Well, Meister has had some mighty weird dreams lately. Weird even by his own standards.
In one of his dreams, Meister was in a forest being chased by a group of chupacabras. He kept on running and running (yeah yeah yeah, Meister running etc etc) till he came to the edge of the forest and found a locked multistoried building. He cried for help and begged the inhabitants to let him come in.
He got pelted with tomatoes instead.
He woke up to find the real life chupacabra happily thumping the crap out of the Meisterhead with her tail.
In another dream, he, in his Fat Uncle Cheapo avatar, put on a spandex wrestling suit, oiled himself up and went into an arena for a wrestling match. Only problem was that the opponent was a mountain gorilla - yep the same one who keeps appearing in his dreams and bangs the Meisterhead with a hammer and shouts "nevermore".
It wasn't a good contest.
Poor Meister, even in his dreams he gets bashed up.
But anyway this got the Meister thinking what if he had chosen an alternative career path.
Well, he would have been a complete and utter failure in that career instead of being a complete and utter failure in the career that he has chosen.
Well, that got the Meister thinking about alternative careers for his friends, so called friends etc, all with the near certainty of being total and epic failures (much like the Meisterlike).
1. OCD Man as a forensic investigator ala CSI.
Just imagine, OCD Man goes to a crime scene, sees all the blood, utters "disgusting" and whips out his washing supplies and starts cleaning up the whole place.
No crime would ever get solved again.
2. Sandman as the mascot of KFC
3. MS Brownjacket or Lady Talksalot as Guest Lecturers on the Topic of "Too much Work is Bad for Your Life"
No point being indignant or claiming to the contrary, ye lot are workaholics and ye know it.
4. Ex Lord Botanist as the Poster boy for Abstinence
Some things just doesn't work
5. SS as the Spokesperson for any I/We Hate ____ Campaign
She likes HR people and Bongs, can ye really beat that?
6. Benny the Prude as a Producer of Porn Films
The name explains it
7. Literary Doglover as a documentary filmmaker
No bird will be safe is all that can be said in this matter.
8. Anoian Tippy Tapper as an editor/writer in a Sissy Girly Magazine
Can ye picture her going around writing muppetesque quizes for dummies and looking at engagement rings?
Ye can? She did? Oh!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Holy Mother of Phytoplanktons Fatman, What a Fortnighty Thingy
This is the Potato subbing for the Meister again. It seems some silly asses has gone and filled his head with ideas about writing fiction and publishing them etc. Ever since he has been dreaming of glory, success, fame etc.
Poor muppet, when will he learn
Anyway, it seems Meister had an interesting weekend (despite the best efforts of chupacabras and snotty people).
It all started on Friday.
Hippo was getting married. Meister was given an order to procure a bouquet of white flowers. Now Meister and flowers don't really get along very well. In fact, barring, roses, sunflowers and lotuses, he possibly wouldn't be able to identify any other flower for toffee.
So with some of them trepe..trepi...with a fair degree of fear, he set out for a flower shop. He found one in Begumpet and was about to park Baldrick illegally, when he came face to face with a traffic cop. Meister being one of them intelligent fellas immediately asked th cop for suggestions regarding where he could park. The cop, being Indian, immediately pointed to the same illegal space which Meister was eyeing.
Once that business was over, Meister entered the shop and in a few minutes managed to bug the crap out of the shop assistants with his incessant questions regarding what's this and what's that. Anyway after about 30-40 minutes of extreme hairpulling (on the part of the shop dudes) Meister got his bouquet. Suffice to say that there was no pink any where. It had something called Reincarnations (?), something called Asian Cauliflowers (?) and something that looked like a sunflower but had a different name.
With such weaponry in his arsenal, Meister went home, wore his skin tight khadis and proceeded to the wedding place.
And realised that he was easily the most over dressed and uncomfortable dimwit over there.
Why was he uncomfortable ye ask?
It was hot
This was the 1st time he was wearing a kurta
There were snotty people
Well, it was the 3rd reason whjich really got his goat actually.
Meister does not like snotty people. His proletariat blood boils when he encounters them rich upper class bossturds who think they are better than the Meister because they are richer and have attended la di dah schools or colleges or whatever.
