EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW - on more levels than one

The last fortnight in the Meister's life has been pretty damn incredible. So many things happened.

The least of it is that the Meister has become the proud possessor of a geriatric back.

How you ask?

Well ........

1. It is a result of a thrashing that the Meister got in the hands of a certain someone when Meister called her a bourgeois.......which proves that the oppression of the proletariat class continues.


2. Meister was forced to walk for 2 hours..while wearing wrong shoes


3. Meister had to run after (ok that's stretching it a lot) waddle after dogs all day for a day

(only 1 of the above is in the realms of fiction, the others aren't, you be the judge)

Meister walked for 2 hours. Meister's back decided enough is enough and decided to shut down the workshop. Result - incredible pain. (on the bonus side - painkillers...yeaaahhh)

In addition to this,

last Monday, he had to walk around all day keeping track of the dogs getting vaccinated. Yes, it was the annual Sitafalmandi Dog Camp organised by Blue Cross in colab with the Sandman. This year was a success - 138 dogs, 5 cats, 2 black sheep, 1 goat and 1 rooster got vaccinated on that day.

And the Meister was there, waddling and limping around like a geriatric suffering from both rheumatism and hydrocil at the same time.

Meister has no idea whether he was of any help whatsoever in the day's proceedeings. He thinks he wasn't. But at least he was there.

And because he was there, he got peed on his face by a dog.

Ok people, come on, you can do it, take a deep breath and say out loud -

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

Stupid dog

As you can probably make out, the Sandman had come and was here for a week. They spent some qulity time together (despite 213 questions during The Dark Knight...typical samples include Is Harvey Dent Batman? Is Joker the villain? How did Gordon come back to life? He was dead wasn't he?)

Anyway as a gift Sandman brought a Chelsea calendar. Unfortunately Meister had already bought that a month back. On his part, Meister had bought a book on Arsenal as a gift to Sandman. As it turned out, Sandman already had that book.

Aaahhh Meister's life. Everyday is an adventure.

And then the Sandman (unintentionally of course) destroyed, annihilated etc the Meisterplan.

For those not in the loop, the Meisterplan involved retiring at age 45 and going and working with the animal shelter to be built by the Sandman. Unfortunately, he is not building a shelter per se.

So, ambitions, hopes, plans for the future etc all dashed. If it had happened to anyone else it would have been quite sad. As this is the Meister here, its not sad. Instead its a clear case of





EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

So its time to review, revamp, rethink and redraw the Meisterplan. The age limit still stands though.

In other news, the Sandman also somehow managed to massacre the charger of Meister's electric scooter. It involed him driving away to glory while the charger wire was still plugged in and after the ensuing snap, etc, putting in the wrong wires at the wrong sockets.

Finally,

in other news, the Sadistic Jatobsessor got highly enthu about the existence of kittens and with vim, vigour, determination and etc, she decided to adopt one. She did. The next issue was naming it. All of the Meister's suggestions - Linkovitch Chamosky, Medulla Oblongata, Merryaduck Brandebuck etc were rejected.

Finally, after much deliberation and negotiation, it was decided that henceforth the kitten shall be called

EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW

Oh, one more thing

Meister has realised that he cannot depend on other people to help him in fulfilling his dreams. Nobody can actually. So its all upto him and his stomach now. Meister has decided that the only thing which he realistically can do is becoming the fattest man alive. That is Meister's new dream.

One mooooooorrrrr thing

Hearing about Meister's condition, SS bought him a hot water bottle (how nice of her). Meister used it. The pain in the relevant area lessened quite a bit.

Now his upper back and shoulder blades are hurting.

Short Shower of Shit

Well, the Meister went to see his friends, Romans, countrymen and kindred spirits. Or in other words, he went to the zoo.

He wasn't alone - Don "Uber Antel" Violent was there, as was the Literary Dog Lover and Tasneem. They had all booked a car for the day and onwards they went. Nothing special happened in the journey. However, Meister got to know of 2 things

1. He got a dinner invitation from Heavyweight Bonglover


2. He came to know of the heinous and nefarious plan hatched by the Great Indian Chunkubaaz (the plotter), The Hustler formerly known as Boobs (the instigator) and Don Violent (the executioner) to throw the Meister into the crocodile pond.

It took all of Meister's persuasive and argumentative powers to convince them, or rather Don Violent, that throwing Meister into the crocodile pond is not a good idea. Not for any considerations for the Meister mind - it is already an established fact that he is a big ass waste of space and as such killing him will be considered as social service - but for considerations for the crocodiles. Meister falling on 1 of them would definitely harm the said creature. Plus eating Meister will definitely make them fall sick. So overall, it would definitely be considered as cruelty to crocodiles.

Anyway, apart from that terrifying life threatening event, the Meister more or less enjoyed the trip. He liked his ancestors (the future rulers of the planet btw), they all showed Tasneem their arse, so that was fun. He also liked the fact that the chimp politely asked them to sod off.

He had an awesome time beside the hippo enclosure also...not least because Tasneem, true to form, abused a hippo, who, hearing the comment, just turned around, showed its significant sized ass to Tasneem, raised its tail and crapped and vigorously moved the tail resulting in a short shower of shit.

But thats not all, the main surprise of the day came when they were looking at the birds.

Literary Doglover professed and confessed that she watches bird porn.

Yes, bird porn..as in two birds doing the stuff...she even films them.

They are Still at It

Well, he has done it. He has finally done it. The Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion has gone and cut his hand.

How you ask?

Ok, the Meister will tell you. One of the Nutters' neighbours has a coconut tree. So said neighbour had a stock clearance kinda thing, he got all the coconuts down, and distributed them in the neighbourhood. So, naturally, Esteemed Nutter went and bugged him for free coconuts. After extreme bugging, he came back with 4 coconuts.

