Balls

Yes balls


Balls and Meister have a deep and intimate connection....and by that Meister doesn't not mean his own balls. Those useless pieces of crap hanging between the Meisterlegs have long ago stopped working demanding work.


Meister means football.


See, the Meister has been rejected by all and sundry (except doggies). Sooner or later everybody rejects the Meister -  its kinda like the national pastime actually. Even Meister's own body parts have recently joined the exodus so to speak.


So in this whirlwind of rejection, it was extremely satisfying and gratifying for the Meister to realise that footy still hasn't.


He is as fat as a hippopotamus and as unfit as Ayush Prasad's brain, but hey, his footy skills are still top notch. Despite being the world's heaviest goalkeeper, he played a large and successful part in his team finishing 3rd in he recently concluded footy tournament.

Of course he wasn't in Buffonesque territory, but he did make quite a few saves, some of them quite good saves also, and he flapped and jumped around the place, with not a single iota of thought about the repercussions on his body, like a baboon on steroids.

What's the most gratifying thing is that his team mates appreciated his efforts.......in this sea of rejection, abuse and criticism, its like a beacon of joy....the Meister is not completely and utterly useless.

The Meister abides..or rather the Meister's footy skills abide.



Oh btw, on the subject of balls, our dear ol Taco Bell Girl has recently discovered that she possesses some mysterious super power - and a super power that makes all men flinch in fear also (except the Meister - who has nothing really to lose and Ayush - who is too stupid to notice anything and has anyway burnt his).

Yes people, that's right, she can make balls disappear from her hands!!!!!!

Poor future husband is all the Meister can say in this matter

Antels and Oranges

Oranges have crept in the Meister's life lately (due to no fault of his own though)

It all started when the Uber Antel wanted a book about oranges and bananas etc titled Oranges are Not the Only Fruit. Meister, being a simple proletariat thought that it was a book about fruits and farming etc. So he ordered the book via internet.



Everything hunky dory so far.



But the book never arrives and the Uber started asking pointed questions etc etc.

Meister got really worried and scared. So he called up the booksellers. Those muppets said that the book has gone out of stock and that they will be refunding the money.

The Meister got really scared. He did not want to get shouted at. He started thinking of what to do.


Finally he got the brilliant brainwave (he is really smart you know....just a bit slow) of looking at other bookshops and sites. Alas, it was not there in any of the other websites.


Moreover, it turns out that the book is about lesbians......one of the censored words in office computers or something.


So he decided to browse through Landmark and Crossword. Alas, again - their websites suck. He tried looking at the British Council index but soon realised that like a dynamic dimwit, he had forgotten his password etc.


So he decided to call Landmark (Crossword website directs user to Shopper's Stop - foocking muppets).


So, Meister called Landmark

M: I want Oranges are not the Only Fruit

Landmark Employee: I am sorry Sir! We don't have oranges here. We don't sell fruits.

M: Nono, I don't want oranges or bananas. I want a book. It is called Oranges are not the Only Fruit.

LE: I don't think we have any books on fruits and vegetables right now Sir.

M: Nono, its not about fruits, its ablout lesbians.

LE: Eh?

M: Yep, it is a book by a lady called Jeannette Whatshername.

L: I am sorry sir but we don't have any such book at the moment.

M (in a rare moment of lucidity and on the spot intelligence): OK, what about your branches in the other cities? Do they have it?

L: If you place an order Sir, then we can get it for you.

M: Get it man, get it. Its a foocking emergency. No beard is safe!!!

L: Errr Sir? Excuse me?

M: Never mind, just get the book as soon as you can. Here's my number.


Couple of days later ,they called saying that they have found the book in one of their other branches and should they get it? Meister went: yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

A couple of days later they again called saying Sir Sir we got it etc. Upon hearing it Meister rode like the wind (well a very slow wind as the max speed of his scooter is 25 km/hr) and bought it and later in the evening gave it to the Uber one.


In the meantime, on Sunday he was assaulted with a deadly weapon. Well, a semi-deadly weapon anyway.

Meister's lips have gone all bionkers....some thing about vitamin deficiency or something. When Meister told Uber this, she gave an evil laugh - thereby scaring both the Meister and the autowallah and then she brought out a jar.



And then she scooped some chemicals out of it



And then she assaulted the Meister. She pounced on him and before he could defend himself put them chemicals on his lips. It was petroleum jelly and it tasted and smelt like oranges.


Meister couldn't taste anything apart from oranges for the next 48 hours or so.



To put the cherry on the top, Meister got tea with an orange inside it at Pizza Hut - though he had ordered for lemonade.