There were a couple of such numbnuts over at the wedding. Old friends of the bride and Uber. They looked at the Meister as if he is something the cat dragged in (well to be fair, he almost always looks like he is something the cat dragged in, but thats beside the point) and tried their best to pretend that the Meister does not exist.
Meister suffered the indignity silently as he
a. did not want to mak a scene
b. did not want to be thrown out
Suffice to say, Meister's whole night was spoiled.
Oh, the Meisterbouquet ended up on a tree.
Sunday
Chelsea won the Premier League. Meister got to eat nice fish courtesy Uber and the Juicy Guy.
Monday
Morning: Uber said she will help the Meister in publishing etc.
So far so good. The Meister is ecstatic etc.
Well, something had to happen innit?
See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a continuous series of kicks in the bollocks.
And then Chelsea went ahead and compunded the problem by winning the double. Meister got happy again and so naturally......
Spondulitis, copious quantities of galis from boss people, no electricity, no internet, no Uber (she left) and then Baldrick shutting down shop.
And to put icing on the cake, a hurricane is coming.
Nice ain't it?
Well all this brings us to the conclusion that
Its high time that the rest of humanity save themselves and they can only do so by interring Meister in an underground nuclear buker in a deserted Pacific island with no fan, no comp and no TV.
Meister can't possibly get happy there and the world will be safe again.
And realised that he was easily the most over dressed and uncomfortable dimwit over there.
Why was he uncomfortable ye ask?
It was hot
This was the 1st time he was wearing a kurta
There were snotty people
Well, it was the 3rd reason whjich really got his goat actually.
Meister does not like snotty people. His proletariat blood boils when he encounters them rich upper class bossturds who think they are better than the Meister because they are richer and have attended la di dah schools or colleges or whatever.
There were a couple of such numbnuts over at the wedding. Old friends of the bride and Uber. They looked at the Meister as if he is something the cat dragged in (well to be fair, he almost always looks like he is something the cat dragged in, but thats beside the point) and tried their best to pretend that the Meister does not exist.
Meister suffered the indignity silently as he
a. did not want to mak a scene
b. did not want to be thrown out
Suffice to say, Meister's whole night was spoiled.
Oh, the Meisterbouquet ended up on a tree.
Sunday
Chelsea won the Premier League. Meister got to eat nice fish courtesy Uber and the Juicy Guy.
Monday
Morning: Uber said she will help the Meister in publishing etc.
So far so good. The Meister is ecstatic etc.
Well, something had to happen innit?
- A close dear friend's father had to be hospitalised
- Chupacabra ate the Meister's food
- Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion informed him that she is undergoing some tests for cancer
- Meister lost a full day's work as he forgot to save it
- Special One got married
See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like a continuous series of kicks in the bollocks.
And then Chelsea went ahead and compunded the problem by winning the double. Meister got happy again and so naturally......
Spondulitis, copious quantities of galis from boss people, no electricity, no internet, no Uber (she left) and then Baldrick shutting down shop.
And to put icing on the cake, a hurricane is coming.
Nice ain't it?
Well all this brings us to the conclusion that
Its high time that the rest of humanity save themselves and they can only do so by interring Meister in an underground nuclear buker in a deserted Pacific island with no fan, no comp and no TV.
Meister can't possibly get happy there and the world will be safe again.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Swadeshi Meister
Well, the Hippo got married.
And Meister wanted to gift something Indian to him. General concensus veered to a short kurta (who knew they existed...crazy fashion) it being all Indian.
So the Meister decided to buy that.
Having fixed that, next part of the quest was finding out where a kurta can be found.
Ok for those sniggering at the back, Meister has never bought any kind of Indian clothing in his life.
He does not wear dhotis because thats just a reprehensible obscene piece of garment directly responsible for the Indians losing each and every one of their wars agains foreign invaders.
He does not wear pyjamas because of the absence of zippers in the said garment (peeing is too much of a bother).
And he does not wear kurtas coz they are just too much of a bother - (washing, ironing, folding bloody hell)
Anyway, Uber suggested FabIndia. But since the Meister is against upper class imperialist hedgemonistic capitalist organisations, he said: no way Jose.
