Sweet Fanny Adams and SS is in Luw

So many news so little time. Some are worth "who cares" while some have epic potentials. You be the judge.

Meister's friend Talksalot has got a new hairstyle thereby turning it into - in her own words - an extravaganza. The Meister is quite astounded that despite the "extravaganza" she is quite ambisomething...u know one of them intellectual words which mean in 2 minds...about it. Trust a woman to be confused. Also, trust a woman to fork out 5k on hair where the money could have been used for something much more useful, i.e. treating the Meister.

One woman who is not confused is Don Violent Bluehead. So far her violence was more or less restricted to scaring the bejeejus out of the Meister....but according to trustworthy sources....her range of aggression has spilled over into newer channels...Apparently she has nowadays been going around kicking.....wait for it....."fannies".... she has also started some weird practices involving coffee, cocoa, hot water and the Balooning Accident (yeah yeah chimney kettle, people living in glass houses etc etc...but hey she once fell off the Meister's bike...which gives him the right etc etc). Being a good samaritan Meister naturally poined out the meaning of "fanny"...last heard she was feeling sheepish. That did not stop her from filtering the Meister on facebook though....damn

Meister's friend MS Brownjacket has recently started working on Sundays as well....bear in mind this is the same lady who refused to work beyond 6:30 on occassions during her sojourn in the Lawless Jungle. When asked about it she initially refused to admit it and then tried to pass the buck by making preposterous statements like Meister is a dedicated employee etc etc.

Now comes the breaking news, the highlight so to speak. 

Meister's dear friend SS has finnnaaaaaly admitted that she is enamoured with the OCD Man and that it is precisely for this reason that she has been calling Meister by OCD's name for the last 2 years. One of the theories going around regarding why she quit from Lawless Jungle is that she couldn't stand the blooming romance between OCD Man and the LoudBossLady (who btw has a possibly negative IQ in terms of dress sense). 

The Meister was further astounded to hear that the only reason he got the fan and the cd player was because Boss wanted to impress him so that he would say nice things about her to OCD. wow!!!!!

Well SS quit because she couldn't stand the man she fantasises about, the man of her dreams being woooed by another. She, however, was speechless, mortified, heartbroken etc etc when Meister informed her about the whole host of letters that flow between OCD and Boss, and the fact that OCD even writes her poems, or song lyrics to be precise. SS started to metaphorically sob upon hearing the news. The Meister fervently apologises to SS for unintenionally breaking her heart by disclosing OCD's secrets. In his defence he never knew the true extent of her infatuation and enamourment. 

All he can say is OCD should have stuck with song lyrics as part of his wooing technique. Talking about 'pork' while attempting to serenade a girl never works.....well hopefully it doesn't...if it does then Meister will just lose all respect for womankind.

Meister has lost his debit card. Searching his fuzzy memory he has realised that he forgot to take it back after paying for ExLord Botanist's happy birthday. Since there is a total 84 rupeess left in his account, its not that big a loss. Anyway since the ExLord is perenially _pecked (insert animal of your choice), the Meister felt it right that he got something special for his birthday, ergo the Meister wrote him a poem. Its on facebook if anyone wants to read.

Sexy Party and the Prude who shouted Wolf

The Meister recently went to see an animation movie....Monsters v Aliens. The Meister liked it, he especially liked the characters B.O.B and the Missing Link...which brings us to the question "Is Seth Rogen fooking brilliant or what????"....Superbad, Knocked Up, Zack and Miri Make a Porn, Kung Fu Panda, Pineapple Express and now this..the guy kicks ass.

Talking of kicking, Meister's friend Bete Barda kicked the bucket on Sunday after a long and painful struggle. Its a relief in some ways, the guy can finally rest in piece. Another good thing, the guy won't be rejected and derided by women anymore. Way to go buddy, enjoy the afterlife...hope there is beer.

Coincidentally both of this happened on the night of the party to celebrate the birthday of the Sexy Auntie. The Meister reached the party after watching the movie and eating a sub, a burger, an ice-cream and half a litre of sprite. And when he finally reached, there was no power. Instead there was the Motley Crue.