Sisyphean Masochism

According to them Greek fellas, Sisyphus was a bit of a bar stud. He also decided to tangle with them Olympians (never a good idea in the best of times - look at what happened to that poor bugger Prometheus and that arsehole Tantalus) and pissed the crap out of Ares. He also had the temerity to rat out Zeus (father of all luj characters), while he was foocking some river god's daughter.

 

Result - Tartarus for all eternity, and not a jobless banishment, the dude would have to push a rock up a steep mountain, only to have the rock roll down....and this till the end of time. (well technically he did get a break once - according to that fella Ovid anyway...apparently he sat down and listened to the songs of Orpheus). Suffice to say that as far as punishments go, this is right up there as one of the meanest.

 

Ever since, pointless or futile activities which are doomed to fail are often described as Sisyphean.

 

 

Which brings us to the Meister. Critics opine that his whole life is Sisyphean in nature. The Meister disagrees....albeit partially. There are only certain areas and aspects of the Meister's life which are Sisyphean in nature. The masochistic element comes in the picture because the Meister knows that these things are doomed and destined to fail, yet like a fool, like an idiot, like a muppet etc etc he persists in doing them anyway.

 

 

1.  Falling in love

 

Let's look at this objectively .....girls like

 

• powerful guys
• smart guys
• intelligent guys
• handsome guys with good bodies
• rich guys
• tall guys
• guys with long hair
• guys with devil may care attitude
• guys with charisma

 

And then there is the Meister - the exact opposite of  each and everything on that list. So, its a foregone conclusion that those of the oestrogenic persuasion are never going to find the Meister attractive.

 

Despite knowing this, the damn fool went and did it anyway - the idiot fell in love.

 

Sisyphean masochism at its best.

 

 

2. Dreaming

 

Statistically, it has been proven that none - not a single one - of the Meister's dreams has ever come true. So one should assume that the dumbass would stop dreaming shouldn't he?

 

Wrong

 

Showing extreme varieties and severe symptoms of masochism, the numbnut keeps on dreaming and hoping et for things to happen. He even makes plans etc.

 

Perfect examples would be him dreaming about and making plans for visiting London, Bangaladesh and Ajanta Ellora (which is slowly looking like the blood Grail Quest) - all of which have totally and utterly fallen flat due to various reasons.

 

And yet, now he is thinking of a trip to the mountains...which judging by past performance will also be cancelled.

 

Examples can also easily be fouund from his education and career.

 

 

3. Supporting Chelsea in Europe

There is some sort of fatality involeved here.

In the last few years Chelsea have lost in Eurorpe due to:

• Manager Claudio Ranieri making weird subs during halftime which comepletely ruined the balance of the side (Chelsea was leading at halftime); thereby letting the opposition score 3
• Luis Garcia of the damnfools getting awarded a goal despite the ball never going beyond the line
•  John Terry - the captain- falling flat on his arse while taking the last shot in a tie breaker (Chelsea was ahead - the prancing show pony hermaphrodite's shot was saved earlier by Cech; had Terry scored, Chelsea would have been the European champions) and subsequently sending the ball as away from the goal as humanly possible
•  The referee not giving 4, yes 4 penalties which would have sealed victory against the Barca boys (Chelsea was the only team i nthe world who stopped Barca from scoring for 180 minutes)
• Jose Mourinho, the Special One - a manager who Roman fired as the manager of Chelsea, and who in his first visit back as the manager of another team - Internazionale as it happens - plotted and made the perfect tactics and subs to eliminate Chelsea

So, if you wanna see Sisyphean endeavours with a dollop of masochism, and you don't wanna go to Tartarus, look no further than our very own Meister

Moi Oyis Moi Oyis

Meister had pain in his oyis, so Meister went to the opthalm....optom.... eye doctor dude.

He happily went and sat down in the chamber and the doc asked him what's wrong.

Meister replied: "Moi oyis hurt". The doc said "hmmm" and then he asked the Meister about his profession, lifestyle etc. Upon hearing that the Meister is a wanker, he said: "you are a pervert you sick bastard".

Meister said: "naaahahaaa... I wank only at home in complete privacy, if you want to see a pervert, then look no further than Jonny Honey. We even have a song for him......

"Some men like women

And some men like men

And then there's Jonathan

Who just goes around touching himself

Lalalalalalallalalla..........."

And he does that anywhere and everywhere

The doc became all serious and stuff and declared: "I am gonna test your eyes. So sit there." Meister sat, the doc ordered him to "open wide" - his oyis of course. So the Meister made his oyis as big as possible, upon which the doc poured some acid into them.


