Lunacy is Not Hereditary

As mentioned in a previous post, the Meister has an eccentric family (understatement of the millenium). The Meister has decided to write a post about them to show the world...well...to show them why he is what he is...so here goes....

Exhibit 1

The Meister's Father - Dr. Bishanbindu Bandyopadhyay

• Got married in his early 20s, while being a research scholar
• Loves doing all kinds of mathematical calculations
  
• Once shouted "Shut up and Get out" to a guy standing on the street
  
• Used to play football well into his 40s
  
• Has been teaching in a girl's college for the last 3 decades
  
• Used to regularly tell the Meister "nobody ever becomes rich from studying"
• Is terrfied of the very notion of the Meister driving
• Gave 'carte blanche' to the Meister to do whatever he wants to, except Drugs, Suicide and Running away from home
  

Exhibit 2

The Meister's Mother - Dr. Udita Bandyopadhyay

• Refused to go to hospital after heart attack
  
• Blamed the Meister's unwillingness to marry as a reason for abovementioned heartattack
  
• Went and bought a fricking tree trunk......yep an actual tree trunk, and cut it into pieces and uses it as furniture
  
• Climbed scaffolding and chiselled.....yep actually did that with her own hands....a design on our house wall
  
• Completely changes her voice when talking on the phone
• Refuses to believe that the Meister is a loser in spite of all evidence to the contrary
• Tripped on her own leg and broke her foot
• Is interested in almost every damn thing on the planet, except sports
• Had a pet rat
• Once nearly drove herself into a pond (has subsequently stopped driving...to the great relief of all and sundry)

Exhibit 3

The Meister's Paternal Grandfather - Sushil Banerjee

• When he was young, madly fell in love with grandma, and went to future father-in-law and threatened to kidnap his daughter if he was not allowed to marry the girl. The Meister's existence proves that the threat worked.
  
• The Dude once beat up a guy thoroughly for misbehaving and showing attitude. At that time, Grandpa was 70 while the guy was around 50.
  
• Even now, in his 80s, the gentleman is a Vishwa Hindu Parishad activist.
  
• Is very interested in English films and English literature
  
• Regularly calls the Meister and asks questions like "What was the name of that film where....", "Where did I read about this character who....." and "What was the name of that actor who...."

Exhibit 4

The Meister's Paternal Grandmother - Purnima Banerjee

Fell in love with the abovementioned gentleman

Continued to eat hot and spicy stuff even after diagnosed with stomach cancer

Used to bug the Meister to get the Brahmin thread (The Meister never did and will never do)

Paternal Grandparents combined

Named their 4 kids - Bitanbindu, Bishanbindu, Bidita and Binita

Historical Footnote: The fathers of these 2 characters both rejected the opportunity to buy land and build homes in Kolkata and chose Chittagong and Naihati over Kolkata. 

That decision turned out well, didn't it?

Exhibit 5

The Meister's Maternal Grandfather - Tarapado Ghosh

Mathematics teacher........nothing else needs to be said now, does it?

But there are oh so many things to be said

Anecdotes: 

The gentleman was lying and wanted to change the fan speed. So, he first called for his wife, then his daughter, then the maid, all repeatedly, but since evryone was busy some where else nobody could answer. The gentleman, feeling who knows what, got up, got dressed and went out of the house...but still didn't change the fan speed.

The gentleman used to vigorously oil his hair everyday and brush them at least 2-3 times a day,...all this despite the fact that he had a cumulative 18 hairs. 

The gentleman was a lifelong communist, but poor!!!!! In this day and age when the very words 'poor' and 'CPM' coming together creates the world's best oxymoron, the gentleman lived on his pensions and did not take a single paisa from anyone

Exhibit 6

The Meister's Maternal Grandmother - Mukul Ghosh

The nicest of the lot, and the one whom the Meister loves the most. An extremely nice and patient woman. Unfortunately, she has the habit of  pestering the Meister to get married.....and you know what, she guesses about the Meister's love for the Special One and bugs the Meister to get married to her. If only she knew the truth....sigh

Gem of an Information

While the Meister's paternal grandfather is a VHP activist, his maternal grandfather was a lifelong memebr of the CPIM party.  Both of them wanted the Meister to follow in their footsteps. Imagine their chagrin and disappoinment when the Meister turned out to be like....well....like the Meister

Another gem of an information: The Meister's paternal great grandfather had the surname Chatterjee or Chattopadhyay and 14 kids. So, the elder kids had the surname Chatterjee. Later in his life, the gentleman got the title of Banerjee, and hence, the younger kids got the surname of Banerjee. The Meister's grandfather being the baby of the family at number 14, thus, got the surname of Banerjee or Bandhyopadhyay...........fun isn't it.........well unless you look at it from the Meister's point of view.....

The jackass has a voter's ID and Ration Card with the name Bishwaksen Banerjee and every other certificate and PAN Card with the name Bishwaksen Bandyopadhyay........resulting in an unfortunate quagmire...due to which there are problems with the Meister's passport....due to which the Meister cannot go to Bangal country.

