A Plague on your House

You know what, not only on your house, but plague on the houses of all you hold dear.

In case, the readers are wondering, that curse is directed towards some intellectually deprived arsehole who tried to steal the Meister's e-scooter.

So, since you tried to harm the Meister, here's the Meister's curse in return

A plague on the houses of everyone you hold dear

plus

Meister curses that

your penis develop a huge and painful boil, which in turn makes you impotent
your bollocks shrink to the size of peanuts
you get piles and fistchula
all your teeth rot and fall away
you get carbuncles in your armpits
you get ulcer
you get rheumaticsm
you get beaten by 15 cats, 20 dogs, 100 bees, 1 million mosqitoes carrying malaria
you get a new version of swine flu for which there is no medicine yet

your mother run away from your father with a girl 30 years her junior
your sister etc become prostitutes
you get cuckolded by every single man in your locality
you lose everything you own in a property dispute with your cousin

One Wild Night

And before you luj characters start gallivanting at the prospect of hearing about some salacious details, let Meister remind you that this is Meister we are talking about.
So no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, no rock and roll, not even a kiss...
oh hang on a minute, technically there was rock and roll..... on the Meister's computer.


The wild night of Meistric persuasion contains work, more work, some more work, a racist mysoginist boss, power cuts, absence of coffee and the police......and lest the Meister forget, pubic hair straightener (anyone commenting on the spelling will get a look of disdain, you know the sort of look that Meister gets from human beings whenever they see him or the look that antels and assorted intelligentsia of Nutters and Luj Characters University [formerly Central Institute of Nutters and Luj Characters] give the Meister when he claims that he has an IQ of over 130....seriously he does....according to all them tests...but alas noone believes him).


As an aside, talking of the University reminds the Meister about the 4 schools that are present and inhabited by the antels and the intelligentsia


School of Literature - Walking with noses pointed towards the sky and writing crap in such a way that nobody ever understands anything anyway...its been going on for such a long time that neither the teachers nor the students understand anything and have no clue whats being said or written and have found recourse in calling a spade a soil redistribution equipment


School of Linguistics - Admit it dudes, you all wanted to study science, you flunked in either physics or chemistry or maths or stats (or in the Meister's case everything), and studying Linguistics gives an ego massage....at least you are studying some sort of science eh...it also gives an excuse or opportunity to pretend what you are doing is extremely serious


School of Cultural Studies - All hegemonistic upper caste males should be killed...whoever shouts that the loudest gets O grades...that taken care of, everybody can go about doing what they really came to the University for, to whit sleeping around...well for 2 years anyway...and then once course is over, to fall over themselves to get jobs in multinationsl corporations.


School of ELE - Timepass


Well, there are a few weirdos around who seem to genuinely like their subjects etc, plus there are some ubers also, they are excused.


Anyway rant over, to come back to topic


Meister ended up staying and working in office till 11 in the night...no Meister shouldn't tell a lie...it was 10.50 not 11....chi Meister chi....Anyway, at least he got free dinner for his troubles.


At 11, with tottering footsteps and drooping eyelids, Meister started on his electric scooter to go back. Around Secunderabad, a policeman flagged him down - reason breathalyzer.


Yes people, the Meister got his 1st breathalyzer test thingy done. wuhoooo


Naturally, to the intense disappointment of the policeman, it came out zero. However, the eyes of said policeman was a sight to behold, especially when the Meister took off his helmet.

Anyway, after that stimulating sojourn, Meister went to University, and to his intense humour, found it plunjed in darkness. He heard that it had been like that almost the whole day - although the construction site and the shanties had power...go figure.

As there was no power, alas there was no coffee. So, Meister went to the tea shop. He found tea. He also found assorted idiots, assorted dogs (including everybody's favourite stupid bastard Jimbo), and assorted foocking mosquitoes. And he also learnt that there is something in this world called pubic hair straightener, and that it is a perfectly acceptable birthday gift.