Yes, people, the sick son of a mongoose poured some acid into the Meister's oyis.


Meister started writing in pain and shouting "moi oyis, moi oyis" and "why doc why?"


The doc laughed in a theatrical manner and declared: "I am an agent of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz and I have been ordered to hurt you and torture you by the great one himself. I have been waiting for my chance for 5 years now. Now I will make you sumbit in the altar of the Chunku"


Meister shouted: "Neverrrrrrrr, you may take moi oyis, but you will never take moi....err....what do you want again?"


Doc said: "I want you to conced to the Great Chunku"

Meister said: "No way, do whatever you want, I dare you" - which on hindsight was not a smart thing to say, but hey what the hell, whatever else he might be, noone can accuse the Meister to be smart.


So, the doc started paper whipping Meister's oyiballs.

Meister started shouting: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paper whipping will only make my cry"

The doc got all confused and said: "Eh? That does not even rhyme!!"


The Meister replied: "Its post-modern"


The doc then said: "Hmmm, it seems stronger measures are necessary. I didn't want to do it, but you made me do it. Now there's no turning back." And he brought out a contraption which closely resembles an iron maiden (the medieval torture device, not the muppety rock and roll version).

He put the Meister's face into it and then started poking Meister's irises with a poking thingy and beamed compious quantities of laser stuff into his eyes to make him blind. He started shouting: "So, Meister, do you want this to stop? All you have to do is to declare that the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is god's gift to boudis!!"

Meister said: "Oi am a man of moi words. Oi have already declared that

a. there is no god

b. the Great Indian Chunkubaaz is mother nature's gift to the hair gel industry

So, there is no way in hell Oi am declaring anything else. "

The doc looked at the Meister in awe and wonder and respect and said: I concede. Now I know why the Great Chunku is so scared of you. You are the 1st person who could resist the torture."

Meister replied: "This was nothing. Nothing Oi tell ya. Recently I survived an experience so horrible, so horrific, so horrendous, so hideous, so heinous, so abhorrent, so inquitous, so flagitous, so despicable, so repugnant, so execrable, so nefarious, so pernicious that after that everything else looks like breakfast, nothing on earth, hell, purgatory or Pakistan can even come close to that torture."

Doc asked: "What happened?"

Meister replied: "Oi had to look at and listen to Ayush Prasad continuously for 3days"

In the future

2000 years in the future....the world is a post apocalyptic barren wasteland. Humanity has been wiped off (probably because of something Ayush Prasad did). Some researcher from some alien planet comes to earth and does some excavations and digs up, amongst other things,

















the Meister's pants





They see that it is a highly stained affair. They decide do an analysis of it, you know one of them forensic ones. Guess what they will find??













(stop thinking obscene stuff you people with dihtyy minds)













They will find some weird medical gel, mayonese(sic), sweet onion sauce, honey mustard sauce, tea, coffee, chocolate milkshake, some banana-blackcurrant milkshake, chicken curry, oil from fried potatoes, biscuit crumbs, cookie crumbs, some greasy stuff from mashed potatoes, coleslaw, some poshto seeds, some greasy oily stuff from some French food, some pastaesque soup whose name starts with an m, navratan korma, paneer mushroom curry and some thums up.





Yes people, Meister has been eating and spilling things on his pants as if there's no tomorrow.

Its all part of the Meisterplan - the one which involves him eating so much that his arteries and veins get pissed off and quit working.

Yes people, Meister is going to eat and eat till either the food runs out in the planet or his internal organs go ka blooey and he finally dies.

Kooky people, these doctors

Well, it was time for the Meister's quarterly visit to the land of the sickos. So Meister went to Yashoda.




And found out that his cardiologist has run away....... yes people facing the prospect of facing the Meister again, the dude just quit.

And so began Meister's bugging of the recpetionists et all to give him another doctor. However, whoever they called up seemed to be mysteriously either out or away or busy. Finally after what seemed like an eternity (15 mins) they found dude who was stuck in the ICU/ICCU.

So off Meister went to the 4th floor and met the doctor (nice lad) who took one look at the Meister and shouted "lose weight you fat bastard". he also told Meister to undergo a plethora of tests. A dispirited Meister trudged back.

Next day, with encouragement from parents and curses from his boss (Meister had to take a half day) Meister went back to get his tests done.
After paying what seemed like the GDP of a small nation, they allowed the Meister to proceed to room 1 where a muppet took a bigass syringe and plunged it straight into Meister's veins and drew a few litres of blood.

Then they kicked him out.