Exhibit 7

The Meister's Uncles and Aunts

His uncle - Dr. Bitanbindu Bandyopadhyay

• Being the son of a VHP activist, is naturally a hardcore CPM supporter
  
• Mad about theatre and spends own time and money to act in an amateur group
  

His aunt - Dr. Basana Bandyopadhyay

• Regularly falls asleep while standing in a bus
  
• When her daughter was young , used to regularly 'motivate' her by saying "What will happen to you? You will end up begging on the streets!!"
  
• Can utter about 351 words per minute
  
• Regularly bugs the Meister to get married, as she has the weird notion that being the oldest, the Meister should get married first and only then her daughter can get married 

The above couple together has a passion for their 3 story house, which, unfortunately,

a. Despite the use of the best materials available, tend to soak water and create interesting patterns on the roof and walls, and 

b. Has the most horrendous set of stairs the Meister has ever seen (or at least had ever seen, untill he came to the Telugu country..........the Telugus are kings and masters of making stairs.....no 2 steps in a staircase has ever been made of the same size in the history of architechture in the Telugu country.........and also they have managed to make at least one staircase in EFLU as the Stairway to Heaven...it leads nowhere except a drop)

They named their kids Bijetri and Bibashwan

Another uncle - Subrata Ghosh

IIT passed Engineer, loves playing Sitar, and is completely dominated by his wife

Another uncle - Debabrata Ghosh

• Got married, got divorced and is once again moving around with a girlfriend!!!! talk about crazy!!!
  
• The same gentleman quit his job around 10 years ago and is now  an interior decorator
  
• The same gentleman, in his infinite wisdom, went and bought an apartment where already an old lady tenant is present, and who quite naturally, is refusing to vacate
  

Ex- aunt - Krishna Ghosh

• Used to pinch the bejeejus outof th Meister
  
• Adopted a mountain dog and in Kolkata used to make it wear doggy sweaters
  

Exhibit 8

The Meister's Cousins

• Ratul,  fell in love with and subsequently married the first girl he saw in one of them matrimonial websites, 
  
• Bijetri,  is studying Phd in Physiology (thus maintaining the family tradition) and falls in love every 4 months, 
  
• Soumi, quarelled with the Meister's mother so much they still aren't talking to each other (don't ask the Meister why they quarelled, all women are nuts) and is a Psycho something btw, 
  
• Anuja, went to Delhi for Phd and quit and then to USA for Phd and has quit again!!!!!
  
• Bibashwan, who looks like Guran of Phantom comics and who learnt 'miming'.......yes 'miming'
  

To make matters more interesting, the Meister has ended up with a roommate - The Great Indian Chunkubaaz -  who is interested in money, hair, Orkut and married women.

So, it is a damn miracle that the Meister has managed to retain his sanity despite spending copious amounts of time in this august company. It has not been easy. The continous struggle has cost the Meister his hair.  

But he has successfully managed to prove that Lunacy is not Hereditary.

What's in a Name!!!!

For as long as he can rememeber (roughly translated to a few months....the Meister's memory is horrendous to say the least...that's why out of every disease in the world...Alzheimers does not scare the Meister) theMeister has been ambivalent about his name.......not the elegant, debonair name of Shockmeister but the alias of Bishwaksen....which the Meister has been told conjures up images of Po the Panda or a half-man half-wus...... 

The Meister knows what you lot are thinking......how in the name of bejejus can 2 allegedly sane dudes name their kid Bishwaksen..........well their defence is "permanent insanity". Don't be mistaken, the Meister's whole family is insane. 

Show the Meister anothe family which has specimens with names like Bitanbindu, Bishanbindu, Bidita, Binita, Bishwaksen, Bijetri and Bibashwan...

A major chunk of the Meister's whole life has been spent trying to teach people how to pronounce his name...

Bishok, Bishwa and Bishak are quite common..........throughout his whole highschool years, his Economics teacher called him Boishakho and his Geography teacher - Bishwasena

So you can imagine the Meister's friustration during his formative years....but now as a soon-o-be-senile mature proletariat, he can appreciae and enjoy his name.

He can appreciate it more as he has become exposed to other gemstones of names, for example

Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, Benson and Hedges, Violence, Number 16 Bus Shelter, Variable and Midnight Chardonnay...all from New Zealand......if you don't believe the Meister go check BBC

and the following are commentators from BBC

Russell Sprout, London, UK

Ftango Molasses, London England

Craig Gogay, London, UK

Jenna Dana Bananarama Rater, Cardiff, Wales

C. Shaw, Portsmouth

Slick Bryn Davies, Manchester

Egnorwiddle Waldstrom , London, UK

Mangled Brown Fence-Post, London

The follwoing nameswere supplied by the Closet Newcastle Swupporter:

sincerely, bravery, shining star, joyfulness, twilight, Jeweller Synrem

all of them are real people.......Khasis rock!!!!