So far so good?

Esteemed Nutterthen decided to cut/peel the coconuts. So he got out the sickle kinda thingy, which is older than the Meister btw, lifted it up and smartly and with much vim and vigour ninja chopped it down on his finger.

Cue - in the words of Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion - gallons of blood.

Anyway, this gave her a perfect opportunity to have fun- she kept on scaring Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion about titanus and gangrene and amputation etc etc. After constant predictions of doom and gloom, Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion finally went and got the wound cleaned and dressed etc etc.

Suffice to say that he wasn't happy. In fact, he was waiting for an opportunity for revenge so to speak; an opportunity which he got a couple of days later when he went to his college.

Well, seeing him going around with a big ass bandage, his colleagues naturally asked him whats the matter. Here's how the scene went.....

Assorted Colleagues: What happened?
ENPP: You won't belive it
AC: No, seriously, what happened? Did you cut your finger? How?
ENPP: If I tell the truth, you won't belive me. You will say that I am joking around.
AC: Nono, why wouldn't we belive you? We will, we will, please tell us.
ENPP: Ok, here goes. You remember the weather last weekend?
AC: Yeah, it was very cold
ENPP: Exactly, so I asked my wife to make me some pithas
AC: Yeah, so?
ENPP: So, she refused saying she is too old and tired to do such stuff anymore.
AC: Ok.....
ENPP: So, I told her that she should get me married to a much younger woman who will cook what I want. Hearing that she went apeship and attacked me with a knife. I cut myself while trying to save my life.

Pin drop silence in college staff room

Anyway, ever since the youngsters have been looking at Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion with fear in their eyes, and the oldies and friends have been asking her in staff room, college corridors etc: "Dude, what really happened? Is it the truth? Did you really attack him?" etc etc.

Well, they have been doing this for more than 35 years now and are pretty expert at it. So with joy de vivre et all, they suddenly decided to go to Sunderbans (Meister's brief visit to the zoo - details in the next blog - might have given them the inspiration). So they went, ate crabs, bugged the crap out of numerous wild fowls and birds, deers, boars and alligators (the tigers had run away upon hearing of their impending arrival) and generally spent 2 wonderful days (idyllic existence only shattered by Meister's phone call and deeply philosophical question about why Bongs get gas)

Nutters' Day Out

The Nutters went out.

Well, tbh, they usually go out quite a lot, and they have been going out for about 35 years now. They started off way back in a different millennium altogether by going out - possibly by doing that ancient and noble tradition of bunking college. In those bygone days, they allegedly (Meister wasn't around those days, so ain't sure what actually used to happen) used to go and sit on the banks of the river Hooghly, coo silly lovey dovey stuff into each other's ears and eat nuts. But lately, their outings have been either homework related or for their "shrutinatok". This time it was for a different purpose altogether.

Meister had bought them tickets to 3D Avatar. So, they went to see 3D Avatar.

And once they reached the theatre, they completely astonished, astounded, flabbergasted and gobsmacked the Meister by buying one of those big buckets of popcorn!!!!!

After finishing the movie, they decided to window shop. So they started walking all over the mall and saw their niece, Meister's cousin (the nutter who is upholding the family traditions by doing a Phd in Physiology and going around with a probable future significant other) walking around with her boyfriend.

A normal person might have just walked away to spare the poor girl the embarassment. However, being parents of the Meister's parents, normalcy is not a word you can easily associate with the Nutters. Hence, with every possible sign of enjoyment they descended on the poor kids. As a result, the niece got embarassed and scared that the Nutters will tell her parents; the dude accompanying her just got scared and tried to hide. Well, the Nutters being vehement and hardcore supporters of love marriages et all, they soon reassured the kids that they are not going to tell the parents. So like a herd of water buffaloes leaving the field after a particularly heavy lunch in its path of destruction, they left, leaving the 2 kids exhausted and limp with relief.

Now, the Estemmed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion was extremely happy upon seeing the 2 kids - not because of any pure motives but because apparently the guy is ugly. Meister knows what you are thinking - you are thinking wtf!!! Well, the story goes that apparently Meister's aunt is a bit of a snob when it comes to looks (no idea why, she is no Monica Belluci, forget that, she isn't even a Rosie o'Donell). She apparently comments a lot during weddings et all about other people's looks. So, Esteemed Nutter is happy that now the aunt's own prospective son-in-law has turned out to be ugly as well. Something about pot kettle etc.

What is ironic is that in her youthful exuberance, the Esteemed Nutter quite clearly forgot about the looks of her own son. Meister is easily one of the ugliest persons in history. For all those who have not seen the meister, imagine a mixture of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Gerald Butler. Now picturise the exact anithesis of that lot. That's the Meister.

If there ever was a competition for the world's ugliest creature, Meister would in all probablity finish 4th (being a hardcore, certifiable loser, he will naturally not finish in the top 3) behind the Orcs of Mordor/Isengrad, this creature - http://www.goth-panda.co.uk/2007/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/ugliest-dog3.jpg, and Wayne Rooney.

At least the bf of the cousin, despite being ugly, have managed to get himself a girlfriend (though he is to be pitied really, he knows not which family he is attaching himself to). Forget reality or fantasy, girls don't want to mate with the Meister even in their slips of tongue.

Poor Meister, he will die a virgin.

Anyway, the Nutters then decided that they needed sustenance. So what do they do. They decidd to board a private bus (despite having a car btw) and go to a restaurant about 8 - 10 kms away. There they had Chicken Biriyani, Chicken Tandoori and Chicken Bhortha (no clue what that is).

Then they decided that they are tired with all the exertions, so they went home.