Monday, March 30, 2009

What Dreams May Come

The Meister dreams of the Special One, goes without saying. So that is definitely not the topic of this post. Another thing which the Meister dreams of, both while asleep and during hours awake, (especially during office hours) is the state and future of the Blues.

Guus is not staying. So we need a new manager. Everybody keeps talking about Ancelotti and Rijkard. The Meister is of the opinion that instead of them, we need someone young and fiercely committed to the club. Who better than Zola!!! The added bonus is that we would get back Steve Clarke as well, and make no mistake about it people, Steve Clarke is the one who was responsible to a great extent for turning Stamford Bridge into a fortress.

The Meister recently saw an article about the wages of players and quite a few of the very highly paid ones are in Chelsea. Suffice to say that it is a big ass strain on the balance sheets.

Some of these players are definitely not worth the moolah. 

The team has has beens like Ballack and Deco. They are just too slow now for the EPL. Deco's contribution this season has been more or less zilch. Ballack has played almost every match and has run around a lot, passed, tackled etc. The thing is that any ordinary player can do all these. Paying a superstar a huge amount for this is not worth it. So, next season we need to get rid of them. We can retain Ballack only if he takes a significant substantial paycut. 

Next comes the prima-donnas - Drogba, Anelka and Ashley. There are no disputing their class but they increasingly look like bad influences and petulant and spoilt. The Meister thinks that their game is definitely on the wane. So get rid of them. All 3 should fetch a high price in the market. 

Next we come to the never wills - Malouda, Ivanovic, Ferreira and Kalou. They are simply not good enough for the EPL. Sell them. 

So that's around 8 players who should be off-loaded. Alex is a borderline case. He is good no doubt but not happy playing 3rd fiddle behind Terry and Carvalho. The matter should be discussed and a decision taken.

If we do all of these, then we should have some substantial amount of money to spend on new recruits. 

But who to buy?

Well, let's start with the defence. 

Terry, Carvalho and Bosingwa pick themselves. That leaves left-back. Who better than Phillipe Lahm. The guy has a good defensive intuition, is very fast and has a brilliant attacking flair and crossing abilities. The guy can score as well. He would be perfect to play off Joe Cole while attacking. 

Belleti is the kind of player who seems to be able to play as defensive midfield, right back or left back depending on the situation. Mancienne can also play as right back. So, that's the sub defenders for the flanks. Now we need sub central defenders. If Alex stays fine, even then we need another option. If he doesn't then we definitely need another as carvalho and Terry seem to get injured quite frequently. Essien can play as centre back but not against the really top teams.

Phil Jagielka is the defender of the season as far as the Meister is concerned. However, he might not agree to play as a sub. He can play as a defensive midfielder as well. he can be enticed with money and with the opportunity to play in Champ League. 
If he doesn't agree, then Curties Davies of Villa, Hangeland of Fulham, Upson of West Ham or Figuera of Wigan are also good options. The advantage of these players is that they have already played seasons in the EPl and have proved themselves to be quite good.

Now we come to the midfield. We have Lampard and Essien, both of whom quite simply have to play. So does Joe Cole. Now the decision is whether to play Essien as defensive midfield or attacking midfield. If he is defensive midfield, then we need another attacker, otherwise we need a defensive midfield. That purpose can be served by Mikel or Belleti or if Jagielka comes Jagielka. 

Now if Essien is playing defensive midfield then Lampard up front and Joe Cole on one of the wings are okay. We need someone for the other wing or someone to support Lampard. Queresema is still an enigma. who knows how he will end up. 

From the other leagues it looks like Ribery and David Silva will be in the market. Any of them will be a great catch. 
If we look at the English scene, then it looks like Xavi Alonso might be available if Barry goes to Liverpool. Also David Bentley is certain to be available. He needs a kick up the backside otherwise he is very talented. Antonio Valencia from Wigan is a good option. So is James Milner from Villa. 
On an outside, if Rafael Van der Vart really wants to come, he might be a good catch. Tugay Stuart Downing, Guiterrez, Rory Delap, Geovanni are also cheap options esp since any of their clubs might go down. 

That brings us to the front. We need fresh blood, we need young hungry, talented players. 2 such players who will be available in the market come summer are David Villa and Lucas Podolski. Both are young, fast and immensely talented. If Chelsea can buy both it would be great. 
If we can get only one of them, or even otherwise we need a backup or 2. 