So, after looking at these pearls of wisdom which have fallen from the parents of all the above mentioned, and keeping in mind, his own family's eccentricity (understatement of the century), the Meister has decided that if he ever has kids, he is gonna name them any of the following

Bozo, Bambam, Balls, Bugger, Belial, Betal

Just another reason why no girl is gonna marry the Meister

Enterprise Engineers and Half-men Half-losers

The Meister got to know that Lady Dietsalot's (who went and changed her name from Lady Frustratedalot via avidavit ) future father-in-law is a Major General of the Indian Army....MAJOR GENERAL.....its just another reason why the Meister cannot attend Dietsalot's wedding in Orange Country.......the other reasons being a distinct lack of non-veg food, the high probability of the involvement of ghi in the procedings,  and the certain involvement of way too many girls in way too little space, as too many girls = too much noise = Meister feeling genocidal

and feeling genocidal in front of an Indian Army Major General is definitely not a good career move!!!

On another subject, Talksalot has decided to make a film, one of them literary metaphorical types wih full of allusions and symbolism etc etc..........from what the Meister could understand of the whole story...there will be lots of smoking and then in one shot there will be a camel, a goat and allegedly the Meister's face...the last 3 probably making up the holy trinity of ugliness...or more  probably the 3 are symbolic of perseverance, content and loserness......

Onto other news...the Meister got a holiday on Monday when he promptly fell sick again and could not go to office on Tuesday as well....another nail in the Meister's career at Huper....

talking of careers, The Meister got to know that Laugsalot's boyfriend DevDulal is an Enterprise Engineer and that his last project was making a tool for data about dead people in America!!!! Talk about interesting careers!!!!

The Meister would have loved to work with dead people, he feels a connection to them, but not to be.. he is stuck, at least for a couple of months, in a job where he is teaching banking and insurance suff to numbnuts.........the job of a half-man half-loser

Bug the Meister

The Meister has been bugged this week.....u lot are thinking when is the Meister not bugged??.....true true...but this week has been special

It all started on Sunday

After a period of around 10 days, the Special One pinged saying that she wanted to talk to the Meister later that night......but alas it was not to be (picturise sad emoticon)......its now Thursday and still no communication....the Meister waited and waited and waited and is still waiting......looks like he will just keep on waiting for the rest of his short life.....poor Meister

Then there's the curious incidents of the boss in the office time

For some reason the Meister's bosses hate him.....well frankly its not too surprising since the Meister also hates himself....but still the Meister is at a loss to explain the recent behaviour....the dude stopped giving work to Meister.....what it meant was the dude had more work for himself!!! The Meister being a nice guy asked for a meeting to churn out differences where the Dude did not come to the point about why he hates the Meister but instead went o ntalking about what is to be done etc etc....now the Dude has again given work back to the Meister...crazy dude!!!!

Then on Wednesday, the office lift stopped functioning just when the Meister entered the building...the Meister had to walk up the 7 floors. When the Meister finally reached the 7th floor, he saw that the lift started working again......damn lift

The next thing to bug the Meister was Talksalot's blog post.....a big post on that favorite topic of all feminists - male bashing.....how men are evil and exploitative and how all women are constantly oppressed and exploited by men and blah blah bhah and yes you guessed it blah......

The Meister is frankly tired off all these ramblings etc and does not want anythingto do with them. Being a man who firmly believes that actions speak louder than words he frankly hates all these academic activists who go around giving talks and holding discussions about "issues"...but not taking a single constructive actual step. .......Damn humbugs and hypocrites

The Meister is all for the opressed and the voiceless but these literary types, the so called 'cultural studies' group, frankly pisses him off. Make no mistake about it, this is nothing personal against Talksalot. The Meister really loves Talksalot and considers her as one of his closest friends...well his closest female friend anyway. He completely respects her feelings and her sentiments and views etc etc. Its really the hypocricy of the whole concept that bugs him.....if someone speaks about women's rights etc then that's cool and th right thing to do...but if someone talks about men...then wohh...he is a male chauvinist. Also though these people keep talking about equality, they don't want equality, they want special treatment. 

The Meister believes in honesty and so this duplicity pisses him off.....You can't have selective equality...either you are equal in which case you will be treated the same way as a man in which cae you should not get a single special priviledge or you should openly state that becuase you lot have been discriminated and exploited for centuries, you demand special rights and treatments.  The Meister has no problem if someone openly states the latter, its the duplicity and hypocricy in the demand for equality which bugs him.

Another thing which bugged the Meister was the fact that for some reason people started writing about vitamin c being a good skin toner in the Meister's blog for crying out loud!!!! 

Skin toner!!! Seriously??? Skin toner???? What the fuck???!!!!

Chicken Pox!!!!!

The Meister had just posted a ..er..post about a rooster when Bandankur called him up saying that he has chicken pox.

Here's what happened..

Baldankur had gone on a gomantic trip with a dude. Upon returning the other dude fell sick, and Baldankur made fun of him and so naturally at the tender loving age of 28, Baldankur got pox de chicken...(cue bad joke).... despite being a vegetarian!!!