This being her party, Sexy Auntie was there, so was the Grand Old Linguist, so were OCD Man, MidasDude, Resident Bugger, Jellio, The Prude, Don Violent Bluehead et all. 

The party was at Looserates, the abode of the Arseloving brothers - Perenniallyinjuredthung Ovung and ExPapaarazziwithaweirdnamephoneticallythung Ovung....the latter looked like and acted like he was stoned silly... making such propestorous statements like the Arsepuppies are gonna win next year etc etc

There were also Toothpastemodel and his sister, the former kept on shouting throughout the party, the latter kept on murmuring, smiling and reacting violently whenever the Meister looked at her. 

There were also a drunk guy, Orange Longfour, Philosophy Girl and The Anoian TippyTapper. 

There was good food, Danish beer (The Meister now has had Aussie beer, American beer, Indian beer and European beer..they all suck) and games galore.

There was Scrabble, which the Meister inevitably lost despite a lot of great help from Orange Longfour. His demand of a repoll and recount was violently supressed with a lot of muppetesqe comments from Jellio in particular. There were reasons for the demand of recount as a lot of tile-fixing went on between Don Violent and the Bugger, and Jellio herself acted as a spy. There were allegations of mathematical irregularities as well but the Meister's lone voice and demand for justice was again supressed by looks of intimidation and silent threats of physical harm from the Violent One. 

Then there was UNO. It is a very confusing game devised and invented to test the Meister's patience and highlight the Bugger's bugging abilities. 

Meister won twice. Nothing else needs to be told.

Well, it was a memorable night. The Meister reached home only around 3. Surprisingly Prude was still online. It was one of those extremely rare instances where Meister was invited to a party and the Meister had loads of fun.

He enjoyed the food, the games, the beautiful ladies and the sight of OCD Man trying to outrageously flirt with Violent Bluehead.......by......wait for it......talking about.......wait for it.............PORK.......yes people the muppet actually kept on talking about pork in his desperate and sad attempts at wooing. 

Someone please please buy him the book "Flirting for Dummies".

All in all great times.........slightly marred later by...who else....the Prude.

She called up the Meister asking him to come to campus coz something has happened. The Meister thought something has happened to his beloved dogs. He was worried, anxious and about to spring into action when the Prude giggled and said that it was just a joke!!! Nothing has happened, she just wanted the Meister to worry. 

What a Muppet!!!!!!!! Someone inform her about that old fable about the moron who cried Wolf

sad little man

i am a simple stupid man with millions of character flaws who doesn't realise what is evident to all right thinking budhijibiis...hmm so that makes me a moron then

maybe i am....maybe i have been 'brainwashed by the decadent west' 

all i know is that i spent an entire decade of my life terrified that i wont get a job...and that i will have to depend upon my parents for money all my life....and that they will be ashamed of me.....

because of the decadent west i am not afraid anymore, i am not terrified anymore...

because of decadent west my mother is alive today

because of decadent west if an accident happens to me today and i become an invalid or whatever...my parents wont have to sell their house to take care of me

hell because of evil decadent west i am alive today...because the evil decadent west gave me the ambulance, and gave me the medicine which makes me alive today

i dont know much of anything because i dont understand much

all i know is i am proud of  being an indian

i am proud of being in a country where part of my hard earned money, the same money that i earn after working for 12 hours a day for weeks at an end, is going to fund research, and is going to help kids remain in academics, and is going to put food in the mouth of kids in villages....yes that happens btw under the govt sponsored midday meal scheme, kids throughout villages and cities in all govt schools get free breakfast and lunch.......school attendance amongst kids is at its highest ever

i am proud of being in a country where i can stand and say whatever i want to say

i am proud of being in a country where people are not shot and killed for demonstrating unlike evil UK or holy, honest, godly Pakistan, or the utopian socialist China

i am proud of being in a country where both RSS and MIM, JIM etc coexist

i am proud of being in a country where the prime minister is an economist and an-ex president a nuclear physicist

i am proud of being in a country where even the animals have rights, very few, but they do have.....unlike godly Pakistan or the utopian, socialistic China

i am proud of being in a country where healthcare is massively subsidised...under Rajiv Arogya Yojana as started by Reddy....where people of the lowest income group can avail treatment from expensive hospitals like Yashoda for virtually peanuts

i am proud of being in a country where millions are employed in loss making public sector units like ONGC are still run and will always run because it provides employment to millions and cheap gas and diesel etc to billions 