So the Meister was loitering around the hospital pointing at sick and injured people calling out "muppet" etc when a nurse came and gently and firmly took him into a room, ordered him to take off his shoes and shirt (not his pants...noone wants to take off the Meister's pants...sigh poor Meister), lie down on a bed and then poured about a litre of gel. The Meiter, utterly bewildered and feeling like the Great Indian Chunkubaaz's hair, was wondering what the hell was going on when this dude who looked like a wrestler came up and started navigating all over the Meister's chest with a joystick. Apparently, they were taking a picture of the Meister's heart or something.



Why anyone would want to take a picture of the Meister's heart is flabbergasting.........


Weird people these doctors.



Anyway, once they finished taking pictures of his heart, they dragged him to another room and this time poured a litre of gel on his tummy. Meister was highly indignant and was shouting at them to stop messing around with his tummy. They ordered the Meister to "shut the foock up fatso" and told the meister that they are going to do some Renal Artillery Doffler.

Meister got scared, artillery activities inside the tummy are never a good idea. The Meister was about to protest vehemently and quote the Rights of Man when they explained to the Meister that it's not Artillery but Arterial. They told the Meister that they would take pictures of the Meister's kidneys and renal artreries etc.



Strange people, these doctors.





Anyway, then the nurse left and brought on reinforcements in the form of a lady doctor. She also came armed with a joystick, but she took one look at the Meister's exposed tummy and ran away shouting for mummy etc.

So now it was the turn of a really senior doctor. He came with a joystick and immediately ordered the Meister to hold his breath and started to poke and prod his tummy. Apparently the apparatus etc couldn't see anything because of the presence of an immense quantity of fat. So the docotr rolled up his sleeves and decided to really have a go. It was borderline grievous bodily harm (a certain Uber's speciality).



The Meister is sure that irrep....irrev....irre..... some serious harm was done to his kidneys etc.



Anyway armed with the plethora of test reports, Meister went in search of the doctor. He found the doctor hiding in the ICU/ICCU. Upon seeing the Meister the doctor again shouted "didn't I tell you to lose weight you fat son of a mongoose". With a weary sigh and incessant grumblings et all the doctor looked at the reports and prescribed a plethora of medicines and ordered Meister "to take these medicines untill and unless he felt like he is dying.....upon which he should go and jump into the Hussain Sagar."




Peculiar people, these doctors.

Ignoracne is Bliss

Yesterday/today morning (Meister gets confused by time) the Sexy Auntie flew to LA LA Land, which btw is slowly getting filled up by sexy female linguists from India (and that hirsute fella).

So hearing that she is leaving, Meister went to wave tata to her at her place.....and guess what happened?

She banged the door on Meister's face even before he could enter.

This after a week when the Meister got dumped for a party (that Meister can understand - parties generally being more interesting and better than the Meister) and was politely informed (after an invitation to come visit mind you) that if he does come then he has to loiter around on his own as the hostess will have much more important (and naturally better) things to do

Sigh, nobody wants the Meister to come.

Except Meister's dear friend the Count Luigi di Jimborghini or Jimbo as he is commonly referred to. Although it might be because he is a stupid bastard, but the look of joy on Jimbo's face and the frantic circular movement of his tail more than makes up for the looks of disgust, disdain and exasperation that inadvertently/deliberately comes to people's faces when the Meister turns up at their door.

Ah the Meister - loved by animals, hated/disliked/barely tolerated by mankind

Unfortunately, Jimbo's expression of joy often manifests itself through his bloody nails as a result of which the Meister's hands are now full of deep and profound scratches.

Anyway, after the Meister begged entrance to Auntie's place, Auntie gave him some Japanese drink, unfortunately and evocatively called SUSU. It tasted awesome. Those damn Jappies are good at making everything - electronics, cars, bikes, animation, films, porn and now drinks.

However, if SUSU is indeed made up of the susu of any animal, then please refrain from pointing in out to the Meister - in his case ignorance is bliss. After the last couple of weeks that he had had, he does not need to know that he had gone and drunk something just 1 organ away from crap.

Suicide

You know that Meister wants to commit suicide don't you? Well, if you didn't know you do. Now Meister knows what you are pondering. You are pondering

Why Meister Why?

Well, let the Meister regale you with the story of a typical day in the Meister's life.

As a lot of things start, this also starts with a dream. People dream and fantasise right? Sometime about love and sex etc also right?

Meister does also. Unfortunately, in the Meister's case, even in his dreams and fantasies, he never gets sex. Other people have sex, Meister gets rejected and shouted at.

So in Meister's case, dreams imitate reality. Sigh

So with a heavy heart, Meister gets up, and the power goes off. Meister goes to office. En route he gets overtaken by all and sundry including a bicycle, a running kid, a lost tortoise and a lazy snail.