Now sources say that the dude is more worried about the spots on his face than about anything else. Sources also claim that the guy is so worried about his new looks that he reportedly wants to die. His wish is for the Meister to write ghoulish posts about him after his death. At this juncture, the Meister politely asked Baldankur whether he was sure that its not smallpox, upon which Baldankur metaphorically slammed the phone down claiming that he doesn't want to listen to the Meister's bakhwas.

The Meister has 2 observations to make

1. Nobody dies from chicken pox anymore....at least not rich kids in metropolitan cities

2. The Meister will definitely be the first one to die amongst his friends (unless accidents happen) so asking the Meister to write posts after anyone else's death is hilarious.

Cock-a-Doodle-Fucking-Do

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against the Meister, especially when the Meister is sleeping. 

This has been going on for so long that it can't be a coincidence. 

First there are the damn birds. The stupid buggers always make it a point to come near the Meister's window...or at least used to prior to the Meister shifting to his current home.....to singtheir morning songs. The Meister has nothing against birds singing and trying to attract female birds in order to get laid....but why in the name of all that is short, sweet and bald do they have to do it near the Meister's window?????

Then there are the stupid roosters or at least the specific rooster dude who used to hang around the Meister's previous apartment all day just waiting for an opportunity to start bellowing at the top of his tiny lungs.....and that always used to happen at 2 fucking thirty or 3 fucking o clock at night. The Meister knows that roosters are supposed to shout at sunrise...as a sort of ancient alarm clock for the village people........but at 2.30 or 3 in the night...come on!!!! The Meister's parents (the insane loonies) always used to claim (during the Meister's college days) that the Meister's internal body clock would get bloody scewered and all if he kept on staying away all night watching quality adult entertainment. 

But if there is anyone in this planet with a messed up internal clock, its that damn rooster. 

That brings the Meister to the alleged higher forms of life (according to that Darwin dude at least) - mankind. 

There are the Meister's upstairs neighbours, who having recntly bought some hi-fi sound sytem feels compelled to play it as loudly as they can till 1 in the night and then there are the Meister's next door neighbour. The Insomniac lady fells compelled to wash and jharufai her surroundings everyday at 6 and then wash her clothes by max 730. Not thta she has lots of work to do or anything. Her daughter goes off to school and the guy living with her (who the Meister presumes is her husband (although that may not be the case....what does the Meister care....and anyway this isthe 21st century) goes off to work and the lady has lamost nothing eldse ot do all day except chat with her neighbours but nonetheless she has to star jharufying at 6!!! Stupid insomniac woman.

That brings us to the highest form of mankind (in his own hallucinogenic mind) - The Great Indian Chunkubaaz. The Meister is sure that the Chunku lurks near the parking lot of the Meister's apartment just waiting for the Meister to return home from work.  The moment he sees the Meister walking, he runs up, takes off his clothes, covers himself in a towel and enters the bathroom. Once the Meister comes to his apartment door, the poor guy has to knock the door for at least 5 minutes and bellow "Chunku!!" at the top of his considerable lungs....which btw is a source of immense entertainment and merriment to the 3 dozen or so kids who live in the house beside Meister's...the kids also sometime join the Meister and start shouting "Bunku!!", "Munku!!" and "Shunku!!" among other things. 

Anyway, the Chunku goes to sleep at around 3 in the night after chatting with boudis from all over the continent, and the nwakes up at 7 and goes in the bathroom where he splashes about for half an hour. Chunku's bathroom being next to the Meister's bedroom, this phenomenon almlost inevitably disturbs the Meister's sleep.

So all in all, the Meister has had a torrid time sleeping or trying to sleep. All the Meister's worries about the Special One and Chelsea to all this din and commotion, no wonderthe Meister is not getting enough rest and hence is collapsing more frequently than polictical parties calling bandhs in Kolkata.

All this is probably the handiwork of that secret organisation committed to the utter destruction and annihilation of the Meister - all the Meisterhaters of the world comprising the communists, the feminists, the cultural studies group of CIEFL and the Special One....They are the ones to contract the rooster to make a bloody ass of himself and they are the ones to recruit the world biggest moneylover - the man who thinks he is a woman when he enters a bathroom - The Great Indian Chunkubaaz.

Guards Guards by Terry Pratchett

This is one of Meister's favorite books. The Meister keeps on reading it at least once every month. The book came at no 69 in the BBC list, much higher than Cholera, Midnight's Children, Godfather, Alchemist and Ulysses.  Am not saying that Guards Guards is better than these....just asking the hoity toity literary guys to keep an open mind...this is just as good as any ofthem....just because this is a fantasy novel and has a happy ending does not mean it is to be frowned upon..

This is the eighth Discworld novel and introduces the men of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch.

The story follows a plot by a secret brotherhood, the Unique and Supreme Lodge of the Elucidated Brethren, to overthrow the Patrician and install a king, who would be under their control. Using a stolen magic book, they summon a dragon to strike fear into the people of Ankh-Morpork, so their "heir" to the throne will be accepted. It is the task of the Night Watch-- Captain Vimes, Sergeant Colon, Corporal Nobbs, and new volunteer Carrot Ironfoundersson--to stop them, with some help from the Librarian of the Unseen University, an orangutan trying to get the stolen book back.