Franco di Santo and Ben Sahar need to get more chances and can be used in league and cup games. But for the really big matches, another experienced player might be needed. James Beattie come to mind. If Newcastle goes down, then Michael Owen is also a distinct possiblity.


All this is just hope and speculation. Who knows what will happen. Judging by past performances, we might again end up with duds. But hell a guy can dream.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Curious Case of the Meister

The Meister has been poked, prodded, patted and gelled over the last 7 days or so. 

The Meister had chest pain, intense chest pain. So the Meister went to Yashoda. to get one of them ECG thingies done. He paid, he went and entered the room, took off his hirt and then...horror...a dude actually took a tube of gel and put great big dollops all over the Meister's chest!!!! Which brings the Meister to that all important question - what the hell do they do with women???
At least the dude, was ..well...a dude. What followed was ignominy.

The meister went to a cardiologist wit hhis ECG who asked him to get 2D Echo and TMT done. 

The Meister had to get a TMT done...that's a tread mill test people. For that, the Meister had to take off his shirt again, and this time, a girl put stickers with wires all over his chest. And then the Meister had to walk, and walk, and walk. The girl, who the Meister strongly suspects just wanted to see a bare-chested Meister in action kept on increasing the pace of the damn machine...even when a panting Meister ordered her to "stop this infenal machine at once woman"...or something like that. 
The Meister was very soon panting like a Saint Bernard in Sahara. But if there's one thing that the Meister does not do, its quitting in front of a girl. So the Meister walked and walked untill the damn course was complete. And then, the sadist lady, pulled...actually pulled... the stickers off of Meister's chest, thereby pulling off quite a few of his hairs as well!!!!!!!!!DAMNATION!!!!!

BTW, The Meister was stuck in a long line of septi and octogen....er...octogeranium...no that can't be right...anyway 70 and 80 year olds....and to his intense mortification he did not have the best body of the lot....quite a few of the antique pieces looked spriter han him!!!!

Anyway, after the tests, the Meister again went back to the cardio doc, and the diagnosis is that his left fucking ventricle in his fucking heart has fucking shrunk!!!!! What the Fuck!!!!!

The Meister has to take medicines everyday for the rest of his life now, just to stay alive....stupid heart.

Well at least one good thing has come from this and that's the fact that the Meister does not have to do anything to commit suicide, all he needs to do is to stop taking his medicines and he will have a stroke and will die...ahhh happy days.


Talking of happy days..........

The Special One actually wrote a letter apologising!!!!!!!! Who would have believed it!!!! She actually apologised to the Meister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW

That's not all......the Manures got thrashed by Liverpool and then by...tears of laughter....Fulham.....hahahaha Fulham. In the process the thug got redcarded, as did Shrek. The Glasgow Beetroot started spewing bullshit and the Gelled Hermaphrodite started sulking and pouting about like a...well..like a hermaphrodite.

The Great Indian Chunkubaaz has become worried sick about his job as apparently and allegedly his company is going down. So the resident moneysnob has eaten humbple pie!!

To cap it all up, the meister's boss started t osmile at him...and mother of all surprises......actually mailed him saying Good Job!!!!!!!!!!

Well the Meister deserves it, after finishing 12 chapters containing around 250 slides in just 4 days....KICKASS

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

88 Truths

The Meister go this from Rajtilak Bhattacharya, a friend of Wasted and Touched.



LAST:

1. Last beverage → Maaza.

2. Last phone call → Mum.

3. Last text message → From the Special One.

4. Last song you listened to → By Myself Linkin Park

5. Last time you cried → The Day Special One said that she was hurt



SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice → Never dated anyone

7. Been cheated on → Need to be in a relationship first

8. Kissed someone & regretted it → No.

9. Lost someone special → Yes.

10. Been depressed → Yes, all the time.

11. Been drunk and threw up → Never.



HAVE YOU:

12. Made new friends → Yes.

13. Fallen out of love → No.

14. Laughed until you cried → Regularly.

15. Met someone who changed you → Yes, the Special One.

16. Found out who your true friends were → Yes.

17. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes.

18. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → No.

19. Made the first Move → Yes.

20. Do you have any pets → Not at present.

21. Do you want to change your name → No, it's brilliant.

22. What did you do for your last birthday → Spent it with my parents.

23. What time did you wake up today → 7 AM.

24. What were you doing at midnight last night → Reading.

25. Name something you CANNOT wait for → To meet the Special One again.

26. Last time you saw your father → 16th March 2009

27. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Dozens of things.