He instead decided that he will buy Khadi stuff - as swadeshi as you can get.
Well, having decided that he bullied the Literary Doglover to accompany him to the shops.
So they went and they found a nice wee thing for the Hippo.
Meister got all excited and in a fit of patriotism decided that he wants one - only in a much much bigger size of course.
The Doglover was telling the Meister about a couple of friends of hers from USA USA USA who came down here and bought kurtas and then got stuck.
And so guess what hsappened?
That's right
Meister got stuck in the damn thing as well.
It was terrible!!!! Meister's hands were over his head and akimbo, his vision was blocked, he couldn't move his head.
Doglover and a shopdude started pulling things and after 5 mins of extreme efforts, finally the Meister was free....exhausted but free.
Suffice to say that he bought the stuff.
But thats not important, what is important is the fact that the Literary Doglover finally got her wish. Her dreams came true.
She got to take off the Meister's clothes.
She hasn't stopped smiling.
And Meister wanted to gift something Indian to him. General concensus veered to a short kurta (who knew they existed...crazy fashion) it being all Indian.
So the Meister decided to buy that.
Having fixed that, next part of the quest was finding out where a kurta can be found.
Ok for those sniggering at the back, Meister has never bought any kind of Indian clothing in his life.
He does not wear dhotis because thats just a reprehensible obscene piece of garment directly responsible for the Indians losing each and every one of their wars agains foreign invaders.
He does not wear pyjamas because of the absence of zippers in the said garment (peeing is too much of a bother).
And he does not wear kurtas coz they are just too much of a bother - (washing, ironing, folding bloody hell)
Anyway, Uber suggested FabIndia. But since the Meister is against upper class imperialist hedgemonistic capitalist organisations, he said: no way Jose.
He instead decided that he will buy Khadi stuff - as swadeshi as you can get.
Well, having decided that he bullied the Literary Doglover to accompany him to the shops.
So they went and they found a nice wee thing for the Hippo.
Meister got all excited and in a fit of patriotism decided that he wants one - only in a much much bigger size of course.
The Doglover was telling the Meister about a couple of friends of hers from USA USA USA who came down here and bought kurtas and then got stuck.
And so guess what hsappened?
That's right
Meister got stuck in the damn thing as well.
It was terrible!!!! Meister's hands were over his head and akimbo, his vision was blocked, he couldn't move his head.
Doglover and a shopdude started pulling things and after 5 mins of extreme efforts, finally the Meister was free....exhausted but free.
Suffice to say that he bought the stuff.
But thats not important, what is important is the fact that the Literary Doglover finally got her wish. Her dreams came true.
She got to take off the Meister's clothes.
She hasn't stopped smiling.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Return of the Count
Well it seems that the Count is sad.
Which count ye ask?
Well the Meister is talking about his good friend the Count Luigi Christopher di Jimborghini...aka the Artist formerly known as Stupid Bastard.
You all knew him as stupid, you all know that he is a bastard. What you perhaps did not know was that ever since the death of Bruno, he had been looking for a new life partner.
After about 2 years of searching he finally found his partner - Garfield.
They completed each other. They had so much fun (even in that Guusforsaken piece of crap place dominated by cultural studies hypocrites).
Those were the days...the heady feeling of new love transcended them to a more beautiful realm.
But alas, in the Eden, came a monster...well 2 actually - Abhe Bhaiya and Hijra Bhaiya. They massacred and burnt down Eden and drove away all its inhabitants.
The Count called for help and his loyal page - that good for nothing cheapo fat waste of oxygen - duly obliged and whisked him away. Garfield was left behind in the melee.
Fortuntely he survived the massacre. But the seeds of discontnt was sown.
The Count pined and pined for his lover, and when opportunity struck, and surreptitously came back into his domain to meet his lost love.
Garfield and the Count were overjoyed at their happy reunion.
Well, so it seemed.
But lust and jealously reared their ugly heads.
Apparently Garfield became jealous that the Count had spent a number of days in the presence of a female. The Count begged him to understand that the female concerned is a crap eating Chupacabra and that she means nothing to him.
But alas no amount of reasoning proved adequate.
Garfield broke off their relationship and to teach the Count a lesson started a rebound relationship with a female.
