Interesting Times

It all started with a puncture. On Saturday morning, Meister had just started for work, when he realised that his rear tire has gone bananas. So he had to keep the Activa back and then walk to the autostand. On reaching the autostand, he was about to get into an auto when he heard some dudes calling him. Upon further investigation, it turned out to be a couple of guys in a car offering to give him a lift. Upon further investigation, it turned out that the Meister knew one of the guys - he is a local autowallah.

So, Meister boarded the car, and to his astonishment found out that it belongs to an MLA. Apparently the driver of the car and the autowallah are good friends and they were going to Begumpet. So, knowing where Meister works, they offered the Meister a lift. Meister, who being a cheapass, never says no to free stuff and thus he came to office in an AC car of an MLA. The minus part was that he had to listen to hindi film songs.

So he went to office, where he found out that there was to be free lunch as a farewell to a dude. What's more, someone mistakenly ordered non-veg food. (The Muppet acting as CEO usually only orders only veg food for office events) And what's even more, there was more food than what people could eat, so Meister got to bring free food home.

And once he reached home, he found out that Liverpool has been thrashed by Portsmouth. And as if that was not enough, later the same night, the Fulham boys thrashed and massacred and pillaged and plundered the foocking Manures. Great day eh?

But you know what, that's still not all.

Sunday, was Midas's birthday. So in the morning, Meister went to the bday party. On the way. he went to Landmark to buy gifts, and lo and behold (and other types of weird expressions which do not make any sense), he found a Chelsea calendar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best Christmas present ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also bought a Stephen Clarke book, a book about Thugees and a book about Attila the Hun. And then he went to the party. And there was cake :-) :-) :-)

After cake cutting et all, everyone went out for lunch and again there was leftovers, so Meister got them as well.

You know what all that means???

It means Meister had loads of food at home.

So what did he do?

He invited his friends over for a night of food and games.

And so Don Violent and Sexy Anutie and MahaBOOB and OCD Man and Resident Bugger all came and they had good food and they played games (where Don Violent tried to cheat at Grand Prix but failed owing to the keen eyes of the Meister and his 100% success rate in that game.)

So you see, it was an uber interesting weekend wasn't it?

And the week was too.

For now, here's only 2 snippets from the week.

On Tuesday, Meister, being a bit of a Muppet, tried to heat his food in a plastic bowl on his electric heater, thereby successfully managing to burn the plastic bowl and conk out the electric heater. (In his defence, how was he to know that a bowl marked Microwave etc is not going to work on a heater??)

On Wednesday, after office, he went with his colleagues to a mess, which serves some really tasty food. What's more, someone else paid for the food. And once he came back home, he got invitation from Sexy Auntie and Don Violent to come over to PerennialyinjuredthungOvung's place where there was, among other things, lots of cake!!!! :-)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Its one of them deep philosophical questions that have mystified people throughout the ages (and have also given them philosophical types something to do during the long winter nights). There is probably no clear and simple answer or solution to this conundrum (more or less on the same way that there are no clear answers to the questions -

Was there Atlantis?

Who built Stonehenge?

What is the purpose behind the existence of houseflies and Ayush Prasad?

Now you all know that Meister is not one of them philosophical types (you know the ones who talk about issues and use words like hegemony, imperialistic, parochial etc etc). Meister, being a man of the world, is more concerned about why the chicken actually crossed the road.

It all happened Saturday morning. Meister was going to office. He has just crossed the Sitafalmandi flyover, when it happened - the chicken crossed the road. The Meister was stuck on one lane of the road, a jeep/Bolero/Sumo was on the other lane. The chicken which was patiently standing on one side of the road suddenly decided to cross to the other side.....and its been bugging the Meister ever since...why did she do it?

Was it to go home?

or

Was it to escape from a patriarchal system dominated by some hegemonistic cock?

And they call the Meister a Chauvinist Mysoginist!!!!

Well, everyone knows that the Meister is a pretty laid back dude. Nothing really disturbs him (apart from Tasneem and cultural studies students hell bent on talking about "issues"). He certainly never gets disturbed about movies. He watches everything.......from Woody Allen to Michael Bay...well not really, he doesn't watch movies with deep philosophical insights which talk about important issues and which are made by Slovenian directors (with names like Polish goalkeepers) and which are favoured by certain "uber antels".

Some reasons the Meister does not see such stuff are that:

• He is certain that being a plebian (despite dictionary.com's insistence of attaching an extra e in the proceedings, Meister is sticking to this spelling) proletariat, he won't understand a single word/scene/issue/deep philosophical insight and the whole movie will go 25 feet over his head like a Bobby Zamora shot or a post-apocalyptic poem involving one armed men, hungry dogs, grass which grows in the dark and lava; at which point all them hoity-toity intellectuals will turn up their noses, look down upon him and start using words like hegemony (Meister always thought that the word meant earning money by designing hedges); at which point of time the Meister's foot will move of its own accord towards the posterial regions of said intellectuals

• As a disciple/acolyte/worshiper of the Invisible Flying Purple Spaghetti Monster, its against his religion to watch such movies. That and eating/drinking coconut oil

Now the Meister was recently taken to a movie called New Moon. Meister knows what you are thinking - you are thinking: Why Meister Why??? Well the reason was that it was a revenge by MS for The Hangover. As she put it like that, Meister really could not refuse (as he has a soft spot for the Code proposed by that fella Hammurabi). So he went.