Oh, before the Meister forgets, there was also a

fffiiiggghhhhttttttttttttt

Well, the world's most depressing fight, but a fight nonetheless. A couple of East Asian dudes got drunk and slapped some Indian muppet. So, to take revenge, assorted heroes went to their apartment with the intention of beating them up. Unfortunately, their mission was foiled. 2 reasons

1. they got stopped by a female of sumo wrestleresque proportions who flatly refused their plea to enter
2. they found out that the winsome twosome had in fact beaten each other up in a drunken stupor

And oh, how can the Meister finish a post without mentioning what happened early next day.
Succintly put, Meister beyomped his head rather badly. Its the same as bumping your head, but done with style.

Meister had headache all day.

Luj Characters

Meister usually doesn't write this kind of posts, but damn he got depressed (ok ok there's nothing new in that). Ok so does write this kind of posts. Damn.

History has proven, over and over and over, that when it comes to wars and battles and martial glory, we are just not good enough. True, we have won the odd battles, but when it comes to wars we have always lost. The only time we won wars were when we fought ourselves (Ramayana and Mahabharata and Pakistan 1947-)

Whenever we had to fight foreigners, we had been as awful and useless as Suresh Raina on a bouncy wicket, or the Meister at sex, or rather the Meister at anything relating to women. Frankly disgusting and embarassing. Meister means his sex life of course, not our martial endeavours. At least we fought and lost, the Meister was disqualified from sex even before he started.

Anyway all this profound cogitation is a result of a television programme.

There's this new show on tv called Deadliest Warriors. It comes on History Channel. Meister is loving it. The concept is that they will pit 2 of history's greatest warriora against each other in every episode to check who would have emerged victorious. The episodes in the 1st season featured the following...the ones in bold came out as winners.

Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Spartan vs Ninja
Pirate vs Knight
Yakuza vs Mafia
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
William Wallace vs ShakaZulu
IRA vs Taliban

For more info visit
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deadliest_Warrior
http://www.spike.com/show/31082/

Whose big idea was to put a pirate against a knight? Dumbass. The pirate had flintlock and blunderbuss, the knight had a sword. No contest. Also no contest was that Shaolin Monk v the Maori. Come on guys kung fu v wooden clubs etc. Be serious.

The top 2 were kickass contests though. However, the most lopsided contest wasn't any of the abovementioned but involved the Spartan. He kicked the everloving crap out of the ninja. man, the Spartans were good.
The Meister also liked the Talibans getting blown to smithcreens by the IRA and the Green Berets losing to those Russian fellows.

Now, what bugs and depresses the Meister is that there's no Indian warrior anywhere near the horizon. We have no martial race or style to speak of at all. We always lose our wars.

Starting from Porus (who in his infinite wisdom brought elephants to a battle on the river bank.....muppet) and going to Prithviraj Chauhan (who was allegedly dallying with his wife when his kingdom was attacked.....idiot)...not to forget the Rajputs and the Sikhs (who despite being brave, no doubt about that, always always manged to lose to the Muslim invaders)...and the Marathas (who thought using cavalry and artillery in a battle is enough, infantry is so overrated etc etc...and subsequently got a proper bollocking from Wellesley's army [Battle of Assay])...and finally to the Bong rulers (Laxman Sen to be precise).....who ran away from his capital upon seeing 16 men on horseback - who btw were on a purely recon mission.

Seriously, can you see any Indian group, throughout our history, fighting and beating the Spartans or the Mongols or the Romans?

Meister neither.

Even the Indian army lost when they tried to fight the comrades from the east.

They did and still does regularly spank those idiots from the west but that do not count as
a. they are a bunch of idiots
b. irrespective of what anyone says they are absolutely the same as us in every possible way......only stupider

So all this brings the Meister to the conclusion that we are not meant for fighting, we are not warriors.

We are a nation of philosophers, and poets, and lovers.

Or in other words,

We are a nation of luj characters.

