Poetry that's understood and appreciated by the Meister

There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22


There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass


I know an old owl named Boo, 
Every night he yelled "Hoo," 
Once a kid walked by, 
And started to cry, 
And yelled "I don't have a clue!"


There once was a man stuck in a stall 
He tried to get out but would fall 
One day a man flushed 
The fat man just blushed 
And quickly ran out of the mall


There once was a young boy named Nick 
Who by chance was always being kicked 
He tried not to fight 
For he was smart, kind and bright 
So he learned how to run really quick

There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man
He wore a dress and high heels
And drove a Chevrolet with pink wheels
And soon Stan became a tran


A fellow jumped off a high wall 
And had a most terrible fall 
He went back to bed 
With a bump on his head 
That's why you don't jump off a wall 


THERE ONCE WAS A FARMER FROM LEEDS
WHO SWALLOWED A PACKET OF SEEDS
IT SOON CAME TO PASS
HE WAS COVERED WITH GRASS
BUT HAS ALL THE TOMATOES HE NEEDS


A BATHER WHOSE CLOTHING WAS STREWED
BY WINDS THAT LEFT HER QUITE NUDE
SAW A MAN COME ALONG
AND UNLESS WE ARE WRONG
YOU EXPECTED THIS LINE TO BE LEWD


THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
WHO KEPT ALL HIS CASH IN A BUCKET
BUT HIS DAUGHTER NAMED NAN
RAN AWAY WITH A MAN
AND AS FOR THE BUCKET, NAN TUCKET


THERE ONCE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED BRIGHT
WHOSE SPEED WAS MUCH FASTER THAN LIGHT
SHE SET OUT ONE DAY
IN A RELATIVE WAY
AND RETURNED ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM TIBET 
WHO COULDN'T FIND A CIGARRETT 
SO HE SMOKED ALL HIS SOCKS 
AND GOT CHICKEN-POCKS 
AND HAD TO GO TO THE VET


There once was an artist named Saint, 
Who swallowed some samples of paint. 
All shades of the spectrum 
Flowed out of his rectum 
With a colourful lack of restraint.


There once was a boy named Dan, 
who wanted to fry in a pan. 
He tried and he tried, 
and eventually died, 
that weird little boy named Dan.


There once was a man from Peru 
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe 
He woke with a fright in the middle of the night 
To find that his dream had come true.


There was once a smelly Queen 
Who was just naturally mean 
Back in those days, they never took baths 
In which they had to face terrible wraths: 
They all smelled like rotton beans.

There was an old man with a beard 
Who said, "it's just how i feared!- 
Two owls and a hen 
Four larks and a wren 
Have all built their nests in my beard.


There once was a child in spain 
Who loved to play in the rain 
One day he tripped 
And broke his hip 
Now he is in serious pain. 

A silly young man from Clyde
In a funeral procession was spied
When asked, "Who is dead?"
He giggled and said,
"I don't know; I just came for the ride."

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knittin'
He said, with a sigh,
"That park bench--well I
Just painted it, right where you're sittin.'"

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin';
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, "Thank you, Madam," And then both skedaddled from Eden.

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened--it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her --
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.

Manuscript sent, my spirits were soaring
till it came back stamped” This book is boring,
Your prose so verbose,
left us near comatose,
and your readers can still be heard snoring.

As our Homecoming Queen, Norma Jean,
wore a silk gown of deep aubergine.
The gown was so tight,
that I thought It might,
bare more of Jean than I’d ever seen.



A certain pop star who’s named Janet,
on a film clip seen all round the planet,
had a wardrobe malfunction
at a major sports function,
but she still swears that she didn’t plan it

There once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And now he's a college professor.

Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,

Jumping out of his bath, cried "Eureka!"

He ran half a mile,

Wearing only a smile,

And became the very first streaker.

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,

To his offspring both female and male,

"From your offspring, my dears,

In a couple of years,

May evolve a professor at Yale."

I once took our vicar to tea;

It was just as I thought it would be:

His rumblings abdominal

Were simply phenomenal,

And everyone thought it was me. 

A bather whose clothing was strewed,

By winds that left her quite nude,

Saw a man come along,

And unless we are wrong,

You expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young girl from Rabat, 

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.” 
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: 

“'Slowly across the desert sand 
Trekked the dusty caravan. 
Men on camels, two by two 
Destination -- Timbuktu.” 

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: 

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went. 
Met three whores in a pop-up tent. 
They was three, we was two, 
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”