monk v the Maori. Come on guys kung fu v wooden clubs etc. Be serious.

The top 2 were kickass contests though. However, the most lopsided contest wasn't any of the abovementioned but involved the Spartan. He kicked the everloving crap out of the ninja. man, the Spartans were good.
The Meister also liked the Talibans getting blown to smithcreens by the IRA and the Green Berets losing to those Russian fellows.

Now, what bugs and depresses the Meister is that there's no Indian warrior anywhere near the horizon. We have no martial race or style to speak of at all. We always lose our wars.

Starting from Porus (who in his infinite wisdom brought elephants to a battle on the river bank.....muppet) and going to Prithviraj Chauhan (who was allegedly dallying with his wife when his kingdom was attacked.....idiot)...not to forget the Rajputs and the Sikhs (who despite being brave, no doubt about that, always always manged to lose to the Muslim invaders)...and the Marathas (who thought using cavalry and artillery in a battle is enough, infantry is so overrated etc etc...and subsequently got a proper bollocking from Wellesley's army [Battle of Assay])...and finally to the Bong rulers (Laxman Sen to be precise).....who ran away from his capital upon seeing 16 men on horseback - who btw were on a purely recon mission.

Seriously, can you see any Indian group, throughout our history, fighting and beating the Spartans or the Mongols or the Romans?

Meister neither.

Even the Indian army lost when they tried to fight the comrades from the east.

They did and still does regularly spank those idiots from the west but that do not count as
a. they are a bunch of idiots
b. irrespective of what anyone says they are absolutely the same as us in every possible way......only stupider

So all this brings the Meister to the conclusion that we are not meant for fighting, we are not warriors.

We are a nation of philosophers, and poets, and lovers.

Or in other words,

We are a nation of luj characters.

A Huge Dick is in Town

Meister isn't talking about Abhey Maurya btw.

He is rather talking about a massive dick which they have erected at the Parade Grounds in Secunderabad. Its supposed to be symbolic of Shiva's penis. If Shiva really had that big a penis, no wonder Paravati stayed with him all that time despite the addiction and the violence. Women, Meister yells you, are all nutters, even the ones of goddy disposition.

Speaking of gods brings the Meister to dogs, and to the Literary Doglover.

Literary Doglover has declared that she does not like watching bird porn. She just makes the videos....aesthetically of course.

Talking of literary stuff, brings the Meister to the Uber.

Don Uber has had an epiphanic revelation of astronomic proportions. It happened a few night ago. Meister was in the Don's room. The Sadistic Jatobsessor was also there. They were all chatting and talking. And then Jatobsessor showed some sadistic clips of a male baby getting torturred and mutilated (in cartoon of course). Don became very agitated on seeeing said clips and in her exuberance she decided to beat up the Meister. So from her chair she decided to fly at the Meister, and unfortunately (extremely fortunately for the Meister) fell off her chair.

As a result of all that activity, she went into a profound cogitative mood and has the aforemention epephanic revelation. She finally realised that both of the Jatobsessor's folks are her parents!!!!

What are the odds eh!!!!

Anyway,

In other news, some silly sick bastard has torn one of Meister's underwear, and a new one also. If the Meister ever finds out who committed this heinous atrocity, he will.....he will....he will catch hold of said person and will put him/her in the same room with Ayush and Tasneem and then lock the door and throw away the key.

Talking of Tasneem, Tasneem was recently seen smoking near Sagar's store.

Not only that, she was heard making allegedly disparaging remarks about a certain professor of EFLU, who always goes around in traditional white clothes. The problem was that the said professor was walking behind her (about 2-3 metres) at the moment of utterance. When she realised the gravity of the situation, she was worried, extremely worried. She didn't know what would happen. She was asking around "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?"

The Meister adviced her to shave off her eyebrows.

p.s. The Meister recently decided that he would delve into the worlds of fiction. He created a plot and wrote a page. It turned out to be so god awful and gut wrentchingy bad, that the Meister fell asleep reading his own stuff. He was thinking of whether to continue when a gorilla came up, bashed the Meister on his head with a spanner and quoth: Nevermore.

That last part might have been a dream though.