Meister vs Aliens

This is the Potato again.

I have had to take over this blog yet again, though temporarily, coz the Meister has gone bananas. His nerves are shattered, his confidence is gone etc. Personally, I think he is just a bit of a wus but anyway.

It all started (according to the dynamic dimwit anyway) when he apparently started making all them fox passes ...(the hoity toity la-di-das pronounce it differently of course)...(btw I want to meet the guy who managed to train the foxes to play football, that guy should be the Indian team coach).......and he did it in front of the most violent Mafia leader he has ever known. ...ye know her...that leader of the LOLZ Mafia..

Apparently she is a feminist plus a cultural studies research scholar, and a close friend of the man who should be beaten up periodically, preferably at least 3 times every week for the benefit of mankind and civilization - Ayush Prasad. Ye all know the Meister's viwes regarding all three groups of people - though doubt lingers whether Ayush can be considered as people. So, there he was happily cursing all and sundry, when the declaration from the Violent One came, thereby scaring the bejeejus out of the Meister.

He has been a little out of whack ever since.

He has been so out of whack that he lost 2 stare-downs to 2 kids in about 2 hours in 1 night. Yep, the kids actually stared him down. Once in Inox and once while coming back home, Meister was on the bike, kid was in a car...Stupid silly good for nothing muppet.

But the worst was yet to come.

Next day he had just started from home for office when he chanced upon a billy goat. They both stodd still and looked at each other.

Then there was a mexican standoff....both stared at each other without moving or batting an eyelash (though truth be told the billy goat had an advantge, he didn't have eyelashes)...

It was an epic encounter between man and beast

It was mano y goato at its finest.

So they stared and they stared.....and then...of course you know it.....

Meister blinked

shame, mortification, sorrow, ignominy, disgrace etc etc

He went back home and hasn't left it yet. I have had to go to office and do all other stuff. He is just lying there staring at the ceiling and sighing.

The dimwit is now saying that it must have been an alien goat and thats why it's mojo was so strong etc.

Well, I told him that if the goat was an alien, then the Meister is a monster, in fact he is the Missing Link.

No, not the link between man and ape nor the link between mammals and reptiles.....

Meister is the link between man and muppet.

Curse of the Chunkubaaz Strikes Again

Well, ye all know that crafty, randy, notorious seducer of boudis, lover of all products related to hair and addict of Orkut - the Great Indian Chunkuubazz. Ye also know that he recently ditched the Meister after paying heed to the call of a boudi. What ye all do not know is that this dude can put Scrooge McDuck to shame. In the Hindi-English dictionary, there is his picture beside the entry 'kanjush'. Well, when he was here, the Meister never gave him a party for the simple reason that McChunku never gave the Meister one. So, the McChunku never got a chance to see Meister's hot friends....he was jealous etc.

So when he somehow learnt about Meister's plans of hosting a party, he decidded to curse it. As the President of the "Bug the Meister" mafia/secret society, he had ample resources at his disposal. He made a masterplan and dispatched his agents.

First, he did weird things to the time-space continuum so that Meister could not invite his dear friends SS and MS.

Second, he scheduled someone's birthday so that Jellio could not come.

Third, he threatened our Resident Scientist - the Bee Man so much that the poor lad chickened out

Fourth, he somehow provided wrong directions to the Resident Bugger...since this is the Bugger, he took the wrong directions and made mistakes with the directions and reached the right place.

Fifth, he manged to get someone to blow some germs up the Prenniallyinjuredthung Ovung's nose, so that he fell sick.

Sixth, he arranged wih a professional hitman to hit Ex-lord Botanist with a car while he was coming back from work...poor lad has a broken wrist now.......damn you McChunku

Seventh, he somehow manged to convince all the orthopedics to go home, so poor lad with the broken wrist had to wander aroundhospitals all night without treatment

Eighth, he got some dude to dress up in a state-of-the-art invisible suit and steal the Meister's phone

Ninth, he messed up players' minds so much that during Taboo we had Talksalot giving clue to Hugh Jackman as the person who was in Edward Scissorhands (wtf right?) and Sexy Aunty giving clue to something as "this is something that Don Violent and I are going through/having right now"...its supposedlt mid-life crisis, all the guys present thought something else that starts with a m

Tenth, he managed to make the Meister late in picking up Don Violent, leader of the LOLZ Mafia, and as a result, they were late for the opening of the Potter movie

Eleventh, he got one of his agents to bomb the transformer near the Meister's office so that the Meister could not write this post - he did this for 3- 4 days continously

All of which proves

1) the potency of the Chunku...no wonder all the boudis go gaga over him

2) the determination and resoluteness of the Meister. Being one of them resolute dudes, he finally managed to finish this post, after overcoming overwhelming odds like blasted transformers, screwed up net connections, muppet bosses and splitting headaches.