And he got disturbed, really disturbed.

Its not really the fact that its a bad film. Guus knows Meister has seen enough bad, cringeworthy films in his life (bloody Moulin Rouge comes to mind). But this movie was in a separate stratosphere of badness of its own. The film in itself was mediocre and lame - what got the Meister pissed off was the story.

To get to the bottomline, its a story about a girl who wants to change everything about her (and in the end changes everything) for the love of a boy. It doesn't matter if said boy is a menace/danger to other human beings.

So what do we have as the morals of the story?

1. Girls, if you really love a guy, then go ahead change yourself. Its no biggie if you have to go under the knife and get some plastic surgeries done, its all for a good cause, you have to get the guy don't you? Also, running away from home is perfectly acceptable.

2. Its perfectly ok to commit suicide.

3. Girls - the word independence does not apply to you. You always always must depend on a guy for help, for support, to get you out of trouble etc etc etc.

4. Nice guys always always always finish last.

Stories based on these lovely morals have now become a worldwide hit. What is pathetic really is the fact that apparently sane, educated, adult, independent women who would go apeshit on your ass if you say the same things that these stories are teaching are going gaga over this series. This is actually sickening and the worst form of hypocrisy.

Meister doesn't care what other people like. But whoever likes this series are hereby disqualified from ever uttering the words "male chauvinist" and "sexist" ever again.

Meister has lost all respect for women who actually like this stuff.

To Do

There's this football lingo thingy around. It starts with "To do". It describes some specific actions some specific guy is famous for. For example: "To do a Zamora" means hitting the ball 20 feet above the goal post. So, taking that "to do" thing and putting it to people whom the Meister knows, this is what is there.

To do a Satarupa - add family as friends on facebook / reject vehemently the theory that she is indeed an intellectual / try and find any molecule of intellectuality/deep philosophical insights in Meister's blog posts

To do a Sandy - obsess about LFCs / smoke / destroy the hopes, dreams, aspirations of Champs League finalists

To do a Mithila - disagree with just about everything fat, bald, bearded people say / disappear for months / not pick up phones

To do a Premankur - take your foot and put in into your mouth - repeat ad infinitum / lose all your important stuff on the very 1st day in a new place / eat only soup

To do a Runa - get drunk and start singing old Hindi songs / cheat at Monopoly and other indoor board games

To do a Mythili - get thoroughly drunk/high and then go around claiming to be the only sober person around / take only 1 hour and 55 minutes to get prepared to go out

To do a Mhadeno - get spooked/scared crapless by cartoon ghosts / get high on cranberry juice

To do a Benny - get scandalised about each and every thing on this planet / change football teams every 2 months

To do a Koel - fall off every available surface/place known to man / flirt with bartenders while drunk (allegedly)....also see Jonathan

To do a Jonathan - compete with Jimbo to see who is lazier / flirt with/hug/kiss/dance/get thoroughly excited in the presence of - gay men (despite being straight {allegedly})

To do an Oren - use quilts during summer / go absent after inviting people over / have the most pathetic excuse for a beard...ever

To do an Ipshita - think continuously about something someone said for 8 days and get thoroughly depressed / change mind every fortnight / buy furniture

To do an Avijit - keep having accidents / caary on, just keep having accidents

To do a Krishnayan - buy things from the net / play every free team selecting game known to man

To do a Pallavi - dream about getting married for just about every minute of your life / cheat at Name Place Animal Things

To do a Shahir - lose your way / be RHMs of CEOs

To do a Shailaja - be freakishly enthusiastic about everything / keep calling 1 friend with another friend's name / yawn when a particular friend calls

To do a Minakshi - work everyday of the week / walk out from cinema halls / love the most anti-feminist/sexist/chauvinistic piece of literature written in the last 150 years

To do a Souro - have OCD / write poems to Sirisha / try flirting with pork as subject matter / like, dream, obsess, have a fetish about - trains

To do an Ananya - don't talk to guys / dance at 3 AM

To do an Ayush - burn your balls - figuratively, metaphorically, literally / lose all self-respect or dignity

To do a Tasneem - become a correspondent for every gossip-mongering tabloid journal of this planet / to bitch about anything and everything / backstab

ohh how could the Meister forget

To do a Prashanti - be a selfish, egomaniacal, narcissistic, pampered, spolit slave owner/slave driver

The Eternal Conundrum

or the Horns of a Dilemna if you will

And this is one thing that women never have to face and never will understand

Here's the thing - jockeys or boxers???

This is not about the sportsmen but rather about underwear or more specifically which type of underwear to use. Both have their pros, both have their cons.

With the boxers the problem is that the carrot and onions are never where they are supposed to be, they keep moving this way and that, the advantage being that there's not much pressure.