28. Most visited webpage → http://www.bbc.co.uk/

29. What's your name → Bishwaksen.

30. Nicknames → Toongtaang, Shockmeister.

31. Zodiac sign → Piesces.

32. Male or female or transgendered → Male.

33. Elementary → Nava Nalanda.

34. Schools → Nava Nalanda.

35. Colleges → Asutosh College, CIEFL.

36. Hair color → What hair?

37. Long or short → Long.

38. Height → 5'4”.

39. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes, the Special One.

40. Ever been in love → I am in love with the Special One.

41. Piercings → Had one.

42. Tattoos → No.

43. Righty or lefty → Righty.



FIRSTS :

44. First piercing → Left ear.

45. First best friends → Anindya Bera.

46. First sport you joined → Football.

47. First pet → Brownie.

48. First vacation → Don't remember.

49. First concert → None so far.

50. First crush → A college mate.

51. Eating → I am a big foodie.

52. Drinking → Parties.

53. I'm about to → Have lunch.

54. Listening to → Crazy by Seal


YOUR FUTURE :

55. Want kids → Not really.

56. Want to get married → Only if the bride is the Special One, otherwise no.

57. Careers in mind → Archeologist.

58. Lips or eyes → Eyes.

59. Hugs or kisses → Hugs only in the football field, kisses only from the Special One.

60. Shorter or taller → Doesn't matter.

61. Older or Younger → Older.

62. Romantic or spontaneous → Neither, pragmatic.

63. Nice stomach or nice arms → For girls - nice boobs and ass.

64. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive.

65. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship.

67. Trouble maker or hesitant → Neither, observer.



HAVE YOU EVER :

68. Kissed a stranger → No.

69. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes.

70. Sex on first date → No dates ever.

71. Broken someone's heart → Don't know, don't think so.

72. Had your own heart broken → Yes.

73. Been arrested → No.

74. Turned someone down → Yes.

75. Cried when someone died → No.

76. Liked a friend that is a girl → Yes.



DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. Yourself → Of course not.

78. Miracles → Happens only in fiction.

79. Love at first sight → Only for fools. It can't be love, it's lust. How can you love someone without knowing him/her?

80. Heaven → Don't believe in it.

81. Santa Clause → Nothing in life is free.

82. Peace in this lifetime → As long as Pakistan is there, not possible.

83. Kissing on the first date → Who cares!!!

84. Angels → Don't need them.

85. Is there one person you want to be with right now → Yes. The Special One.

86. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time in the past → Never even had one.

87. You will die Young → Yes, my heart is doomed.

88. You will end with the one you love and learn to love the one you are with → I would always love the Special One. I can't be with anyone else. Unfortunately she does not love me. So there's no happy ending for me.

Stolen from Wasted

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yeah, the god Vishnu
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Saturday, when Liverpool thrashed ManU...tears of joy
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Hell no.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. Don't want any, they bug me.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hell yeah, I am fun.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
All the time.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Want to but notsure whenther they will allow me to coz of my heart
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Kellogs Chocos
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Never. Too fat for that.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Choco chips.
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If it's a boy, then I only notice him if he has anything remarkable. If it's a girl, then her boobs.
14. RED OR PINK?
ewww......grossssss................black or grey
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My penis.
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My parents.
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Doesn't really matter what I like does it?.
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Someone just sneezed. Apart frpm that the continuos honking of horns that Hyderabadis resort to and the continuous flow of bullshit that is coming out of my boss's mouth.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Black.
21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Old books.
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mum
23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
No one sent it. I stole it from Wasted. I like her a lot.
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football.
25. HAIR COLOR?
What hair???
26. EYE COLOR?
Black.
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope.
28. FAVORITE FOOD?
Chicken, potatoes, ice-cream, poshto
29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Taken.
30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Very Dark Grey
31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
In Hydeabad, we get 2 seasons - hot and very hot.
32. HUGS OR KISSES?
Nobody kisses me. Hugs on a football field is ok.
33. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Fuck off.
34. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
When are you getting married?
35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Just finished The Secret Garden. Now reading Alistair Maclean's Red Alert.
36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Don't have one in office. At home, I use Howard Stern's book.
37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Heroes and CSI.
38. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Music and sounds from a football ground.
39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.
40. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Karnataka.
41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, I can piss-off people very easily.
42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital in Kolkata.
43. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
She was my best friend in CIEFL.