10 Signs that prove SS's Nutterosity

You have heard of SS? She is Meister's friend - a great lovely kind friendly lady. Unfortunately she also happens to be a nutter...(well all women are, but you know what the Meister means),.. although nowhere near the league of Meister's esteemed family members. You are asking how the Meister came to this conclusion? Well its because......

1. She talks about obfusication with the Meister at 3.15 in the night(or morning if you are feeling pedantic)

2. She dances and sings in the cinema hall.

3. She was usually one of the last to leave that Lawless Jungle every night. She quit that place, and joined a new place and guess when she leaves ....yep long after everyone else leaves

4. She actually used to like that Jungle when she was there, and here's the thing - she apparently still does

5. She has a crush on OCD Man....rather she is fascinated with him...OCD Man, the guy who can pick a fight with his own shadow for no being in the perfect psition; the guy who says asshole and disgusting about 17 and 19 times respectively every day; the guy who uses pork as a subject-matter in a wooing process; - SS is so enamoured with him that she keeps calling the Meister by his (OCD"s) name

6. She is scared of Midas!!!!!!!!

7. She likes Bongs!!!!!....seriously!!!!!!!!

8. She reads about those sissy vampires of Ms. Myers :-(

9. When the Meister gives her a gift, she thanks Bugger. Yep, she actually does that. Well, she has also consistently called the Meister with OCD's name throughout the last 3 years (well either she is obsessed with OCD or she is bored bythe Meister)

10. She dreams/fantasises about Mr. Mythological Spirit

Well, in the spirit of the festive season where u buy something and u get something else free, here's another reason which proves that SS desperately needs therapy -

She still calls up the Meister, goes to movies with him etc etc, and seems to like him!!!

Now if that does not prove that she is a nutter, then there's something wrong with this world.

Ditch the Meister - the nation's new favourite pasttime (along with spitting, cutting trees and digging roads)

It all started with ....well who else....that notorious seducer of boudis, that self-delusioned reincarnation of Don Juan and Casanova, the man single-handedly responsible for keeping the hair-gel industry afloat - the Great Indian Chunkuubaaz. After promising the Meister that he would be staying in Hyderabad for at least another 2-3 years, he ran away. He just could not resist the call of the boudi (reminds the Meister of them frustrated randy Greek sailors in Odyssey and them German sailors in myths and them Sirens) and lunked off leaving the Meister high and dry!!! And this after 10 years of close friendship :-(

Well as a matter of fact, the first one to ditch the Meister was his closest friend in college - all over a girl!!! Meister had a mini-crush on a girl, nothing serious, just a crush, the son of a porcupine fell in love with the same girl. He felt threatened by the Meister as the girl used to hang around the Meister because the Meister was that damn good in English. So in order to win the girl, the dynamic dumdum started to spread rumours and malign the Meister's character in public. The funny thing (well funny now not then) was that the Meister had no clue and if only the numbskull had come and told him all, Meister would have actually helped him in his wooing process. See the Meister has no problems if someone invokes his name and paints his character as heinous and akin to Idi Amin, Pol Pot, cultural studies students etc. All he asks is that the person should tell the Meister what he/she is doing.

Anyway, to go back to the ditching part. Sir Gaysalot proudly upheld the tradition by ditching the Meister twice in the same trip - once in Bhubaneshwar and then in the motherland. The official reason was sickness, the unofficial reason- extreme boredom. He had ditched the Meister once before also - he had stopped talking coz he was apparently disillusioned with the Meister!!!

Then it was he turn of our very own present day slave owner - The Pampered Princess. She ditched the Meister because she started missing slaves as he refused to wait hand over foot on her. The final straw was when the Meister ignored her orders to go fetch water and she had to walk all of 15 metres to get it - how horrible!!!

The most recent boarders of the Ditch Meister bandwagon are his 2 friends SS and MS. They ditched the Meister after making plans to go see Public Enemies. Despite being mule tired after working all weekend and a bloody good downpour, Meister went to the theatre and got the tickets only to get the news that neither of the 2 would be able to make it coz of work :-( :-( (granted that's a good excuse but disappointing nonetheless)

Suffice to say thzt the Meister is a bit jittery nowadays...the rumour is that he is looking over his shoulders all the while keeping a lookout on the sides and in front as well (its bloody difficult)...the last thing he wants to do now is to fall into a ditch.