A Huge Dick is in Town

Meister isn't talking about Abhey Maurya btw.

He is rather talking about a massive dick which they have erected at the Parade Grounds in Secunderabad. Its supposed to be symbolic of Shiva's penis. If Shiva really had that big a penis, no wonder Paravati stayed with him all that time despite the addiction and the violence. Women, Meister yells you, are all nutters, even the ones of goddy disposition.

Speaking of gods brings the Meister to dogs, and to the Literary Doglover.

Literary Doglover has declared that she does not like watching bird porn. She just makes the videos....aesthetically of course.

Talking of literary stuff, brings the Meister to the Uber.

Don Uber has had an epiphanic revelation of astronomic proportions. It happened a few night ago. Meister was in the Don's room. The Sadistic Jatobsessor was also there. They were all chatting and talking. And then Jatobsessor showed some sadistic clips of a male baby getting torturred and mutilated (in cartoon of course). Don became very agitated on seeeing said clips and in her exuberance she decided to beat up the Meister. So from her chair she decided to fly at the Meister, and unfortunately (extremely fortunately for the Meister) fell off her chair.

As a result of all that activity, she went into a profound cogitative mood and has the aforemention epephanic revelation. She finally realised that both of the Jatobsessor's folks are her parents!!!!

What are the odds eh!!!!

Anyway,

In other news, some silly sick bastard has torn one of Meister's underwear, and a new one also. If the Meister ever finds out who committed this heinous atrocity, he will.....he will....he will catch hold of said person and will put him/her in the same room with Ayush and Tasneem and then lock the door and throw away the key.

Talking of Tasneem, Tasneem was recently seen smoking near Sagar's store.

Not only that, she was heard making allegedly disparaging remarks about a certain professor of EFLU, who always goes around in traditional white clothes. The problem was that the said professor was walking behind her (about 2-3 metres) at the moment of utterance. When she realised the gravity of the situation, she was worried, extremely worried. She didn't know what would happen. She was asking around "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?"

The Meister adviced her to shave off her eyebrows.

p.s. The Meister recently decided that he would delve into the worlds of fiction. He created a plot and wrote a page. It turned out to be so god awful and gut wrentchingy bad, that the Meister fell asleep reading his own stuff. He was thinking of whether to continue when a gorilla came up, bashed the Meister on his head with a spanner and quoth: Nevermore.

That last part might have been a dream though.

EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW - on more levels than one

The last fortnight in the Meister's life has been pretty damn incredible. So many things happened.

The least of it is that the Meister has become the proud possessor of a geriatric back.

How you ask?

Well ........

1. It is a result of a thrashing that the Meister got in the hands of a certain someone when Meister called her a bourgeois.......which proves that the oppression of the proletariat class continues.


2. Meister was forced to walk for 2 hours..while wearing wrong shoes


3. Meister had to run after (ok that's stretching it a lot) waddle after dogs all day for a day

(only 1 of the above is in the realms of fiction, the others aren't, you be the judge)

Meister walked for 2 hours. Meister's back decided enough is enough and decided to shut down the workshop. Result - incredible pain. (on the bonus side - painkillers...yeaaahhh)

In addition to this,

last Monday, he had to walk around all day keeping track of the dogs getting vaccinated. Yes, it was the annual Sitafalmandi Dog Camp organised by Blue Cross in colab with the Sandman. This year was a success - 138 dogs, 5 cats, 2 black sheep, 1 goat and 1 rooster got vaccinated on that day.

And the Meister was there, waddling and limping around like a geriatric suffering from both rheumatism and hydrocil at the same time.

Meister has no idea whether he was of any help whatsoever in the day's proceedeings. He thinks he wasn't. But at least he was there.

And because he was there, he got peed on his face by a dog.

Ok people, come on, you can do it, take a deep breath and say out loud -

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

Stupid dog

As you can probably make out, the Sandman had come and was here for a week. They spent some qulity time together (despite 213 questions during The Dark Knight...typical samples include Is Harvey Dent Batman? Is Joker the villain? How did Gordon come back to life? He was dead wasn't he?)