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Meister is Pissed

Majorly, majorly pissed. As pissed as a grizzly bear whose hibernation has been disturbed.

Well ,the cry has gone out. The intelligentsia is worried. They are holding meeting to discuss the issue.
So, what are the issues? What heinous activities did human beings perform to make such a simple, calm, cool and collected individual like the Meister to lose his calm.

Well, here are the issues....
The Special One has started misbehaving with the Meister once again. She has not been replying to the Meister's messages for 2 weeks now, she has not replied to Meister's mail, she hasn't scrapped, she did not even wish the Meister on his birthday. All this after she herself sent a friend request on Facebook! The Meister is frankly getting tired of the way she is treating him. Last night, the Meister sw that she was online. He pinged her saying hi. Despite being online for the next 40-45 minutes, she did not respond and then logged off. She has been doing this for a couple of months now. Earlier her excuse was that she was busy as she was involved in the launch of a new website. The site was launched last month btw. The Meister's issue is this...if you don't want to talk to the Meister that's fine,
a) don't pretend then that you care and
b) have the decency and common courtesy to inform the Meister about that

Talking of informing the Meister, the numbnuts at Vodafone dectivated his pre-paid connection without informing the Meister. Apparently, this is the procedure for transferring from pre-paid to post-paid. The idiots never told this to the Meister and today morning at 9, all of a sudden Meister saw that his phone was saying that the SIM Registration has failed. The Meister changed the Pre-Paid Sim to the Post-Paid one, but the message was the same.

All this on the day the Meister had an interview (which he could not attend) and his parents were flying home.
Anyway, all angry and uber-pissed, the Meister went to the Vodafone office at Begumpet, where the security guard politely told the Meister that they are only going to open at 10.30. So, the Meister waited and waited and read a story book. So finally it was open, the Meister got in, the Meister explained problem, the Meister was sent to a post-paid table where a certain Ms. Haripriya (who has some..well technically only 2.... huge-ass boobs, which has got nothing to do with anything, just felt like saying it) was asigned the task to deal with him. The Meister was still uber-pissed, but since he was brought up as a gentleman, he politely but firmly explained the problem again and asked her to fix it. The lady claimed that Meister's SIM will egt activated within 6 hours. The Meister was adamant, 6 hours is not good enough. He was firm in his stand and refused to budge. She had to send a couple of ASAP mails to the techno geeks somewhere, as a result of which Meister's SIM got activated within 3 hours.

The final thing which pissed off the Meister is his chest pains, which returned after a hiatues of 1.5 days. In fact now, it is a different version of the pain.

Damn!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Meister's Birthday Wish List

Disclaimer: Benny, Wasted, Touch, Invisible, Effervescence, Ugly and any other girl, woman, female etc, The Meister is declaring up front that this post will contain references to certain things which you lot may feel uncomfortable about. So, you may want to skip this post. Seriously. Now, if you do go on and read this damn thing despite the warning, then

a. Don't judge the Meister (he is only human.....well mostly human anyway......to be precise half human....he is a half-man half-wus.....like a mutant...u can call him "mus")

b. Don't blame the Meister

So here goes....
Yes, it is that time of the year again. Another year has gone by and the Meister still has not died. But, there is hope. The way the Meister's Cardiac organs are functioning, this might very well be the Meister's last year on the doomed planet. So, with that in mind, the Meister wants quite a few things, which he otherwise he would not have.

1) He wants to see the Special One one last time...........unfortunately in view of the hatred that the Special One has for the Meister, chances are that this is something that will never happen

2) The Meister wants to see a naked woman.....in real life, not on the computer....only see, not to have sex or anything mainly because of Meister's physiological (conked out heart) and psychological tactile issues....he has problems with people touching him....(in fact the Special One is the only one with whom he can even consider or dream about having sex)...plus the fact that since most other organs in his body malfunction, chances are that his penis and bollocks will also, chances are that Meister will suffer from impotency, erectile disfunction and premature ejaculation, all of them.

Now, there are problems in this scenario as well...
there are 2 ways that a guy can see a naked girl
a) he can see his girlfriend, fiancee, wife
b) he can see callgirls and prostitutes

In the Meister's case both are impossible.
a) No woman will be nuts enough to marry him or be in a relationship with him

b) Getting a callgirl is not only out of the question, it is out of the syllabus....its just something that the Meister can ever do...period.....