Chronicles of the Passport Office - The Meister, The Muppet and the Devastation

The Meister recently went on an adventure - an adventure to a strange and weird land, a mysterious land full of paper pushing muppets - to get himself a passport. Why he actually needs a passport is another matter altogether as he is too fat and lazy to go anywhere.

It was a dark and dirty place full of sweating people - some due to fear, some due to nevousness, In the Meister's case it was due to extreme foocking heat. This being Bong country some comrade had gone and kept the ACs at 32degC. There were also some ricketty fans from another era but the less said about them the better. Anyway the Meister went and stood in a que and discovered that he wouldn't have to stand long. There were sits upront. So he stood and looked around. Imagine his surprise when he found out that he had somehow become the centre of attention in the damn room. Initially taken aback, he soon realised that it was because of his most excellent moustache - truly a work of art. Unfortunately, this being Bong country, the looks were more suspicious than appreciative. However, there were a few connossieurs of fine things around and their eyes told the tale of their awe and appreciation.

After standing for about 20 mins, the Meister finally got a seat. The seating arrangement was such that there was a queue of seats and you have to hop from seat to seat while making your way to the counter. (picture the secunderabd railway booking counter) You would think that this is a good arrangement right? Unfortunately, the trials and tribulations of the Meister weren't over. This being the kingdom of the Comrades, maintenance is a word which is not present in the lexicon/vocabulary. Ergo, the 3rd seat that the Meister sat on fell apart.

Result - pissed off Meister, ecstatic onlookers

Anyway lightning doesn't strike the same place twice right?

The Meister is currently seaching for the idiot who said it. They have unfinished business.

So, 3 time's the charm isn't it? Well in Meister's case, it is 4 times the charm. Although truth be told, because of his excellent athleticism he never actually fell down. Anyway trailing a wide swathe of destruction and devastation like a bull in a china shop (Meister always wonders about this - How did this adage come about? What experiment was done? Just how many times was it conducted? Which deranged lunatic actually put a bull into a china shop? What was the purpose?) the Meister finally reached the counter.

He handed over the application form and the necessary documents. The muppet at the counter asked him for his Voters ID. Meister said that he doesn't have one. All well and good so far.

The muppet lit the fuse by then asking "why not?"

This was too much for the Meister. Being an extremely polite gentleman he didn't blow his top, instead he started a lecture. He pointed out the sad state of affairs of the Indian political system in general and the bong political scene in particular. He explained the horns of a dilemna that any self-respecting Bong faces during election time - whether to vote for a bunch of hypocrite humbugs who are supported by the cultural studies crowd or to vote for a bunch of nincompoops.

The mupper kept on looking at him in shock and awe, then he closed his mouth, stamped all the papers, printed the reciept and handed it over without a single word.


So now the Meister is the proud owner of a receipt. He is more or less certain that thats the only thing he will get. There's only a slim, nay almost no chance, that he will pass the police verification especially since he is in 1 city while the police is in another.

You can Never Please a Woman

Meister recently created 2 calendars (you know those create ur own design and the dudes will print it wala) for SS and MS as a sort of apology for The Hangover. According to Mr. Murphy's most excellent laws, they were delivered the day after he met them. Anyway he called SS and they fixed up a time and venue for the handover. So, guess what happens. SS receives the gift and..............thanks the Resident Bugger!!!!!!!!!!
This is the story of Meister's life.......on the few occasssions that he does something nice for someone, someone else gets the credit.
To add insult to metaphorical injury, SS then complained about MS's calendar being better than her own etc etc. See MS got a Potter calendar coz she is obsessed with Potter (and with namby pamby vampires of Stephanie Myers sadly). SS, on the other hand, is obsessed with the OCD Man. Unfortunately, as OCD Man is like a reclusive celebrity who does not like his picture taken,
Meister does not have any of his pictures and so he couldn't make a calendar with his picture and give it to SS. So, being a nice guy, he did the next best thing. He used a picture of SS herself, along with the Potter lookalike Birdgirl and the Bugger. You would think that would do the trick don't you......instead there was complaints for him and plaudits for the Bugger.
All of which proves once again that it is really impossible for a man to please a woman. It is beyond the realms and limits of mere mortal male endeavour.