The Count caught them one day in flagrante.
He was heartbroken.
He was devastated.
His whole world came crashing down.
He could not bear watching the love of his life gallivanting around other females.
So, with no other recourse open to him, he bid adeu to his kingdom (or countdom as the case may be) and slowly and wearily trudged his way back to the lair of the hairy beast......one place in the world where he was welcomed with open arms and chicken bones.
Poor Count.
Which count ye ask?
Well the Meister is talking about his good friend the Count Luigi Christopher di Jimborghini...aka the Artist formerly known as Stupid Bastard.
You all knew him as stupid, you all know that he is a bastard. What you perhaps did not know was that ever since the death of Bruno, he had been looking for a new life partner.
After about 2 years of searching he finally found his partner - Garfield.
They completed each other. They had so much fun (even in that Guusforsaken piece of crap place dominated by cultural studies hypocrites).
Those were the days...the heady feeling of new love transcended them to a more beautiful realm.
But alas, in the Eden, came a monster...well 2 actually - Abhe Bhaiya and Hijra Bhaiya. They massacred and burnt down Eden and drove away all its inhabitants.
The Count called for help and his loyal page - that good for nothing cheapo fat waste of oxygen - duly obliged and whisked him away. Garfield was left behind in the melee.
Fortuntely he survived the massacre. But the seeds of discontnt was sown.
The Count pined and pined for his lover, and when opportunity struck, and surreptitously came back into his domain to meet his lost love.
Garfield and the Count were overjoyed at their happy reunion.
Well, so it seemed.
But lust and jealously reared their ugly heads.
Apparently Garfield became jealous that the Count had spent a number of days in the presence of a female. The Count begged him to understand that the female concerned is a crap eating Chupacabra and that she means nothing to him.
But alas no amount of reasoning proved adequate.
Garfield broke off their relationship and to teach the Count a lesson started a rebound relationship with a female.
The Count caught them one day in flagrante.
He was heartbroken.
He was devastated.
His whole world came crashing down.
He could not bear watching the love of his life gallivanting around other females.
So, with no other recourse open to him, he bid adeu to his kingdom (or countdom as the case may be) and slowly and wearily trudged his way back to the lair of the hairy beast......one place in the world where he was welcomed with open arms and chicken bones.
Poor Count.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Evil Spirits
Recently (don't ask when, its all lost in the mists of time), the Meister was discussing evil spirits, demons etc with the Anoian Tippy Tapper. Maybe the recent Chupacabra infestation of the Meisterhouse was a reason for discussion.
Apparently they (the coconut oil lovers) have a creature called Yakshi who go around drinking blood and killing people. A female vampire in other words.
Well, motherland (Bong country - a place from where Meister has been disqualified for
a. calling Tagore over rated (as a story writer and painter)
b. refusing to act like a pompous twat or be politically correct
c. announcing, in an SFI convention, that his favorite politician is George W Bush
d. laughing hysterically during a sombre poetry recital
e. announcing that all poets, amateur singers and those into amateur dramatics should be kept locked up)
also has its own share of vampires and blood suckers. You can identify them by the fact that they go around calling each other comrades.
Now while chatting, the Meister regaled (or bored the crap out of) the Anoian with a story from motherland. Here it is now for the rest of ye lot.
There was this very famous and rich trader. He was a fan of Lord Shiva (he had the jerseys, the flags, the scarves etc the whole shcamoddle so to speak). He said he will worship only Shiva and no one else (the one club, one love syndrome). Now this pissed off Manasa, the goddess of snakes. She was flexing her muscles and buying up all the important personalities. She threatened the trader with direconsequences (snake bites) if he doesn't worship her.
The trader said: pffft my fffttt, piss off etc etc.
Manasa was enraged but couldn't do anything as the dude was a supporter of Lord Shiva. She waited
Now the trader had a son called Lokhinder. For all intents and purposes he was a complete waste of time and story space (much like Nani). Anyway, that dummy got married to a girl called Behula (who named these people??? seriously!!!! from the whole plethora of sexy girl names to choose from they chose Behula - which btw is similar to the Bong term for violins, go figure).