(the subsidy ka money in all these cases comes from taxes from the evil western institutions btw)

i am proud of being in a country where parents, grandparents and teachers are still the most respected members

i am proud of being in a country where it really doesn't matter where i am from or what the colour of my skin is, or what language i speak...i can go and work and settle in any part of the country...(except kashmir where hindus are not allowed to settle btw........hundreds of thousands of hindus, virtually the whole hindu population was killed and driven off from the valley....now they live in refugee camps in jammu and delhi; and yet there have been no retaliation against anybody...gjarat was an one-off occurence and now it transpires that it was more economic than religious.....1 group wanted the businesses of another etc etc)

i am proud of being in acountry where electricity in every home is no a distant dream anymore with the coming of the nuclear reactors

i am proud of being in a country which opens its arms to people who have been persecuted for their religion, their views, or for what they have written in books....the same people who cant enter their own countries for fear of being killed can lead a normal life in this country...i am proud of that

i am proud of being in a country where the elderly get the utmost respect everywhere (despite the brainwashing by the evil decadent west)

i am proud of being in a country where a woman can do whatever she wants without fears of persecution and public flogging etc etc

i am proud of being in a country where there is no media censorship

i am proud of being in a country where people care about olive ridley turtles

i am proud of being in a country where you get free help everywhere (which speaks about human decency and humanity, despite being brainwashed by the evil west)

i am proud of being in a country with the ration card system where poor people get massively subsidised rice, wheat, pulses, oil and kerosene (despite us selling ourselves to the evil west who only cares about profits)

i am proud of....but whats the point of going on...we r part of the evil west now and so enemy of humanity

are we perfect...hell no....are there rooms for improvement...hell yes....are we going in the right direction....slowly yes

but hell we r evil bastards...we are allies of the decadent evil west

all that is about my country

i am a simple stupid man, selfish man with millions of other character flaws....

but i really do care about certain things...i care about freedom, 

apart from that i care about my parents, i care about a girl in Bangladesh and i care about the ones who have no voice, to whit animals.....

 

i care about them because no one else particularly does (most definitely not society or the government) and because i love them from the bottom of my soul and ever shrinking heart

and i care about animals because most don't and someone has to

i dont read books about economics, about imperialism, about decadence, about our society, our culture

i do my work, i earn money...i keep some of that money to help my parents in old age...some  is pend to make me happy...and some i give to people and animals who need it more than i do

i dont really like discussing politics or imperialism or socialism or the evil west, 

i am practical and a fatalist....the world is doomed, to be precise human beings and most animals are doomed....with evolution some other creature may arise who knows...we arent staying

in my own sad little selfish brainwashed pathetic way i care about the present, i care about putting a smile in a kid's face or a wag in a dog's tail

i leave the philosophical important intellectual deliberations to people who are more intelligent than me and people who are probably hell certainly better human beings than me

me i am kinda content with my own sad little pathetic selfish brainwashed life.....not happy....never will be happy for some unavoidable and unchangeable circumstances...especially with my innumerable character flaws getting more and more evident to the one person who means the most to me in the world......and who by indications will slowly but surely get disillusioned and disdainful for me because of my sad little pathetic, brainwashed views and life

i will live my own sad little pathetic brainwashed life as it is, every day at a time, 

i will help people and animals who need help, 

i will speak for the ones who have no voice, 

i will dream of a girl and love her all my life even though she thinks that in some way in some logic in some philosophy whatever happens to her doesnt  matter to me 

and finally i will die....that will be the end of my sad little pathetic, brainwashed life

these are just my sad, little, pathetic, brainwashed views about life etc.....i know it doesnt match to the high standards set by people much better than me (duh!!) but hell what to do

sometime in the future i will become a sort of a hermit, i will quit everything and go live with the animals in sandy's shelter... its better that way...the animals wont judge me and look down upon me....hate that...its probably an ego thing...see another character flaw...the animals wont care about how i look or what my views are...they will love me or who i am ... a smelly little man who gives them food and takes care of them and plays with them

and then around 60 will stop taking my medicine and bam...the end

-- 

Happy Week

Well, it has been a pretty eventful week so far, and some critics have also opined that the week can be termed as "Happy days". so why have the days been happy?