Anyway as a gift Sandman brought a Chelsea calendar. Unfortunately Meister had already bought that a month back. On his part, Meister had bought a book on Arsenal as a gift to Sandman. As it turned out, Sandman already had that book.

Aaahhh Meister's life. Everyday is an adventure.

And then the Sandman (unintentionally of course) destroyed, annihilated etc the Meisterplan.

For those not in the loop, the Meisterplan involved retiring at age 45 and going and working with the animal shelter to be built by the Sandman. Unfortunately, he is not building a shelter per se.

So, ambitions, hopes, plans for the future etc all dashed. If it had happened to anyone else it would have been quite sad. As this is the Meister here, its not sad. Instead its a clear case of





EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

So its time to review, revamp, rethink and redraw the Meisterplan. The age limit still stands though.

In other news, the Sandman also somehow managed to massacre the charger of Meister's electric scooter. It involed him driving away to glory while the charger wire was still plugged in and after the ensuing snap, etc, putting in the wrong wires at the wrong sockets.

Finally,

in other news, the Sadistic Jatobsessor got highly enthu about the existence of kittens and with vim, vigour, determination and etc, she decided to adopt one. She did. The next issue was naming it. All of the Meister's suggestions - Linkovitch Chamosky, Medulla Oblongata, Merryaduck Brandebuck etc were rejected.

Finally, after much deliberation and negotiation, it was decided that henceforth the kitten shall be called

EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW

Oh, one more thing

Meister has realised that he cannot depend on other people to help him in fulfilling his dreams. Nobody can actually. So its all upto him and his stomach now. Meister has decided that the only thing which he realistically can do is becoming the fattest man alive. That is Meister's new dream.

One mooooooorrrrr thing

Hearing about Meister's condition, SS bought him a hot water bottle (how nice of her). Meister used it. The pain in the relevant area lessened quite a bit.

Now his upper back and shoulder blades are hurting.

Short Shower of Shit

Well, the Meister went to see his friends, Romans, countrymen and kindred spirits. Or in other words, he went to the zoo.

He wasn't alone - Don "Uber Antel" Violent was there, as was the Literary Dog Lover and Tasneem. They had all booked a car for the day and onwards they went. Nothing special happened in the journey. However, Meister got to know of 2 things

1. He got a dinner invitation from Heavyweight Bonglover


2. He came to know of the heinous and nefarious plan hatched by the Great Indian Chunkubaaz (the plotter), The Hustler formerly known as Boobs (the instigator) and Don Violent (the executioner) to throw the Meister into the crocodile pond.

It took all of Meister's persuasive and argumentative powers to convince them, or rather Don Violent, that throwing Meister into the crocodile pond is not a good idea. Not for any considerations for the Meister mind - it is already an established fact that he is a big ass waste of space and as such killing him will be considered as social service - but for considerations for the crocodiles. Meister falling on 1 of them would definitely harm the said creature. Plus eating Meister will definitely make them fall sick. So overall, it would definitely be considered as cruelty to crocodiles.

Anyway, apart from that terrifying life threatening event, the Meister more or less enjoyed the trip. He liked his ancestors (the future rulers of the planet btw), they all showed Tasneem their arse, so that was fun. He also liked the fact that the chimp politely asked them to sod off.

He had an awesome time beside the hippo enclosure also...not least because Tasneem, true to form, abused a hippo, who, hearing the comment, just turned around, showed its significant sized ass to Tasneem, raised its tail and crapped and vigorously moved the tail resulting in a short shower of shit.

But thats not all, the main surprise of the day came when they were looking at the birds.

Literary Doglover professed and confessed that she watches bird porn.

Yes, bird porn..as in two birds doing the stuff...she even films them.

They are Still at It

Well, he has done it. He has finally done it. The Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion has gone and cut his hand.

How you ask?