The trader was concerned and he protected everything with lots of soldiers, he blocked all doors, lit up all places, cleaned all areas etcetc.
The wedding night arrived, the newly weds started fucking, and just when things got really interesting, a snake came to the wedding room through a hole in the wall and bit the groom to death. Behula, who was on the verge of orgasm, was understandably distraught. (Meister had problems empathising with her situation untill the use of an analogy - imagine its the Champs League final, the last penalty kick, if u score u win...and your captain goes and falls flat on his arse)
Howls of anguish and nooooooooooooooooooo was heard for miles around (not from Behula but from Meister that night).
Behula was so sexually frustrated that she decided that she announced that she is going to appeal to people upstairs.
People were initially baffled as they were simple folk and there were only one story houses back then.
Understanding dawned after the use of a few choiced invectives by Behula.
They built a raft and put the groom's body in it, Behula then boarded and set sail for heaven. She started meditating and praying. her prayers were so succesful that Indra (the 2nd biggest luj character of them all) instructed his assistant to "Beam em up Scotty" (c. Anoian Tippy Tapper)
Once she reached the place, she first of all puked a lot (movement sickness you see). Once that was over, she started protesting to the gods about the rights of man, or in this case woman - Emmeline Pankhurst has nothing on the Indian girls eh.
She was so infuriated that apparently she started dancing (don't ask why, weird girl that) ....the gods being complete and utter luj characters, got infatuated with her and told her: Ask a boon, come on come on ask something from us.
She said: Give my husband's life back, you dickheads
Gods were like, sure (though Indra apparently murmured something like - but she didn't take off any clothes, but couldn't protest much as the whole plethora of goddesses started giving him dirty looks).
Manasa however protested, she said : "no way Jose" etc
Gods were in trouble, on the 1 hand they had given their words, on the other hand, though immortal, no one wants to get bitten by snakes.
So they formed a committe to look into the matter. (seriously did we Indians have...sigh)
After copious quantities of ambrosia was consumed and heated discussions - apparently there was no accord between the Conservative party led by Brahma and the Neo Liberals led by Ganesha - they finally decided to approach the trader.
They went to the trader and tried to persuade him to worship Manasa.
He said: foock off
The committe was in trouble. Finding no other options, they approached Lord Shiva.
They told him of the matter.
Siva: Its like all cool bro. I will like talk to the fellow whatsisname, don't worry, peace man. Now give me my bong unless you want to get blown into smithscreens.
He promptly forgot everything about it.
After about 4 reminders, he finally sent a message to the trader - Hey man its all cool ROTFL, u can worship Manasa man LMAO, I don't mind. Incidentally, I have heard that they are growing some seriously cool shit over at that place next to that thing which comes after that stuff, you know what I mean. Next time you do them ritual thingies, throw some of that shit in the fire will you. C U L8R
So the trader, while performing puja to Shiva, throws a few flowers to Manasa's idol as well.
Gods: Ah, have accord, we can give back the life.
Manasa: No, I want roses and candlelight and.....
Kartik: If you don't agree now, I will tell dad that your snakes have recently destroyed a few acres of prime farmland where they were growing weed.
Life was given back hurriedly.
Anyway, Meister asked his colleagues whether they knew about any Telugu evil spirit or demon etc. The anser was a blank look and shakes of heads.
Getting no help from that quarter, Meister started thinking (stop sniggering), and within minutes got the answer.
There are indeed a group of creatures who make the Telugus whimper in fear. They all break out in sweat and start muttering prayers to their extensive plethora of gods for protection.
This group of creatures is so vile, so dangerous, so bloodthirsty, so malignant and mortiferous, so savage that they have driven all other demons and evil creatures away from the land.
This group is far far far more dangerous than Al Qaida, Taleban, LeT, Klu Klux Klan, the Thuggies and amateur poets combined.
They can not only destroy your own body and soul but also that of your preceding 17 and succeeding 18 generations.
If you utter their names loudly, not only you, but your family, your clan, your community, your viallge, town, city etc all get cursed.
So whisper the name quietly, and then pray pray pray
BACHELORS
Apparently they (the coconut oil lovers) have a creature called Yakshi who go around drinking blood and killing people. A female vampire in other words.