Saturday was great coz the Meister went to the abode of the Resident Bugger where he met the aforementioned Bugger, OCD Man, MidasDude, SS and Miss Brownjacket, played a bit of weird criket, a bit of football and then went for dinner. They had dinner at Katriya de Royale (where Bugger got lost temporarily while parking). The food was nice, the sweets were btter, the company was awesome, and not even the fact that some fooker tried to ruin the whole thing by playing fooking KennyGesque saxophone tracks could spoil the evening for Meister. As free bonus entertainment The Meister got to ride home in an auto with OCD Man, which as anyone knows is free wholesome entertainment.

Sunday was great because Chelsea thumped the Arse boys.....it was quite pathetic actually.....it was like a bunch of professional football players playing against a group of teenagers. ......which btw prompted one of the Hopelessthung brothers to declare that Arsenal will be better next year...blah blah.....well they can hardly be worse can they......well on second thoughts, maybe they can...remember Benny's Newcastle??

Monday was great because the Meister recieved correspondence from the Special One, and replied back in the biggest fooking letter he has ever written..... Monday is also memorably coz one of Meister's colleagues cooked chicken for the whole office, another one got sweets, and the Boss got rotis and veg-biriyani.....all in all a pretty sumptuous affair

So thank you to 

Epicya (now if only you could make my life easier by remembering subject-verb agreements), 

Wina Aunty(now if only you could make my life easier by not using contractions everywhere), and Fraudas Hypocritus Maximus aka Boss (now if only you could make my life easier by going away to Mars)

Tuesday was great coz there were no powercuts. It is also great coz the Meister got feedback on his epic epistle - the Special One has unfortunately termed it as beauty-fooking-ful.

Wednesday was great coz Meister finally got one of them birthday party treat thingies.....dinner at Nanking. It was a double birthday - of Senorita Prudia Maxima and the Violent Bluehead. Poor Meister had to convince Prudia for an hour to get it. 

Anyway it was a lovely dinner (duh) and he got to meet (apart from the bday ladies of course) Sexy Auntie, Smiley Jellio (who btw looks thinner if that's possible) and the Athletic Salteater after a long time. All in all good times, apart from a strange incident involving spoons. However, all the other patrons, waiters etc were looking at the Meister wondering 'whats this weirdo doing with 5 girls?'

The only problem was that Meister was a little bit scared of the fact there seemed to be a neverending supply of forks within easy reach of the Violent one, who apart from being the Don of the LOLZ mafia, had already threatened the Meister with grievious bodily harm. 

But thankfully violence did not ensue and the Meister got home in one piece. 

Now if only Uglygirl and the Doomed Animator would give their promised treats, the happy week would be complete.

Irony, thou art a Muppet and Benny, thou art a Prude

Irony

This is one of them literary intellectual words which Meister had a problem with in his young formative years. He always thought that it is something made of ..well..irons.......you knows like ironic railings, ironic goalposts etc etc.

Another word which confused the Meister was 'oxymoron'. In an incident in school, he once almost knocked out a fellow student for saying something in the lines of the Meister being a monitor is an oxymoron as he is one of the most disturbing elements in the history of school. Meister thought that the guy was calling him a moronic ox and thus was charging towards the guy intending to knock the stuffing out of him when calmer, cooler, literary heads with significantly higher IQ levels manged to stop him and explained to him what the term means. 

Anyway, anyone who knows the Meister or pretends to know the Meister or acts like he/she knows the Meister knows at least one thing.....that the Meister loves dogs (and Chelsea of course.....its like a part of his identity)......

In the same way being a prude is Benny's identity......those MSN Encarta people are right now deliberating on whether to include "Benny" as a synonym for the term "prude". 