Ok, the Meister will tell you. One of the Nutters' neighbours has a coconut tree. So said neighbour had a stock clearance kinda thing, he got all the coconuts down, and distributed them in the neighbourhood. So, naturally, Esteemed Nutter went and bugged him for free coconuts. After extreme bugging, he came back with 4 coconuts.

So far so good?

Esteemed Nutterthen decided to cut/peel the coconuts. So he got out the sickle kinda thingy, which is older than the Meister btw, lifted it up and smartly and with much vim and vigour ninja chopped it down on his finger.

Cue - in the words of Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion - gallons of blood.

Anyway, this gave her a perfect opportunity to have fun- she kept on scaring Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion about titanus and gangrene and amputation etc etc. After constant predictions of doom and gloom, Esteemed Nutter of the Paternal Persuasion finally went and got the wound cleaned and dressed etc etc.

Suffice to say that he wasn't happy. In fact, he was waiting for an opportunity for revenge so to speak; an opportunity which he got a couple of days later when he went to his college.

Well, seeing him going around with a big ass bandage, his colleagues naturally asked him whats the matter. Here's how the scene went.....

Assorted Colleagues: What happened?
ENPP: You won't belive it
AC: No, seriously, what happened? Did you cut your finger? How?
ENPP: If I tell the truth, you won't belive me. You will say that I am joking around.
AC: Nono, why wouldn't we belive you? We will, we will, please tell us.
ENPP: Ok, here goes. You remember the weather last weekend?
AC: Yeah, it was very cold
ENPP: Exactly, so I asked my wife to make me some pithas
AC: Yeah, so?
ENPP: So, she refused saying she is too old and tired to do such stuff anymore.
AC: Ok.....
ENPP: So, I told her that she should get me married to a much younger woman who will cook what I want. Hearing that she went apeship and attacked me with a knife. I cut myself while trying to save my life.

Pin drop silence in college staff room

Anyway, ever since the youngsters have been looking at Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion with fear in their eyes, and the oldies and friends have been asking her in staff room, college corridors etc: "Dude, what really happened? Is it the truth? Did you really attack him?" etc etc.

Well, they have been doing this for more than 35 years now and are pretty expert at it. So with joy de vivre et all, they suddenly decided to go to Sunderbans (Meister's brief visit to the zoo - details in the next blog - might have given them the inspiration). So they went, ate crabs, bugged the crap out of numerous wild fowls and birds, deers, boars and alligators (the tigers had run away upon hearing of their impending arrival) and generally spent 2 wonderful days (idyllic existence only shattered by Meister's phone call and deeply philosophical question about why Bongs get gas)

Nutters' Day Out

The Nutters went out.

Well, tbh, they usually go out quite a lot, and they have been going out for about 35 years now. They started off way back in a different millennium altogether by going out - possibly by doing that ancient and noble tradition of bunking college. In those bygone days, they allegedly (Meister wasn't around those days, so ain't sure what actually used to happen) used to go and sit on the banks of the river Hooghly, coo silly lovey dovey stuff into each other's ears and eat nuts. But lately, their outings have been either homework related or for their "shrutinatok". This time it was for a different purpose altogether.

Meister had bought them tickets to 3D Avatar. So, they went to see 3D Avatar.

And once they reached the theatre, they completely astonished, astounded, flabbergasted and gobsmacked the Meister by buying one of those big buckets of popcorn!!!!!

After finishing the movie, they decided to window shop. So they started walking all over the mall and saw their niece, Meister's cousin (the nutter who is upholding the family traditions by doing a Phd in Physiology and going around with a probable future significant other) walking around with her boyfriend.

A normal person might have just walked away to spare the poor girl the embarassment. However, being parents of the Meister's parents, normalcy is not a word you can easily associate with the Nutters. Hence, with every possible sign of enjoyment they descended on the poor kids. As a result, the niece got embarassed and scared that the Nutters will tell her parents; the dude accompanying her just got scared and tried to hide. Well, the Nutters being vehement and hardcore supporters of love marriages et all, they soon reassured the kids that they are not going to tell the parents. So like a herd of water buffaloes leaving the field after a particularly heavy lunch in its path of destruction, they left, leaving the 2 kids exhausted and limp with relief.