Well, motherland (Bong country - a place from where Meister has been disqualified for
a. calling Tagore over rated (as a story writer and painter)
b. refusing to act like a pompous twat or be politically correct
c. announcing, in an SFI convention, that his favorite politician is George W Bush
d. laughing hysterically during a sombre poetry recital
e. announcing that all poets, amateur singers and those into amateur dramatics should be kept locked up)
also has its own share of vampires and blood suckers. You can identify them by the fact that they go around calling each other comrades.
Now while chatting, the Meister regaled (or bored the crap out of) the Anoian with a story from motherland. Here it is now for the rest of ye lot.
There was this very famous and rich trader. He was a fan of Lord Shiva (he had the jerseys, the flags, the scarves etc the whole shcamoddle so to speak). He said he will worship only Shiva and no one else (the one club, one love syndrome). Now this pissed off Manasa, the goddess of snakes. She was flexing her muscles and buying up all the important personalities. She threatened the trader with direconsequences (snake bites) if he doesn't worship her.
The trader said: pffft my fffttt, piss off etc etc.
Manasa was enraged but couldn't do anything as the dude was a supporter of Lord Shiva. She waited
Now the trader had a son called Lokhinder. For all intents and purposes he was a complete waste of time and story space (much like Nani). Anyway, that dummy got married to a girl called Behula (who named these people??? seriously!!!! from the whole plethora of sexy girl names to choose from they chose Behula - which btw is similar to the Bong term for violins, go figure).
The trader was concerned and he protected everything with lots of soldiers, he blocked all doors, lit up all places, cleaned all areas etcetc.
The wedding night arrived, the newly weds started fucking, and just when things got really interesting, a snake came to the wedding room through a hole in the wall and bit the groom to death. Behula, who was on the verge of orgasm, was understandably distraught. (Meister had problems empathising with her situation untill the use of an analogy - imagine its the Champs League final, the last penalty kick, if u score u win...and your captain goes and falls flat on his arse)
Howls of anguish and nooooooooooooooooooo was heard for miles around (not from Behula but from Meister that night).
Behula was so sexually frustrated that she decided that she announced that she is going to appeal to people upstairs.
People were initially baffled as they were simple folk and there were only one story houses back then.
Understanding dawned after the use of a few choiced invectives by Behula.
They built a raft and put the groom's body in it, Behula then boarded and set sail for heaven. She started meditating and praying. her prayers were so succesful that Indra (the 2nd biggest luj character of them all) instructed his assistant to "Beam em up Scotty" (c. Anoian Tippy Tapper)
Once she reached the place, she first of all puked a lot (movement sickness you see). Once that was over, she started protesting to the gods about the rights of man, or in this case woman - Emmeline Pankhurst has nothing on the Indian girls eh.
She was so infuriated that apparently she started dancing (don't ask why, weird girl that) ....the gods being complete and utter luj characters, got infatuated with her and told her: Ask a boon, come on come on ask something from us.
She said: Give my husband's life back, you dickheads
Gods were like, sure (though Indra apparently murmured something like - but she didn't take off any clothes, but couldn't protest much as the whole plethora of goddesses started giving him dirty looks).
Manasa however protested, she said : "no way Jose" etc
Gods were in trouble, on the 1 hand they had given their words, on the other hand, though immortal, no one wants to get bitten by snakes.
So they formed a committe to look into the matter. (seriously did we Indians have...sigh)
After copious quantities of ambrosia was consumed and heated discussions - apparently there was no accord between the Conservative party led by Brahma and the Neo Liberals led by Ganesha - they finally decided to approach the trader.
They went to the trader and tried to persuade him to worship Manasa.
He said: foock off
The committe was in trouble. Finding no other options, they approached Lord Shiva.
They told him of the matter.
Siva: Its like all cool bro. I will like talk to the fellow whatsisname, don't worry, peace man. Now give me my bong unless you want to get blown into smithscreens.
He promptly forgot everything about it.
After about 4 reminders, he finally sent a message to the trader - Hey man its all cool ROTFL, u can worship Manasa man LMAO, I don't mind. Incidentally, I have heard that they are growing some seriously cool shit over at that place next to that thing which comes after that stuff, you know what I mean. Next time you do them ritual thingies, throw some of that shit in the fire will you. C U L8R
So the trader, while performing puja to Shiva, throws a few flowers to Manasa's idol as well.