So, since both options are barred, it seems that another one of the Meister's wishes will remain unfulfilled.

3) The Meister wants to see the team of thugs, Shrek and hermaphrodites coached by the Glasgow Beetroot get mauled, massacred, humbled etc. Them winning 5 trophies in a year is just evil. So, it is the duty of every self-respecting human being in this planet to try and ensure that this does not take place. The men in charge, mankind's only hope so to speaker is not that Whiner from North London nor the Harakiri champion from Merseyside but a stone-faced Dutchamn in West , a flamboyant German in Munich and a Spaniard from Barcelona. Come on guys "VAMOS"

4) The Meister wants to make his parents proud of him.....this invariably entails something to do with education and degrees etc.......the Meister is confused about what to do in this matter....and so it seems that this wish will also remain unfulfilled

5) The Meister wants to work with animals - full-time.......but the options and organizations are not there..:-(

So, 4 out of 5 wishes are going to remain unfulfilled, the other 1 is totally unpredictable.
So, it is more or less certain that once the Meister dies, he is goona remain in the doomed planet - --- as a damned GHOST

Thursday, March 12, 2009

SMS - Save Meister's Soul

The cry has gone up in the streets, the malls, the clubs and the playgrounds-----The Meister is under attack......Who - you are probably asking - can do such a heinous devilish thing??...threatening a sweet, innocent, harmless, lovable doofus like the Meister....what is the world coming to!!!!!!!

Well, when someone as pure as the falling snow.....the Meister that is...gets threatened with physical violence of the most terrible kind.....you can only say that democarcy and innocence are dead......its the rule - or rather to be precise - misrule of anarchy!!!!

Here's what happened....The Meister in all innocence was bantering about bourgeois and proletariats, when the eruption took place.....just because the Meister said that the girl concerned cannot be a proletariat cause she is hot (as good a reason as any).  

Krakatoa erupted, threats of irreperable damage were issued....

Poor Meister has been terrified ever since. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

In Gus we Trust

Yep, we do.

The stone-faced assasin has changed the Blues from a team of namby pambies to what they were during the Mourinho era - fighters, grinders, winners.

The Meister does not know what Big Phil's idea or vision regarding the team was (true the injuries to Joe Cole, Essien and Carvalho did not help) but we sucked. Conceding 3 goals to the Manures is an offence punishable by uhh...lets see....getting hung upside down while surrounded by cultural studies people continuously spewing their bullshit.

After all, we lost only once to the team of the Glasgow Beetroot (out of 12) during the Golden Age under the Great One - Mourinho. Even under the Dog Faced Gremlin Avram Grant, we only lost via penalties.

But under Phil, we drew at home and then lost by 3 goals.....unacceptable. But that was not the only problem. Under Phil, our defence became a joke, our attack became one-dimensional and lacklustre. In short, we became like the Barcodes (and no my dear Benny, no matter how handsome Owen and Guiterrez are, the team sucks).

But that's history, a new dawn has arrived. Thank Gus, that Hiddink is here now. The dude has changed Chelsea. We are again grinding out results, and more importantly, rarely conceding goals. Petr is making brilliant saves, Terry is scoring goals, Ballack is looking interested, Didier hasstopped sulking and has started playing football, Cashley is making a fool of himself, and most importantly, Roman is back, with a smile. The dude is enjoying his football again.

So, every thing is hunky-dory. The future is bright. Next up is the Tinkerman with the "la vechia signora"....with an average player age of 67. We should win, the Meister hopes that we do. We have unfinished business with the Manures.

UP THE BLUES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

To err is human, to live in denial you got to be a head-case

Denial: to refuse to admit that you have any connection with something or someone.......(this is according to those fellows at Cambridge)

Denial is a lovely thing. It allows a person to completely ignore reality and live like one of those ostrich dudes (or is the Meister thinking of an Emu.....its that damn bird fella which goes and puts its head in the sand whenever it sees an enemy). Sooner or later, there comes a time in every dude's or dudorina's lives when he/she denies something, sometimes wholeheartedly. The reason varies - sometimes it is to avoid responsibility, sometimes to avoid punishment, sometimes to avoid unpleasantness and shame, and sometimes to get someone into trouble. Everyone lives in denial but it is only a few, very few, oh the lucky few, who can make a career out of denial. This post is dedicated to those Muppets.

From what the Meister has seen, heard, and read in his life, these following people or groups of people are masters in denial, they are champions....