The Watch is in bad condition; they are regarded as a bunch of drunks who just walk around ringing their bells. The arrival of Carrot changes this; Carrot has memorised the laws of Ankh-Morpork, and on his first day tries to arrest the head of the Guild of Thieves for theft. Carrot's enthusiasm rings with the feeling nagging at Captain Vimes; that the Watch should prevent crime. Vimes begins investigating the dragon appearances, which leads to an acquaintance with Sybil Ramkin , a breeder of swamp dragons.

Though the leader of the Elucidated Brethren is initially successful in controlling the dragon; and banishes it when he no longer needs it; he has not counted on the dragon's own magic. The dragon returns, and makes itself king of Ankh-Morpork, keeping the head of the Elucidated Brethren, the now imprisoned Patriarch's secretary, Wonse, as his mouth piece; and demands the people of Ankh-Morpork bring him gold, for his bedding, and regular virgin sacrifices.

Vimes is imprisoned, in the same cell as the Patrician; who has been leading a relatively comfortable life, with the help of the rats he uses as spies. The Librarian helps Vimes to escape; and he runs to the aid of Sybil, who has been chosen as the first virgin to be sacrificed. One of Sybil's dragon's, Errol, fights the king; and wins. While a crowd attempts to close in on the king to kill it, Sybil tries to plead for it, while Carrot places it under arrest; but Errol lets the dragon escape, to be his mate.

The Patrician is reinstated as ruler of Ankh-Morpork, and offers the Watch anything they want as a reward. They ask only for a pay raise, a new tea kettle and a dartboard.

The Meister loves the dedication: "They may be called the Palace Guard, the City Guard, or the Patrol. Whatever the name, their pur¬pose in any work of heroic fantasy is identical: it is, round about Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the film) to rush into the room, attack the hero one at a time, and be slaughtered. No one ever asks them if they wanted to. This book is dedicated to those fine men."

Pratchett got it to the T...the role of the extras in any movie or book...to be cannon fodder...so that heroes can be heroes.....the role of common ordinary proletariats everywhere

The characters of Vimes (who was brung low by a woman), Carrot and Nobby especially attract the Meister. 

Carrot is possibly the king of Ankh Morpork, but he does not want to be...he loves being a copper.......the idea that someone is doing something which he likes and not something which destiny has thrust upon him is something which the Meister finds so appealing......its something the Meister has never been able to do.

Nobby's practicality and cynicism acts as the perfect counterfoil to Carrot's; while the characters of Vimes and Vetinary compliment each other perfectly. 

Everybody in the city...all the rich merchants, assasins, lords, bankers etc had given up and was ready to live life under the dragon, only the 3 watchmen who got only around 20-30 dollars a month as wages tried to kill it.......because of a sense of duty...becuase they felt that they are supposed to defend the city because they are gettign their wages........this is a perfect example of real world where the corporates expect us and encourage us to sacrifice our lives so that they get profit.....we  the fools keep on doing it thinking it is our duty.....

At the ending all the rich people of the city get together to give rewards to the poor watchmen......but the watchmen only ask for a wage increase, a kettle and a dartboard...and even then they are scared that they will be punished for asking for the dartboard................quite similar to our real lives isn't it????

Pratchett is undoubtedly a true great...one of the all time great British authors......he deserves his place i nthe mantle alongside Shakespeare, Dickens, Wodehouse, and Christie as the best of the country.  Not for nothing does 5 of his books come in the BBC's list of top 100 books to read...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/bigread/top100.shtml

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/bigread/top100_2.shtml

http://idealink.vijtable.com/2006/10/05/bbc-top-100-book-list/

Just read the following excerpts to get a good idea about the cracking sarcasm and use of metaphors, irony, symbolism etc......

"...this was the category of all the women, in his entire life, who had ever thought he was worth smiling at."

"I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are the good people and the bad people. You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides."

And even if it didn't, then there were memories to get them through. Of running, and people getting out of the way. Of the looks on the faces of the horrible palace guard. Of, when all the thieves and heroes and gods had failed, of being there. Of nearly doing things nearly right.

It was the usual Ankh-Morpork mob in times of crisis: half of them were here to complain, a quarter of them were here to watch the other half, and the remainder were here to rob, importune or sell hot dogs to the rest.

"Anti-dragon cream. Personal guarantee: if you're incinerated you get your money back, no quibble."

The reason that cliches become cliches is that they are the hammers and screwdrivers in the toolbox of conversation.

It was a good, clean challenge: you knew that if you went on chipping away, you'd win through eventually.

It was the "eventually" that was the problem. Eventually Great A'Tuin would reach the end of the universe. Eventually the stars would go out. Eventually Nobby might have a bath, although that would probably involve a radical rethinking of the nature of Time.