He also did get to see 7 - yes thats right 7 - scooters each with 2 females all wearing jackets and sweaters and other assorted paraphernilia. Just for the record it was bloody hot, Meister was sweating despite wearing only a thin cotton shirt and a jeans.

Anyway, he reached office only to find out that it was the last day for tax filing. Consternation etc prevailed. Anyway he had to finish a batch of work all hurriedly and stuff in order to go back home and therein laid another problem.

You know that the Meister moves around in an e-scooter. Well with a top speed of 25 km/hr it is not suited for emergencies. So Meister had to beg his colleagues for the use of their vehicles. From previous experience Meister knew that Mr. V's Honda has a teenie weenie problem - brakes are temeperamental, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. So Meister asked Lil McD for the use of his 2 wheeler.

When it was time for Meister to leave office, the power went off - meaning the lifts stopped working and Meister had to climb down 5 floors worth of stairs. So he went down all tired and wilted and hopped on the vehicle and discovered that

The left brake is more or less a figment of imagination, there are no rear view mirrors and the whole chassis shakes like a skeleton doing the rumba during an earthquake

Suffice to say that Meister's BP went up up and away.

Anyway he managed to reach home without any incident and collapsed once in. So what happens - the power goes off yet again. A hat trick.

Anyway, Meister starts searching for his LIC, ICICI, PROv Fund, Mediclaim et all certificates....and continues searching frantically....scaring MidasDude in the process btw.

After half an hour of frantic searching and destroying his apartment Meister finally found his stuff....and felt so bad that he had to lie down for a few minutes.

By this time his BP had more or less reached the stratosphere.

Anyway, after lying down and calming down etc, he went on the return journey and it was hot. It was so hot that by the time Meister reached office, he had lost about a couple of litres in sweat.

So he goes back to office, submits his papers etc, collapses on his chair............................................

and gets an interview call

Even on a good day, Meister is not a good interviewee, forget a bad day. Meister has no clue what he rambled. Suffice to say the company hasn't called back.

So with a heavier heart et all, Meister gets to work and continues working till its time to leave.

So after finishing a loooooooooooooooooong day, Meister goes to the parking lot and sees that some bastard had again tried to steal his scooter.

So the was tired, sad and pissed off. But hey who cares about the Meister.

Anyway he comes home - after buying some chicken curry from Garden. He thought that rice and chicken curry would be a good dinner.

But, Uber called him up to say she wants to go out for dinner with Hippo and Weirdaccent and asked whether he wants to join them. Meister thinking that it would be somewhere nearby agrees. So he goes to the campus and

somehow someway

his scooter key gets stuck inside the lock.

After an hour of futile pulling and pushing and oiling et all the key came out but the lock broke :-(

So there was no other option than to physically manhandle the scooter to the parking lot and keeping it there. Hippo and Midas helped.

Even then it was almost too much for Meister's wee lil heart. So he sat down and while panting found out that the the assorted intelligentsia wanted to go to Indijoes in foocking Banjara Hills!!!!! Meister was about to say no thank you when thankfully they decided that its too far.

So this is more or less a typical day in the Meistric life. And this goes on over and over and over.....like that groundgog day thingy.

So now you know why he wants to commit suicide.

And guess what? he has found the perfect way how to. All he needs to do is to stop taking his medicines. After 1 day of not taking medicines he becomes a virtual vegetable. After 1 month, death via heart attack is more or less guaranteed.

Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Calamity......

Its over, its over, the Meister's life is over....somebody kill the Meister, kill the Meister now.

The Meister had lost quite a lot of things in life...some he misses desperately, some he doesn't give a foock about.....he had never had quite a few things in life as well. But amongst everything, one thing which he had always had is his beard.

Yes the Meisterbeard - the flowing locks which are a source of intense attraction (not sexual, only sadistic) for a certain Uber and which brought forth gargantuan jealousy from a certain Great Indian Chunkubaaz (him possesing a total of 16 miserable looking stubble)

But alas, like every other part/organ of his body, the beard has started disintegrating also. Yesterday while shampooing his beard, Meister found out, to his heartbreak, that 8 of them have resigned and have come off.

Its the beginning of the end.

But its ok, at least Meister has a girlfriend....oh....ok he has his football...oh hang on.....ok then he has a great job......errr......ok ok he at least has his health...oh crap

As the Meister said - Agony, Armageddon,Anguish, Calamity, Cataclsym, Catastrophe, Devastation, Despair, Desolation, Dibacle, Doom, Gloom, Misery, Ruin, Woe...........