1) The Whole Race of Pakistanis.....hell, the Meister does not have to explain anything about this lot, does he, they will deny anything under the blue sky, hell they will deny anything above the blue sky as well...they deserve the OJ Simpson Award for the Most Unconvincing Denial in the History of Mankind

2) The Great Indian Chunkubaaz - This lad, lives in denial about 2 things

a) the fact that he can put Scrooge Mac Duck to shame about penny pinching; Chunkubaaz is an ubermiser, he is the kind of guy who will calculate even micro-paisas when it comes to getting money but will promptly pretend to forget to pay hundreds to the Meister

b) the fact that he is losing hair faster than the speed of bullet, even faster than the rate in which rabbits and pigeons procreate, even faster than the rate in which Lady Liesalot….well….lies, even faster than Michael Schumacher, even faster than the rate in which Cultural Studies students join multi-national corporations...(and believe the Meister when he says that it was some of the fastest movements that the human mind can imagine, the rate at which the Cultural Studies people abandoned all their "issues" upon graduation when Uncle Sam came calling)

3) The Cultural Studies Group at CIEFL/EFLU - these dynamic dumdums are still living in their sheltered self-delusional cocoons vehemently denying the fact that they are the biggest bunch of hypocrites and humbugs human civilization has ever seen (these guys can teach the CPM a thing or two or even three about hypocrisy)

4) The Meister's Mother - this lady is still in denial about the Meister's humongous talent in loserliness

5) Rafa Benitez - admit it dude, you took a blunderbuss and shot your own ass, you moron, you could have taught those Japanese pilots whole courses in how to commit Hara-kiri

6) John Major, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown - still think that they are an independent body and not vassal state of them Americans

7) The Meister's Boss - the dude refuses to admit that he is a racist

8) The Portland Trail Blazers management from the year 1984 - for not accepting the fact that they had committed the biggest spoting howler and blunder in the history of sports, when they picked Sam Bowie (who??) over a certain Michael Jordan

9) Baldankur's Mother - about her son's sexuality

10) The Special One - for denying the hatred she has developed for theMeister over the last 1 year

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Land of the Drunks and Home of Bad Service

Yesterday, the Meister took 2 of his colleagues out for lunch to that Mecca of drunk people in Hyderbad - TDS.  The Meister does not know who named the place after the office of the British PM, but it has certainly caught the eyes of the Hyderabadi drunks.  TDS in London is used for the service of people while TDS in Hyderbad has just bad service.  The food was ok, but the staff were not. They were rude and arrogant and behaving as if they are doing us a favour by allowing us to eat there. The Meister guesses that drunk people do not care about service aslong as they have drinks in front of them, but since the Meister isn't a part of that group, it irritated the Meister.  
Moreover, there wasn't even any fingerbowl!!!!! The Special One would have hated it. 

Hence, it was one of the few occassions when the Meister did not give a single rupee as tip. 

The Meister acknowledges, on hindsight, that it was a mistake to go there...so you must be pondering, why did the Meister go there??? Well, it was because Meister's colleague Lady Liesalot, who btw is a champion drinker (she claims that she has quit but as her name suggests who really knows), is in love with that place and bugged him to go there.  She assured the Meister that there won't be any smoking or loud music. Well, smoking wasn't there but unfortunately, loud music was.  Also present was a distinct lack of light. In this day and age, the dimwits who are in charge, still persist in using bulbs to light the place.  Hence, apart from everything else, the place is a hardcore polluter ofthe environment as well.

The Meister is never going back there. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Whose Life is it Anyway???!!!!!

First of all let me apologise in the beginning...this is not one of those humorous anecdotes about the Meister's life...this is about the degradation and obsecene nature of ...well..ummm...human nature.

Also, this is not about any particular person, we are all equally guilty.....well not exactly, the cultural studies people are more guilty than others simply because they pretend to care...all in order to get better grades.

Someone please explain to the Meister why people make such a big deal about their clothes!!!!!! 

Yesterday all of a sudden Meister's friend Talksalot pinged saying "I am wearing a sari today"......well and good...no issues...the Meister politely asked why and the answer was that it was a team meeting and the theme was ethnic/ traditional dress or some such crap.

The Meister was allegedly curt and brusque with Talksalot, for which he is sorry. 

But, this whole obscene pleasure people derive from clothes pisses off the Meister for a number of reasons.....