"I've always though," said the monarchist ... "that one of the major problems of being a king is the risk of your daughter getting a prick."

There was a thoughtful pause.

"And falling asleep for a hundred years," the monarchist went on stolidly.

"Ah," said the others, unaccountably relieved.

The last rats of Brother Watchtower's self-confidence fled the sinking ship of courage.

Carrot: "Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir."
Vimes: "What, in Ankh-Morpork?"
Carrot: "Yes, sir."
Vimes: "We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value."

A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it. City law said that only condemned criminals should be used, but that was all right because in most of the religions refusing to volunteer for sacrifice was an offence punishable by death.

Guard Captain: "If you'd thought, you'd have thought that the king is hardly going to want other dragons dead, is he? They're probably distant relatives or something. I mean, it wouldn't want us to go around killing its own kind, would it?"
Guard: "Well, sir, people do, sir."
Guard Captain: "Ah, well. That's different. That's 'cos we're intelligent."

Colon: "So it'd only work if it's your actual million-to-one chance."
Nobby: "I suppose that's right."
Colon: "So 999,943-to-one, for example--"
Carrot: "Wouldn't have a hope. No-one ever said 'It's a 999,943-to-one chance but it might just work.'"

Carrot: "We could be all that stands between the city and total destruction!"
Nobby: "Yes, but--"
Carrot: "Captain Vimes would have gone! All for one!"
Colon: "Young people today."
Nobby: "All for one what?"
Colon: "Come on, then."
Nobby: "Oh, all right."

"Someone out there was going to find out that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge."

It was interesting, he felt, that so-called intelligent dogs, horses and dolphins never had any difficulty indicating to humans the vital news of the moment, e.g., that the three children were lost in the cave, or the train was about to take the line leading to the bridge that had been washed away or similar, while he, only a handful of chromosomes away from wearing a vest, found it difficult to persuade the average human to come in out of the rain.

Fingers: "'The significant owl hoots in the night.'"
Doorman: "'Yet many grey lords go sadly to the masterless men.'"
Fingers: "'Hooray, hooray for the spinster's sister's daughter."
Doorman: "'To the axeman, all supplicants are the same height.'"
Fingers: "'Yet verily, the rose is within the thorn.'"
Doorman: "'The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy.'"
Fingers: "What?"
Doorman: "'The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy.'"
Fingers: "Are you sure the ill-built tower doesn't tremble mightily at a butterfly's passage?"
Doorman: "Nope. Bean soup it is. I'm sorry."
Fingers: "What about the caged whale?"
Doorman: "What about it?"
Fingers: "It should know nothing of the mighty deeps, if you must know."
Doorman: "Oh, the caged whale. You want the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night. Three doors down."

The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality.

"There was also the curious incident of the orangutan in the night-time ..."

A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it.

 "Of all the cities in all the world it could have flown into, he thought, it's flown into mine..."

It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of.

A streak of green fire blasted out of the back of the shed, passed a foot over the head of the mob and burned a charred rosette in the woodwork over the door. Then came a voice that was a honeyed purr of sheer deadly menace. 
"This is Lord Mountjoy Quickfang Winterforth IV, the hottest dragon in the city. It could burn your head clean off." Captain Vimes limped forward from the shadows. A small and extremely frightened golden dragon was clamped firmly under one arm. His other hand held it by the tail. 
The rioters watched it, hypnotised. 
"Now, I know what you're thinking", Vimes went on, softly, 
"you're wondering, after all this excitement, has it got enough flame left? And, y'know, I ain't so sure myself…" 
He leaned forward, sighting between the dragon's ears, and his voice buzzed like a knife blade: 
"What you've got to ask yourself is: Am I feeling lucky?" 
They swayed backward as he advanced. 
"Well," he said, "Are you feeling lucky?"

Broken Records

All you intellectual literary types who get interested by looking at the heading, bugger off if u r expecting a post full of pathos and deep symbolism and hidden issues etc etc.....my blog is not for you all...its for the common man...the proletariats of the world.

This post is about the records that the Meister broke yesterday....his own records...in case any one's wondering or thinking snide thoughts like... 

"The Meister is such a loser, how can he break anyone's records etc"

The 1st record that the Meister broke was the time for solving the Telegraph crossword. He solved it in 65 minutes, during Talksalot's lunch break. He also did it without any help whatsoever, he didn't consult Google or any dictionary or msn encarta synonym finder...

He did the same thing today also...though he took a considerably larger time...2 days in a row without any help is also a new record....

Go Meister

And that's precisely what the Meister did yesterday. He went to Nanking (in Park Lane) from his office (beside Begumpet flyover)... and he walked all the way...a distance of around 5-6 kms. It took him around 40 minutes. 

But that's not all......after dinner at Nanking he walked for another 2 kms all the way to ex-Sangeet crossing.