Them Proverbs

Meister was recently thinking about proverbs. Don't ask why. Anyway, while thinking of them proverbs, he realised that quite few of them have become outdated or are simply wrong.

And because the Meister has all the time in the world, he is going to do a commentary on some of them.

A Bird in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush

This always always makes the Meister smile :-)

A good beginning makes a good ending

The Meister is living proof that that is pure bunkum. He has sat through crappy movies and read quite a few crappy books in his time. You people will also probably feel the same way once you rech the end of this blog :-)

A good man is hard to find

Hulloooo, the Meister is right here

A miss is as good as a mile

Doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Meister would have understood had it said a miss is as good as a missus or for those of a feministic inclination - a miss is good as a mister.

He would have even understood had it said - a miss is as good (or even better) as/than a Meister, but a mile. How a mile comes into the picture is just confusing.

Don't cross the bridge till you come to it

How else in hell's name is a person supposed to cross it then? Some of these things are just weird the Meister swears.

Every Jack has his Jill

Should be disqualified for being utterly and pathetically wrong. How is it wrong you ask?

Well Exhibit A - Meister

Fight fire with fire

Meister just hopes that some silly ass have not gone and told the firefighters this. The last time they tried it, this was the result - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Fire_of_London

Flattery will get you nowhere

Whoever came up with this have clearly never worked in an Indian company.

Good things come to those who wait

27 years 11 months and 5 days and still waiting.......

He who laughs last laughs longest

Now this the Meister agrees is often true. But then again, it is true because generally the person concerned is a tube light (you know someone who understands something half an hour after everyone else have undrstood it)

Hard work never did anyone any harm

This is the sort of thing them capitalist bosses or them rich landowners come up with in order to retain their imperialistic hegemony over money.

Off with their heads the Meister says, power to the people the Meister says,

Liberty, Equality etc etc the Meister says

but then again, that means Meister would technically be equal to Ayush Prasad

so, in that case, Status Quo should be maintained the Meister says

It never rains but it pours

Maybe in England or Cherapunji but definitely not in Hyderabad

It's never too late

That suspiciously sounds like Fergie time

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Now this, amongst all the proverbs makes the Meister go bananas. This is a statement of such astounding muppetery, that the Meister is speechless.

Thankfully, this is a blog and so the Meister can still write.

What kind of a sick pathetic inhumane joke is that? What twisted sadistic mind can even conceive of such a thing? Oh, yes that its that tone deaf bourgeois Tennyson....foocking hell man, you should have stuck to all them Lady Shallott, Lotos Eaters and Light Brigade stuff. You have no clue how badly it hurts, mate, falling in love and getting rejected. Be glad Emily didn't reject you.

Of course, Meister is a reasonable man and he will give you the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that you really were talking about your favourite footy team loosing a match, in which case all is forgiven (unless you were a Manure, in which case double curse you)

Less is more

Eh? Its like saying darkness is light, evil is good, Gary foocking Neville is human, Ayush Prasad is smart etc etc

Let the dead bury the dead

How lazy are we as a species???????????

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

6 words - 4 of them redundant. The proverb would have been much more genuine and succint had it stated

Marry - Repent

Never judge a book by its cover

Unless said book is a book written by some Serbian fella with a Polish name (or some Polish fella with a Serbian name...Meister never remembers). Same refutation also applies to all antel books and anything written by Iris Murdoch, Thomas Hardy, Stephanie Mayers or for that matter anything in the Mills and Boons series.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Another one which Meister does not understand. Sound advice though. As in if someone gives you a horse, why look at its mouth?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

May be applicable for some insensitive fellas or some hard nutters, definitely for the Meister.

The child is the father of the man

This just bewilders the Meister. What does this mean? Is it promoting incest or something? Even then, Meister would have thought it physcially impossible for the child to be the father of man. Its too complicated for a simple mind like the Meister's. That psycho fella Freud would have had a field day with it though.

The best things in life are free

Lets see shall we?

Watching footy - not free

Cake - not free

Potatoes - not free

Chocolate - not free

Ice cream - not free

Alcohol - not free

Getting abuse and being shouted at by all and sundry - free

Go figure

The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Now this the Meister wholeheartedly agrees with

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Now who in their right minds would want to catch flies uis beyond the Meister.

What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

Something tells the Meister that the numpty who came up with that was deaf

You can have too much of a good thing

That just does not make any sense at all. Is it saying that too much footy is a bad thing? IS it? Seriously? And before any muppet starts claiming tht the proverb does not say 'cannot' Meister would advice them all to go and check their school grammar to figure out the connotaions of the word 'too'

You can't make bricks without straw

Maybe in the 16th century, not now....some one update this....you can have something like

You can't make coffee without milk

Meister knows that technically you can and that there are some sad deluded numpties who actually drink that stuff, but coffee without milk is Guus-awful that it is better to drink one's own pee...that at least is allegedly good for health.