Now, the Estemmed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion was extremely happy upon seeing the 2 kids - not because of any pure motives but because apparently the guy is ugly. Meister knows what you are thinking - you are thinking wtf!!! Well, the story goes that apparently Meister's aunt is a bit of a snob when it comes to looks (no idea why, she is no Monica Belluci, forget that, she isn't even a Rosie o'Donell). She apparently comments a lot during weddings et all about other people's looks. So, Esteemed Nutter is happy that now the aunt's own prospective son-in-law has turned out to be ugly as well. Something about pot kettle etc.

What is ironic is that in her youthful exuberance, the Esteemed Nutter quite clearly forgot about the looks of her own son. Meister is easily one of the ugliest persons in history. For all those who have not seen the meister, imagine a mixture of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Gerald Butler. Now picturise the exact anithesis of that lot. That's the Meister.

If there ever was a competition for the world's ugliest creature, Meister would in all probablity finish 4th (being a hardcore, certifiable loser, he will naturally not finish in the top 3) behind the Orcs of Mordor/Isengrad, this creature - http://www.goth-panda.co.uk/2007/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/ugliest-dog3.jpg, and Wayne Rooney.

At least the bf of the cousin, despite being ugly, have managed to get himself a girlfriend (though he is to be pitied really, he knows not which family he is attaching himself to). Forget reality or fantasy, girls don't want to mate with the Meister even in their slips of tongue.

Poor Meister, he will die a virgin.

Anyway, the Nutters then decided that they needed sustenance. So what do they do. They decidd to board a private bus (despite having a car btw) and go to a restaurant about 8 - 10 kms away. There they had Chicken Biriyani, Chicken Tandoori and Chicken Bhortha (no clue what that is).

Then they decided that they are tired with all the exertions, so they went home.

Interesting Times

It all started with a puncture. On Saturday morning, Meister had just started for work, when he realised that his rear tire has gone bananas. So he had to keep the Activa back and then walk to the autostand. On reaching the autostand, he was about to get into an auto when he heard some dudes calling him. Upon further investigation, it turned out to be a couple of guys in a car offering to give him a lift. Upon further investigation, it turned out that the Meister knew one of the guys - he is a local autowallah.

So, Meister boarded the car, and to his astonishment found out that it belongs to an MLA. Apparently the driver of the car and the autowallah are good friends and they were going to Begumpet. So, knowing where Meister works, they offered the Meister a lift. Meister, who being a cheapass, never says no to free stuff and thus he came to office in an AC car of an MLA. The minus part was that he had to listen to hindi film songs.

So he went to office, where he found out that there was to be free lunch as a farewell to a dude. What's more, someone mistakenly ordered non-veg food. (The Muppet acting as CEO usually only orders only veg food for office events) And what's even more, there was more food than what people could eat, so Meister got to bring free food home.

And once he reached home, he found out that Liverpool has been thrashed by Portsmouth. And as if that was not enough, later the same night, the Fulham boys thrashed and massacred and pillaged and plundered the foocking Manures. Great day eh?

But you know what, that's still not all.

Sunday, was Midas's birthday. So in the morning, Meister went to the bday party. On the way. he went to Landmark to buy gifts, and lo and behold (and other types of weird expressions which do not make any sense), he found a Chelsea calendar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best Christmas present ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also bought a Stephen Clarke book, a book about Thugees and a book about Attila the Hun. And then he went to the party. And there was cake :-) :-) :-)

After cake cutting et all, everyone went out for lunch and again there was leftovers, so Meister got them as well.

You know what all that means???

It means Meister had loads of food at home.

So what did he do?

He invited his friends over for a night of food and games.