So that makes it a total of around 7 kms....a new record for the Meister

Suffice to say that his legs are paining like bloody hell today :-( :-( :-(

p.s. Today is the 10 day anniversary of the Special One not talking to Meister......as a mark of grief, the Meister did not have breakfast or lunch...and as a result he is both hungry, in pain and very weak :-(  

More Limericks

Submitted By: Papa Johnny 
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

Submitted By: SW Cohen 
Some people say that a limerick
Is some kind of anonymous gimmerick
A Lear or a Nash
May own up to this trash
But never a Wordsworth, a Herrick or Himmerick

Submitted By: Dan Metzger 
There was a young man from the city,
Who saw what he thought was a kitty.
To make sure of that
He gave it a pat.
They buried his clothes; what a pity.

Submitted By: Dan Metzger 
A disgusting old man from La Jolla
Has a habit that's sure to anolla.
Before telling a joke
He'll give you a poke,
And remark, "This'll really destrolla."

Submitted By: Don Gillespie 
A Few Corny Limericks

Thith Way to Thpeeth Clath:

A thpeeth teacther named Mitheth Bathye
Had thome thtudentth who acted quite lathye;
They lithped and they thputtered,
And thome of them th-th-thtuttered:
She thought they might jutht drive her crathye.

A canner exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny
A canner can can
Anything that he can
But a canner can¹t can a can, can he?

Submitted By: dave barrett 
By beauty I am not a star.
There are others more handsome by far.
My face I don't mind it.
because I'm behind it.
It's the people in front that I jar.

Submitted By: dave barrett 
The reverend Henry ward Beecher
Thought the hen was an elegant creature
the hen pleased with that
laid an egg in is hat
and thus did the hen reward beecher.

Submitted By: Adam Rondeau 

Winter Activities

There was a young boy in my way
Who was always happy and gay
He jumped and he ran 
Like a crazy old man
To avoid the fast moving sleigh

Submitted By: W. Cooke 
A witty truck driver named Tex
Was arrested, and likely suspects,
'twas the sign on his door
that caused the uproar
It read simply "Oedipus Wrecks"

There was a young lady named Slater
Who married an old alligator.
The night that they wed
They climbed into bed,
But rather than mate her, he ate her.

Submitted By: Howard Morgan 
A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican?

Submitted By: Agustin Eastwood De Mello 
A dinosaur stomped into a mall
where people are tiny and small
Now why did you think
I was really extinct
the dinosaur roared with a drawl.

Submitted By: carol odom 
There once was a fellow named Jim
Who took his girl out for a spin
The speedometer rose
The gas pedal froze
They found parts of her but not him

Submitted By: Lydia Languish
There was a fat cat on a mat
Who liked to chase mice named pat.
He chased them around
And fell on the ground
And smashed them until they were flat!

Submitted By: Kasia Kowalewski 
There once was a boy from Montreal
Who loved to play basketball
For a team he tried out
But if he made it, I doubt
For you see, he was three feet tall!

Submitted By: Noam Kuzar 
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Submitted By: Bob 
There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

Submitted By: LORNA 
There once was a old man from Norway -
who cussed as he sat in a doorway-
the door smacked him flat-
and he yelled "what was that"?
that disgruntled old man from Norway!

Submitted By: Roger Morris 
There was a fat turkey named Sam,
Who gobbled whenever he ran.
He came out of the bush,
Presenting his tush,
And was shot up the arse by a man.

Submitted By: Pat Bents 
There once was a kid named Darren
Who's room was surprisingly barren
He had no toys
Like all normal boys
But he did believe in sharing

Submitted By: Roger Morris 
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger.

Submitted By: Pat Bents 
There once was a consumer named Phil
Who really wanted to kill
A sly young vendor
Who mad him a big spender
And gave him a very large bill.

Submitted By: Deirdre Kinney 
There once was a poet named Dan,
Who's poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know"
"It's because I try to put every possible syllable into the very last line that I can" !!

Submitted By: Papa Johnny 
There was an announcer named Herschel
Whose habits became controversial,
Because when out wooing
Whatever he was doing
At ten he'd insert his commercial.

Submitted By: Grady Tibboel 
I've been studying all night and I'm tired,
But I can't sleep because I'm so wired.
So I'll play on the net
'Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire.

Submitted By: Krishna Jayaraman 
There was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.

Submitted By: Krishna Jayaraman 
There was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".

Submitted By: Krishna Jayaraman 
There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

Submitted By: Tom Maguire 
There once was a girl named Madonna
To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?"
Warren Beatty said no,
called her a "HO"
Now she cries and smokes marijuana.

Submitted By: Al the Pal 
There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

Submitted By: Roger Morris 
There was a young student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

Submitted By: GBlowfish 
There once was a Senator from Mass
who was searchin around for a Lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And That was the end of HIS ass!

Submitted By: Roger Morris 
There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

Submitted By: Art Burke 
There once was a man named Screwy Dick,
A man who was born with a spiral prick.
His life was spent in one long hunt
to find the girl with the spiral cunt.
When he found her he dropped dead,
'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread!!!

Submitted By: Justin Eisele 
There once was a man named Dan
He once ate beans from a can
His colon swelled
his wife said oh well
and what rhymes with dan and can?