Two heads are better then one

A mysoginist proverb!! Who would have thunk!! And funnily enough the muppet feminists haven't figured it out yet.

Does the Meister have to spell it out?

Think about it?

Who has two heads?

Men do...one on the top of their neck and the other on the top of their doodah.

This reminds the Meister of that old joke - you know the one about Why are men better thinkers and women better talkers?

Coz men have two heads and women have four lips

There's more than one way to skin a cat and There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream and Give a dog a bad name and hang him

Animal cruelty!!!!! Which sick bastard wants to do that??!!!!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Meister really can't argue with that now can he :-) Although supporting the man's footy club would also help.

There are two sides to every question

Oh yeah? Pray tell the two sides of the question - What is your name?

The only good Indian is a dead Indian

Even the foocking Paki bastards have a proverb of their own!!!!!!!

The husband is always the last to know

The Meister would respectfully and vehemently like to disagree and refute this. It is usually the Meister who is the last to know.

The good die young

Nonsense...Exhibit A - the Meister...he is still alive isn't he?

Only fools and horses work

What about the Meister then? He knows he is not a horse, he has a certificate and everything. So if he is not a horse, does that mean he is a......oh crap

As Depressed as a Drunk Skunk in a Funk

A few of you had recently asked why the Meister had been in a funk lately. Well here goes....

Reasons for Meister's latest bout of dumdumness can be categorised in the following ways.

a. Office

This has to do with el bastardo, Meister's boss. The dynamic dumbass forced the Meister to stay in office till 11 and why? Because His Dastardiness had gone cavorting with some client in the afternoon and evening. That coupled with the attitude that Meister's work is never good enough, even if Meister follows instructions to the inch. In such cases, as he cannot say anything else, he will play the ultimate trump card - client feedback.

b. Health

Meister really doesn't need to say anything about this now does he? The whole of last week, he was suffering despite taking all his medicines dilligently etc etc Also, the lack of sleep had taken a huge toll......by the end of the week, he had run out of fuel as well as reserves....he was tottering around on fumes.

c. Lady Talkslalot

Last weekend, Meister, upon hearing of the existence of custard, had invaded Talksalot's premises, for said custard. In the ensuing conversations, Meister got to know that Talkslaot had a recent hike. Meister demanded a party or rather food. Talksalot said she will. On Tuesday, while chatting, when Meister asked her about time and place, she ran away (virtually of course) and wnt AWOL. Her excuse later was that she didnt see the chat message. She did offer to give him food but the Meister doesn't want pity food.

d. Dreams

Ahhh, Freudian territory.

Meister had a dream, involving You Know Who. Now Meister usually only dreams about football, so this was weird.

In the dream, Meister was going to office in a train (probably MMTS). He was with some unidentifiable friend. All of a sudden he saw You Know Who going into the ladies compartment. He was astounded, astonished, flabbergasted etc etc. He couldn't believe his eyes. He asked his friend did you see her? Is she really there? Whats she doing there?

Imagine Meister's consternation when the friend told Meister that she had married Kirti (don't ask why, no clue why his name came into the procedings...hell at least it wasn't Ayush Prasad.....that would have prompted Meister to drive to the top of the STFLMNDI overbridge, drink a bottle of rat poison, stab himself multiple times with a knife and then jump from the top of the bridge in the path of an incoming train) and had been living in Hyd for the last 1 year. Meister was heartbroken, and so devastated that he woke up.

Now the Meister has rationally (or what goes for rationale in his head anyway) analysed the dream and he has come to this conclusion. Its not the fact that she has married.....just because the Meister can't marry doesn't mean that she shouldn't....Meister is perfectly reconciled to hear about her marriage at any moment of time. What hurt the Meister was the fact that she didn't even tell the Meister...well she didn't really have to, but it would have been nice tho......its as if

i. Meister doesn't matter...which is sad

ii. she doesn't trust the Meister in some ways...which is also sad

e. Ayush Prasad

A lil bit of him is ok, say for 13 seconds...but a whole lot of him just drives the Meister bananas.

3 days of Ayush brings Meister to suicidal or homicidal territory.

What makes it even worse is that he had promised Don Uber that he won't be nasty at Ayush. When Meister makes a promise, he keeps it......but man alive it was harsh...it was easily one of the closest Meister has ever been to breaking a promise.