Gods: Ah, have accord, we can give back the life.
Manasa: No, I want roses and candlelight and.....
Kartik: If you don't agree now, I will tell dad that your snakes have recently destroyed a few acres of prime farmland where they were growing weed.
Life was given back hurriedly.
Anyway, Meister asked his colleagues whether they knew about any Telugu evil spirit or demon etc. The anser was a blank look and shakes of heads.
Getting no help from that quarter, Meister started thinking (stop sniggering), and within minutes got the answer.
There are indeed a group of creatures who make the Telugus whimper in fear. They all break out in sweat and start muttering prayers to their extensive plethora of gods for protection.
This group of creatures is so vile, so dangerous, so bloodthirsty, so malignant and mortiferous, so savage that they have driven all other demons and evil creatures away from the land.
This group is far far far more dangerous than Al Qaida, Taleban, LeT, Klu Klux Klan, the Thuggies and amateur poets combined.
They can not only destroy your own body and soul but also that of your preceding 17 and succeeding 18 generations.
If you utter their names loudly, not only you, but your family, your clan, your community, your viallge, town, city etc all get cursed.
So whisper the name quietly, and then pray pray pray
BACHELORS
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Meister's on a Highway to Nadir
It has been well documented and statistically proven that good things on a sustained basis do not happen to the Meister (unlike bad things on a continuous basis, which has never let go of Meister's hands, legs, bollocks etc)
Whenever something even remotely good happens, it is immediately and almost always inevitably followed by something much worse.
So imagine the Meister's consternation when a succession of goodly things started happening in his life. He gets invited to birthday parties, he gets free ice cream samples, Chelsea wins games emphatically and reaches the very edge of a double. He was definitely on the journey to zenith.
Meister could feel disaster, sadness, misery etc etc looming on the horizon. He could feel it in his blood, nerves, corpuscles, pee, crap etc etc.
And guess what, the journey to nadir started (as predicted, as envisaged)
1. The Spawn of Sauron and a Chupacabra decides to haunt the Meisterplace.
She
Lets see a typical day
Meister goes to sleep at 130
At 7 in the morning, she starts whining again so Meister wakes up and with bleary eyes takes her out for a walk, she pees and craps a whole bucket, and then comes back
Meister could feel disaster, sadness, misery etc etc looming on the horizon. He could feel it in his blood, nerves, corpuscles, pee, crap etc etc.
And guess what, the journey to nadir started (as predicted, as envisaged)
1. The Spawn of Sauron and a Chupacabra decides to haunt the Meisterplace.
She
- Eats part of the Meisterdoor
- Regularly wakes up Meister in the middle of the night
- Craps in his apartment
- Pees in his apartment
- Pees all over him
- Eats his bedsheet
- Eats his Landmark bag
- Beat up Jimbo
- Emits noxious dangerous fumes from her arse (if canned, can be classified as an WMD)
Lets see a typical day
Meister goes to sleep at 130
From 230 she starts scratching the door and whining
Meister wakes up to see whats the matter and opens door, she happily comes and lies down in front of the cooler and withing 5 minutes starts snoring and farting
At 845 while Meister is reading the newspaper, she pees and moves while peeing thereby spraying it all over Meister (yes the only creature who moves while peeing)
2. Meister's office decides on a cost cutting exercise where they stop paying salaries to employess
3. Meister's netbanking stops working
4. Meister's hands shake so much that he drops an almost full cup of Barrista cold coffee
5. People start being all condescending and mean
6. People start making fun of the Meister
7. People start lying and insulting his intelligence (stop sniggering)
And all this in the space of only 2-3 days, so you can anticipate whats gonna happen in the coming days can't you
The journey continues, Nadir is in sight,
all of this means that we are gonna lose to Portsmouth and Wigan
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHHH
P.S. People keep asking the Meister why he doesn't get married.
Well judging by history, he will probably suffer from erectile disfunction, impotency and premature ejaculation and his wife will cheat on him.
So no thanks. The Meisterlife is sad enough already
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