They are also deliberating on whether to add "Meister" as an antonym for "sissy", "Tasneem" as a synonym for "backstabber" and "Ayush Prasad" as a synonym/description/definition for idiot, moron, numbskull, jackass, loser, disgrace to humanity etc etc.

So since, Meister and dogs are made for each other, it is inevitable that some canine induced misfortune will befall the nutjobs who constitute his family. 

Meister's esteemed uncle was apparently bicycling to the market, when he was viciously attacked by about a dozen dogs (well given the fact that Meister's family memebers are professional exagerators {if anyone says anything about spelling, then Meister will call said person a Muppet}, the truth is probably that a couple of dogs, maybe three chased the bicycles, and the esteemed uncle completely panicked, tried to outrun....err....outcycle the dogs, lost his balance and crashed. He is now the proud owner of a cracked temple, bruised ribs, numerous cuts etc etc. 

This brings us to the final points......those eternal pesky questions really...like

Why do dogs chase vehicles?

Why does Arsene Wenger see only those fouls committed by the opposition and never sees any fouls committed by his own players?

What is the point of Ayush Prasad's existence?

Who will give tasneem the thorough spanking that she deserves?

and finally.....

Why o why is Benny, despite being a 20-21st century, allegedly modern, highly educated girl, still a PRUDE?

News

There's good news and then there's bad news. Which one to tell first? It is one of them philosophical questions?

Well here goes...bad news first

1. Special One is sick :-(

2. Some motherfookers are again poisoning dogs in Ciefl

3. The Resident Bugger and MidasMan were robbed recently. Apparently, Bugger left the house without properly locking the door. Officially, the muppet did not wake up Midas because he wanted to be a good samaritan. Those who knows the dumbass knows that he did not wake up Midas and then forgot to properly lock/latch the door was because he was "tinking". The winsome twosome lost moblies, cameras etc. Thankfully noone was hurt.

4. Uglygirl promised Meister that she would give him a treat and then became incommunicado.

5. The Blues were robbed by UEFA, who have handed the trophy to the manures. 

Now here's some good news

1. SS is free, finally free. She has escaped the prison that is QuisLex. She is now working in some micro-finance company (since Meister has a possible single-digit IQ, don't ask what micro-finance is). She is happy, she is walking home, reading books again etc etc. The Meister is so happy for her. 

2. Meister's colleagues are gonna treat him to free lunch on Monday...wuhooooo

3. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz is not going to Chennai (he changed his decision once he realised that the vast majority of Tamil girls are conservative and not so good looking)

4. Meister's offcie has reently installed one of those coffee vending machines. The coffee is damn nice.

5. Brownie is still alive and healthy

Some other News

1. Benny is still a prude.

2. OCD Man is still valiantly continuing his crusade against illegal 1st class passengers.

Fooking Conspiracy, Benny the Prude and Lot's Wife

Resuming his perennial battle with household furniture, the Meister broke his fooking chair night before yesternight. 

He was just sitting on the damn thing watching tv and drinking copious amounts of cold Hech2O...when tragedy of epic proportions struck accompanied by what them intellectual types in their Latin will call "loudus bangus enurmus"; and the Meister found himself flat on the floor with his legs flapping around on air; and the Great Indian Chunkubaaz choking with laughter, the Muppet. 

It has to be a fooking conspiracy since our resident superhero Krish had sat on that very chair quite comfortably only half an hour before without any sort of signs or premonitions about the ensuing catastrophe. 

Fooking Chair

In other news, scientists and them intellectual literay types have managed to prove without a shadow of a doubt that the Newcastle loving Benny Summer Yanthan is indeed a prude of gigantic proportions. However, opinions differ on which age she actually belongs to.  Some researchers have opined that Benny belongs in the Biblical times. 

This point however has been vigorously contested by others, who claim that the Biblical people were no prudes as evidenced by the fact that they actually went ahead and named a city- Sodom. 

These researchers claim that Benny actually belongs to the late medieval/ Vicorian ages. The debate continues. Nevertheless, they agree on the one undisputable fact that Benny is a prude.

Talking of Bible, Meister is wondering,

After Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt,

a) if anyone went ahead and ate that salt, and 

b) did this individual later claim: "I ate Lot's wife, she was tasty"