And so Don Violent and Sexy Anutie and MahaBOOB and OCD Man and Resident Bugger all came and they had good food and they played games (where Don Violent tried to cheat at Grand Prix but failed owing to the keen eyes of the Meister and his 100% success rate in that game.)

So you see, it was an uber interesting weekend wasn't it?

And the week was too.

For now, here's only 2 snippets from the week.

On Tuesday, Meister, being a bit of a Muppet, tried to heat his food in a plastic bowl on his electric heater, thereby successfully managing to burn the plastic bowl and conk out the electric heater. (In his defence, how was he to know that a bowl marked Microwave etc is not going to work on a heater??)

On Wednesday, after office, he went with his colleagues to a mess, which serves some really tasty food. What's more, someone else paid for the food. And once he came back home, he got invitation from Sexy Auntie and Don Violent to come over to PerennialyinjuredthungOvung's place where there was, among other things, lots of cake!!!! :-)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Its one of them deep philosophical questions that have mystified people throughout the ages (and have also given them philosophical types something to do during the long winter nights). There is probably no clear and simple answer or solution to this conundrum (more or less on the same way that there are no clear answers to the questions -

Was there Atlantis?

Who built Stonehenge?

What is the purpose behind the existence of houseflies and Ayush Prasad?

Now you all know that Meister is not one of them philosophical types (you know the ones who talk about issues and use words like hegemony, imperialistic, parochial etc etc). Meister, being a man of the world, is more concerned about why the chicken actually crossed the road.

It all happened Saturday morning. Meister was going to office. He has just crossed the Sitafalmandi flyover, when it happened - the chicken crossed the road. The Meister was stuck on one lane of the road, a jeep/Bolero/Sumo was on the other lane. The chicken which was patiently standing on one side of the road suddenly decided to cross to the other side.....and its been bugging the Meister ever since...why did she do it?

Was it to go home?

or

Was it to escape from a patriarchal system dominated by some hegemonistic cock?

And they call the Meister a Chauvinist Mysoginist!!!!

Well, everyone knows that the Meister is a pretty laid back dude. Nothing really disturbs him (apart from Tasneem and cultural studies students hell bent on talking about "issues"). He certainly never gets disturbed about movies. He watches everything.......from Woody Allen to Michael Bay...well not really, he doesn't watch movies with deep philosophical insights which talk about important issues and which are made by Slovenian directors (with names like Polish goalkeepers) and which are favoured by certain "uber antels".

Some reasons the Meister does not see such stuff are that:

• He is certain that being a plebian (despite dictionary.com's insistence of attaching an extra e in the proceedings, Meister is sticking to this spelling) proletariat, he won't understand a single word/scene/issue/deep philosophical insight and the whole movie will go 25 feet over his head like a Bobby Zamora shot or a post-apocalyptic poem involving one armed men, hungry dogs, grass which grows in the dark and lava; at which point all them hoity-toity intellectuals will turn up their noses, look down upon him and start using words like hegemony (Meister always thought that the word meant earning money by designing hedges); at which point of time the Meister's foot will move of its own accord towards the posterial regions of said intellectuals

• As a disciple/acolyte/worshiper of the Invisible Flying Purple Spaghetti Monster, its against his religion to watch such movies. That and eating/drinking coconut oil

Now the Meister was recently taken to a movie called New Moon. Meister knows what you are thinking - you are thinking: Why Meister Why??? Well the reason was that it was a revenge by MS for The Hangover. As she put it like that, Meister really could not refuse (as he has a soft spot for the Code proposed by that fella Hammurabi). So he went.

And he got disturbed, really disturbed.

Its not really the fact that its a bad film. Guus knows Meister has seen enough bad, cringeworthy films in his life (bloody Moulin Rouge comes to mind). But this movie was in a separate stratosphere of badness of its own. The film in itself was mediocre and lame - what got the Meister pissed off was the story.