Humans are obsessed with clothes. They are obsessed about a lot of things as well, but among them, clothes are by far the least important. 
People nowadays are more interested in what "am I gonna war today" than about the murder of people, the starvation and exploitation of children from around the world, and the massacre of animals and trees. 

It is really a sad state of affairs when the 1st thing to be decided about a meeting is the dress people are supposed to wear....
(on a separate vein, don't even get the Meister started about meetings - the most useless and time wasting piece of shit ever devised.......used by two groups of people...
(a) hypocrite bosses who have already made up their minds about certain courses of actions but want plauditss from ass-licking employees and 
(b) gutless worms in human shapes who do not have the balls to take any individual decision and like to hide behind groups)....the constitution and agenda of the meeting takes a backseat over the dress!!!

What is more bugging is the concept of ethnic/traditional wear.  What is the function behind it? Is it supposed to make us feel good or what? Does it really make us feel all good and bubbly???? Just by wearing a sari or kurta pyjama??? Are we really so shallow????????????? 

Another thing, who the fuck decides what is our tradition? Is going to discos and pubs our traditions? When someone points out that it is against tradition, the person gets universally derided from all 'modern' people as being ancient and belonging to another century (not Muthalik, that guy is a moron and a jackass and deserves all the pink panties, there is absolutely no justification for touching a girl, no one has the right to touch a girl without her permission, not even her husband). 
But these so called 'modern' people are the first ones to be delighted when our American Masters graciously and kindly allow us to wear our 'traditional' clothes once every few months....aren't the American Masters so nice, good masters......

Is our life really so pathetic that we derive our happiness from clothes??????????????clothes?????????????????Something which our ancestors developed just to get protection from cold!!!!!!!!

People spend thousands every year (well, at least rich and well to do people do......the poor cannot, but then absolutely nobody cares about the poor.....some hypocrites - like the Cultural Studies group - falsely claim that they do.....when the Meister points out to them that they actually do diddly-squat...they act all affronted and claim that they can't do anything because they don't have the power or means) on clothes and apparell.  They won't have 2 mins' hesitation to but a sari or a pair of shoes worth thousands if they really like it, but just how many of these modern, allegeldy educated, well-to-do gentlemen and ladies will even dream or think about donating say 5000 rupees to poor people??????????? 
What is the Meister thinking? Is he crazy?? Giving 5000 rupees to poor people??? When I have to save so much for marriage/kids/party/vacation/new vehicle/ new house/that new dress???? What next?????

Forget 5000, most people have problems giving 2 rupees to the beggars on the street junctions, they will roll up their windows, pretend not to see or just plainly shout at the beggars not to disturb. Their justification - these beggars are all parts of a gang or syndicate, those kids are not theirs etc etc......it is beside the point and not worth talking about that these beggars are also people with dreams, with families, they also feel hunger, sadness,love,  they also suffer from diseases etc...who cares....how dare they disturb us when we are talking with our friends/colleagues/spouses/kids/parents etc.

No post is complete without mentioning the Great Indian Chunkubaaz, the same guy who earns more than 4.5 lakhs every year and who recently vehemently opposed the Meister's suggestion of giving the watchman Ganesh 300 bucks for regularly coming and cleaning their shit for the last 2 weeks.....the justification being that Ganesh shouldn't be paid "so much" as he had not washed the clothes or the floors, he had only washed the utensils, taken out the trash, jharufied and dusted the floors and cleaned the bathrooms......the Meister is a loser in most walks of life but this is one arguement which he won. 

Is the Meister the only one who sees something to be ashamed about here? 

But is everyone like this? No they are not. There are great human beings around us. The Meister is eternally thankful and privileged and honoured to have met 2 such people - Sandesh Raju and Linda Francis. 

The former has dedicated his life to the betterment and welfare of animals and has even decided to live as a bachelor for the rest of his life for his beliefs. 
Linda Francis works for 14-15 hours everyday throughout the week in QuisLex and (apart from donating a significant part of her paycheque every month) still finds the time to go and spend time and teach orphan kids.  She also had time to stay in office all night to help a lost, weird, goofy looking kid in understanding legal lingo. 

Mrs. Raju and Mrs. Francis, the Meister takes off his metaphorical hat for giving birth to and raising such people. 

Well, this has been a rant and a diatribe by a bitter and frutrated man who is a Loser in Life, Career, Love and Monopoly and whoever reads this will probably think what's wrong with the weirdo now.....but hey the Meister's blog, the Meister's rules.