With the jockeys, everything stays where they are supposed to be like a well disciplined regiment. However, sometimes there is too much pressure on the family jewels (or in the Meister's case the useless pieces of family trinkets of only sentimental value)

In summer its not that big a deal coz well you can always go commando, but in winter, if the weather's chilly, then you need all the protection you can get otherwise the doodahs shrivel up like a frightened tortoise in the middle of a pack of eagles. So, you need to wear something but what to wear - that is the question

Why?

The Meister, having finished his office work after working like a dhobi's gadha continuously for 2 months (due to muppety colleagues, idiotic bosses, moronic clients and the Great Indian Chunkubaaz), had a free day on Tuesday. Well, it was courtesy the Potato, as when the office had called, he had picked up the phone and had told office to foock off and leave them alone for a day.
So, with a free day in hand and noone to talk to apart from the Potato, the Meister soon got bored and started thinking.

An idle mind is Lord Fergie's workshop etc etc.

Well, he thought a lot of football, which he is pretty sure none of the readers want to read about. He also thought of women, which he is sure all the readers are interested about. More specifically, he thought of 2 aspects of women.

Aspect 1- Make up

The Meister had had the misfortune of editing a course on women's makeup recently. It can safely be said that it was the weirdest piece of literature the Meister had ever read. And the most boring (keeping in mind the fact that he has just finished editing a Statistics book). Having only seen the Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion (who as you can realise from the name is a nutter) put on makeup, the Meister was of the idea that its an idiosyncratic thingy. But now after reading about this, and after exposures to Sexy Auntie (food waster) and Lady Frustratedalot (cowdung wearer), he has come to the conclusion that all women are nutters.

Women put on chemicals on their face and body and then they put on more chemicals to remove these chemicals - all of which begs the question why put on the 1st batch of chemicals in the 1st foocking place anyway????

They actually go and pay people to massacre their eyebrows!!! What d foock is up with that!!!!!

They also put boiling hot wax on their legs to remove hair!!! Well, apparently, its not only on their legs, they also go for something called bikini wax. shudder!! horror!!! nightmare!!!!! And what's worse, some luj charcters and disgraces to the XY chromosome also go for that. These are the same luj charcters who probably shave of their chest hair and paint their eyebrows and pu on makeup. All these guys should have one side of a rope tied around their bollocks and the other side of the rope tied to an F1 car, and then the car should go around a circuit for a couple of laps. Metro-foocking-sexuals.

Hot wax on any part of the body is bad enough but the very thought of hot wax near the bollockal region makes the Meister break out in sweats.....this looks like something dreamt up by that Marquis de Sade fella.

Aspect 2 - Ayush Prasad

Now there are many unsolved mysteries in the world - you know like the presence of Nessie, the Loch Ness creature, who built Stonehenge, whether Lord fergie is really the son of the devil, the significance of the letter S in Jughead's shirt etc. Another 1 to add to the list is why women like Ayush Prasad. This is a man (and that's a term loosely used in this case) who has no dignity, no self-respect and no shame. And yet, the ladies like him.

Why? Why? Why? What is the source of attraction?? What is it that gets him all the loving and liking from the ladies while on the other hand the Meister gets saddled with complaints, accusations, snappings and recriminations????

Why?

To the Ladies in my Life

Sorry for taking up your time. Won't take more in the future, this is just a short message.

It seems to me that at some point or the other in 2009 I have pissed off, angered, disappointed, disgusted, disgruntled, scandalised etc almost every woman that I know and regularly interact with. Quite a record eh? Quite a lot of these things happened due to my blog or because of comments that I have made on facebook or while chatting.

Now I know I am not politically correct, but whatever I say or write, I do that in jest. I thought that anyone who even remotely knows me knows that. Clearly I was wrong.

I have tried to never ever deliberately hurt anyone (well though my mother and Mithila would probably disagree....and believe me when I say that I am sorry for all that I have done; they may have forgiven me or forgotten about them but I haven't and never will).

Anyway the point here is that if I have inadvertently offended or hurt anyone, then I apologise. However, I am not going to change my style or my humour for anyone. So there are 2 courses of action from this point onwards that I have decided on.

As of today morning, I have stopped commenting on your posts or statuses on facebook. As far as the blog thing goes, I am deleting you from the mailing list since I do not want you to feel that I am forcing you to read my trash. I will keep on writing the same kind of stuff though. If you want come to the blog and read, if you don't want to read then everything's still hunky dory.

This year has brought me the news of what is wrong with me and I have realised that my life is "literally" too short to go around saying sorry you know. Not only am I tired of saying sorry all the time, I am also just tired of life. The only reason I haven't committed suicide so far (and believe me the temptations have been strong and frequent) is because that would kill my parents and so I am waiting for them to die before I do.

In the meantime, I will live each day as it comes, I will try to enjoy football and food and books etc. And I will write because it makes me smile.

I wish you all a happy life and all the best with all your endeavours.

Bishwaksen Bandyopadhyay