To get to the bottomline, its a story about a girl who wants to change everything about her (and in the end changes everything) for the love of a boy. It doesn't matter if said boy is a menace/danger to other human beings.

So what do we have as the morals of the story?

1. Girls, if you really love a guy, then go ahead change yourself. Its no biggie if you have to go under the knife and get some plastic surgeries done, its all for a good cause, you have to get the guy don't you? Also, running away from home is perfectly acceptable.

2. Its perfectly ok to commit suicide.

3. Girls - the word independence does not apply to you. You always always must depend on a guy for help, for support, to get you out of trouble etc etc etc.

4. Nice guys always always always finish last.

Stories based on these lovely morals have now become a worldwide hit. What is pathetic really is the fact that apparently sane, educated, adult, independent women who would go apeshit on your ass if you say the same things that these stories are teaching are going gaga over this series. This is actually sickening and the worst form of hypocrisy.

Meister doesn't care what other people like. But whoever likes this series are hereby disqualified from ever uttering the words "male chauvinist" and "sexist" ever again.

Meister has lost all respect for women who actually like this stuff.

To Do

There's this football lingo thingy around. It starts with "To do". It describes some specific actions some specific guy is famous for. For example: "To do a Zamora" means hitting the ball 20 feet above the goal post. So, taking that "to do" thing and putting it to people whom the Meister knows, this is what is there.

To do a Satarupa - add family as friends on facebook / reject vehemently the theory that she is indeed an intellectual / try and find any molecule of intellectuality/deep philosophical insights in Meister's blog posts

To do a Sandy - obsess about LFCs / smoke / destroy the hopes, dreams, aspirations of Champs League finalists

To do a Mithila - disagree with just about everything fat, bald, bearded people say / disappear for months / not pick up phones

To do a Premankur - take your foot and put in into your mouth - repeat ad infinitum / lose all your important stuff on the very 1st day in a new place / eat only soup

To do a Runa - get drunk and start singing old Hindi songs / cheat at Monopoly and other indoor board games

To do a Mythili - get thoroughly drunk/high and then go around claiming to be the only sober person around / take only 1 hour and 55 minutes to get prepared to go out

To do a Mhadeno - get spooked/scared crapless by cartoon ghosts / get high on cranberry juice

To do a Benny - get scandalised about each and every thing on this planet / change football teams every 2 months

To do a Koel - fall off every available surface/place known to man / flirt with bartenders while drunk (allegedly)....also see Jonathan

To do a Jonathan - compete with Jimbo to see who is lazier / flirt with/hug/kiss/dance/get thoroughly excited in the presence of - gay men (despite being straight {allegedly})

To do an Oren - use quilts during summer / go absent after inviting people over / have the most pathetic excuse for a beard...ever

To do an Ipshita - think continuously about something someone said for 8 days and get thoroughly depressed / change mind every fortnight / buy furniture

To do an Avijit - keep having accidents / caary on, just keep having accidents

To do a Krishnayan - buy things from the net / play every free team selecting game known to man

To do a Pallavi - dream about getting married for just about every minute of your life / cheat at Name Place Animal Things

To do a Shahir - lose your way / be RHMs of CEOs

To do a Shailaja - be freakishly enthusiastic about everything / keep calling 1 friend with another friend's name / yawn when a particular friend calls

To do a Minakshi - work everyday of the week / walk out from cinema halls / love the most anti-feminist/sexist/chauvinistic piece of literature written in the last 150 years

To do a Souro - have OCD / write poems to Sirisha / try flirting with pork as subject matter / like, dream, obsess, have a fetish about - trains

To do an Ananya - don't talk to guys / dance at 3 AM

To do an Ayush - burn your balls - figuratively, metaphorically, literally / lose all self-respect or dignity

To do a Tasneem - become a correspondent for every gossip-mongering tabloid journal of this planet / to bitch about anything and everything / backstab

ohh how could the Meister forget

To do a Prashanti - be a selfish, egomaniacal, narcissistic, pampered, spolit slave owner/slave driver