Submitted By: Deirdre Kinney 
There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

Submitted By: Papa Johnny 
There once was a Bishop of Treet
Who decided to be indiscreet,
But after one round
To his horror he found
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

Submitted By: Bad Girl 
There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were constructed of brass
When jangled together
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass!

Submitted By: Allan Kitching 
There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

Submitted By: R. Guptill 
There once was a pirate (the story relates)
who liked to go dancing on roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates.

Submitted By: John Woodcock
There once was a dog named Fred
Who was black and blue and red
He ate a monkey in his sleep
And when he woke up
he said his wife was cheap.

Submitted By: Papa Johnny 
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Submitted By: Papa Johnny 
A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
From the rear she's a Parker house Roll."

Submitted By: Dan Benko 
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!"

Submitted By: Bryan King 
There once was a chick named Alice
who used dynamite for a phallus
it blew a hole in her vagina
like South Carolina
and bits of her tits in Dallas

Submitted By: Scott Straub 
The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

Submitted By: Michael Lehane 
There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

Submitted By: Bruce 
there once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly
because in their haste they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly

Keep up the page nice work

Submitted By: Sugar 
(This was on a tape that had messages for answering machines)

There once was a man from Nantucket,
who was old, but not yet kicked the bucket,
don't be a creep,
at the sound of the beep,
leave a message or you can just f-- orget about anyone calling you back!

Submitted By: Bill E. Bob 
There once was a cat named black,
he ran around and smoked crack,
till one day,
he was found gay,
now he sucks

Submitted By: Keith H. Peterson 
In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.

Submitted By: Keith H. Peterson 
At a meeting-hall, George Bernard Shaw
Was proceeding to lay down the law,
When, from somewhere offstage,
Someone hollered in rage,
"Who can sleep, with this damned foo-fa-raw??"

Submitted By: Keith H. Peterson 
Miss Fanny, adored by John Keats,
Loved romances and sucking on sweets;
Yet one glance from this skirt
Could reduce the poor squirt
To a few inarticulate bleats.

Submitted By: Keith H. Peterson 
My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.

Submitted By: Duncan Cline 
Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is quite inferior!"
She,not to be crass,
did show some real class
Said,"You can kiss my posterior!"

Submitted By: wcraz 
in the garden of eden lay Adam
gently stroking his madam,
and great was his mirth
for on all of this earth
there were only two balls and he had 'em!

Submitted By: Rockin' Floyd 
An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away.

Submitted By: Reggie 
There once was a man named Piatt,
who's sexual habits were a riot.
From horses to hens,
To mice and men,
If it had a hole, he would try it.

Submitted By: Reggie 
There once was a man named Eugeene,
Who built a masturbation machine,
The damned thing broke
On the 14th stroke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.

Submitted By: Reggie 
Remember that man named Eugeene?
well he built a f*!king machine,
Concave or convex,
It could take any sex,
But man what a mother to clean

Submitted By: Bob 
Jolly St. Nick's good to you and me
Brings to homes many gifts to see.
But a black eye he paid
Because he laid
The wrong doll under the tree.

Submitted By: Uncle Butch 
There Once was a sailor named Brett
The best pisser I ever seen yet
He could Piss in a jar
From the Top Gallant Spar
Nor even get the sails wet.

.

When Benny Tagged Me!!!

1. If your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be?

Not sure, it is in fact one of the main reasons why am not in any relationship, the fear of betrayal

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?

I am an archeologist, digging in some desolate space for signs of some ancient civilization, living in a tent, no one around except my dogs,  my instruments and a laptop for company.

3.  Whose butt would you like to kick?

My High School Statistics Teacher, Kingshuk Ukil and Pakistanis

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Give up working, invest in LICs, PFs, travel all around the world, and open up a big animal shelter and hospital.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?

Already fucking did, and now suffering the consequences and repurcussions. 

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?

Being loved by someone

7. How long would you wait for someone you loved?

All my life

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?

Nothing, just keep on living, being a friend, and wishing her a nice life.......been there, done that

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?

Hell, there are so fucking many........animal welfare, environmental polution, annhilation of Pakistanis to name a few

10. What takes you down the fastest?

Betrayal, deliberate lies, people snapping at me

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Dead hopefully

12. What’s your fear?

Loneliness in old age...where I die and my body is found by neighbours who only realise something is amiss from the fouls stench from my rotting corpse and the police comes and takes my body away and theres absolutely nobody in the world to contact

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

A sweet girl but a bit delusional...she supports Newcastle United for crying out loud!!!!

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?

Hell, I am single and poor...and since I will always be single, I would like to be single and rich thank you

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Switch off the stupid alarm.

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?

The one who will love me

17. Would you give all in a relationship?

Hell yeah

18. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?

Forgive maybe, but forget never

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?

Have never been in a relationship so no clue how it is like...so cant really say what I prefer

20.  List of people to tag: Wasted, Ugly, Touch the Horizon, Myriad, Effervescence, Serendipidiididiii....,Invisible