Meister can't help it. The moment Ayush's mouth opens, Meister itches to kick him in the bollocks.... and this despite the fact that Meister belives and practices that ancient gentleman's code... Thou Shalt not Kick Thy Opponent in the Bollocks

f. Ayush has a girlfriend

In fact he had 1 earlier, now he has another one. James Michal has had gfs, despite him thrashing them. Shray has/had 1. The Great Indian Chunkubaaz had had about 3 dozen. Every Tom, Dick and Son of a Mongoose has, had, will have gf(s).

Noone for the Meister. None. Not even 1. No woman, not 1 woman has ever liked him or loved him enough and is ever likely to (his mother and grandmother don't count).

g. Uber

Uber came up and told the Meister that she is going to make it up to him. Extremely kind of her and all that but Meister is not used to that kinda kindness and it just makes him confused.

It made him think about how he comes off - does he come off as a person who keeps a track, a ledger of favours etc? Its not as if he was helping the kid as the kid is a friend.
He would have done the same or whatever else required for anybody in the world - even Tasneem and Ayush. Honestly. Ok, after his latest revealations, maybe not Ayush.


h. Everyone shouts at the Meister

Everyone. Well almost everone. (In his 28 years of existence, there is just 1 person who has never - Merryaduck Brandybuck, Meister's friend from the age of 3.)

It doesn't matter what Meister does, how he behaves, sooner or later he pisses off and irritates everybody....with the result that they shout at him.
Everytime Meister thinks that ok, maybe this time there won't be a shout.......disappointment every time. It has come to such a situation that he expects to be shouted at every day, any day, any moment. To him it has become a matter of when, not if. Just like a dhobi's gadha who knows the whip is coming, Meister also knows that its coming.

It makes the Meister want to just throw in the towel and just to end it all.

So now you all know. Enough of this type. The regular Meister will be back with a new post in no time.

A Sour Taste in the Mouth

Meister had promised himself that he wouldn't do this...that he wouldn't base himself or degrade himself like this...however unfortunately, being human (yes yes he knows it seems unlikely that a human can be this ugly, but it is true nonetheless, he has a certificate and everything) he is doing it.

So here goes, a post on Ayush Prasad.

Yes, the same Ayush Prasad who burnt his own balls.

And going against his every instinct and fighting his own flesh and blood and nerves et all, Meister will try not to use a single adjective to describe said person.

Last week, there was some extreme bruhaha in campus, by that the Meister means the campus where he spent 2 years of his life. The Jatobsesser got thrashed badly by her boyfriend.....on her birthday nonetheless...poor kid...anyway, as a result entered Ayush Prasad, all paragon of virtue and beacon of morality, in the scene.

Lacking any sense of practicality whatsoever, Ayush naturally started quoting philosophy and lecturing the poor kid. The fact that she should be or might need to be taken to the doctor never entered his mind. Nor the fact that even an ice cube or a hug helps....or even food (yes Meister doesn't care what anyone says, food helps)

So once the lecture started, it continued for 3 continuous foocking days.

Now since Ayush Prasad loves nothing better in life than to talk about himself, every lecture, every moniologue, every discourse soon turned into something about him. And it was when he was talking about himself that he told the Meister that he is against the institution of marriage, how it is this and that etc etc. So Ayush Prasad had decided that he will participate in a novel form of protest against marriage.

So far so good?

Its all about the timing right?

So Ayush Prasad will protest against the institution of marriage while getting married.

So why is he getting married if he is so against the institution? Because he is scared....no this is not something Meister is alleging, this is what Ayush himself declared.

In the Meistric dictionary, there are a few words which are there to describe people like these. You know the sort of people who do not possess the courage to do what they preach.

The word hypocrite comes to mind. Woos is also applicable.

Coward is also highly appropriate.

But hey this is Ayush Prasad right, Meister guesses that while burning his physical balls, he also managed to burn his inner balls.

Another proof of which Meister received when he got to hear that Ayush Prasad himself had, as a proof of his masculinity, beaten up one of his former girlfriends.

Yes people, Ayush Prasad, the great protector of women and women's rights, had beaten up a woman.

However, since the Meister wasnt there when this action took place, he would be more than happy to delet this part of his blog and apologise to Ayush Prasad if he, or any of his friends or philopohers or guides, can prove that he didn't do it.

And he had the temerity to try and justify his actions in front of the Meister.

Anyway people,

do whatever you want Meister doesn't care.

But if you raise your hands on a woman or a child, don't do it in front of the Meister and don't try to justify yourself in front of the Meister.

There is NO JUSTIFICATION for beating up a woman or a child or for that matter anyone who is weaker than you - none whatsoever.